What to do?

Squirrel

First off, I'm 16.

I have recently started going out with a girl, 15. I met her through our running club.

The problem is her mam, telling her "she is forbidden to go out with me", her reason being she's too young. I've no problem with this, except for 2 things:

1) She has gone out with other people and she had absolutely no problem with that

2) She told her mam about me and and she said "that's nice, how do you know him?" to which she replied "in my running club". Then she was forbidden to go out with me

I told her that it's grand and she should listen to her mam because she is her mam after-all and they don't have the best of relationships and I don't want to get in the way of anything, she just started crying and said she refuses to listen to her.

As she was crying I didn't have a clue what to do and was one of the worst feelings ever.

I don't have a clue what to do, I honestly don't want to **** up anything with her and her mam, but I really really like her, as you can see from other threads I've posted, and cheers to those who replied to them

Anyone any advice? And apologies if it makes little sense, it's been written in parts rather than as one

simu

Has her mother seen you yet?

If not, get the girl to pretend she has broken up with you and in a few week's time, get her to pretend she has met a new guy (i.e. you) somewhere else (a place the mother would approve of).

Webmonkey

Maybe the mother is worried that it will take away from her running or something. That you and her might use the running club as a opportunity to meet.
I don't know, i don't see any other reason tbh.

Squirrel

simu wrote:

Has her mother seen you yet?

If not, get the girl to pretend she has broken up with you and in a few week's time, get her to pretend she has met a new guy (i.e. you) somewhere else (a place the mother would approve of).

That most likely wouldn't work as her mam sees alot of the pictures from the races and there's a fair amount of me usually

Webmonkey wrote:

Maybe the mother is worried that it will take away from her running or something. That you and her might use the running club as a opportunity to meet.
I don't know, i don't see any other reason tbh.

Never thought about that one, probably that, but we're both seious about running so the only times we see each other training are when we run past eachother and once we've finished.

Cheers for the replies, any ideas on what I should do?

mpento

Your problem is with her mother. Talk to her mother and if you are serious bring a parent. If this is not BS her mother should have some respect for you making the effort and clarify any problems. Bottom line it will be her decision but maybe a comprimise or satifying some of her concerns can be worked out. A postponement (if age is really the issue) may be the only option you have. If it is the mother clarifying to her daughter who is in charge you may be the collateral damage unless you can let her know that she is the boss. But if you are just a pawn in this mother daughter relationship really ask yourself is it worth it?

Squirrel

mpento wrote:

Your problem is with her mother. Talk to her mother and if you are serious bring a parent. If this is not BS her mother should have some respect for you making the effort and clarify any problems. Bottom line it will be her decision but maybe a comprimise or satifying some of her concerns can be worked out. A postponement (if age is really the issue) may be the only option you have. If it is the mother clarifying to her daughter who is in charge you may be the collateral damage unless you can let her know that she is the boss. But if you are just a pawn in this mother daughter relationship really ask yourself is it worth it?

I've offered to talk to her mam but she was given out to for bringing it up so I don't see that working too well. I definately don't think I'm a pawn, then again in my position I would. I was kinda afraid that a postponement would be the only option, and things had just turned out well

Scraggs

Maybe mothers afraid that if ye broke up in the future daughter would quit running [or something along those lines dont know the full situation]
does the club have many trips away? maybe shes afraid her precious daughter might be led astray and get up to all sorts!!
My two cents...
Best of luck in sortin this one out...hope it turns out good in the end!

Nedrac

what a sh1ty situation 2 be in.

Now i'm no expert and am probs stating the obvious but.
And i don't know how. you need to find out what it is that the mam disaproves of and rectify the situation.

Perhaps Courtesy. As in simply asking the mother or her father if it is ok to take their daughter to the cinema. people have a lot of respect for courtesy.

To share a different problem with you my friend(18) has recently started seeing this Argentinian guy(21) now i know and she knows that her parents would disaprove. so we have been making so many excuses for her recently to visit like o she borrowed his jumper and had to give it back(he lives 5 mins down the road she is gone 4 an hr) R else she has come to c me r whatever
Now her parents wouldn't (if they new) aprove of this because from previous experiences they have drawn a stereo type of argentines that they are sleezy and just basically use women.

I personally consider myself more open minded than to stereo type people. but i do know that this guy does fit this stereotype from talking to some of his victims(probably a bit harsh... Try conquests). that is infact what he does. now eventually he is gonna give my sis the 2 fingers and move on to his next conquest. and she is gonna be upset bla bla bla she'll get over it
i can c that it will happen eventually but there is no talking sense into that girl.

Anyway to get back to the point. And this is not meant and i don't think it will be offensive(unfortunatley i'm quite blunt). I would guess the mother has just stereo typed you for whatever reason it might or it might not be because u are in the same running club i don't know u so i can't say why.

But basically if u think about it and figure out what way she has stereotyped u and break that mould in such a way that she will notice it.

hope this helps

Beruthiel

Squirrel wrote:

The problem is her mam, telling her "she is forbidden to go out with me", her reason being she's too young. I've no problem with this, except for 2 things

I have a daughter around your age squirrel, so here's my take on it from a mothers point of view:
your g/f may have had boyfriends before, but they probably weren't too serious at the age of 12 or 13 or whatever, kids at that age go from one b/f to another in the space of a few weeks so nothing much to worry about. She's 15 now though and perhaps is more serious about you, she is also at an age that she might think about having sex, you could also be a distraction and might be taking her mind off her running/school.
I personally think it's a very bad idea to 'forbid' when it comes to something like this, these things tend to run their course if left to their own devices.
What kind of relationship do they have? can your g/f sit her mother down and have a calm chat about the fact that she is responsible and is not going to do anything stupid?
I have told my daughter everything there is to know about sex and STI's, I have explained that she should have sex only when she is responsible enough to accept the consequences of her actions. Perhaps if your g/f could explain that she is aware of all of the above, her mother would see her as being responsible and perhaps allow her to continue seeing you.

I told her that it's grand and she should listen to her mam because she is her mam after-all and they don't have the best of relationships and I don't want to get in the way of anything

that's a very mature attitude, fair play to you on that one.
see how she gets on with talking to her mother and come back to us.

Gilgamesh

I completely agree with Ruthie on this one.
MY daughter is only 1 year old, but my mother is going through this whole thing with my sister (15) at the moment.
From what I know, I personally think it is a really tough time for parents, having to deal with issues that come up, been scared of alienating their kids for being too strict, or trying to do anything to stop the from making huge mistakes which could impact the rest of their lives. Fair play to you Ruthie, you seem to have done a bang on job.
OP, I ave to be honest and must also commend you for been so 'grown up' about this situation and not trying to force your g/f to go against her mother's will, this would only cause havoc in their relationship, which imho, she still needs at that age

kawaii

If she is 15 she might be going into third year, no? Most parents (quite understandably) want to avoid any distractions from their son/daughter before the
JC so that they can focus more on study... (this could possibly explain why you were forbidden and the two others weren't)

Still, like Ms B said above, forbidding something completely is not a good approach and the very fact that you can't see each other could be distrating too...

Also, as Ruth said, just handle the situation calmly and hope that things work out... (as you are doing.) She can't stay too young forever so I say just be patient.

Just my 2c.

Best of luck

Dan

Squirrel

Beruthiel wrote:

I have a daughter around your age squirrel, so here's my take on it from a mothers point of view:
your g/f may have had boyfriends before, but they probably weren't too serious at the age of 12 or 13 or whatever, kids at that age go from one b/f to another in the space of a few weeks so nothing much to worry about. She's 15 now though and perhaps is more serious about you, she is also at an age that she might think about having sex, you could also be a distraction and might be taking her mind off her running/school.
I have told my daughter everything there is to know about sex and STI's, I have explained that she should have sex only when she is responsible enough to accept the consequences of her actions. Perhaps if your g/f could explain that she is aware of all of the above, her mother would see her as being responsible and perhaps allow her to continue seeing you.

Tbh I'm definately not ready to deal with any of the consequences from sex so that isn't an issue and either is by the way she started talking about one of her friends who had gotten pregnant and was very bitter. Her mam has refused to listen to anything she has to say involving me

Beruthiel wrote:

I told her that it's grand and she should listen to her mam because she is her mam after-all and they don't have the best of relationships and I don't want to get in the way of anything

that's a very mature attitude, fair play to you on that one.
see how she gets on with talking to her mother and come back to us.

There's no point not being some way mature, that'll get us nowhere.

@kawaii - She's starting 4th year

kawaii

Squirrel wrote:

@kawaii - She's starting 4th year

Oh, damn...

Surely some freedom should be allowed during TY...

Do you know how she did in her Junior? If she did poorly her Mom might want her to focus more and pick up her grades...

Beruthiel

Squirrel wrote:

Her mam has refused to listen to anything she has to say involving me

I'm curious
has she said why?

it's a very bad attitude to take imo
I recall, way back at the dawn of time when I started seeing someone at age 16, my mother was totally against it, I just saw him behind her back instead.
forbidding something to a teenager only makes them want it more.

Squirrel

kawaii wrote:

Oh, damn...

Surely some freedom should be allowed during TY...

Do you know how she did in her Junior? If she did poorly her Mom might want her to focus more and pick up her grades...

She should have done quite well, she didn't come training at all for about 3 weeks before and during the JC because she was studying, she put in alot of effort

Beruthiel wrote:

I'm curious
has she said why?

Nope, she just refuses

it's a very bad attitude to take imo
I recall, way back at the dawn of time when I started seeing someone at age 16, my mother was totally against it, I just saw him behind her back instead.
forbidding something to a teenager only makes them want it more.

That's what she's saying we should do but I don't want to screw anything up between them

kawaii

Dare I say her mother is indeed somewhat in the wrong...

I don't know... Perhaps try writing her a letter of something but I really can't think of any way to get through...

Good Luck anyways and be patient....

Squirrel

kawaii wrote:

Dare I say her mother is indeed somewhat in the wrong...

I don't know... Perhaps try writing her a letter of something but I really can't think of any way to get through...

Good Luck anyways and be patient....

Cheers, appreciate it

kawaii

And don't give up... Ruth'll probably come along and give you a brilliant idea or sumthin'...

Keep us updated

Dan

cookiemonst3r

something like this happened to my friend before.She wasn't allowed to go out with this guy but she ignored her parents. So she saw him in private. But it was really hard cos they couldnt be seen in public so after a while the relationship just fizzled out.

Squirrel

cookiemonst3r wrote:

something like this happened to my friend before.She wasn't allowed to go out with this guy but she ignored her parents. So she saw him in private. But it was really hard cos they couldnt be seen in public so after a while the relationship just fizzled out.

Encouraging

Thanks for telling me of a similar scenario, at least I know what I'm up against

Son_of_Belial

Ever tried ignoring the mother? That or you should go talk to her. It'll show that you're mature etc. etc. Promise her that sex isn't going to be involved 'cos you're both too young (even if it is) and see what she says.

cookiemonst3r

Squirrel wrote:

Encouraging

Thanks for telling me of a similar scenario, at least I know what I'm up against

im not trying to be pesismistic but thats what happened. They both really liked each other but the relationship couldnt go anywhere because of the secrecy.

Squirrel

cookiemonst3r wrote:

im not trying to be pesismistic but thats what happened. They both really liked each other but the relationship couldnt go anywhere because of the secrecy.

Yeah I know what you mean

Son_of_Belial wrote:

Ever tried ignoring the mother?

That has been suggested but I don't know if that's the right thing

secret_squirrel

You seem to have your head screwed on about the whole situation, and it seems to be the mother that is overreacting here.

So I would say go for it - realistically speaking at your age its likely to end sooner or later* - best off you both enjoy each others company now. You both sound responsible and you seem willing to take responsibilty for your actions - so go for it have some fun (keep it safe if it goes that far). What you 2 are going through is part of growing up - you shouldnt be denied that because her mum's being irrational (possibly understandably).

Enjoy it whilst you can.

Secret_squirrel (no relation )


* I have a friend your age who started with his wife when they were 15 & 16. He's now 31 and they have a 1 year old. Its rare, but it does happen.

Squirrel

secret_squirrel wrote:

You seem to have your head screwed on about the whole situation, and it seems to be the mother that is overreacting here.

So I would say go for it - realistically speaking at your age its likely to end sooner or later* - best off you both enjoy each others company now. You both sound responsible and you seem willing to take responsibilty for your actions - so go for it have some fun (keep it safe if it goes that far). What you 2 are going through is part of growing up - you shouldnt be denied that because her mum's being irrational (possibly understandably).

Enjoy it whilst you can.

Cheers, chances are we'll end up hating eachother at some point so might aswell go for it while we like eachother. I'll be talking to her later or tomorrow and she's quite keen on going out behind her mam's back. I'll let yas know what happens when I talk to her, cheers for all the replies, I appreciate it

secret_squirrel wrote:

Secret_squirrel (no relation )

It's really weird actually, just looking at your loction under your avatar:A Nuclear Submarine off the coast of Sweden, I have a strange obsession with Sweden, to any questions I'm asked I always reply "Sweden" before actually thinking. Kinda weird

Anyway, cheers to everyone who replied

secret_squirrel

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/billy-bragg/18167.html

Squirrel

First off, thanks to everyone who took time to read and to those who replied to this.

I was talking to her yesterday and she says she definately wants to keep going out and she'll tell her mam sometime, so that's what we're doing.

I also was saying this to my 2 brothers, 19 and 26, and they said go for it.

Again cheers for all your help

Shane

kawaii

Good luck man

_Turismo4

Young love can be hard,

It’s not uncommon for mum’s to be that way, especially when there girl is 15teen.
The way I see it, you have two options, don’t go out with her, and just stay friends, or you can continue to go out together but in secret, cos the ma will just cause problems and it will end up with more tears.