little problem ive been having

wtfpwned

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife—even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

StupidLikeAFox

hahaha, i laughed, humour forum tbh

pyure

hilarious

Piste

The Onion, non?

PurpleFistMixer

Aye, Onion. Amusing nonetheless.

wtfpwned

yeah I didn't write it, a friend sent it to me a while back

hawkmoon269

I'd just like to say I'm OUTRAGED at this attack on gay people,etc,etc...oh it's a SATIRE, sorry, right.

Tiffany

Meh...

ShreddedHumans

I get that problem too. Sigh.

Naos

:O When I see the first paragraph I thought, BAN. So I read down a bit to see it was a joke... But then I didnt laugh and am still waiting for the punchline.

arbeitsscheuer

Mear wrote:

:O When I see the first paragraph I thought, BAN. So I read down a bit to see it was a joke... But then I didnt laugh and am still waiting for the punchline.

Agreed. How in the name of all that is holy has this thread not been locked yet???

Oh well. I think we must be in the minority. :rolleyes:

Sparky

Minority eh?

Gazza22

Very funny!

lol i was getting slighty annoyed after a few paragraphs and was about to dive into "why did you let him suck...." when i realized it was a joke, jesus i'm just not with it today

dar83

so its safe to say...... queers suck.....

*apologies. couldn't resist the lame joke chance*

wtfpwned

anyone who didn't find that funny needs to log off the computer right now

it was pretty clear from the get-go that this one was a joke

DawnMc

BRILLIANT ma ha ha ha

MrJoeSoap

The Onion deserves its own forum. This weeks headline:

"Rumsfeld makes surprise trip to wifes vagina"

... and theres a picture of him and his entourage getting out of a helicopter.

wtfpwned

lol

sterculelum

Damnit! I want this thread locked! Homosexuality is very close to people's hearts, and you are offending everyone! It is a disgrace! Lock this thread now!!

!!

Or don't...

wtfpwned

what are you on about man? lol

sterculelum

See the locked Suicide thread and the subsequent one about censorship.

Not bothered posting links.

I was only joking, the OP was funny.

Hugh Hefner

It's funnier and more obvious a joke if you see the picture of the guy they used.

After the first line I was like, "Here we go :rolleyes:," but then reading the next sentence I thought, "Hold on, this is sounding a little familier!" And then The Onion popped into my brain.

It's not as funny the second time you read it. Still good though.

MrJoeSoap

This weeks Onion commentary:

http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4133&o=2

Sparky

ha wtfpwned has being banned for being so upfront about his gayness

Tiffany

No, he was banned for the drugs thread...