wee delima

Femelade

ok,
so i know this girl wit years. she's going out with this lad who i know with a good few years too.
i have been friends with him long before they got together.
Now we wouldnt be brilliant friends but i meet him almost every weekend i'm out and we always have a pure laugh together.

A few months back we were in the pub chatting and he was making a joke about chatting me up because he hadn't chatted up a girl in ages, and he wanted to practice on me. it was all a joke really and we were just messing, but his girlfriend must have got a bit jealous cos she had been sitting with her friends and came over to take him outside for a ciggarette, something they normally wouldnt do, but he didnt go out with her and stayed chatting to me. when she came back in ahe came over and was all over him so i went talking to someone else.

that was grand, but ever sionce then if i came into the pub he would come over and put his arms around me and stuff, usually just drunken harmless stuff so i wasnt taking much notice, but i started to realise that everytime he came near me she wasnt far behind.

Last sunday nite he came over and sat with me, he started saying things about wanting to meet up with me some nite but it was hard when he had a girlfriend, i jaut took it lightly and made a joke of it, every so often she would come over and drag him away but he kept coming back to my seat, she would end up coming over to him and started giving out to him, i could'nt hear what she was saying cos the music was loud.

eventually every time he sat with me i had to practically ignore him as i was getting dirty looks from her and her family, eventually they left early.

we are all going to a wedding on friday and he was asking me to meet him there, again i made a joke about it, but what will i do...

should i say something to her, but by doing that i am aknowledging that he is coming onto me, which i dont really want to do as i think playing dumb to the whole thing might be better.
should i just continue playing dumb to it then, but in the mean time not being able to talk to my friend without his girlfriend thinking something is going on when it isnt and i have no intention of letting anything happen..

any advice appreciated

thanks to those who read al of this long post...

Santa Claus

Seeing the title, I half expected this to be a post about cystitis or some such UTI !

Femmy wrote:

should i say something to her, but by doing that i am aknowledging that he is coming onto me, which i dont really want to do as i think playing dumb to the whole thing might be better.

I wouldn't advocate playing dumb, she knows he's coming on to you, you know he's coming on to you..hell I'd imagine the whole pub knows he's coming on to you......By playing dumb you're simply making her think that there's more to it and that you're encouraging him in some way !

Beruthiel

why say anything?
he's your mate
if she has a problem then is it not up to her to discuss that with him?
do you think he is interested in something more than friendship?
imo
it does look that way

Femelade

Beruthiel wrote:

do you think he is interested in something more than friendship?

well he's said as much, esp on sunday nite, i think he actually thinks i'm going to meet him at the wedding, i made some joke about putting on a trench coat and meeting him at midnite, dont think ke thought it was a joke though cos he said something like, "yeah, i think i could get away for a while" i just laughed and ignored it.

Femelade

whats UTI?

LundiMardi

sounds like an asshole tbh.. why not put him straight? tell him to go talk to his girlfriend instead of you

Femelade

i wouldnt consider him an asshole.
i know him with years and have always got on great, i dont want to cause any trouble with him and me.
saying that, he is acting out of order to do this to his girlfriend and infront of her too, if he was my boyfriend i'd kick his ass.

Beruthiel

Femmy wrote:

well he's said as much, esp on sunday nite.

well then she has a right to be upset
and you should tell him you don't wish to get involved

UTI = Urinary Tract Infection

LegacyUser

UTI = urinary tract infection

yeah i thought you were a guy while i was reading it :P (didnt read users who posted) so i thought it was something different altogether...rofl?!

if your adverse to it then say that its pissing you off to him + his girlfriend and it will stop. you have to say what you say to him to her. because if you dont you have no proof that you have a problem with it. and she will just bitch and moan non stop.

so there you are. if your not against the whole idea then **** her and do it

Femelade

Beruthiel wrote:

UTI = Urinary Tract Infection

oh! i get it "wee" lol

yeah if he starts something on at the wedding i'll prob just say it straight to him hoping not to lose a friend because of this though.
i can see it all blowing up on friday nite, so i'll prob just end up ignoring him.

think she might have tested him too, cos i when i was talking to them on sun nite (start of nite) she asked him to put my number in his phone cos she needed it to send me something. she might be waiting to check his phone to see if he's txted me, which he hasnt.

Dizzyblabla

If I was her (the g/f) I would dump his sorry ass... in fairness, if he's spending that much time trying to chat you up and it's perfectly obvious to everyone, then they shouldn't be together..

That doesn't really help you though! Do you like him? are they together long? Would he be worth it? Would he do the same to you if you did hook up... would you like to be "the other woman"?

let us know the options, are you geniunely not interested in meeting him, or are you trying to spare everyones feelings?

pickarooney

I'd be amazed if his girlfriend hadn't already bawled him out of it for blatantly coming on to you in front of her. Try an annoyed "give it a rest, will you, it's getting old" next time he tries it. I get the feeling you quite like him though and would prefer if there were no girlfriend in the picture. I could be well of though.

BTW, what's "with years" about? Is it some colloquial way way of saying "for years" or some direct Irish translation or something?

Femelade

he's a nice guy and extremely EXTREMELY handsome. he's a bit younger than me though.
they are together 2 yrs i think.
i like him but i doubt i'd consider actually going out with him, unless i want my ass kicked. she comes from a big family.

i think, i THINK i was with him yrs ago, well thats what my old college diary says anyway,i cant remember, but thats besides the point.

i wouldnt be interested in him , at the moment anyway.

just dreading the bloody wedding now.

Kell

Femmy wrote:

he was making a joke about chatting me up because he hadn't chatted up a girl in ages, and he wanted to practice on me. it was all a joke really and we were just messing, but his girlfriend must have got a bit jealous.....

Dry weave, dear. Has life taught you nothing? Never, ever, ever, ever mess with a mate if they are attached. Never. It only f*cks things up. Not even if he was your closest friend in the universe, which you clarified he isnt.

Besides, what sort of a moron would try and practise their moves if they are in a relationship for? God created shop assistants to casually practise your pullin moves on when involved in a relationship. Sheez. Do I HAVE to educate the world ALL the time?

Pfft.

K-

Femelade

pickarooney wrote:

BTW, what's "with years" about? Is it some colloquial way way of saying "for years" or some direct Irish translation or something?

oh, one of the lads i work with gives out to me about that too.
i dunno i'm a country girl. i've always said "wit yrs/days hours".

Femelade

Kell wrote:

Never, ever, ever, ever mess with a mate if they are attached. Never. It only f*cks things up. Not even if he was your closest friend in the universe, which you clarified he isnt.



K-

sorry Kell

but i totally disagree.
u mean girls and guys cant be friends if one or both of them are in a relationship at that stage it was just a laugh but only recently i see it getting a bit serious when his girlfriend is obviously mad.
but he's my friend. been friends with him longer than her.
he out of line though, but i dont want to lose him as a friend because of this ****.

nesf

Kell wrote:

Besides, what sort of a moron would try and practise their moves if they are in a relationship for? God created shop assistants to casually practise your pullin moves on when involved in a relationship. Sheez. Do I HAVE to educate the world ALL the time?

I agree 100%.

Think about it, if you're happy in a relationship, why would you practice chatting up a girl that you know...

Seriously, that just doesn't wash with me. And your use of capitals on the extremely would suggest that you might be just a tiny bit attracted to him.

pickarooney wrote:

BTW, what's "with years" about? Is it some colloquial way way of saying "for years" or some direct Irish translation or something?

It's a common enough saying. Part of the Hiberno-English dialect. Influence of the Irish language on English and all that.

simu

nesf wrote:

It's a common enough saying. Part of the Hiberno-English dialect. Influence of the Irish language on English and all that.

Le blianta ---> with years

tinkerbell

Femmy wrote:

well he's said as much, esp on sunday nite, i think he actually thinks i'm going to meet him at the wedding, i made some joke about putting on a trench coat and meeting him at midnite, dont think ke thought it was a joke though cos he said something like, "yeah, i think i could get away for a while" i just laughed and ignored it.

Seriously, if you want to try and cut out his coming-onto-you, then you need to stop making jokes. You never know, he could've taken the trench coat thing seriously! :eek: And then, he'd just get worse, and make you feel worse, and then his girlfriend would be over there kicking your ass for being the innocent bystander!

However, all that said, there's only so much you can do in order to try and get him to drop it. He is being out of line, because he's being disrespectful to his girlfriend, and for making your life a misery! I mean, you can't even comfortably hang out with him anymore! I reckon you need to tell him straight out to cut the crap, that it's making you uncomfortable (is it??)

secret_squirrel

Femmy wrote:

but he's my friend. been friends with him longer than her.
he out of line though, but i dont want to lose him as a friend because of this ****.

If he's really your friend it wont be a problem. Alternatively next time he comes on to you - instead of telling him he's out of order - ask why he's being so evil to the girlfriend - that will probably knock him back a bit. Just dont let him get away with a jokey answer.

Infact use the line you used in an earlier post - "If you were my bf I would kick your arse."

Think about - its pretty selfish of a so called friend to be putting you in the middle of this crap?

Femelade

yeah . i guess if he starts it again i will have to say something.
it going a bit far from jokes now.
the reason i was trying to make a joke out of it was cos i didnt want to aknowledge it and thus make a big deal out of it only for him to turn around and go "geez, lighten up , i'm only joking".

DawnMc

Hey pet,
He seems like a right prick altogether. Tell him to feck off and if she keeps giving you looks, tell her exactly what he's up to

Femelade

thanks dawn.
he's actually a lovely guy, just pulling the p1ss lately alright, i dont want to get into trouble wit her and her friends and family just for being the innocent party and i'm not leading him on atall.

Tobias Greeshman

Femmy wrote:

he's actually a lovely guy, just pulling the p1ss lately alright, i dont want to get into trouble wit her and her friends and family just for being the innocent party and i'm not leading him on atall.

So he's a lovely guy is he? he's flirting infront of his gf with you for gods sake! Are you sure your not attracted to this guy?

While your taking the whole thing as being innocent and just a laugh, this guy is seeing signs that just aren't there (the whole trechcoat thing). If I were you Id either tell him out straight that he's a friend and nothing's gonna happen or take his gf to the side and tell her that there's nothing between you and her bf at all.

Femelade

yeah, i thik if he tries something 2moro nite at the wedding i 'll have to say something.

Dimitri

Straight off if i tried what he is getting away with i'd recieve a firm asskicking. Also if you've known him for a while and he's only coming onto to you now he could just be using you in an attempt to get dumped. I know it may sound strange but when he is putting spin on it afterwards he'll look like the good guy "She got jealous and dumped me because i wanted to talk to my friends who were girls" Whatever the reason though sitting him down and setting him straight is necessary if he tries anything at the wedding becaue he is putting you in a compromising position and he is not exactly treating his girlfriend fairly either.

Kell

Femmy wrote:

sorry Kell but i totally disagree.

As is your want.

u mean girls and guys cant be friends if one or both of them are in a relationship

No. I just mean you DO NOT FLIRT with your mate knowing he is in a relationship. EVER. Doesnt take a rocket scientist to work out that people will wind up being hurt exactly as per whats happened.

he out of line though,

Erm, is that not in direct contradiction of first point above?

K-

Nevyn

Different people have different rules about flirting with different people.
There are some people I simplly would not flirt with.
There are other with whom I have shocked people arround me with our
antics and then even more so when they found out that we were seeing other people.

It is something that I do talk to my friends about those that I do flirt with.
It is fun and normal you can say 'y know I apppericate you and they way you look and damn it would be nice but it would never work so let just leave it,
there and have fun flirting and never going any further'
Big difference between being that and leering.
And there are lines that should not be crossed.

Sounds like you need to have a talk with your friend and reset those
boundaries and make it very clear that flirting is all it is.

roberteboot

To be honest it seems to me that your enjoying the attention.Not that im getting at you or anything but its pretty obvious your attracted to him and with the jokes your playing along with him.Even if your not intentionally doing it.

And im not condoning what hes doing but its pretty clear that theres two of you in it.If there wasnt youd just tell him to give it a rest.

This really seems like the kind of situation where your going to post up on Monday about how you were with him at the wedding.Your both just dancing around it.When you say you dont want to lose his friendshio it seems more like you dont want to lose the fun of flirting with him when its a little risky.

I know so many people who go "oh ive no intention of kissing so and so" when its clear that they do(they usually even have themselves convinced).

Now i could be reading it completely wrong but its a situation so many people get into and its just the way it seems to me.Hes got a girlfriend.Just tell him to leave it.It wont ruin your friendship.

Talliesin

roberteboot wrote:

To be honest it seems to me that your enjoying the attention.

Well, that's about a third of the point of flirting with someone you aren't actually planning to take things further with.

Another third is that they enjoy the attention, and the final third is that it's just simply jolly good fun.

Humans are social animals and enjoy attention from other humans. The sexual and romantic aspects of our personalities are important parts of our psyches and it's good and healthy to give them a little exercise without necessarily having them kick in completely.

Flirting rocks

Femelade

Kell wrote:

No. I just mean you DO NOT FLIRT with your mate knowing he is in a relationship. EVER. Doesnt take a rocket scientist to work out that people will wind up being hurt exactly as per whats happened.




K-

i didnt flirt with him, to me he's a friend, thats all.
well the wedding came and went.

i was put sitting with him and his girlfriend and a few more for the meal. (there was a table plan made out, so it had nothing to do with me.)

i met him at one stage and he told me that he's not allowed dance with me at the wedding(fair enough) but that he's not allowed talk to me much either, i told him that was a load of crap and that we should be able to talk to eachother, he said he loves his girlfriend and doesnt want to upset her. so we left it at that.

but i met him at the bar the next day and we chatted away fine (although i could feel her eyes burning the back of my head)

scojones

Why do you even want to chat with him? He has a girlfriend, you 'flirting' with him obviously upsets her. Leave it alone.

secret_squirrel

Femmy wrote:

but that he's not allowed talk to me much either, i told him that was a load of crap and that we should be able to talk to eachother,

Why is it crap? The way he's been behaving has created this situation. Why didnt you tell him that?????

Femmy wrote:

he said he loves his girlfriend and doesnt want to upset her.

Maybe he should have thought of that earlier???

Femmy wrote:

but i met him at the bar the next day and we chatted away fine (although i could feel her eyes burning the back of my head)

Understandable dont you think?

You're making a bad situation worse ffs.
You have to cop on and do the decent thing and behave like an adult, since he's not obviously capable of it.

Femelade

secret_squirrel wrote:

You're making a bad situation worse ffs.
You have to cop on and do the decent thing and behave like an adult, since he's not obviously capable of it.

oh, so i should stop talking to my friend cos of his girlfriend. this is his problem and her problem , not mine, if he wants to stop talking to me then he will but otherwise i'm not going to top talking to him.

sjones wrote:

Why do you even want to chat with him? He has a girlfriend, you 'flirting' with him obviously upsets her. Leave it alone.

i was never "flirting" with him, think i made that clear.
he has stopped "flirting" with me to spare his girlfriends feelings, which is damn right.

secret_squirrel

Femmy wrote:

this is his problem and her problem , not mine

No its your problem too - you let him flirt with you too long. Infact why were you posting here if it wasnt a problem? You enjoyed the attention when you got it - now the least you can do is say to your so called mate - that you think he should spend sometime sorting things out with his GF.

All 3 of you sound like you have some growing up to do tbh.

Talliesin

secret_squirrel wrote:

No its your problem too - you let him flirt with you too long.

What do you propose, everyone in a relationship must carry a receipt signed by their partner stating the limits that exist in their relationship?

It's up to the people in the relationship to decide where the limits are, not the person one of them flirts with.

nobodythere

Yeah, be absolutely honest to the girl. It's not your beef so don't get caught up in the lies.

Tell her exactly what he said to you about meeting up and explain that you're not trying to steal her boyfriend and don't want to get caught up in ****.

secret_squirrel

Talliesin wrote:

What do you propose, everyone in a relationship must carry a receipt signed by their partner stating the limits that exist in their relationship?

It's up to the people in the relationship to decide where the limits are, not the person one of them flirts with.

Not all - you're generalising (and generally I agree with you)- Im refering to this particular issue.

The OP knew he was flirting with her - she knew it was driving the GF wild - and still she waited ages before doing anything. Therefore she let herself become (a small) part of the problem - and needs to be (a small) part of the solution. Personally if it was me I would be píssed with the friend for putting me in this position.

Femelade

well i didnt realise how serious it was until just before i posted this thread, which is just a little over a week ago.

it was that night were i realised how pissed off the girlf was getting, and she didnt even know what exactly he was saying to me.

so i decided to say something to him if he started again the next night i would see him.

so i didnt wait ages to do something, i waited a few days till i would see him again.

Sharza-

silas wrote:

If I were you Id either tell him out straight that he's a friend and nothing's gonna happen

I wouldn't do that, he will only pull the "This was actually all a joke, I cant believe you tought it was serious, your up yourself."


Fairness femmy i feel for ya, you did what anyone with a brain would do, and try and make it something harmless just a joke but this guy wont get the point.

If you want to end it without any pain, do what someone else said "If you were my bf id kick your ass". And then go find some bloke you are really interested in and flirt your ass off!

Femelade

Sharza- wrote:

I wouldn't do that, he will only pull the "This was actually all a joke, I cant believe you tought it was serious, your up yourself."


Fairness femmy i feel for ya, you did what anyone with a brain would do, and try and make it something harmless just a joke but this guy wont get the point.

If you want to end it without any pain, do what someone else said "If you were my bf id kick your ass". And then go find some bloke you are really interested in and flirt your ass off!

thanks sharza,
i'm gonna say something like that to him if he does start, but i doubt he will.
i think he probably already got the kick in the ass and is keeping our conversations to a minimum. fine by me!