spending money on herself!

In_the_sea

I really need some advice here. I have a child but he lives with his mother, I pay support fortnightly and I think that not all the money goes on my son. What should I do if I only suspect it? Can i actually come out and accuse or will this affect my rights as a dad? Im not really bothered about it now but I also wanto knw my kid. I dont want him to grow up not knowing me or givin a s*it! Please any advice in how I can confront my ex/ There are a lot of harsh feelings between us and I dont know how to approach it!

weeder

do you actually get to see your son?????

In_the_sea

Well he lives a far bit from me. About an hour and a halfs drive..yes about every two weeks i see him.

Shabadu

What do you mean by 'spends the money on herself'? You need to be a whole lot more specific.

I doubt the child isn't being fed. The money is probably going on groceries. If your money is contributed to her income, and she pays for anything she might get herself out of her income, then possibly.

So? What, she isn't allowed buy herself anything? She should have two bank accounts, one with your cash to spend on your child, and one with hers to spend on herself? If the courts say you have to give her that amount of money fortnightly then that's what you do.

An hour and a halfs drive away is not 'that' far. Some people commute that much every day.

In_the_sea

No im saying maybe im giving her too much money. Im giving her €200 every fortnight for food and clothes and when I visit I ask to see the clothes and shes either bought bad quality ones or very few at all. the food isnt that expensive. Im not sure what to think is the thing....Im not being a d**ckhead who doenst want to pay..I have no prob with that. I just dont want to be taken for a ride by someone who has my child...Im not a typical dad type, infact far from it im really young acting myself and really nieve to be quiet honest when it comes to finance. I have often lost €50 notes in washing machines, so I dont know how to think this..Im going to become more careful with my money. I just dont know how to think into this. I know that sometimes she goes out and might not come back for 2 days and someone else is left mindin the child. It annoys me to see this but I dont want to say anything coz she already hates me, but I appreciate her attitude that she wants me to play a role in my childs life and she makes sure I do which I highly respect her for. Im just hoping if I question if she is using my money to fund the lifestyle I think she is having, and I give her less money if it turns out to be true, she'll think I was only worth having visit the child for the money and now since im not getting as much, I might aswell stop him seeing the child. Im stuck what to do, hardly ever see my child or be taken for a f*ckin ejjit??!

Nevyn

Legally Child maintence is 150 euros a week.
reguardless of if you see your child or not.

Questioning how the mother of your child spends her money/income wont
do you any good, esp if your worried about money yourself.

Maybe the mother of your child is struggling with what little money she has,
esb has gone up, gas is due to rise as well, and she may have had a increase
in rent.

The money you give her is for the clothing, feeding and maintaining your child
in a home.
Kids are more expensive then you think, running a house is expensive.

Why not offer to take your son for the weekend if you can?
Why not take him shopping for clothes ?

Is she not allowed to go out ?
Does she question how you spend your time and money ?

Spend more time with you child and get to see how things really are
it will either but your mind at ease or else give you grounds to have a
hopefully civil and grown up talk about your concerns in reguard
to who and for how long your son is left with.

Talliesin

Looking after a child will affect her ability to earn money, either by requiring her to not work, or by requiring her to pay for child minders and even if she gets free child-minding from a relative it will reduce the flexibility that she has in her career. As such the financial burden of looking after a child is not simply that of the child's material needs, and as such child support is not simply a matter of paying for those material needs.

Even just looking at the child's material needs; they aren't simply a matter of food and clothes. She needs to run a home to keep a roof over the child's head as well as her own and that costs money. Kids need books, toys, occasional trips out to stop them going stir-crazy. Really, if you've a kid €200 can disappear pretty fast.

And really, why are you asking to see the clothes she's buying? Have you reason to believe the child's going about naked because she isn't buying any? Otherwise surely you should assume that the kid is being clothed (now my ex might show me something and say "look at the cute things I got for the kids" but if she didn't I'd still assume the kids had clothes).

Unless you are experiencing a serious having-to-skip-meals level of poverty as a result don't begrudge her it (if it is hitting the pocket to such an extent you may need to re-negotiate the maintenance). Unless you've evidence that the child is actually being neglected then the main decision-maker on how the child is raised and how money is spent on it is the primary care-giver.

In_the_sea

Well I dont want to get into this liberation argument. she can go out if she wants i dont care..she is allowed to go out. i dont care..she cant go bungi jumpin i really dont care..i only care about my son really
Women have a habit of throwing all that in your face..but really I dont care
I would prefer to be out of this s**thole alltogether away from all the women here 2 b honest

Shabadu

I'm amazed it didn't work out with a fine attitude like that.

In_the_sea

I dont care what u think...

Talliesin

In_the_sea wrote:

I dont care what u think...

It was pretty silly of you to ask for people's opinions then.

Yeah, I could do with the money I'd have if less went on maintenance, but likewise my ex could do with getting more money than she does. Neither of us are living a life of luxurious leisure and she has the day-to-day worries of looking after the kids.

Welcome to the real world. It frequently sucks and it's almost always expensive. You can either deal with that as honourably and decently as you can, or you can piss about, moan about it all and try to get out of your responsibilities. Your call.

In_the_sea

I think il just go to sleep and dream about where id prefer to be and who id prefer to know...

Oryx

I dont think your doin too bad paying 100 pw for your son. I think if this issue got brought to court youd end up paying more, and while your ex might have to produce receipts for household expenses, she wouldnt have to justify that every penny you give goes on the child.
Unless you believe your gf is spending money on her social life, and neglecting your child, you should really leave well enough alone. If she is leaving the child with someone for days so she can go out, why dont you suggest you have the child one weekend a month or something to allow her to get out a bit? She might appreciate that suggestion more than being forced to say where she spends her money.

kittenkiller

In_the_sea wrote:

Well I dont want to get into this liberation argument. she can go out if she wants i dont care..she is allowed to go out. i dont care..she cant go bungi jumpin i really dont care..i only care about my son really
Women have a habit of throwing all that in your face..but really I dont care
I would prefer to be out of this s**thole alltogether away from all the women here 2 b honest

Are you high or drunk or something?
This woman is looking after your child!!!
If you dan't care as much as you say you don't then why on earth did you put up this thread???

You should care.
You should care an awful lot!

Children are expensive & it's not just the child you're contributing towards it's the overall running of the home he's living in, his medical care, insurance, trips out, entertainment, household products so that he's not living in squalor...

You are right you are very immature & not just with money.

I don't mean for this to sound like an attack, but you have to take responsibility for how your son is being raised even if you're not raising him yourself

Talliesin

kittenkiller wrote:

If you dan't care as much as you say you don't then why on earth did you put up this thread???

Seeking validation I'd say. Doesn't seem to have gone as planned.

In_the_sea

I was looking for advice and i got some useful bits and tips out of all the threads so thanks to every1 i appreciate it.
As for me being a lad, and every1 saying that i dont want her going out and blablabla. I didnt ask for that. I was concerned about my child, I just dont need a women gives out to lad lecture! Its tedious and Im not one really care what yez say!thanks for the good advice too!
Im acting childish you say? Yeah, maybe I am but sur so what? whats the problem with that? :rolleyes: Yeah hes my child but sur i dont know what the deal is 2 be honest.

In_the_sea

I would prefer a gorgeous eastern european hottie woman now than the bogger who has my child who I care about more than anything. THats childish talk but its true. If I had my time back I would have made sure I wasnt drunk! Im not drunk now nor am I high! Im ashamed that my first child(I only have one) was with her!!

Talliesin

In_the_sea wrote:

Im acting childish you say? Yeah, maybe I am but sur so what? whats the problem with that?

Adults have a better idea of how much things cost. You're acting childish is your entire problem.

tirl

In_the_sea wrote:

I would prefer a gorgeous eastern european hottie woman now than the bogger who has my child who I care about more than anything. THats childish talk but its true. If I had my time back I would have made sure I wasnt drunk! Im not drunk now nor am I high! Im ashamed that my first child(I only have one) was with her!!

your attitude, your ex is well out of it. Be thankful she doesn't take you to court and get more money out of you. Yes you should be ashamed, not of her but of your whole attitude. I can see you will go far!

Nevyn

Hey you may disaprove but please keep things civil.

Femelade

Thaed wrote:

Legally Child maintence is 150 euros a week.
reguardless of if you see your child or not.

.

sorry, but thats bull.

Nevyn

At present, the District Court can award any amount up to 500 euro per week for a spouse, and 150 euro per week for each child. If sums greater than these amounts are being sought, you will need to apply to the Circuit Court.

http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/maintenance.html?PHPSESSID=63ffe21e978b6f83c73f5acdad2abd3e

Femelade

Thaed wrote:

http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/maintenance.html?PHPSESSID=63ffe21e978b6f83c73f5acdad2abd3e

i had to take my ex to court to get maintenance.
he was ordered to pay €40 pw.
hows that then?


maybe would it be different if we were married?

Talliesin

There is no limit on the amount of maintenance the courts can enforce in any direction; it could be nil (not likely unless the primary carer was very wealthy and the other parent penniless), it could be thousands or millions (in the inverse case). The €500 and €150 limits are limits on the powers of the District Court, not on maintenance orders themselves, so the Circuit Court can award more.

Femmy wrote:

maybe would it be different if we were married?

If you had been married then he could, depending on circumstances, have been ordered to support you as well as the child/ren (unless you remarry - your obligations towards an ex-spouse are removed if they remarry, but not towards your child/ren, though the change in financial circumstances that comes from remarriage may affect then next variance order). As it is he only has to support the child/ren, and the amount awarded should be based on respective means, any special needs of the child/ren and other circumstances that affect either parents ability to meet their financial and other responsibilities with regards to the child/ren.

If you think the amount awarded is unreasonable you can apply for a variance order after a year. The parent paying maintenance can also seek a variance order. It's also a good idea to do this every year anyway as circumstances change and that change in circumstances affects the amount that should be paid. In the case of voluntary maintenance agreements it is in the interest of both parents to have a schedule for reassessing payments regularly.

Femelade

Talliesin wrote:

If you think the amount awarded is unreasonable you can apply for a variance order after a year. The parent paying maintenance can also seek a variance order. It's also a good idea to do this every year anyway as circumstances change and that change in circumstances affects the amount that should be paid. In the case of voluntary maintenance agreements it is in the interest of both parents to have a schedule for reassessing payments regularly.

i know its a very un reasonable amount and him like the op would be asking to show him what i bought my child with it, but after a few months he stopped paying it, because he thought i was spending it on myself.

Talliesin

Femmy wrote:

i know its a very un reasonable amount

That depends on how much money each of you have and other circumstances, but it does sound rather low.

Femmy wrote:

and him like the op would be asking to show him what i bought my child with it

:rolleyes:

TBH, that whole attitude pisses me off. Sure, I moan from time to time about not having much money myself, but I'm sure my ex moans about the fact that she's not exactly rolling in it either. I'd love to be affluent enough that I could be giving my ex more money. It's my kids FFS.

but after a few months he stopped paying it, because he thought i was spending it on myself.

If he's employed or on benefits apply for an Attachment of Earnings Order. If he's self-employed apply for an Enforcement Summons.

Femelade

been to my solictior and signed something, it was sent to the guards in his area to bring him to court. so he's in court in sept.

thanks

In_the_sea

I hope you have good luck for bringin him to court femmy. That is a low things to do. You dont realise what stress he could be going through. Your typical vindicitive way could crush the man under pressure!! You dont realise that I dont think!

Talliesin

In_the_sea wrote:

I hope you have good luck for bringin him to court femmy.

I hope she has good luck too. It's a pity it came to it (and I used to know a lawyer that just wouldn't do any Family Law, because it's ****ty cases), but there it is

In_the_sea wrote:

That is a low things to do. You dont realise what stress he could be going through. Your typical vindicitive way could crush the man under pressure!! You dont realise that I dont think!

Feeding your family generally isn't considered vindictive.

Beruthiel

In_the_sea wrote:

I You dont realise what stress he could be going through. Your typical vindicitive way could crush the man under pressure!! You dont realise that I dont think!

you're joking right? :eek:
if you have a child then you are responsible for it, 40 euro a week doesn't cut it, you'd barely keep a child in nappies for that.
I cannot put into words what I think of a man who does not accept responsiblilty for his own flesh and blood.

In_the_sea

The message I get from so many people is like this. you can be crap in life. if someone treats you bad in a diplomatic way, and u react harshly, that gives them the right to call u the bad one.
On my god, I mean if u are with someone and they cheat on u 2 times and really take u to the cleaners and use the excuse may we need some time out etc and u react harshly and say some harsh words, u might be right but every1 will be against you. nowonder there's so much hatred in society. People have no respect for any1!!!! None. all they care about it them!! You on the boards are just "on your high horses" d**ckhe8ds with no experience of anything serious! you can judge all u want but sur it wont get you anywhere!

Femelade

In_the_sea wrote:

I hope you have good luck for bringin him to court femmy. That is a low things to do. You dont realise what stress he could be going through. Your typical vindicitive way could crush the man under pressure!! You dont realise that I dont think!

u have made me so bloodly mad now.
u have NO idea what i ahev been through the past year.
in fact i'll pm it to you, and then mybe i'll get an apology from u on this thread.

In_the_sea

Ok il tell yez what Il do:
Il give all my wages to her...let her laught at me and me be there getting annoyed living in poverty.
Il let her sh)g all the lads in the world using "some" of my money, and then Il leave her ridicule and laught at me behind my back. yet im giving her all the money she wants, it leaves me broke, and also she getting what she deserves because she's a woman. Im still wrong but just doing what im told yet on the bridge of insanity.

That's very fair...I guess that's life! So if I do that will all the preachers be happy?

In_the_sea

Femmy Im not having a personal attack at you!

Talliesin

In_the_sea wrote:

Femmy Im not having a personal attack at you!

Yes you are. You're getting close to the point where I'm not going to bother with reporting it to the Parenting mods and just kick your ass out of the whole site.
Have a bit of cop-on before I lose my patience.

Dellgirl

In the sea.....give over with the text speak will you please? Its really hard to read your posts and you sound like a 14 year old.

In_the_sea

Ok I wont air my opinions in case they stop be getting permission to air them in that case. I wont say anything else. Il be drone and not give my advice il follow the pack in case i get banned. To be honest I think getting banned is ridiculous! seriously ridiculous!!!! That's why il say no more and dont want this post replied to again! before yez ban for saying what i think, and might possibly be making some people upset because they are reading something off the interent from som1 they dont know that is offensive to them. For that I am very sorry.

In_the_sea

well maybe if you all could type faster than typing such slow and short posts then maybe id learn..learn how to type faster and post bigger posts!

Nevyn

So the mother of your child should only ever have enough money ever to
feed and clothe herself and Your child and not do do anything else with her life?

Femmy you are right to take the father of your child to court.
The attidue that are sure dont they get single parents alloance
and isnt that enough is wrong and selfish.

Being the sole parent rearing a child 24 hours a day is hard going.
Everyone needs a break and time out now and again.

Any one who creates a child is responsible for the child and not just
fianically. Fiancally is the barest minium that should be done
and it should not be done grudginly or be used to control the other parent,
or punish or last out at them.

If you are uncomfortible with handing over money then talk to her about
buying things for the child yourself. Buy clothes, school books, shoes ect.

Your child is your responsibilty.

If you are having personal money issues sort them out first,
do what you need to do in your own life, and stopping looking at
what and how the Mother of your child spends her money.

Shabadu

In_the_sea wrote:

You on the boards are just "on your high horses" d**ckhe8ds with no experience of anything serious!

Poor in_the_sea. Almost 40,000 members on boards, and you are the only one who has ever had a serious problem.

I feel for you, really.

Must dash, i'm flying off to the maldives on a unicorn this evening.

In_the_sea

Really Shabadu??? I never realised I was the only one. AWWWW the land of chocolate..........0

Nevyn

In_the_sea wrote:

You on the boards are just "on your high horses" d**ckhe8ds with no experience of anything serious! you can judge all u want but sur it wont get you anywhere!

Most of the people that have post here are real people, most of them parents and most of them I have meet in person and respect.

You dear have no respect for anyone as can be shown by your manner and posting style. One day you will grow up.
Banned for a week.

Thaed

McGinty

In the sea, I have a few comments to make:-

1) It is insulting to ask the mother of your child what is she spending the maintnence money on. It's good that your paying maintenance, and if you genuinly cared about your child and genuinely didn't mind about the money, why make an issue of it.

2) 100 euros a week will cover food, clothes, upkeep of the house, etc. If your child is school going then there is uniforms, books, school bag, school trips, after school clubs, etc. 100 euros doesn't go far, but its better than nothing. I know of two women who each recieve 1600 euros per month.

3) It isn't just women who are responding to your thread and disagreeing with you, its men also.

4) Whats with the hatred of women, if your like this to a crowd of strangers online, God knows what your like to your ex-partner. Are you aware that your intense dislike of her will affect your child.

5) Why is a 1hr and 30 minute drive too difficult, once a fortnight is not very much. Your ex can't be that bad if she actually shows you the clothes she bought. Your lucky I'm not your ex, because I would outright refuse to show you what money has been spend of what, or discuss it with you.

6) If you cut down the money on your ex, I doubt she will stop access because she wishes for the child to see you. If you do cut maintenance, it will hurt your child, because it will affect the mother. Do you really want that? If you have concerns about the quality of her childcare and your child is being neglected then speak to her.

galwaydude

In the sea you are a muppet and give single dads a bad name with the attitude you have regarding your child and your ex. Shes looking after your child, have some respect for your ex.
200 euro is hardly anything to a single mom this days. Reading this thread made me so annoyed and i dont even have kids yet.

Fair play thaed for banning him for a week.

Hells_Belle

Talliesin wrote:

Welcome to the real world. It frequently sucks and it's almost always expensive.

Best. Quote. Ever.

It's now a catchphrase at chez Belle

tel922001

just read over all the posts that were posted on this topic, some very strong words ahve been used, me personally im just out of a 2 1/2 case as a man ,i came out on top full custody ext ext, all that a person should pay , is the cost of wat a kid takes, the ammount that should be made is roughly €70 per week , that changes if ur married, persoanlly from my point i dont want the money, because i work and id rather pay for it myself, but in other cases im sure there is single parents that need the money , but €70 is all for one child , given anything extra is wrong , alot of people will spend the excess on themselves, so i dont think the guy should of gettin banned 'yes he was out of line, but in a situation of this he is goin to get wound up , just like alot of other people , and i think its fair to say there is alot of women out there that will take and take till the cows come home, and also there is alot of women who need and take wat is righfully needed

Agent Smith

Beruthiel wrote:

I cannot put into words what I think of a man who does not accept responsiblilty for his own flesh and blood.

The Word scum comes to mind...

Femelade

agent smith wrote:

The Word scum comes to mind...

oh! i know one of them!

unkel

Breaking up with your partner and leaving the custody of your child with him / her is always going to be extremely difficult and emotional, never mind the finances for both sides

McGinty wrote:

Are you aware that your intense dislike of her will affect your child

Totally agree this is by far the most important issue affecting your child in relation to (future) impact of the separation. Force yourself to never ever say anything negative about your partner to your child