Revenge of the cyber dates

jaggeh

Today, we look at Hannah (names have been changed). Hannah grew up in Israel and moved to the states several years ago with her family and little sister, who she loves so much. Let's watch:


JMG114: Hi! I'm Jared from J-Date.
UhOhHannah: hi
JMG114: You grew up in Israel? What city? I've been to Israel once.
UhOhHannah: you should go more. israel needs your support.*

*You know what else needs support? Testicles. I wore an athletic supporter back when I used to play soccer. There was this one boy, in seventh grade, who all the girls liked. They routinely passed his athletic supporter around class to each other. It was all sweaty.

JMG114: I belonged to the National Yiddish Book Club once. Does that count?
UhOhHannah: it doesn't, but i'm sure that the yiddish book club appreciated your support.
JMG114: Oh. I planted a tree in Israel, too. I like Israel.
UhOhHannah: i was the president of my college hillel group, i've led seventeen mercy missions to israel, and i'm a founding member of women for peace in israel.
JMG114: I started a newsletter once in college. It rocked the party that rocks the party.
UhOhHannah: was the newsletter about israel?
JMG114: As a matter of fact it was.
UhOhHannah: really?
JMG114: No.

*Fast-forward>>>

JMG114: Do you have any siblings?
UhOhHannah: g-d yes. i have a 15-year-old sister who is the best little sister in the whole wide world!!!
JMG114: How so?
UhOhHannah: she's so cute and sweet and she's just my little teddy bear angel who loves me so much and she's just precious and adorable. want me to send you a pic of her?
JMG114: I'd prefer a picture of you. Your profile didn't have one.
UhOhHannah: oh. you want a pic of me? why?
JMG114: Why not?
UhOhHannah: ok

She sends me a picture. It's of a 4-year-old.

JMG114: What is this?
UhOhHannah: what is what? lol
JMG114: This is a picture of a 4-year-old.
UhOhHannah: it's my sister when she was little. wasn't she precious????
JMG114: That reminds me, do you have any pictures of yourself? Your profile didn't have one.

*At this point, I would've pretty much given up on her, thinking that nothing would ever come of it. After all, she didn't seem to have room in her life (or in conversational topics for that matter) for anything other than Israel and her sister. I indulged her in conversation about her sister for a little while longer, bid her goodnight, and figured that that would be the end of it.

*Still, over the course of a week, she kept initiating IM conversations, which made me wonder what harm could possibly come of meeting her once. What harm, indeed.

JMG114: So, we're all set for tomorrow?
UhOhHannah: yep.
JMG114: I'm looking forward to it. You seem awfully sweet.*

*Lies. I just want a smooch.

UhOhHannah: thanks. i have a surprise for you.
JMG114: A good surprise? I like surprises.
UhOhHannah: you'll love it!!!!


We arrange to meet up in front of Lincoln Center. Not knowing what she looks like, I'm on the lookout for a long black coat and a red scarf.

Across the plaza, a girl with shoulder-length brown hair matching her description walks towards me. She looks cute. I smile, but only for an instant. A shorter version of her is walking alongside. Oh, no. She didn't. She couldn't. She wouldn't---

The taller girl, Hannah, smiles, "Hi! It's nice to meet you. This is Dina, my sister."

"Hi!" Dina sticks her hand out violently in my direction. I shake it weakly.

"Hi, Hannah. Hi, um, Dina. It's nice to meet---both of you."

Hannah grins. "She's the surprise!"

Dina poses. "I'm the surprise!"

My brow furrows. "She's a surprise."

Hannah steps closer to me. "I had to bring her along. I told her all about you and she really wanted to meet you. It's important to me that my sister likes whoever I go out with."

"I understand that, but don't you think that it's kind of weird to bring your sister along on a first date? It would've been nice if it were just the two of us, talking, learning about each other---"*

*...finding a secluded place... making out...

Hannah brushes my sleeve. "Maybe next time, hun. Next time. I just wanted to get messy introductions out of the way!"

Dina leans in towards me. "Hannah just hates messy introductions."

They giggle together. I smile, instantly deciding which of the two I'll slaughter first.


*Fast-forward - outdoor pizza lunch! >>>

It's a warm, lovely day in the city. Children are holding balloons, people are out walking dogs, and rollerbladers are colliding with bikers. This is a solid outdoor city day. I'm sitting across the table from Hannah and Dina, the inseparable duo. Ever wonder what elderly spinster sisters who own three-hundred cats look like when they're young? Now I know.

Dina leans in. "When was the last time you went to Israel?"

"I've only been once, about eleven years ago."

Hannah turns into a used car salesman. "You really should go back. A good Jew should go at least once a year, unless you have a valid excuse."

"A valid excuse?"

"You know, if you're sick or pregnant. That sort of thing."

I grin and quip, "I've been pregnant for the past eleven years, you see. That's why I haven't made it back there just yet."

Hannah stares blankly. Dina whispers something into her sister's ear. The two of them giggle.

I sigh, "What is it?"

Dina smirks. "When you chew, your ears wiggle!"

The two burst into peals of laughter. Heads turn our way. I finish up the pizza as fast as possible and suggest a walk in the park. It's easy to lose people in the park.


*Fast-forward>>>

Hannah and Dina are skipping ahead of me, holding hands, and singing camp songs. If I didn't know better, I'd say that they were the ones on a date together.

Hannah glances back and catches me looking darkly at her. I'm about a second or two away from bolting. I can't take it anymore. Hannah runs back to me.

"Hey, honey, what's wrong?"

"This isn't a date! I'm not having fun. It was stupid to bring your sister along, as nice as it may be to meet her. How would you feel if I brought my mother along?"

"It would be weird! This is different though. Dina and I, we're like the same person."

"This is exactly the same! Who brings a date-buddy with them? Nobody! This is ludicrous! I'm leaving."

I turn to go. Hannah grabs the back of my jacket. "Wait here for just a sec. I'll get rid of her."

Hannah runs ahead to where Dina has been waiting. Hannah whispers something into her ear, Dina nods, waves at me, and she skips off, further into the park.

Hannah returns and we sit down together on a park bench. She says, "I'm sorry. I've kind of had it, myself. I've brought her along with me on every date I've ever had, and every guy gets creeped out by it. I can't understand why, but if you'd feel better without her around, then we'll be alone, just like you wanted."

"You don't understand why it's weird?"

"No. She's my sister and we do everything together. I mean, we even shower together sometimes."*

*.....

"You---wait. You shower with her?"

"She's my sister. It's not like she's a stranger or anything. We share everything. It's really not a big deal."

"How do your parents feel about this?"

"They don't care, as long as we get clean. Still, I mean, if guys are uncomfortable with it, then I just have to learn to do things without her."

She inches closer to me, her breathing accelerates, and she continues, "I mean, I've never even been kissed by a guy, because guys have always been freaked out by her being around."

I lean in, close my eyes, and kiss her. She presses her hand to the back of my head, responds well, and we continue the act for a couple of minutes. I rather enjoy it, having never been anyone's first kiss before.

She breaks contact and looks at me incredulously. "Oh my God---"

"What?"

"Oh my God!"

"What?"

"My first real kiss! Oh God! Dina!" She runs off after her sister, never to be seen again.


EPILOGUE:

JMG114: Hannah? Are you there?
JMG114: Hello?
JMG114: Just making sure you're okay.
JMG114: If you were to hypothetically have a boyfriend, and you and this boyfriend were messing around, would your sister have to be present for that? Or, could she be included in on it?
UhOhHannah: AAAAAAH!

///UhOhHannah has signed off >>>

jaggeh

JMG114: Hi! I'm Jared from J-Date.
AllMineMandy: hi
JMG114: The "employment" field was left blank in your profile. What do you do?
AllMineMandy: don't work.
JMG114: Oh. Are you self-employed? I am too, in a manner of speaking.
AllMineMandy: no. don't work.*

*Interlude: If I wanted to speak with a chimpanzee, or even a super-chimpanzee, I'd contact Jane Goodall, or even take a drive down to the Bronx Zoo. Why can't people speak human?

JMG114: So what do you do all day?
AllMineMandy: nothin
JMG114: Very good then. So, you live in Scarsdale, do you?
AllMineMandy: Yes, at Winchester Estate, my family's winter garden.*

*Interlude: Winter garden? Christ. She's not just rich. She's filthy rich. Nothing wrong with that.

JMG114: What do your parents do?
AllMineMandy: daddy is a citibank executive, and mommy does volunteer work. Ace goes to yale, and Penniwell is at J. P. Morgan.
JMG114: Ace? Penniwell? Are they your pets?
AllMineMandy: certainly not. my brother and sister.*

*Interlude: Ace and Penniwell are stupid names. Fast-forward >>>

JMG114: So, would you like to meet?
AllMineMandy: ok
JMG114: When and where would be good for you?
AllMineMandy: anytime, really. i don't work. never have to.*

*Interlude: It would be awesome of this gal were anything like Paris Hilton, you know, like a horny rich girl. I'd make a tape and sell it all over the place. Boo-yah.


*Fast-forward >>> We're meeting at a nice restaurant in Scarsdale!


I approach the violently attractive Amanda. She has short blonde hair, wears a flowered skirt, and some of the loveliest and most expensive jewelry I've ever seen. She extends her hand, and I shake it.

"Amanda, it's nice to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine."

We walk into the restaurant, and I open each door for her, but there are no "thank-yous" in exchange. Oh well. I hope she lets me kiss her, at least.

She sits down. "What do you recommend here?"

I gesture at the menu. "I'd say any chicken dish. They have a way in the kitchen with their poultry."

Her eyes widen. "Poultry? Tell me you didn't come here to eat something as plebian as chicken."*

*Interlude: Many things can be extrapolated from this statement. Most unfortunate of which is the fact that dinner will most likely end up costing me a small fortune.

I stutter, "You don't like chicken?"

"No. I prefer a salad, followed by their best fish and a bottle of a fine white wine. How are their wines, here?"

"Well, I've never really tried a wine here before---"

"So you took me to a place where the wines are of questionable quality?"

"Hey, I almost never have wine when I'm out at dinner. What if McDonalds had a McWine that I had already tasted? Would you have preferred that?"

"McDonalds? That's where the rats eat."

"Okay. I recommend their pan-seared bass."

"Yes, I was looking at that . . ."


*Fast-forward. Dinner's over! >>>

The waiter approaches and deposits the check on the table. I flip it over, and my chin hits the floor. Amanda is tapping her mouth clean with her napkin. Luckily, I have enough to cover dinner, but if we go out for dessert, that'll be a problem.

I pay the check, she doesn't offer to pay the tip nor thank me, and we leave for a stroll down Scarsdale's main thoroughfare, home of some of the most expensive shops in the county.

Walking past Melvin's Jewelers, she stops at the window, staring at a shiny, slim black watch. "Oh, that's just so cute! Look at how cute this watch is."

I look at it and roll my eyes. "It's very cute."

"They're still open. I wonder how much it is." She walks into the store and I follow behind.

She tries it on, loves it, and puts it next to the register. "I'll take it." She then walks to the front of the store briskly, leaving me at the counter.

The salesperson smiles at me. "Will that be check or credit card, sir?"

I shake my head. "I don't know. Ask her. She's paying for it."

"What?" she calls from the front of the store, "What?"

"The salesguy wants to know if you're paying by check or credit card."

"You mean, you're not buying it for me?"

"No. I paid for dinner. The dating manual says that the girl is supposed to buy the watch."

She stares at me incredulously for a little bit, then shrugs. "Okay. No watch for me, then." She leaves the store, I glance apologetically at the sales associate and follow along behind her.

She's walking a few paces ahead of me. I call out, "Hey Amanda, I'm sorry. This probably wasn't a good idea. You're used to one lifestyle, and I'm just not---"

She turns around. "What I'm used to is being treated like a lady. I don't think I've made any unreasonable requests this evening for a first date, do you? I'll forgive you for what just happened, but on our second date, we'll visit a fine restaurant in Manhattan, and you'll pay for that as well. That's the way things work with me."

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I can't go off spending my entire savings account each time you're hungry---"

"Ooh!" she squeals, "A Ben and Jerry's!"

I turn around. Indeed, there is a Ben and Jerry's. She grabs my arm. "Let's go!"

She orders a large fruit smoothie of some sort. I order nothing, wanting to preserve the precious few bills I have left in my wallet. Her smoothie is rung up, and I buy it for her. We then continue to stroll.

She turns to me. "There's something I don't understand. You'll buy me a smoothie, but not that watch? Have I not earned it yet or something?"

"Amanda, I don't come from money the way that you do. To you, dropping almost a hundred dollars at a dinner may be normal, but for me, a hundred dollars is more than a week's worth of dinners. I just don't think we're compatible. I'm sorry."

"I understand."

"Shall I drive you home?"

She nods.


*Fast-forward. I walk her to her door. >>>

"It was nice meeting you, Amanda. You're a sweet gal, and I hope that you meet a guy who can afford to treat you as well as you deserve to be treated."

She looks very upset. "I just---I had a good feeling about you and I wanted things to work out between us."

I touch her shoulder. "Honey, I just can't afford you. You need a Rockefeller or a Vanderbilt. I'm a Jared."

She nods, then huddles in close to hug me. Touched, I hug her back.

She makes her move. Reaching at once into my pocket, she pulls out my wallet and opens it up. "Hey!" I call. She turns around.

"Jeez, look at this. You don't even have any credit cards." She begins rifling through my wallet and dropping cards on the ground.

"Amanda! Give that back!"

She continues to absently go through my personal effects. "I thought you were just pulling my leg, but you really do seem to be pretty poor."

"What? Pretty poor? Give me back my wallet!" I reach for it, but she runs towards her immense lawn, and I'm in pursuit. As we run, she keeps throwing more stuff out of my wallet and all over the place. Damn her. I instantly have an idea that'll stop her and be of suitable revenge in the process.

Easily catching up with her, I pull her skirt and give it a firm yank. She trips over and it comes off easily in my hand. Facing me on the ground, she turns beet red, gasps, stands up, drops my wallet, grabs her skirt from my grasp, slaps me, and runs into her house.

I spend the next several minutes collecting my possessions back into the wallet, and head home, happy that I at least had her skirt off on a first date.


EPILOGUE:

AllMineMandy: asshole. you're paying for that dress.
JMG114: It was worth it. You have great legs.

///AllMineMandy has signed off >>>

jaggeh

Today, we look at Jennifer (names have been changed).


JMG114: Hi Jennifer! I'm Jared from J-Date.
JennyFlirt88: hi
JMG114: How are you?
JennyFlirt88: i'm okay, just doing some lab work.
JMG114: Lab work?
JennyFlirt88: yes. i'm working on my thesis to juxtapose the fundamental properties of matter with their chemical counterparts.*

*Interlude: I'm attracted to smart girls. She doesn't seem too polite, but there's still some potential here. Let's continue.

JMG114: Wow! That sounds neat. Where are you studying?
JennyFlirt88: columbia
JMG114: Ah, smart cookie.
JennyFlirt88: That's me.*

*Interlude: I'm not attracted to conceited girls. She doesn't seem too polite, and she's a bit vain, but maybe we'll keep at it a little longer.

JMG114: So, what do you like to do for fun?
JennyFlirt88: I read a lot. I'm currently performing a critical analysis of the works of philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes for my own personal betterment.
JMG114: Calvin and Hobbes, eh? Heh. Good comic.
JMG114: I'm just kidding.
JMG114: Hello?
JennyFlirt88: The philosophers. NOT the comic.
JMG114: I know. I was just kidding.
JennyFlirt88: ok

*Interlude: Fast-forward>>>

JMG114: So, would you like to meet up this week?
JennyFlirt88: Can't. I'm teaching advanced computing and substrate theory every night this week.
JMG114: Oh yeah? I'm teaching "Dating with Jared" next week. Interested in attending a lecture on the subject?
JennyFlirt88: A lecture? No, thanks.
JMG114: No, I was kidding. Let's meet up next week.
JennyFlirt88: ok

*Fast forward to date>>>


I meet Jennifer in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. She's slim, dark-haired, very pretty, and is wearing a light blue skirt that skips lightly just above her ankles.

*Internal monologue kicks in: "I wonder if she'd be interested in a game of, 'The Naughty Professor?'"

"Hi, Jennifer. It's nice to meet you."

"Thanks."*

*Interlude: I'm sure that this response was just an abbreviated version of, "Thanks, Jared. It's a pleasure to meet you, too." I realized at this point that this would never progress beyond date #1 if I had anything to say about it.

She smiles, and my doubts temporarily vanish. She's a great smiler, and she is very cute. Who knows? Maybe she just takes some time to thaw out.

I smile back. "Do you like sushi?"

"Yes, lots of omega-3 fatty acids. I try to eat fish often."

"I know a great place."

"Lead on, MacDuff."

*Interlude: Knowing this particular line of Shakespeare, I hope to score some points by responding,

"And damned be him who first cries, 'Hold, enough!'"

She smiles. Maybe this won't be too bad, after all.


*Fast-forward to lunch>>>

" . . . but that's why I think Luther was a misguided opportunist. In fact, all one needs to do is look back into history to find out exactly what happens to those who put their disgruntled attitudes ahead of the common good. I mean, look at what happened to the Turks in 1277! Talk about mistakes . . . "

*Interlude: She's been going on like this for FIFTEEN MINUTES. Do you know what I asked her, to start her off on this tangent? Do you? I had asked, "How Jewish are you?" I don't want a history of the Middle Ages! I just want to know if you go to temple on Saturdays! You know something, **** LUTHER! I have to do something. I have to escape---here's my chance---

I lean forward and quip, "Funny you should mention Luther. Why, just the other day, I caught Luthor red-handed robbing the First National Bank. Boy, was he surprised."

She blinks. Has she finally realized that she sounds dumb by sounding so smart?

She asks, "What are you talking about?"

"Lex Luthor. Super-villain, bane of Superman. Bald head, terror of Metropolis---"

"So wha---where did that come from?"

"DC Comics. I like Marvel, too. I'm sorry, what were you saying about Kryptonite?"


*Fast-forward to a walk in the park>>>

She's walking close to me, and I think that she's starting to fall for yours truly. This is bad news, as I had decided forty minutes prior that I'd rather date Albert Einstein than this broad. At least Einstein had a personality and funkier hair. It's time for a desperate escape plan, so I steer the conversation into dire waters.

"So Jennifer, how are you finding the dating scene?"

"Honestly, I don't really have time to date people."

"Except for me, you mean."

"Well, we'll see. I'm just looking for friends right now."

"You're looking for friends---but you agreed to this date with me?"

"This was a date?"*

*Interlude: A guy talks to a girl on the Internet and invites her to meet up with him. When is that NOT a date? You know what? That does it. It's time to use my American Beauty, "Ordinary guy with nothing to lose" mantra.

I stop walking and face her. "Of course! I think it could be. After all, you're very attractive and very interesting to talk to. I could listen to you for hours, no joke. I've never met anyone who is such a receptacle of knowledge."

*Interlude: Yes. YES. She likes that. Stroking her ego---her Achilles' heel, her soft underbelly. Yes. She likes to be reminded of how smart she is.

"Thanks. You're a sweet guy."

Time for checkmate. My salvation draws nigh.

"Jenny, I have an idea for something fun and romantic."

"What's that?"

"How about we each take a turn daring the other of us to do something? It could be fun. Good times for all. You go first."

*Interlude: I'm betting on her asking me to kiss her. That would at least be partial payment for the excruciating "date" we've just had.

"No, you go first. I'm horrible at these things."

*Interlude: Alert! Alert! She wants ME to go first? Damn. She has no sexual imagination and I probably won't even score a smooch out of this, but it has to be done.

"Okay. I have it. Promise you'll do it?"

"What's that?"

"I dare you to prove to me what kind of underwear you're wearing."

"What? But---"

It's far too late for words. I pull her in close for a hug, then slightly peel back the waistband of her skirt and inspect the goods. Wow. I'm shocked. I'm flabbergasted. At least, I pretend to be as I pull away from her with false terror in my eyes.

"What is it?" she asks, "What's wrong?"

I stand up. "I'm sorry, Jenny. I don't think I could ever fall for a girl who wears a Strawberry Shortcake thong. You just ruined my entire childhood!"

"But I'm not wearing a---"

"I'm sorry. This was a mistake. I'll walk you back to the subway."

"Wait, I'm not wearing a---"

"Gragh! I don't want to relive it! My delicate constitution can't take it."

That did it. "Fine!" She storms away on her own, leaving me there only wishing that she could've been wearing what I had pretended that she did.


EPILOGUE:

JMG114: Jenny? You there?
JMG114: I'm sorry about yesterday.
JMG114: It's just that---well---
JMG114: Strawberry Shortcake, Huckleberry Pie, and Blueberry Muffin all did terrible things to me when I was a child. You see, we all went to nursery school together.
JMG114: One day, Huckleberry found an old broomstick in a closet.

///JennyFlirt88 has signed off>>>

jaggeh

Number seven, considered lucky by many, is not the charm in this case---the seventh of my experiences while dating a Jewish lass from J-Date. Today, we examine Courtney (names have been changed), a girl who started out to be so promising and . . . well, I'll let you read on.


JMG114: Hi! I'm Jared from J-Date!
DarkCourtney23: Hi! Let me check your profile.
JMG114: Okay.
JMG114: How does it look?
DarkCourtney23: Hehe... you seem awesome... good pic.*

*Interlude: If you've been following this series, you'd know that this is so far the sweetest and "sanest" girl I've yet encountered. Wow. She's nice, polite... what could go wrong?

JMG114: Thanks. What do you do?
DarkCourtney23: I market websites that sell all kinds of things like books and housewares.
JMG114: How's that working out for you?
DarkCourtney23: It's great! I'm having so much fun. My boss just gave me a raise and promotion yesterday, so I'm totally pumped.
JMG114: Excellent. I used to work in corporate, myself.
DarkCourney23: Do you think you'll ever go back? I just love corporate!
JMG114: I don't think so. I'm much happier now.
DarkCourtney23: Yeah, but you really ought to be in corporate to make money. Do you think you'll ever go back to corporate to make money?
JMG114: I don't think so. I didn't have the best time there.
DarkCourtney23: Yah, but it's a good way to make money. Do you think you'll ever go back? To corporate? To make money? I just love it!*

*Interlude: Okay, so she seems to consider financial worth a major indicator of success. This might be a problem, but I'm sure that I can dazzle her with my witty charm and youthful hijinks.

JMG114: So, you love your job, do you?
DarkCourtney23: Do I ever! I also love my family! Let me tell you about it . . .

*Fast-forward, an hour or so later. >>>

JMG114: Wow. I had no idea that someone's great-grandfather could be capable of such a feat.
DarkCourtney23: lol I know! My family is so cool! Hey... you're asking all of the questions and I haven't asked you anything about yourself yet!*

*Interlude: No ****, Shirley. I can only hear so much about your six-figure parents and how many hairs your pure-bred dog's testicles have before I start digesting my own internal organs in a futile escape attempt. Why not ask something about me, like, "What do you do?" "Where do you live?" You know. Act like you're interested.

DarkCourtney23: Um... what kind of car do you drive??
JMG114: A 1991 Civic. It's my grandfather's and it keeps the insurance down.
DarkCourtney23: I just love my Altima! I named her Anna! Anna Altima! It's great!
JMG114: I used to drive an Altima.
DarkCourtney23: Wasn't it da bomb? You should drive one again. Get rid of that civic, lol
JMG114: It keeps the insurance down.
DarkCourtney23: You see, if you worked in corporate, you could afford insurance! Have you thought about going back to corporate, I mean, seriously thought? It's a good way to afford insurance.

*Fast-forward, we've been talking for a week or so. We've even had a dirty conversation or two. >>>

JMG114: Well, we seem to have no shortage of conversation topics. Want to meet up?
DarkCourtney23: Sure!


*Fast-forward. I'm leaning against a pillar in Penn Station. My cell phone rings. It's Courtney. >>>

"Hi Jared!"

"Hey, what's up?"

"My train just came in. Where are you?"

"I'm standing by a pillar right across from the police desk."

"I think I see you!"

Scanning my eyes over the ocean of bobbing heads, I spot my bleached-blonde quarry. I hang up my cell phone and walk towards her. We lock eyes. I smile. "It's nice to meet you," I say.

Then, something strange happens...

A shadow---maybe a shade of momentary discontent flashes over her face. She gives me a fleeting look, a look which says, "Damn, you're uglier than loose dog ****." Then, just as I see it, it vanishes. She isn't smiling.

"It's nice to meet you, too." She doesn't extend her hand and we don't hug.

I smile. "Thank you. The best way to make it to this Indian place is to go downtown on the N train. Indian still sounds good to you?"

She nods and we head off to the subway. I slip easily into conversation mode. "So, how was your ride?"

"Fine." She isn't looking at me.

"How long did it take for your train to come in?"

"Thirty-five minutes, I guess." She looks away.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." She looks down.

"How was your day? You're always full of funny work stories."

"Oh. It was good."

"Anything exciting happen? You tell me exciting stuff that happens in your corporate world every day."

"Nothing happened today."


*Fast-forward. We're at the snazziest Indian place in town! >>>

We sit down and, turning to her, I flash her a debonair JMG grin. "What do you think of this place? Is this not snazzy?"

She looks around uncomfortably. "It's---different."

We look at the menus in silence and then order. Once again, I attempt a conversation. "This place was written up in Zagat's guide and in a bunch of other restaurant guides. It's supposed to have amazing food."

"Okay."

"Do you have a favorite cuisine?"

"No."

She looks down and studies her nails intently. I look down at my own nails, wondering if her nails are playing "Mr. Ed" reruns, because mine certainly aren't as entertaining.

The food arrives. I tap my plate with a fork. "Courtney, if you'd like anything of mine, feel free to take."

Without a thank you or any kind of acknowledgement, she merely nods and pokes at her own food. By the time I'm done with mine, she's eaten perhaps 2% of her own entrée.

She leans back. "Well, I think that's it for me."

"You hardly touched anything. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

The waiter comes by. "Would you like your meal packed up, Miss?"

"No, thanks."

I watch in sorrow as a nearly full plate of delicious Indian vittles is carried away. Turning back to Courtney, I ask, "Want to head out? I know a good coffee place."

She sighs, "Fine."

We walk to one of my favorite coffee places. She doesn't talk to me and responds to my conversational queries only when she has to.

Once we're seated at a table and have our hot drinks, I pull out my last card, the only thing I know of that'll start up any kind of conversation between the two of us. I mentally cringe and ask, "Tell me about your car."

"Oh, Anna! She's an Altima. Anna Altima! She's super-cool and we do everything together! We're so cute! My sister keeps wanting to drive her, but I won't let her, and Anna probably wouldn't like it either. My parents bought her for me last year and so far she's been just the sweetest, most reliable car I've ever had. She handles really well in the rain and in the snow. Her heating system kicks in super-fast, and she's nice and cool in the summer. Of course, I didn't have much of a chance to take her out last summer because my parents bought her for me at the end of the summer, right when the weather started cooling down. I mean, I'd love to take her out during the summer, but---"

"What color is it?"

"She's---she's red."

"It sounds like a nice car."

"She is." Courtney sips her coffee in silence for the rest of our time in the shop.


As we leave the cafe, I realize that I'd rather watch a donkey give birth than continue on the date. Turning to her, I unveil my greatest idea of the evening. "You're probably tired. Want to head home?"

"Yes."

I ride back up with her to Penn Station and as it turns out, her train isn't due to leave for a half-hour. I'm standing next to her like a dumbass while she stares blankly at the arrival board, probably wishing desperately that it falls on me, or on herself to end this horrifically painful experience.

I turn to her. "So, I'll say goodnight."

"Okay."

I hug her and walk away. Then, I call Jonukah to complain about her, and then I take a train back up from Grand Central to a place in my home county that makes great chai tea. I feel better.



EPILOGUE

JMG114: Hi.
DarkCourtney23: hey.
JMG114: Did you have fun?
DarkCourtney23: I don't think we have romantic chemistry.
JMG114: Me neither.
JMG114: Do you think it helped matters that you're a superficial ****?

///<DarkCourtney23 has signed off>>>

jaggeh

thats all folks

Steoob

eeeh ok... entertaining story but seriously WHAT THE FU(K?

Steoob

whoa ok holy sh!t onyl read the first one.. let me read the rest

Dinner

I read the lot of them. Yes, I do have too much time on my hands. Where did you get those? I have many more hours that need to be wasted.

Steoob

ok read em all... holy sh!t its almost dark haha anyway... ya they're sort of entertaining... its a kind of saved by the bell comedy... like inviting two dates to one prom hehe

jaggeh

www.ubersite.??? cant remember the last bit

dynasty crew

http://www.ubersite.com/u/JMG114

Earthhorse

Ha ha! Those are pretty funny jaggeh. Thanks for posting them. They've kept me entertained in work over the last couple of days.