She's slept around, should I care?

LegacyUser

So I've been going out with a girl for about 6/7 months now, who I like a lot and might even love, I'm not sure yet, she's the first proper girlfriend I've had since the "love of my life", but I'm over her a long time. Anyway - the other night she asked me if I've ever cheated on a girlfriend to which I replied "no". I've only ever had one proper one anyway before this. She's a few years older than me and has had many boyfriends. Well she told me she cheated on ALL of her boyfriends, MANY times, except one boyfriend, her first one of 5 years. She told me her and her two friends used to go out every week and bet with each other to see who could sleep with who etc. etc., all this while having some kind of boyfriend too. I was pretty disgusted by this. I haven't slept with that many people, maybe 12 or so, but she must have slept with dozens or more or god I don't know, I'm not going to ask her, and I reckon she wouldn't know herself. She says she's past that phase now and she'd never cheat on me. For some reason I believe her, and I'm not worried about that, just more kind of put off by the fact that she's slept with so many blokes. Should I care? Would you be put off a bird who's slept with many many blokes?

jsr

I would not be worried by an experienced partner. In fact it makes bed time more fun, but if she was giving it away to random people as part of a game I would want to make sure to have protected sex for fear of catching God-Knows-What. If you don’t want to bring up the subject of STIs, some of which don’t show up for a long time, you could always hose her down with bleach!

RuggieBear

shouldIcare wrote:

Should I care? Would you be put off a bird who's slept with many many blokes?

I wouldn't be put off by a girl who's slept with a lot of blokes but i would be if it was all just part of some random shagging exercise. And i'd be very wary of someone who has a track record of being unfaithful despite her protestations of having changed her spots.

is_that_so

I'd agree. It's not the experience that is a problem but the temptation to wander that would concern me and her apparent enthusiasm for it. I guess it depends how you feel about that. Are you prepared to take a chance on her or do you mind sharing her with others ? Maybe you will be the first one since her first boyfriend that she doesn't cheat on but habits can die hard. It also may be chance to get to the root of why she thinks this way if you're interested. Personally I'd rather some degree of commitment to monogamy.

LundiMardi

if it was me personally, and she told me this over a few quiet drinks, then it would have been the last time she would have seen me, apart from the accumulated dust from my fast exit.

shouldIcare

shouldIcare wrote:

So I've been going out with a girl for about 6/7 months now, who I like a lot and might even love, I'm not sure yet, she's the first proper girlfriend I've had since the "love of my life", but I'm over her a long time. Anyway - the other night she asked me if I've ever cheated on a girlfriend to which I replied "no". I've only ever had one proper one anyway before this. She's a few years older than me and has had many boyfriends. Well she told me she cheated on ALL of her boyfriends, MANY times, except one boyfriend, her first one of 5 years. She told me her and her two friends used to go out every week and bet with each other to see who could sleep with who etc. etc., all this while having some kind of boyfriend too. I was pretty disgusted by this. I haven't slept with that many people, maybe 12 or so, but she must have slept with dozens or more or god I don't know, I'm not going to ask her, and I reckon she wouldn't know herself. She says she's past that phase now and she'd never cheat on me. For some reason I believe her, and I'm not worried about that, just more kind of put off by the fact that she's slept with so many blokes. Should I care? Would you be put off a bird who's slept with many many blokes?

hey she was honest enough to open up to you this so i would put my faith in her. Everyone can change if we give them a chance. perhaps she was going with a heap of plonkers before she met you and Just cos a girl sleeps around it doesnt mean we can frown upon her. she was young and probably didnt want any kind of serious relationship but now it seems she does so give her a chance.

StandnDeliver

so what if she slept with more ppl than you ,i mean men do it why cant women?and the fact she told you of her previous relationship history means she is been straight with you and obviously wants to have no secrets between ye.as for her having more notches on the bedpost i would ask if she was safe every time if not ,both of ye should get sti tested.its only logical. i seriously wouldnt worry about how many ppl the other sleeps with its not a contest.

Chucky the tree

i have her tested before going near it to be honest.

The Sweeper

You should be more worried about your partner's lack of commitment to monogomy than by her range of past partners. Then again, her decision to tell you of her past may signify an effort to turn over a new leaf.

As always in these things, I think the fact that you posted here looking for opinions means you're not so sure about her track record yourself and it's not sitting comfortably with you. I believe some more soul searching may be in order...

Laguna

Ah, I dunno now, I personally wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with a girl who openly admits to her previous shagathon olympics competition with her friend, plus the fact she said she cheated on her previous boyfriends.

LegacyUser

I'm not worried about STDs, I've been with her for 6 months now and all is clear. I don't think she'll cheat on me really, but it's just the thought of all these blokes randomly banging her, it's frustrating, there's nothing you can do about it, hopefully it'll just go away soon. I only found this out the other day so it may have been different had she told me this at the start, but I'm too attached now to just walk off and leave her. Ideally us men probably want someone who's barely slept with anyone but has the bedroom skills of a prostitute. If only...

Chinafoot

I'd be more inclined to go with the "so what if shes slept with more people than you" side of things.

As another poster has pointed out, she was open and honest with you when she didn't have to be. Surely that should stand for something. What she did in the past is just that - the past. Chances are she a lot more mature now and has put those days behind her.

If it really worries you, you should sit her down and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. We've all done things in our youth that would make us cringe now. Just because we did something when we were 17 or 18 doesnt mean we're going to continue doing it through our 20's and 30's.

Also, just because she has slept with a lot of people don't assume that she must automatically have an STI. It is possible to go out and have your fun while being careful. And if she has any sense she gets herself tested regularly anyway.

Anyway, best of luck with it. If you love this girl you shouldn't give up on it just because of this.

The Corinthian

shouldIcare wrote:

Would you be put off a bird who's slept with many many blokes?

I would not be concerned with the fact that she’s sexually experienced. If anything, the older you get, the more concerned you should be if the woman you’re with is not sexually experienced.

Well she told me she cheated on ALL of her boyfriends, MANY times, except one boyfriend, her first one of 5 years.

On the other hand this would concern me as she has essentially given you fair warning that she will cuckold you.

LegacyUser

To be fair I think it's a very normal thing (jealousy is) to not like the thoughts of your gf jumping up and down on a different willy every week.

Nothing can be done about that now, and you do trust her, so you've two options.

Try and hang on for a while and hope the thoughts desist, which they will over time (or maybe not?)

Or else, just walk away.

I'd probably just walk away, nothing against her, but due to my own jealosy (insecurities) wrecking my head
It's not a strong or good thing to walk away, but I'd do it if it saved months of mental torment.

Sleepy

All this comes down to one thing really OP: do you believe her when she says she won't cheat on you? Only you can answer that and your answer tells you what to do.

The idea of a load of randomer shagging your partner isn't a pleasant one to most people but think about it, you're getting the benefits of all her experience now

simu

Many people have phases where they sleep with lots of strangers - I wouldn't worry about it as long as she (and you as well) have gotten tested for STIs recently.

The fact that she told you about this openly indicates that she sees it as part of her past. It would be easier for her to cheat on you if she'd said nothing (or there's the less likely option that she really loves to mess with people's heads).

the_syco

shouldIcare wrote:

the other night she asked me if I've ever cheated on a girlfriend to which I replied "no".

Well she told me she cheated on ALL of her boyfriends, MANY times,

She says she's past that phase now and she'd never cheat on me.

OK, after the first two sentences above, it sounds like she's giving you a hint, but then I thought: she's being honest with ye, thus the 3rd sentence. She may be telling you now, so if you hear X, Y, or Z "did her", you'd know, as she already told ya (honesty being a good policy), thus you'd still trust her. This being opposed her saying nothing, and you finding out through your mates (which would make you doubt her).

I know of someone who had a string of one-night stands in the past, but is now with the same woman for a few years (ie: people change).

=-=

Oh, and OP ignore all those who macho-type-ass-wits, who want a virgin woman as a girlfriend, finds it offensive if she's had sex before (esp more than) them, but see nothing wrong with themselves going on weekly one-night-stands before dating the virgin...:rolleyes:

=-=

Oh, and she may know of more ways than your entire porno collection. Keep that in mind, and ask her does she have any idea's next time your at it.

Gross Halfwit

Watch "Chasing Amy".

Her experience wouldnt phase me but her infidelity would. She told you about it and so that leads me to believe that she wants to be open and honest with you. She could have kept quiet about the whole thing and cheated on you without making you suspicious in the slightest.

LundiMardi

Being open and honest doesn't really mean that she wants to put the past behind her, it could just mean that she's a bit of a dumbass who doesn't really think before she speaks.

jcoote

what is she thinkin sayin that...she'd have to be really deadly for me not to leg it...holy sh1t man

Gross Halfwit

True she could be a dumbass and her previous actions would lead me to believe that she aint the most mature of girls but if she chose to tell him then maybe she wants to turn over a new leaf?

Duckjob

The problem isn't that she has a history of having casual sex , it's that she has a history of having casual sex whilst supposedly being in a relationship.

For all the OP knows, she may have made the same 'heart-to-heart" confession with her previous boyfriends.

I'd be interested to know what her take on her past behaviour was when she told him. Did she completely regret her actions, or did she justify to any degree them by saying that the boyfriends she cheated on were boring/plonkers/knobs etc. I'd be very wary if there was any hint of justification. If there is, then what's to say she won't do the same again to him in the future using the same reasoning.

LundiMardi

From my own point of view, if someone told me they cheated on all their previous bf's while playing kiss chase with their friend, i would never be able to trust them. EVER!.

jcoote

i'm with lundimardi on this one she has done something to make u mistrust her and nothing to make u trust her

ADUB?

OP
I wouldnt mind at all that she has slept with a lot of guys.
I'd be more worried if i were you that she has Cheated so many times and hasnt be able to commit in past
What makes you so sure she holds you in more regard
Two Words 'Leopard Spots' you can fill in the blanks

Sleepy

Whilst certainly not surprising it's interesting how many of the male posters here are so insecure in themselves that they'd dump a girlfriend for being more sexually experienced than them...

As for the infidelity thing, talk to her about it. Did she tell the other boyfriends that she'd done it in the past too? Is this something that's firmly behind her? Make sure she realises that this is not something that's acceptable to you and that if you find out she does the same to you, it's over, no excuses, no justifications, she'll just have to say goodbye then and there.

JohnnyMobile

do it on her before she does it on you....
Man she wont change its in her blood.
I am the same cant be faithfull but I dont lie about it.

you have 2 options.

1) have a bit of fun but be prepared for it to end and treat it as short term

2) Dump her. If your really into her dump her because if you dont she will end up messing things up and its better to end it now before it goes too far.

I personally would take option 2. Go out and slut around a bit yourself get her out of your system.

LundiMardi

JohnnyMobile wrote:

do it on her before she does it on you....
Man she wont change its in her blood.
I am the same cant be faithfull but I dont lie about it.

you have 2 options.

1) have a bit of fun but be prepared for it to end and treat it as short term

2) Dump her. If your really into her dump her because if you dont she will end up messing things up and its better to end it now before it goes too far.

I personally would take option 2. Go out and slut around a bit yourself get her out of your system.

i don't think anyone has a problem with her sexual exerience, it's her inability to be faithful that bothers most.

jcoote

its a plus point thats she knows her way around the bedroom...and the bathroom and kitchen and hotpress ...but its just that she might not be keepin herself jut for u thats the problem thats all we are arguing about

WhiteWashMan

shouldIcare wrote:

So I've been going out with a girl for about 6/7 months now, who I like a lot and might even love, I'm not sure yet, she's the first proper girlfriend I've had since the "love of my life", but I'm over her a long time. Anyway - the other night she asked me if I've ever cheated on a girlfriend to which I replied "no". I've only ever had one proper one anyway before this. She's a few years older than me and has had many boyfriends. Well she told me she cheated on ALL of her boyfriends, MANY times, except one boyfriend, her first one of 5 years. She told me her and her two friends used to go out every week and bet with each other to see who could sleep with who etc. etc., all this while having some kind of boyfriend too. I was pretty disgusted by this. I haven't slept with that many people, maybe 12 or so, but she must have slept with dozens or more or god I don't know, I'm not going to ask her, and I reckon she wouldn't know herself. She says she's past that phase now and she'd never cheat on me. For some reason I believe her, and I'm not worried about that, just more kind of put off by the fact that she's slept with so many blokes. Should I care? Would you be put off a bird who's slept with many many blokes?

what has been done is in the past.

if she hasnt been unfaithful to you, then she has your trust right?
if not, then you are insecure.

if she has been unfaithful, then why are you still with her?

as for caring about how many people she has slept with, what does it matter?
she is with you, here, now.

so be with her, here and now.

JohnnyMobile

LundiMardi wrote:

i don't think anyone has a problem with her sexual exerience, it's her inability to be faithful that bothers most.

which is what I said. I am the same cant be faithfull so I try not get into relationships because its not fair on the "innocent party"

Kingp35

LundiMardi wrote:

if it was me personally, and she told me this over a few quiet drinks, then it would have been the last time she would have seen me, apart from the accumulated dust from my fast exit.

Agree 100% with everything LundiMardi and jcoote have said. I couldnt go out with a girl who has a past like that. The fact that she has slept around a bit wouldnt bother me in the slightest its the whole infidelity issue that would be the problem.

She has only ever been faithful to one guy and she has bets with her mates on who she can shag while she is going out with someone. Come on I would be out of there like of bullit.

As was siad she has given you no reason at all to trust her just a giant one not to trust her!!

In_the_sea

I would be very wary of her.. You are younger than her and you are not as experienced as her and she can use this to her advantage if she decides to cheat.. remember that women are hard to understand..if u get any "hunches" that she might be cheatin or losing interest question how u feel about ur relationship with her..if u notice things like she doesnt text back or her texts are more distant and less detailed..its important to tune in to this relationship if u find any difference..just take my advice make sure u are wary...it saves u a lot of heartache coz i can see u like this girl a lot and shes got more experience and more potential to hurt you!
By the way, if i were you, and she told me about cheating. I would have had more insight into her character and a cheat is a person who might have deeply hurt others they have been with and its not a good character quality in my opinion and it would turn me off straight away.. I would have not left straight away but i would have forgotten about her when the night ended..She's got a bad streak! On a less suble approach to my reply "get rid of her". YOu feel a lot for her and if she done the same to you I think its a bad person putting down a good person coz u at least have feelings for her....
She's not a lady..she's just common if she cheated on every bf...cheap!! good for a once off that's it!!!! not long term!


take care mate

Khannie

The Corinthian wrote:

cuckold

Brilliant word. Haven't heard it in ages. Sorry for the OT, just had to post on that one.

annR

Ok, so she's either decided to be open and honest in advance of turning a new leaf, or she's decided to just be open and honest.

Did she say that she was turning a new leaf or did she just sit there and brag about her past adventures?

Really, if she didn't make it very clear to you that she is turning a new leaf (and doesn't sound like she did), she doesn't care about your reaction. Could be pure thoughtlessness or just letting you know in advance what's coming to ya. Who knows - only she can tell you what she means.

BTW so much for being safe about STIs just cos you've been with her 6 months - don't be so naive for God's sake >>laughing my head off<<. Actually, asking her to be tested would be a very good way of seeing how she feels about you and also about what she told you. Get tested yourself while you're at it . . . . . .Christ of almighty . . . .shaking head in disbelief. . . .

Zynks

Sleeping around can be a sign of low self-esteem. She started "sleeping around" after the first relationship broke up. What went wrong there? Was she badly affected?
You have the opportunity to help her deal with that and build up the kind of relationship that will make her a great and faithful partner.
One thing that might bother you is to hear from other people about her past, and this could be because she left herself down in the past and you hate to be reminded of that - this feeling can be easily confused with jealousy. It is only natural to feel upset if the person you care for so much has put herself in such a situation.

In_the_sea

some people constantly cheat not because they're unfaithful, but because they want to feel attractive..These interim nomad relationships are often very hollow..the cheater wants to build up a list of people they regard that found them attractive. this adds temporary self esteem. Its like a sex addict but they're buzz is out of people who like them and how many times they get their fix...makes sense..its all psychology...question is what makes a relationship work?? good question is there actual love?? or are people still living like animals going from one mate to the other?? that's something that you wonder about but if its true it would be a very lonely cold depressing world that we live in! human bonding means more than sex.. sex is just part of it..it a relationship is all sex, it's not worth it

LegacyUser

actually I think it was just initial shock at hearing it all. I'm fine with it now. I don't understand why people are saying they'd leggit ASAP though, she's really good to me and she puts a lot more into this relationship than I do, maybe it's my lax attitude towards the relationship that's keeping her so interested, women tend to like being kept on their toes. I can't see her cheating on me anyway, not the way things are going right now. She's 31 now and she says that part of her life is well over, also she hadn't slept with someone for about 8 months before she met me, so maybe she has changed. She also said she didn't really care about any of her boyfriends since the first one anyway (the one that wasn't made a cuckhold!). So I'm not worried about the cheating part. A lot of women sleep around nowadays when they're single (or not so single in this case), just like us blokes do (if we can), I just have to get used to that fact!

muppetkiller

Agree with AnnR ..I wouldn't let her into your bed again until she's been checked for STD's ...and if i was you i would've booked into the clinic seconds after she told you her lovely story.

What disturbs me more is the fact that she sounds like she was bragging about this bet she had with her friends...If she had turned a new leaf surely she'd be embarrassed by it.

And as for the women who are saying it's men being insecure because she's more sexually active...I say grow up ...No girl would accept a guy who cheated on every girl they've ever gone out with and especially a guy who made bets with his friends to shag as many women as they could while they were going out with someone.....

Beruthiel

shouldIcare wrote:

She's 31 now and she says that part of her life is well over, also she hadn't slept with someone for about 8 months before she met me, so maybe she has changed.

people do change as they grow up, nice to see you are taking a more sensible attitude than most of the posters on this thread.

annR

>>She's 31 now and she says that part of her life is well over<<

Fair enough. What about the STI stuff?

The Corinthian

Beruthiel wrote:

people do change as they grow up, nice to see you are taking a more sensible attitude than most of the posters on this thread.

While I would not condemn the girl for her past it remains that by her own admission she as been nigh on pathologically unfaithful, so it would not be unfair to express caution. After all, she may have changed and grown up, but that still awaits to be seen.

jcoote

31 doesn't mean grwn up or less likely to sleep around as the justification goes...give her a chance but be on gaurd and try not to get too deep in

LegacyUser

What sort of morons are you people? You can't ask your girlfriend to go and get tested for STDs, not in the real world. She'd be mortified. Anyway I'm not concerned about that. She's not a slag, and she was always very careful with protection with me at the start, before she went on the pille tc. And she was never bragging about it, she mentioned she had cheated on someone and the rest was wrenched out of her by my constant questioning. She seemed very embarassed about it and tried to defend herself by saying "oh well we all make mistakes you used to do a lot of drugs!".

In_the_sea

Beruthiel wrote:

people do change as they grow up, nice to see you are taking a more sensible attitude than most of the posters on this thread.

well you ever heard to expression once a cheat always a cheat...she didnt think it was wrong when she done it so i doubt she magically thinks it's wrong now..well caution is necessary! dont become to involved until you know she's ok about u!

Nevyn

shouldIcare wrote:

What sort of morons are you people? You can't ask your girlfriend to go and get tested for STDs, not in the real world.

What type of idiot would not bring up the topic of STI's with what seems
to be a long term regular sexual partner.

Your relationship with her may not last for ever but herpes, gental warts
ect are for ever but then again if you contract HIV for ever becomes a lot
shorter.

She'd be mortified. Anyway I'm not concerned about that. She's not a slag, and she was always very careful with protection with me at the start,

Doesnt matter how carefull you are at the start the thing is you should not
stop using condoms unless you know for sure and saying you know the person
is no subitute for a full screening.

And she was never bragging about it, she mentioned she had cheated on someone and the rest was wrenched out of her by my constant questioning. She seemed very embarassed about it and tried to defend herself by saying "oh well we all make mistakes you used to do a lot of drugs!".

Seems like you pestered and opened a pandora's box with your need to know,
and now you have to deal with it.

StandnDeliver

never a truer word said thaed.

Kingp35

shouldIcare wrote:

What sort of morons are you people? You can't ask your girlfriend to go and get tested for STDs, not in the real world. She'd be mortified.

What a ridiculous comment!! Of course you can ask her and you should ask her. Just because she tells you one thing and you "know her" doesn't mean she doesn't have an STI. I'm sorry but if you don't get her tested and you as well at this stage then I think you could end up being the Moron.

Get tested ASAP. Any two people entering into a sexual relationship, if they are responsible and either or both partners have slept with a few different people should get tested just to be on the safe side.

Wise up and get your girlfriend tested

chump

shouldIcare wrote:

You can't ask your girlfriend to go and get tested for STDs, not in the real world. She'd be mortified.

shouldIcare wrote:

and the rest was wrenched out of her by my constant questioning.

You need to actually talk to this girl in a striaghtforward way. Instead of pulling info out of her here or there, why dont you actually sit down and talk about all these issues over an hour or two.

Bring up your fears, worries, what you feel uncomfortable about. Let her know you think you both should be tested. Ask her what makes you yourself different from all the bf's shes cheated on before etc. etc...

If you don't have the balls or ability to sit down and tell her what's on your mind, yas are going nowhere... WISE UP

Duckjob

chump wrote:

You need to actually talk to this girl in a striaghtforward way. Instead of pulling info out of her here or there, why dont you actually sit down and talk about all these issues over an hour or two.

Bring up your fears, worries, what you feel uncomfortable about. Let her know you think you both should be tested. Ask her what makes you yourself different from all the bf's shes cheated on before etc. etc...

If you don't have the balls or ability to sit down and tell her what's on your mind, yas are going nowhere... WISE UP

Quite possibly the most sensible post I've read in this thread.

Leaving aside completely the question of whether she will be faithful to him in the future, the risk of STDs is a very real (and very permanent) one, and given her history the OP is quite entitled to protect himself by asking her to get tested.

It doesn't make sense to say that you can't ask her your gf to get tested because she would be mortified. The need to get herself tested for STD's now comes as a consequence of her past actions, and IMO if she is cares about the OP, she should feel a personal responsability to him to go and do that even without even being asked.

btw, to the OP, it's not too bright to come on asking for peoples opinions and then to start insulting them because you disagree with the opinions given.

annR

About her being mortified - how mortified will she be if you catch something from her she didn't even know she had. Imagine telling her that!!!! It's a lot more mortifying having an STI than just getting tested!

I'm not trying to scaremonger, these are real concerns. If you read anything about female infertility you will see that many cases are caused by untreated chlamydia (wrong spelling?) which blocks the tubes, and often has *no symptoms*. She'd be pretty mortified sitting in front of a doctor being told this wouldn't she. Mortified's maybe the wrong word. Devastated more like it. If you don't believe me do a bit of reading on female infertility.

But back to your own health . .chlamydia is treatable . . . .herpes isn't - it's a virus which you have for ever.

If asking her to be tested would mortify her - how much do you trust her to tell you the truth if she did have something . . .she'd probably be too mortified.