Father Ted

Zip

This is were u can talk about anything 2 do with father ted

TheAlmightyArse

Really?

I've always wanted one of these.

Now that I have it, I feel strangely unfulfilled and purposeless.

I suppose such is the nature of desire.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

RoyalMarine

just another spam board...
but trhen again... i loved dermot morgan...
he really made me laugh everytime...
id love to buy every episode... maybe a special edition box set...

OY

Careful now....

I love it!

djmarkus

It's the biggest lingerie section in the country, I understand.

Easily_Irritated

Meet dermot morgan before and he sang my love horse for us whilst doing actions! brilliant! such a cool guy.

Don't call me Len you little prick! lol

RoyalMarine

found these lot on a web site... :-P
cant stop laughing now... jesus lol....

Announcer on Televison: And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.



Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!



Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.



Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?



Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there



Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.



Dougal: Those women were in the nip!



Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks



Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?



Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?



Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.



Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.



Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!



Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?



Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!



Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!



Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!



Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!



Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!



Jack: I love my brick!



Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!



Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!



Jack: A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS!



Jack: I'm a happy camper!



Mrs. Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.



Mrs. Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.



Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!



Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!



Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!



Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!



Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...



Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'



Ted: JUST PLAY THE F***ING NOTE!!!



Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.



Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.



Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink?



Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!



Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.



Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you... your fly's open.



Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.



Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.



Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?



Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!



Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.



Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.



Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.



Mary: (to John) You've a face like a pair o' tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us!



Ted: What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.



Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!



Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?



Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?



Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.



Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....



Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !



John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.



Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.

djmarkus

Mrs. Doyle: "Father, Pat just wanted to know if he could put his massive tool in my box"

Ted: "WHHHHAAAAT?"

Pat Mustard:: "Yes Father its too big for the milk float, I'll get it in the morning"

RoyalMarine

Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.



Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!



Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father



Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!



Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.



Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.



Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops!
(pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.



Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.



Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.



Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)



Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...



Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)



My Lovely Horse
Ted and Dougal's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest (series 2 episode 4).
"My Lovely Horse
Running through the.. field
Where are you going
With your fetlocks blowing
In the... wind

I want to shower you with sugar lumps
And ride you over...fences
I want to polish your hooves every single day
And bring you to the horse... dentist

My lovely horse
You're a pony no... more
Running around
With a man on your back
Like a train in the night
Like a train in the... (hang on I can get this)... night!

This is unsurprisingly easy to play on the guitar, as Ted's guitar technique is not formidable. It's a G chord, except on 'field', 'wind', 'fences', 'dentist' and the final 'night', where it's a C (sort of). For the full effect, take much longer to change between chords than is actually necessary (unless you're a really ****e guitarist).

RoyalMarine

lol found this aswell :-P

http://www.angelfire.com/tv2/fatherted/quiz1.html

jor el

Well all that just cheered me up anyway. One of the best though:

Father Ted : Ah, Sister Assumpta!
Sister Assumpta : Hello Father!
Father Ted : Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal : Er, no.
Father Ted : She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!
[Dougal shakes his head]
Sister Assumpta : And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted : Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more]
Father Ted : You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal : Ah, Sister Assumpta!

And the ever classic

MRS.DOYLE: It was a bit much for me Father. Feck this, and feck that.
FR.TED: Yes Mrs. Doyle.
MRS.DOYLE: Ya big b@stard, aw dreadful language. You big hairy arse, you big fecker. Fierce stuff. And of course the 'F' word Father. The BAD 'F' word. Worse than feck. You know the one I mean.
FR.TED: Yes I do Mrs. Doyle.
MRS.DOYLE: F you, F your F'in wife. Oh I don't know why they have to use language like that. I'll stick this F'in pitch fork up your hole, oh that was another one.
FR.TED: Yes Mrs. Doyle I see what you mean.
MRS.DOYLE: B@stard this and b@stard that. You can't move for the bastards in her novels, it's wall to wall b@stards...
FR.TED: Is it Mrs. Doyle, anyway.
MRS.DOYLE: You fecker. you bollox. Get your bollox out of my face.
FR.TED: Yes you just go and prepare for the nuns.
MRS.DOYLE: Ride me sideways was another one.

Tha Gopher

Pat Mustard was great

"I cant stop, the police are after me"
"They are not?!!"
"Yes, Im so GORGEOUS they want to arrest me"

"Its me father.....ya ignorant bastard"

"FARGO BOYLE!"
"wuahahahha ****IN HELL!"

scuba steve

Dougal walks into room with shaving cream on his face.

Ted: Ah Dougal, theres a little bit of shaving cream on your face there. (points to his face)
Dougal: No theres not Ted, youre grand.
Ted: No, on you.
Dougal: Oh, where exactly Ted?
Ted: Just there below your ear.
(Dougal tries to rub it off)
Ted: Dougal, its all over the place.
(Dougl walk over to mirror)
Dougal: How on earth did that get there, I didnt even shave this morning.

TerrorFirmer

Right lads, Im going upstairs this very minute to watch some father ted!

Classic quotes all around. Its a bit like fawlty towers - theres only a relatively tight knit bunch of episodes, but by god they were all absolutely brilliant.

Best bit ever has to be in the episode with The Caravan, where they think theyve found the right one and are sitting in it, they're all sitting down and a guy comes out in the nude from the shower, rubbing his hair. He just sits down, suddenly sees them, theres a huge silence, and then the next scene is Ted giving his details to the police.

Best episdoe ever imo!

grimloch

I was really amused by this

/jungle music in the background

DOUGAL: Is he like Hitler then Ted?

TED: Oh no Dougal, he's not like Hitler at all, Hitler would never play jungle music till 3 o' clock in the morning.

Not in those precise words but I thought it was absolutley hilarious.

TerrorFirmer

grimloch wrote:

I was really amused by this

/jungle music in the background

DOUGAL: Is he like Hitler then Ted?

TED: Oh no Dougal, he's not like Hitler at all, Hitler would never play jungle music till 3 o' clock in the morning.

Not in those precise words but I thought it was absolutley hilarious.

Dougal: Ted, hes awful. Hes like...hes like Hitler or something!

Ted: No, hes way worse then Hitler! You wouldnt catch Hitler playing Jungle Music at three o clock in the morning!

Brilliant

grimloch

MobileInfantry wrote:

Dougal: Ted, hes awful. Hes like...hes like Hitler or something!

Ted: No, hes way worse then Hitler! You wouldnt catch Hitler playing Jungle Music at three o clock in the morning!

Brilliant

Yep that's the one. The amount of quality phrases that show has.

TED(maybe): What's wrong with him?
OWEN: I've no willy.

----

TED: As God as my witnes, I will kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!!

scuba steve

MobileInfantry wrote:

Right lads, Im going upstairs this very minute to watch some father ted!

Classic quotes all around. Its a bit like fawlty towers - theres only a relatively tight knit bunch of episodes, but by god they were all absolutely brilliant.

Best bit ever has to be in the episode with The Caravan, where they think theyve found the right one and are sitting in it, they're all sitting down and a guy comes out in the nude from the shower, rubbing his hair. He just sits down, suddenly sees them, theres a huge silence, and then the next scene is Ted giving his details to the police.

Best episdoe ever imo!

Me 2 im watching it right now The one with Father Stone

TerrorFirmer

When Dougal is not meant to mention Bishop Brennans illegal son:

Dougal: So...hows the son?
Brennan: What did you say!?
Ted: God! Hows the son of god!

Best quote ever.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

djmarkus

scuba steve wrote:

Me 2 im watching it right now The one with Father Stone

No, the best bit ever was todd uptious! god he was funny.

Drag00n79

Tha Gopher wrote:

"Its me father.....ya ignorant bastard"

LOL

andyman

The one with the over 75s soccer match.

Ted writes down on a sheet of paper:We're being bugged
Dougle writes on a sheet of paper:What?
Ted writes:I SAID We're being bugged.

What? A Classic

RainyDay

jor el wrote:

MRS.DOYLE: Ride me sideways was another one.

I heard Ardal O'Hanlon explaining that this particular line was not scripted - it was improvised by Pauline McLynn during the shoot.