Scientific Laws of Battlefield

KdjaCL

Thread stolen from http://forums.totalbf2.com/showthread.php?t=12535&page=1&pp=20

Class

1. If you spot an enemy before he sees you, chances are you will die.

2. The probability of killing someone is inversely proportional to how much you want to kill him.

3. For every good thing done, something bad happens.

4. If you see a bunch of easy targets in front of you, you will miss all of them and die.

5.You have a better chance of throwing a handfull of sniper rifle bullets and killing the enemy, than shooting them at him.

6.For every one enemy you kill with mines, you will kill 2 friendlies and they will both punish the TK.

7.Idiots have a unique pheromone receptor which can sense a friendly arty strike. Once initiated they run to the center of the strike like moths to a flame, thrust their noses in the air and put there finger on the PgDn button ready for the climax!

8.Thou shalt always respawn into an arty strike or a massive unfriendly assault and die before you can do anything.

9.A dune buggy slowly slipping down a gentle slope is the most brutal and deadly thing in the game if you're standing in its path.

10.When fleeing from an enemy, you will be shot to death, inches away from your cover.

11.when a gunner in a helo, chances are u got the worst pilot u can think of

12.When you have no money chances are your joystick will go funny.

13.If someone with an ak101 happens to glance at you, you will instantly die of fear.

14.No matter what weapon you carry, it will take over half a magazine to attempt to kill the guy that take you out with a three round burst or less.

15.Holding right mouse button when throwing a grenade changes throw length from feet to inches.

16.Even with the dexterity to balance the blade of his knife on his finger, a soldier will constantly miss when lunging to stab a stationary enemy.

17.Somehow, a man can take a 50.cal sniper round to the chest WITHOUT DYING.

18.Your pistol is a much better sniper rifle than your .50cal rifle

19.A crescent wrench can fix anything

20.You can raise a flag in a tank.

21.Seconds before you get your hard-earned Flag-Capture Point, an Enemy will pop up and kill you, giving the Capture Point to your Team-Mate.

22.After shooting an enemy Tank to low Health with your APC, your Gun will overheat and a Team-Mate will grab the kill, leaving you with not even a Kill-Assist.

23.You will never be able to swim away fast enough from an accidently drowned Jeep.

24.Claymores only kill foolish teammates.

25.If you want an enemy to abandon an armoured vehicle, run at it from the rear and let them see you doing it, they'll jump out.

26.No matter what, dephibulators cure all

27.the pinnacle of aviation technology cannot help a bomb hit its target

28.all vehicles have electrical armour plating, as when u touch it, ur dead

29.The more you press the 9 key to deploy a chute, the less likley the chute will deploy

30.You spawn right next to the enemy tank.

31.If you want to be a sniper you should choose Anti-Tank Class.

32.Just as you detonate the C4 on the UAV trailer, two to three teammates will drive up in a jeep right next to the detonation site.

33.No matter how much you shoot a guy parachuting down, he will never take any damage. And, when he gets down you are out of ammo and he kills you.

34.You are killed after a 10 minute run to an enemy flag, right before you reach it.

35.Water is extremly flamable and will cause vehicles to explode.

36.If your ina group and run into a single enemy, you WILL die first.

37.Confucious say: When commander drop supply crate from sky, look up or you will endure headache until next spawn

38.Confucious say: Man with handful of wheat will hit enemy more than with M229 SAW.

39.Spawning is more like a race to the heli.

40.A tank thats motionless while capturing a flag will wait until you run up behind it to plant C4 before the drivers cat steps on the S key and kills you.

41.Just after you found a great Spot to snipe from, while taking careful Aim at a Group of Enemies - you will be knifed from behind.

42.After taking a few well-aimed Shots at an Enemy, he will spin around and kill you with a single round from his MP5.

43.You must be the fattest person in the army as you cannot fit through a 3 foot wide gap between the bamboo

44.After throwing a pack of C4 ontop of a smoking tank, and pulling out detonator, the remaining C4 (in your pocket) will magically explode...every time.

45.If you are capping a flag alone in a tank the one enemy that manages to spawn in time will be a spec op...

46.If you are capping a flag and once it goes neutral you hear arty guns firing in the distance, run like #@$%!!!

47.If you need tank support, drop a mine on the road and a friendly tank will show up in no time...

48.If you respawn as an anti-tank the tank will have either disapeared or magiclly spawned many enemys' who know exactly where you respawned

49.When in need of medical aide call for a supply drop, the crate will be there in no time to crush you to death, thus ending your need for medical aide

50.Asking a Commander for ammo means he will send Artillery with the assumption you catch them and throw them at the enemy.

Add more


kdjac

po0k

BlueDrax

If you manage to lock-on and fire both anti-aircraft missiles at an enemy helicopter, they will both miss, fly off into the sunset and destroy a friendly helicopter. The more friendly troops in the helicopter, the greater the chance.

(Happened to me twice now. I'm afraid to use the bloody things.)

It takes a full clip to kill an enemy soldier, but the one shot you accidentally fire at a friendly will be fatal.

TerrorFirmer

BlueDrax wrote:

If you manage to lock-on and fire both anti-aircraft missiles at an enemy helicopter, they will both miss, fly off into the sunset and destroy a friendly helicopter. The more friendly troops in the helicopter, the greater the chance.

(Happened to me twice now. I'm afraid to use the bloody things.)

It takes a full clip to kill an enemy soldier, but the one shot you accidentally fire at a friendly will be fatal.

Lol! So true. Great Post, the original one, and this one.

wideband

Nice one kdjac, hilarious.

i'd say we all can relate to most of the points, but this guy is having a really bad day.

KdjaCL

wideband wrote:

Nice one kdjac, hilarious.

i'd say we all can relate to most of the points, but this guy is having a really bad day.

Its a thread orignal guy posted 1st 4 ppl then aded to it.
14 and 50 are mine sadly


Add to it there are many more.

Stickified

kdjac

Dinner

No. 40 always happens to me. I've never yet been able to plant a C4 on a tank, run away and detonate it without the driver reversing or some other enemy pops up behind you and shoots.

TerrorFirmer

Fumbling with the reload button on my configuartion tends to have me, rather then reload, produce a knife in the middle of a frantic firefight.

Zipping around the place in a buggy, fly over a bump and land on a pile of friendlies, or in the case of enemies, get blown out of the sky the second you come into view.

Trying to stab someone after sneaking up behind them, and somehow missing, and have them turn around and kill you in one shot.

All settled in a nice spot for picking off the enemy, and then some guy wandering around the place stabs you while you are looking through the scope
Fling a grenade into a group of enemies, they all run away and then some tools on your team wander out from behind a house and vaguely give chase managing to be directly over the grenade at time of detonation

Having a tank blow up literally the exact second you climb into it.

I have a problem with my optical where every half hour it starts spinning crazily until you move it sharply in one direction. Can you imagine the amount of times? "Oh yeah, I got that baby in my sights...." *Mouse goes crazy, fire into the ground by mistake, blow up loads of friendlies* Team: ffs.....another stupid teamkiller *kicked from server*

Ah, great times, not so much laughter at the actual time of the events mentioned actually occuring.

the_syco

Repairing a heli on the ground is not a good idea. You'll either be shot when it gets repaired by an enemy, your own team (damn chopper whores), or someone will run up to it, and plant C4 to the side of it.

If you do manage to repair it, and take off, you'll be hit by a tank.

R0ot

- (Take into account a crappy gfx card for this) If you do manage to get onto a ranked server the game will have ended and a map change will have begun causing you to have to wait for an extra 15 minutes until you can play. (i really need a new card)
- Chances of getting into a heli with enemy c4 attached to it greatly increase when (NRG)Scrapper is on the map.
- Knife - €20
M9 Semi-Automatic Pistol - €120
M4 Carbine - €2320
C4 Explosives - €2000
High Explosive (HE) Grenades - €100
Having the enemy team pile into a black hawk heli with your c4 attached to it unawares - PRICELESS

the_syco

MobileInfantry wrote:

All settled in a nice spot for picking off the enemy, and then some guy wandering around the place stabs you while you are looking through the scope

Aye. What baffles me is: I walk across open ground, up the ladder (big warehouse, to the SW of the island of Oman), and there I see, someone sniping. Walk up, and knife the dude. Claymore, dude: claymore your back!

MobileInfantry wrote:

I have a problem with my optical where every half hour it starts spinning crazily until you move it sharply in one direction. Can you imagine the amount of times? "Oh yeah, I got that baby in my sights...." *Mouse goes crazy, fire into the ground by mistake, blow up loads of friendlies* Team: ffs.....another stupid teamkiller *kicked from server*

Do you have a Dell mouse? All cheap-ass optical mice seem to have tis problem. Solution: get a proper mouse.

=-=

Another funny is if you see someone coming at full throttle to fun you over, duck-and-cover! Go prone, buggy/tank/apc will 8 out of 10 times, go right over you, not even hurting you. They'll think your now dead, so you can hop up, and C4 their ass (or their belly as they go over you), and blow them up if they turn around

jaggeh

when you have a shot with a wire guided missile and its a sure thing, its garunteed that a friendly jeep full of troops will drive past and take the missile while its mid flight

Subliminal

When your flying the cobra helicopter, youve avoided 10 lock ons, then the tool on your team flying the blackhawk rams into you! - Happened 6 times-

Pugsley

MobileInfantry wrote:

I have a problem with my optical where every half hour it starts spinning crazily until you move it sharply in one direction. Can you imagine the amount of times? "Oh yeah, I got that baby in my sights...." *Mouse goes crazy, fire into the ground by mistake, blow up loads of friendlies* Team: ffs.....another stupid teamkiller *kicked from server*

If you have a rather pants optical mouse that will happen if a hair gets under the laser, simply pick it out and it should be fine.

Zillah

There's the classic "Hop in as gunner, lift into the air, tilt, tilt, fall over, crash"

WHY WERE YOU FLYING A CHOPPER IF YOU CAN'T FLY!?

Agent47

U anticipate an arty strike, u run away and watch as it rains hell. It appears to hav stopped so u make ur way back just as one comes flying down miles from the epicentre just to take you out!


:cool:

Agent47

You'll find a good place to snipe, get a few kills then someone as support thinks its a good idea to lay next to you and makes as much noise possible leading to swarm of bullets on your position!


:mad:

Dr_MaSoN

Agent47 wrote:

You'll find a good place to snipe, get a few kills then someone as support thinks its a good idea to lay next to you and makes as much noise possible leading to swarm of bullets on your position!


:mad:

oh i hate when that happens :mad: ... lol

timeout

LOL

Yes its all so true.But this is a fun sort of game where the laws of Murphy have been extended.

Agent47

Shock paddles will only work in safe conditions (rare occurance). The amount of times ive ran in the middle of the road in Karkland, bullets flying past my head, defribbed a guy about 4 times and still he wont get up only to finally get shot!

Subliminal

Hi Rang... Agent 47, Ive told you before, you need to speak to tech support about your shock paddles!

Agent47

i did, their reply was "HA gotcha!"

Caco

You see an enemy and they haven't seen you so ya sneak up on them and start firing. Suddenly your mag runs out and you start reloadin as your enemy turns and blows your head off with one shot!

Still love this game!

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Sorry but that's just not right, don't you know the basic rules of combat??? You should always reload before you ''go in''. I reload all the time, whenever I get a chance...

Keyzer

Maximo Disgusting Renter wrote:

Sorry but that's just not right, don't you know the basic rules of combat??? You should always reload before you ''go in''. I reload all the time, whenever I get a chance...

Ditto.... I'll reload whenever I kill someone or when I get a quiet moment...

bagdaddy

I hate the way you can only throw the c4 2 feet.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Do you know how much that stuff weighs??? With that pouch I doubt you would throw it far... Althought it is very annoying.

Keyzer

Maximo Disgusting Renter wrote:

Do you know how much that stuff weighs??? With that pouch I doubt you would throw it far... Althought it is very annoying.

How would you know how heavy C4 is?

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Life experiences??? It's not exactly hard to understand the weight of a satchel of c4...

Agent47

maybe its the incredibly heavy stuff!?!


Either that or he goes to throw it, then out of fear that it mite blow he goes to drop it but u end up wiv sumthing inbetween

It boggles the mind:)

Silverfish

Then if they're going for realism of not being able to throw it far because its heavy, then maybe they should go for being able to run for longer as you throw more of it away?

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

yea maybe... :-)

Anyway C4 won't blow up form throwing it, it needs an electronic charge. Why would there be a detonator on it? I wonder sometimes...

Keyzer

Maximo Disgusting Renter wrote:

yea maybe... :-)

Anyway C4 won't blow up form throwing it, it needs an electronic charge. Why would there be a detonator on it? I wonder sometimes...

Right, enough of that or you'll have the PSNI knocking at your door

Cabelo

In a heli I manage to pull off a double barrell roll to avoid two surface to air missiles, then loop the loop to avoid a plane shot and inexplicably settle out just in time to be hit by a tank from almost directly below...

Team mates say, "OMG! **** pilot!"

Seriously, it's not easy to be the helicopter lad sometimes.

Keyzer

Cabelo wrote:

In a heli I manage to pull off a double barrell roll to avoid two surface to air missiles, then loop the loop to avoid a plane shot and inexplicably settle out just in time to be hit by a tank from almost directly below...

Team mates say, "OMG! **** pilot!"

Seriously, it's not easy to be the helicopter lad sometimes.

Hah, thats nothing...
I flew my plane upside for a whole round, got 800 kills, then when I got bored flying I managed to change the jet into a tank, ala transformers, and got another 800 kills...

jonski

I was flying the jet the other night and managed to fire two missiles straight through the transport chopper I can't kill anyone in those damn things .

Cabelo

Keyzer wrote:

Hah, thats nothing...
I flew my plane upside for a whole round, got 800 kills, then when I got bored flying I managed to change the jet into a tank, ala transformers, and got another 800 kills...

Dewd, srsly screens. Last time that happened I lagged out before I got to use Optimus Prime and rub energon all over their artillery.