Any advice?

LegacyUser

Hey,
Don't want to bore you lot but I'm completely stuck in a rut at the moment. I'm 22, I know who I am, I know what I am, but I've been playing it straight for so long. On the flip side; I like being *normal* (if that's not being too insulting), I like my beer, like my football, like a banter with the lads and I DON'T feel the need to go on marches and the likes. I can't imagine going out "on the scene" because I don't like the idea of going somewhere categorised, like some sort of "club". You know, I don't think it's a big deal WHO you fancy, yet I haven't the guts to admit that to my friends yet. I had a thing with a 23yr old when I was 15 and that just felt shameful! It's just a bit ridiculous now, I've had a few really hot girls ask me out over the last year and I'm saying no and thinking up lame excuses but at the same time I really don't like the reality of being different!

I see lots of people on here who are seemingly really comfortable with themselves, and whilst I do too....theres a huge part of me that I'm not even admitting to!

Any of this make sense?
Any Advice?
Cheers

swiss

All of it makes sense.

Let me put it this way. Being gay does not necessarily mean that you have to join the pink brigade, take an immediate fascination to Kylie, ditch sport for regular beauty treatments and beer for cócktails. When I accepted that I was gay a few years ago, I thought for a while that I would have to integrate to a certain extent into gay culture, which I didn't really want to do. I supposed that if I wasn't careful, I would start referring to stuff as "fabulous", start wearing pink and flaunt my arms around in exaggerated movements.

But what I found was that the most prevalent trait about gay people was that they were as wide and diverse as any section of society. Sure, some gay people fit into the mould of what society considers "gay", but for the most part gay people are as ordinary or extraordinary as anybody else, with varying shades of pink in some cases.

As for going out on the "scene", well what initially prompted me to go out was frankly the prospect of hooking up with another guy. Classy, no, but it was a motivation. Again, what I have found is that you don't have to be gay to go to a gay bar, just like you don't need to be straight to go into a "regular" bar. Sure, most of the clientele are gay, but the real attraction of such a bar is the more open and relaxed atmosphere. I found people were and are more relaxed and open since they didn't feel that they had to conform to how society expected them to behave. Of course, it's also about hooking up with others of the same sex, but that isn't much different than a guy and a girl hooking up in a bar or nightclub.

I took part in the gay parade this year (in fact it was on a few days ago) and while I didn't wave any flags or blow any whistles I had a blast. It's a parade, and it's fun. That brings me to your next point, which is that you feel you are different. You are not. You would be surprised how many people are gay, and how many people are in almost exactly the same position as yourself. Granted, homosexuals are in a minority, but again, as you yourself said, you're pretty much the same as most other people around you. You enjoy your sports, your beer and so on.

Everyone decides to a certain extent how open about their sexuality they are. It's not my place to tell you whether or not you should say anything to your family or friends. But I would recommend that you try to be a little more open to yourself. Once you do that you may find that you will answer some of your own unspoken questions, such as how to feel more comfortable with yourself.

In any case, best of luck.

Hmm_Messiah

I see lots of people on here who are seemingly really comfortable with themselves, and whilst I do too....theres a huge part of me that I'm not even admitting to!

Being aware its there is close enough sometimes to admitting to it, depending where/how you find yourself in the world.

For the first lines of your post sounds like you want to change things, maybe its time for a change, maybe somethign just brought it to the fore and and a few weeks you'll be happy with the status quo .
Advice would be to spend some time thinking on it, writing here if it helps you "speak to yourself". Don't feel youmust do anythign, but also the truth is , the more you allow yourself to be "you" the happier you will be, not always easy, but the sense of "completeness" is overwhelming.

Re "the scene", I am not sure its quite as you imagine it, the relaxed atmosphere alone is a plus in trying it out. And you don't have to give up anything you do now, being gay/bi isn't about behaviour.

If your eperience is limited to when u were 15 withthe 23 yr old, you might benefit from maing a few gay friends.

And if anythign u feel u have to do seems daunting rememebr you will have fun along the way.

Annasopra

All excellent advice above - If you come out you will still be you and you can still the things you like - drink beer, watch football, go out with the lads - coming out as gay does not mean suddenly that a person starts to conform to every gay stereotype - there are many gay people like you who don't - there are many gay people who refuse to march in pride marches because they think that it portrays all the negative stereotypes (and it does to an extent - but thats another argument) -

what I am saying is you should be happy in yourself and don't assume that to be gay you have to be a camp-overt-effeminate-soccer hating- champagne drinking-scene queen or anything else

Hmm_Messiah

Johnnymcg wrote:

you should be happy in yourself and don't assume that to be gay you have to be a camp-overt-effeminate-soccer hating- champagne drinking-scene queen or anything else

of course if that's who u are then thats ok too :cool:

(for those about to come out-camp-over-effeminate-soccer hating- champagne drinking-scene queens)

Goodshape

My situation sounds quite similar to the OP's. I'm just going to relate experience rather than answer questions, as I'm still trying to figure some of them out.

I'm 21 and have only recently - last few months - started accepting who (or 'what') I am. There's been other times in the past when I was happier with myself, thinking it no ones business but my own and accepting it without actually acting on it... but then there was a few years when I actually found myself denying it. Lying to myself even, and they're right when they say that's not a healthy thing to do.

The week I accepted it for myself was honestly one of my happiest weeks in recent memory. Not because of any particular 'event' -- there was nothing other people noticed; I didn't tell anyone at this stage -- but I felt I had made a big step forward.. I decided **** it, what actual difference does it make to anyone else? or even to myself? And it doesn't make any.

I'm still myself, how could I not be? The only thing that's changed is in my head... I can now relax and notice a good looking guy without thinking 'oh no, what's that feeling?... better look at something else..' or worrying about who else might notice.

For me so far (and still early days yet I'm sure) it's been far more about mental changes than physical changes. I still know what I want from a pub or a night out -- and it's definitely not Kyle music (although it's not like there isn't a plethora of bad 'straight' bars at the same time). I don't think that's going to change anytime soon.

Anyway, I finally told one of my flatmates a few days ago. It took me too long between step one and step two I think, but he was completely cool with it -- although I pretty much new he would be. Doesn't make saying the words any easier though... 'by the way, I'm gay'.. how often does that come up in conversation? But in the end I just said it, walking home from the pub, and it was great. We sat, talked about it for a while.. he knew something had been on my mind and above all else was just thankful I could finally let it out.

Still not a perfect situation.. I'm living with three (sometimes four) straight guys in an apartment in Prague and I've only told one of them as yet (although the others may well suspect at this stage) but I finally feel I'm making steps in the right direction. A huge weight of my mind.

So my only advice is not to bottle it up I suppose.. everyone's situation is different, but for me I just had to get the words out. I knew who I was, but what difference did that make if I still had to pretend for everyone else? It's not them that matter, but a little support can be a great thing at the same time.

And now I've got my first weekend as an official 'gay person' to enjoy... not sure how that's going to work out, but what an adventure all the same :-)

Hmm_Messiah

Goodshape wrote:

And now I've got my first weekend as an official 'gay person' to enjoy... not sure how that's going to work out, but what an adventure all the same :-)

made me smile
(not that I never smile)

enjoy the many adventures ahead

ixoy

I remember being much in the same mould as yourself a few years ago. I struggled with the concept of my being able to be gay because I assumed (wrongly) that the gay culture out there only reflected the Jack's from "Will & Grace" and all have Madonna and so forth. As Swiss and others pointed out, when you actually do go out and meet some gay folk, you'll find a great diversity. Sure, you might find a higher percentage of gay man than straight like Kylie for her music, but go to the likes of Q+A nightclub and you'll also see those who like their alt-rock.

Don't get hung up on having to identify with some sort of culture by being gay. Don't think you have to alter yourself to fit some preconceived concept people may have. All it really means is that you like other men. No more, no less. Once you realise that (as I did eventually), you'll be happier.

arrietty

Cool, good for you, Goodshape.

Ritter: there's not a lot I can add. Some good advice given above. End of the day, you've got to be comfortable with yourself, and though it's hard, believe me when I say it's worth it in the end. Good luck!

shay_562

As for going out on the "scene", well what initially prompted me to go out was frankly the prospect of hooking up with another guy. Classy, no, but it was a motivation.

...there are other motivations?

Ritter - All I can say is, if you're completely sure you're gay, you're going to have to tell them at some point, and the sooner you do it, the sooner they'll get used to it and you can adjust to being yourself (and as others have already said, you'll still be exactly the same as you are now, being gay =/= liking friggin' Kylie Minogue) and being comfortable in your own skin. The only advice I can really give is work out who's likely to take it best and tell a few people like that first, to get used to the idea and be more confident about it. Good luck!

Boston

[font=&quot]I just tried to carry on as if I was going out with a girl as far as friends go. I didn't shy away from talking about the usual sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, which allot of guys who come out seem to do. The minute you start sensoring yourself, you change, and all of a sudden it becomes apparent that theres taboo topics. Not saying its easy, fine line to walk. Theres a fair view guy/bi guys like yourself out there, fair view post on this forum[/font]