it it me or him?

adventuredude

Hi I'm probably going to come across as really sad but I've got into a mind set and need some perspective so here goes....

My boyfriend and I have a mutual friend (she was my friend to begin with). She works near him and they meet occassionally. Lately I've started to get really paranoid because he never mentions her but when I meet her she always tells me that they've met etc. I've found out he sends her all these emails that he doesn't send me and I'm a little hurt because during the week he doesn't get in touch with me much. I sometimes meet him for lunch but I always organise it. I feel insecure because he makes jokes - i.e. insults me - but doesn't balance it out by complimenting me. I can take a joke but when it's all the time it's a bit much. This is hard because otherwise we get on really well and I don't know whether I'm just paranoid/obsessing or whether I'm justified in being hurt. If he doesn't love me why is he still with me? Am I just a psycho?

Your honesty will be much appreciated - even if I don't like it

kaimera

imo, i'd be worried.

He doesn't mention they meet but she does. You gotta ask him why?

the jokes : if your bf cant see that he's putting you down he's not worth it.

talk to him.

Bard

You're a girl? Your nickname is 'adventuredude'? What's with that?

ct5amr2ig1nfhp

Hmmm. Could be a guy....

Fysh

It sounds to me like the real problem is that your relationship has lost its shine somewhat and your boyfriend is not making you feel wanted, and that the worries about this mutual friend is arising from that insecurity. The only real solution to this is going to be talking it through with him - he may genuinely not realise that his put-downs hurt you, or that you want to spend more time together during the week as opposed to each doing your own thing.

I know it sounds like a pain in the arse, but arrange some time where the two of you can just relax together, maybe have dinner and some wine or something, and just talk it out.

Hope you can work it out.

WhiteWashMan

if you are not feeling secure, then thats an issue for both of you.
its not a case of you or him, relationships are between two people.
and two people need to work it out.

nesf

Fysh wrote:

It sounds to me like the real problem is that your relationship has lost its shine somewhat and your boyfriend is not making you feel wanted, and that the worries about this mutual friend is arising from that insecurity. The only real solution to this is going to be talking it through with him - he may genuinely not realise that his put-downs hurt you, or that you want to spend more time together during the week as opposed to each doing your own thing.

I know it sounds like a pain in the arse, but arrange some time where the two of you can just relax together, maybe have dinner and some wine or something, and just talk it out.

Hope you can work it out.

Damn you, that was going to be my post!!!


Your problem is not that he has a friend, you problem is that you feel insecure in the relationship and/or don't trust him. Don't try and blame the issues within your relationship on an outside party. Talk to your partner, and work it out with them.

That you expect him to report every meeting wouldn't sit well with me. Don't you have any trust for him?

Well. I'm assuming here you want to face reality and deal with said issues. If you don't then, meh, blame the girl and make his life hell. Don't expect him to understand though.

Quantum

There are lots of things that I could say and some of them have already been said. However here are just a couple of thoughts.

Firstly - please be aware that men do not chat and report on the day the same way that women do. It is just the way men and women are. It really may not be of any significance whatsoever. They don't even use email the same (see below).

What is more worrying is your own relationship with your boyfriend. Don't fall into the trap of blaming something else that just happens to be going on at the same time.

There is NO better way of dealing with his that TALKING to him about all of this. Otherwise nothing weill be dealt with or solved. TALK to him about his attitude to you, his slagging etc. and along the way you can explore if he actually denies his emails to his friend etc. which he may not do - he may just feel it's not something he feels worth telling you about. Perhaps he knows that it is just a friendship, but is being sensetive to you and suspects it may upset you. There's lots of possibilities, most of which are benign.

So deal with YOUR relationship, and don't let other things get in the way. And remember men and NOT the same as women, and never will be.

Read this article for some good stuff on this subject ...

For anyone else interesting in this issue - which I believe to be one of the most important things for ANY guy or girl to learn from the age of 15 - check out books and writings by Deborah Tannen such as the brilliant "You Just Don't Understand" which I know is in many of the Dublin Libraries. Her website is here

kegan5

If I was you I'd say I spoke to girlie today, did u have a nice time? Seriously though if he is messin around throw him out with the trash lol

nesf

From the above article:

"[f]or many women, conversation is an activity in itself, while for many men, conversation is merely a means to an end"

Interesting...

LegacyUser

i have a girlfriend. and i also have a very close friend who is a girl also, me and my friend exchange emails all the time, mostly jokes and stuff

as my girlfriend is very insecure i dont tell her that i email my friend often

i dont think i need to
take care

adventuredude

wow - thanks to all of you! I haven't done this before and was worried people would just take the piss out of me.
The reason I posted my problem is that I didn't want to be the insecure naggy girlfriend who doesn't let her boyfriend have any friends or makes him report in on everything. But at the same time I have been feeling insecure and just didn't know how to approach the situation.
I think all of you are right in saying the problem is with our relationship rather than with his/our friends. I do trust him - If I'm honest then I guess I resent him paying her attention when I feel neglected. He was never exactly mister romance but I think he could make more of an effort not to hurt my feelings. And I know I have to talk to him about it.
In relation to the emails - I take the point that men and women are different and that he's probably either trying to save my feelings or doesn't see it as a big deal (probably a combination of both).
So I guess the thing is for me to tell him to tone down the slagging, and make more of an effort during the week, (rather than just crashing at my place at the weekend) hope he responds well - and then try and be less sensitive! (easier said then done?!)
I really appreciate the feedback from all of you. Thanks Quantum for the article - I never knew such information existed!