feelings for internet friend

Belladonna

First let me say that I have a very happy and normal life outside the internet. I have a great job, great friends and a great boyfriend. That being said, I do have something that has been on my mind for a while now and I wondered if I was alone in this situation.
About a year ago I met "Thomas" online while researching an interest that lead to a discussion forum. We shared a common interest and started PMing back and forth and before we knew it realized that we had quite a few things in common. "Thomas" also has a full and happy life and so it's not as if we became obsessed with each other or let our time spent online effect our real lives. It's just that I have grown very close to someone who I never have met in person, nor intend to ever meet. We live a large distance apart and I think that if I were a man we might have met up before now, but since I'm a woman (and we are both in relationships) we set boundaries up to prevent complications.
What bothers me is that I find myself thinking about him sometimes while I am going about my day. Random things will remind me of him and when I think of him I get a nice warm feeling inside. I don't think our friendship is in anyway cheating on either of our partners because we never have talked about anything sexual or acted in anyway other than we might with a same sex friend. In fact if he was a woman and lived closer to me I'm sure we would already be best friends. When he gets busy and I don't hear from him for a while I get lonely for him.
Has anyone else felt this way or am I alone in this situation

Talliesin

Reading this, I'm wondering if you have any male platonic friends at all and if that's where your worries are?

Greazo

Belladonna unfortunately ive just split with my ex but we also met online and ended up going out for over a year,its not like years ago when it was considered weird behaviour to met someone online,,,thesedays its quite normal and many people meet their partners online..i hope it works out for you anyway

Kevin_rc_ie

there's no such thing as platonic friends of the opposite sex.

Belladonna

I don't know what you mean?
I have a few platonic friends, but they are more along the lines of my friend's bf's, not anyone I would really seek out to do anything with unless they were there as well.

Belladonna

Sorry, the above reply was for Talliesin.

Kevin-I've run into that before. That's why I am wondering if this is normal or if anyone else has this kind of relationship.

Greazo

Kevin_rc_ie wrote:

there's no such thing as platonic friends of the opposite sex.

Thats a crock of s**t,i have many female friends who i have been friends with over 10 years,and nothing sexual in it :rolleyes:

Larianne

Hey Bella,

I understand you. I met a guy on the internet nearly 3 years ago. We just clicked the minute we started talking. I gave him my number that first time we met on the net (only time ever) and have been texting and emailing and messaging each other ever since.

I never really saw it as anything more than friends. We'd always tell each other about our lives, nights out etc and I'd ask him about guys etc. coz I can't work them out! I think at the start that maybe he saw something more happening but I didn't want that. But it's only in the last 6 months that I think I've fallen for him. Think about him a lot etc. I've only ever met him 6 or 7 times in the last 3 years but 4 of them have been more recent.

I thought we would always just be friends and I never thought I'd fall for him but I seem to have. I think that if you do meet up with him something could happen. There's too much at risk if you ask me! In my case, I think 'my friend' has noticed that I like him and he doesn't text as often. We use to text everyday!!

If you are worried about meeting up with him, it'll be fine! Loadsa ppl meet off the net. I happen to meet 'my friend' by chance on the train to Galway. ( I thought it was fate! ) But I think, if you think you might have stronger feelings for him maybe it's better that you don't meet... Could cause problems with you both having partners.

Talliesin

Kevin_rc_ie wrote:

there's no such thing as platonic friends of the opposite sex.

Ah, you heterosexuals get so messed up sometimes :rolleyes:

Belladonna wrote:

I have a few platonic friends, but they are more along the lines of my friend's bf's, not anyone I would really seek out to do anything with unless they were there as well.

Well, now it looks like you have a platonic male friend that is more than a friend's bf and you want it to stay platonic. In which case great, friends are important and good friends are to be cherished.

Or I could be reading your post wrong and you've fallen for him in which case you've a problem as to where things stand, but it's not worth getting into that until you clarify if that was what you meant.

Or it could be that it's platonic but there's an element of sexual attraction, in which case great too. If it's not so strong that you start going out of your nut because you really want to bring things further then just let that be part of what you enjoy about him, no different to finding a talented actor or singer etc. attractive - it adds to your appreciation but you don't base your romantic lifestyle on that attraction.

Belladonna

Talliesin- I think your last sentence hits the nail on the head! There is an element of sexual attraction that I feel towards him. I just wish I didn't, that's all. I like him too much to mess it up by telling him so I never will. And I think if I really met him he might not be what I have imagined in my mind and then it will be hard to return to the unique relationship we have now. I just wish I would stop thinking about him because it's a distraction and it makes me feel a bit guilty tbh.

Esel

If you found out that "Thomas" was actually a woman, would you go ahead and meet?

Talliesin

Okay. First off don't tell him unless you get the impression that he'd be okay with that (if you have the sort of relationship where talking about romantic matters is okay and such a conversation gives you this impression) and even then be cautious. It could be a great thing in your relationship, but that depends on how both of you feel about it and clearly you aren't completely comfortable with it yourself yet, never mind him.

Now, really your problem comes down to having a degree of sexual attraction to someone that you don't want to have a relationship with. Earlier I compared this to finding celebrities attractive. Okay, so with celebrities there's the fact that you don't even have any contact with them so even if you wanted it wouldn't go anywhere. At the same time though, people can appreciate how attractive celebrities are without becoming totally overcome with passion. I mean I can watch the "Lord of the Rings" films all the way through to the end and it has Liv Tylor and Viggo Mortensen in them, as a couple Mmmmm.

Yeah, I'm being a bit silly, but it isn't a million miles away. You've formed a relationship with a man that is important to you. You go for men, so naturally enough your fondness for him is getting mingled in with your sexuality and there is an erotic aspect to you feelings for him. At the same time you aren't a slave to your hormones; since you're happy being monogamous and he's happy being monogamous then so as long as the feelings aren't so strong as to make you want to bring it further just enjoy that attraction the same way I can enjoy Liv and Viggo.

Belladonna wrote:

I just wish I would stop thinking about him because it's a distraction and it makes me feel a bit guilty tbh.

Well, you've nothing to feel guilty about though telling people they've nothing to feel guilty about doesn't really work

Okay, being distracted is a bad thing. Having a friendship that is important enough that you think of your friends from time to time is a good thing though, and really the distraction is probably as much because you haven't integrated the feelings you have for him yet.

Meeting him would probably be a bad idea until you're a bit more comfortable with this, but after you've adjusted a bit then I'd say go for it. After that you may find him more or less attractive, or you may find that you don't get on quite as well face to face, in which case just enjoy the 'net relationship.

You are not caught between this man having to be everything to you or nothing to you. Let him be what he is to you and be thankful for friendships, they're one of the most important things in life.

Kevin_rc_ie

I personally think you should meet him. And if he's ugly, you'll lose interest in him soon enough and it he's a hunk you'll fall for him and ditch the other guy.

Belladonna

Wow! Lots of great advice here, thanks so much
Right-about the questions. If I found out "Thomas" was a woman I guess I feel betrayed because of the lie. But once I got over that, yes I would meet her. I have female friends that I feel very close to and love as friends. That's how I feel about "Thomas" except just recently he has started to be more on my mind than just a friend.
That's where the guilt part comes into it. Because I know for a fact that if my boyfriend started having a relationship like that with a woman I would feel hurt. And what I have with Thomas does not have anything to do with the relationship I have with my bf. It's not like I have anything missing that I am seeking out because something is missing with him. It's just an added emotion that speaks to a part of me that has been touched on by this bond I feel with someone I've never met .
I like the comparison to the celebrities, Talliesin. That's very insightful and I think it may be the safe thing. It's "safe" to be attracted to him because I now I will never meet him.
I have thought about just biting the bullet and meeting up, but then I have thought it through and realized that I couldn't do that as long as I'm in a serious relationship with someone else. I think maybe that's where the line is drawn between fantasy and reality.

Talliesin

Belladonna wrote:

It's "safe" to be attracted to him because I now I will never meet him.

Right now yes. Maybe at some point in the future it would be "safe" to meet him, because you'll be more comfortable with that element of attraction and able to deal with it without needing to take it further, but I don't think that will be soon.

WhiteWashMan

people are a lot more open and honest on the internet. the anonymity afforded allows us to say things that we wouldnt normally say to people.
i think what you have is similar to so many people. i have had many of the same experiences myself. its almost like therapy, in that we can discuss our day, dioscuss our feelings without the fear of really getting hurt.

if this was in a social setting, say in a pub, youd probably say you were falling in love with him, becuase youa re both being very open.

its not a bad thing. in fact, cherish it, enjoy it and use it. i wouldnt consider interrupting your day to day life though and eloping with him though, becuase you will find out that dispite the fact that you have many things in common, he probably has a bunch of things that you also hate, and these dont come across on the net so well

wouldnt worry about it at all.