do i force the issue

LegacyUser

i like a girl, ive known her since we were kids(well im a few years older) and after recently spending time with her(a group not just one on one...) i think she might have found out i fancy her. Well she half knew during that time i think and things were a little awkward-in the way of her not being too impressed with it, I felt like a weirdo and just want to end any rumour of me liking her, give it some time and if in a few months/years i still like her try again, but then she'll b taken probably, aw what am i to do. do i say feck it and try to find out, maybe ruining the relationship or do i let it go, and keep walking the empty path. I suppose what im trying to say, well being honest i dont know what im trying to say I feel muddled and childish, should i ask the rumour mill if theres any hope, or should i both feet plunge. you see theres an issue of age too, maybe around 5 years, whats weird is we do have alot in common though, aw man help me out here is there any suttle way when it comes to rejection?

maybe i just need a good slap accross the face.

hardCopy

I'd steer clear of the rumour-mill option, most mutual friends will probably try to encourage you without paying much attention to real facts in the hope of seeing friends get together. I'd say just ask her, worst case scenario she says no and at least you can move on.

If you're worried about ruining the relationship you just need to decide if you really want a platonic relationship or if you're really only settling for this because you can't have more. Just my 2 cents based on my own experience.

If you really like her the potential rewards far outweigh the risks! Just don't be too serious too quick as you've obviously had time to think about the whole idea but she may not have thought about it for as long.

seamus

hardCopy wrote:

If you're worried about ruining the relationship you just need to decide if you really want a platonic relationship or if you're really only settling for this because you can't have more. Just my 2 cents based on my own experience.

/nods

Ultimately, there are three outcomes:

1. You tell her, she reciprocates, happy days
2. You tell her, she doesn't feel the same, things get weird, your friendship is strong enough that it eventually recovers
3. You tell her, she doesn't feel the same, things get weird, and your friendship goes down the pan.

So you have 2 out of three chances of coming out of it happy. Even then, you may be better off losing her as a friend rather than torturing yourself until it all blows up in your face as you watch her go off with someone else.

LegacyUser

u see theres alot on the line as she is a sister of a good friend, and I know her family very well, and also friends with alot of people I know. Deep down I think shes maybe a bit too good for me. Outta my league maybe. To be honest I think the risk involved for me is too much. Rather than fall head over heels I think I will take it on the chin(heart?!) and forget about love for a while. The thing is how many years of rejection can you take... Im such a sad individual!!
Well another thing is Im a pretty depressed individual(well i may as well be totally honest as noone will know my identity)for the past 9 years, love, acceptance and suicide are the thoughts that pre occupy me all day. Whilst I do get sex, it never means anything, I rarely like the girl, and cumming is a serious hassle, when it works that is. Does this depression and longing just make me completely desperate? Am I setting my standards too high? Usually I will get friendly with a girl and then after a while start to feel sexually attracted to her. Then the trouble starts. Maybe this is just another case of that except multiplied. Is there an easy answer to it! Why am I always analysing situations too much to a point where they offer no answers!!!!

nesf

estranged2008 wrote:

Well another thing is Im a pretty depressed individual(well i may as well be totally honest as noone will know my identity)for the past 9 years, love, acceptance and suicide are the thoughts that pre occupy me all day. Whilst I do get sex, it never means anything, I rarely like the girl, and cumming is a serious hassle, when it works that is.

From personal experience:

Sort yourself out first. Then look at being in a relationship.

If you are as you described then you should be trying to help yourself and not get under some random woman. Do you honestly want to be with her when you are in such a state??


Bluntly, get your priorities straight, see a shrink, get your head sorted and when you're back on both feet and your head is clear, only then look for a relationship.

During one of my worst patches I abstained for a year, I was just sick of being with women and not being able to risk a relationship with them because of how ****ed in the head I was.

I took time out and sorted my head. Now I'm thinking clearly and am happy.

Now I'm looking around with a view to maybe trying out a relationship.


But there was no way I'd put anyone through being with me when I was "down". It just wouldn't be fair on them or me.

Emotional commitment and head problems do not make happy bedfellows.


Just to reiterate.


Get yourself to a better place mentally and then only after your happy with yourself again should you be worrying about possible relationships.

If you've been this way for 9 years then you should have realised quite some time ago that you needed to help yourself. I shouldn't be needing to tell you that.

LegacyUser

thanks a mil for the words. You would think after 9 years I'd be better off or know what to do and I have tried, but I always get dragged back under by having too much of a good time when im out with the lads. Ive always looked for acceptance and approval from other other people, which has screwed my mind into complete dependance on involvement, and if not, depressed hermitsville. Alcohol and drugs have played a huge part, I become almost a multiplied by 10 mischievous child when fecked, very clingy, emotionally mostly, and the hangovers are a total nightmare, pain for the first day then 3 or 4 days of sweats, but moreso a feeling of nothingness, a type of guilt, a complete feeling of pointlessness, I walk around with tears in my eyes from knowing the end, and also cos I've no partner, aw its hell.
As you say though, why would I want to push all of this on to a loved one, what sort of a nightmare would I have on my hands if I was unable to perform with her first time round...Its funny I always wanted a girlfriend to be able to help me unravel the barbed wire on my brain, but its true, the relationship would be boring. Friends are supposed to talk about this kinda **** with you. Lads I do find this all super, dont know where I'd be without boards to be honest, with some of the lies and inaccuracies that have plagued me. Thanks again.

Ruhan

Accept yourself first. You have close mates, you don't need their acceptance, they've already provided it.



Sort your head out before trying to get into a relationship, otherwise you'll be questioning every little thing that happens.

Victor

estranged2008 wrote:

Alcohol and drugs have played a huge part, I become almost a multiplied by 10 mischievous child when fecked, very clingy, emotionally mostly, and the hangovers are a total nightmare, pain for the first day then 3 or 4 days of sweats, but moreso a feeling of nothingness, a type of guilt, a complete feeling of pointlessness ...

Alcohol is a depresent, avoid it and especially avoid it when on medication (alcohol can block a lot of medication, maybe this is why you feel so bad afterwards).

I say find a moment when your head is clear, you two are alone and ask her to the cinema or something.

She is not above you. She is not better than you. There is no such thing as a bad person (people may however do bad things )