Long Term Relationship coming to an end?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have been in a long term relationship with my gf for 5 years now. I'm 24 and she is 23. We have had a very close and loving relaitonship over the 5 years and been through alot together(deaths, war zones, family chaos, you name it).
As things were looking up and progressing after some serious conversations with her on our future and where we saw ourselfs together I popped the question 9 months ago and she said YES!!!
Problems began soon afterward. We did not intend on getting married for sometime(3-5 yrs) but wanted to use engagement as a statment of purpose for our relationship(ref. previous confersation prior to popping q). We found an excellent place to move into and paid the deposit on the year lease and everything. My financee then 2 days before we were to move in found an excuse not to. It was unimportant what the excuse was as it was somewhat trivial but seemed beliefible at the time. As time progressed for then our relationship started to get somewhat 'lost'. I use the word lost as I can;t really come up with any other word that suits. We weren't necessarily drifting apart. Something just felt wrong. We talked about what we preseved to be the problems on several occasions and tried to work around them.

Things came to a head about 2 months ago at a family do. Afterward she was very cold with me and when we got back to her place sprang that she wanted me to go back to my place. This is unusual and has never happened before in our 5 year relationship. Keeping in mind its 1am and I live 30 miles from her place. You can come on and tell me about time out but this was completely new from someone I have known intimitly for half a decade. Of course I obliged but the next day she wanted us to take an extended period apart. The thing is she did not want to define how long this period would last. Accepting that it would probably be a month I left it at that. A day or two later I got in contact with her and wanted a sort of chat before the extended period to iron out things like how long and why she felt she needed the time apart.
We agreed on a month but no concrete re meeting date and she told me it was about her own issues and not to do with our relationship... Worried, I agreed to the time apart recognising that something has to change or its over anyway. The problem is I don't think we can heal a realtionship apart for a month with no firm committment to meeting up again.
To be honest I feel like I'm been dumped extremely slowly.

I was talking to my brother there last week about it all and he mentioned something she said to him at the family do in question when this process began.
He asked her "how is it being engaged"
and she said "its strange as I haven't committed to any thing in my life before"

now this is true. She has never finished her studies(tried 3-4 times). She has jumped from job to job. To be blunt she is very lost and most of this rests with issues with her parents that may never be concluded. With in our relationship she didn't really committ to future plans until about our 4th year together. She backed out of us getting our own place for the most trivial of reasons even though we both already live alone(not in our family homes).


I'm really frustrated and confused. I still love her very much and want things to work. Last time I talked to her(2 weeks ago) she said she love me (in the same way) but wouldn't answer about wanting it to work or thinking it was too late. I feel that she was being honest about loving me so but the reason for the no committment on the relationship stem from her history of non-committment.
I don't know what to do. Is it possible I can help her get over her fear of committment as we are in a very long term place now and committment is ineffitible after a period of time?

I have come to terms that in 2 weeks when we meet she will probably want to end it there. But I don't want to sit back and jus tlet it die. We have too much to lose and I feel that 2 things are wrong. Both solvable.

1. Our relationship was in a rut after we got engaged and needed to change. Moving on and doing some growing up was what was needed and she constantly fears this because of committment issues.
2. Anything I say to her of a critical level is completely discounted and for a long time I felt like I was the problem. After taking some time out I realise this isn;t the case. How do I tell her how I feel and see the situation with out her just ignoring me and fecking off into the sun set as she has done so many times before(school, college, jobs, parents, close friends etc etc)
.

mad m

This happened to a work mate in job,he was like yourself very concerned about the whole thing and his future with his girlfriend.

But no matter what advice he was given he always did the opposite.I told him to leave her alone and she will probably realise she made a mistake.You are better off leaving her alone when someone is like this. I know you've stayed away for two weeks now but leave it alone for another while.

She is probably just in a panic about the whole relationship,as you said she doesnt finish anything.She probably wants to make sure in her own head that this is forever.Committing to a relationship is a big thing and she probably got scared.

Not many marriages are lasting these days,another fella i work with his sister turned up on door step saying her husband doesnt want to be with her after 30 years of marriage.Relationships are hard and marriage can be harder at the best of times.

Just leave her be for now,bide&bite you're tongue for now.

Goodluck

Einstein

I was in the very same position when i was that 23. I had been with a girl for 5 years, things were great, loved up to the nines, spoke of marriage, then BANG! I realised that I just simply wasn't happy. Nothing to do with the GF, I still loved the girl, but just didn't want to be committed to someone that seriously so young.
Yeah yeah people will say age doesn't matter, my parents got married when they were 20 or something crazy like that. But times really have changed. I'm relly glad that I broke up with her, as hard as it was, it really was worth it.

I'm really not trying to be negative, just want to share some info from a situation similar to yours. Give it a little time, this is the problem with love, something that makes you feel so good can also make you feel awful. Give it some time...if she really wants to marry you, she'll be back before you know it!

Best of luck

D

vibe666

it sounds like she has a lot of issues to work out in her own mind. i'd say her problem is with herself not with you tbh from what you've said.

give her some time and space, but let her know that you're ready to do what it takes to help her through this and that you're her friend above all else. it might be hard, but if you push her to make a decision it will most likely not go your way. just let her know that if she needs you as a friend or a partner that you'll be there for her.

ziggy

This post has been deleted.

Beruthiel

no contact at all
it's the only way she will miss you
after that, it's up to her, either way, you cannot make her come back
try and keep yourself busy for the next few weeks.

Kell

Beruthiel wrote:

no contact at all
it's the only way she will miss you
after that, it's up to her, either way, you cannot make her come back
try and keep yourself busy for the next few weeks.

Or, you could shag someone else and claim a lá Ross "We were on a break".

But seriously- I was in the sad sorry same situation as yourself about ooh, three years ago, except it was me doing the breaking up. Irrelevant of the reason, if there is a good time to move on to find someone who really is EVERYTHING you want, then its now and not after you have had the wedding and the cake and the kids.

You mentioned that she has no commitment to anything. The fact of mentioning it implies that it is in some small way an issue for you. The only advice that I can give is to move on now and find someone who is everything to you as opposed to someone who is not quite on the same playing field. It'll hurt like fúck, but you'll be better off for it long term.

K-

BeardyGit

I'm pretty sure this won't help but it sounds like you're getting the brush off. Terrible I know - Even worse than just being dumped I'd imagine, particularly after quite some time with her. Don't worry about it - Here's a list of things you can do to help make this time easier for you to get through:

1. Don't call her
2. Don't text her
3. Don't email her
4. Ignore her calls
5. Delete her voicemails
6. Set up an email rule to dump her patronising "How are you?" email into the trash
7. Tell your family she cheated on you with your dog/cat/horse and that under no circumstances is her name to be mentioned again - EVER.
8. Practice ignoring people you know so when you meet her in the street someday you can act like she never existed.
9. Sleep with one of her friends - Just to really hammer home the message that you're really bitter about how you've been treated. Hell, you're a man - If she's expecting you to be nice when you're dumped she's in need of professional help.
10. Under no circumstances should you ever get back with her - Unless it's on your short-terms, you're drunk and horny, she's paying for the curry & taxi and you have a pre-printed form style "You're dumped" note to leave on her fridge the next morning....

Ah hell, you might as well laugh man....

PullMyFinger!

Er I take it you're not a big fan of women Gil?


As Beruth says - ignore. It really is the only way to get her back (just dont do what I did and then lose her again :rolleyes: )


It sounds like she's in a panic over the engagment. Drunken hinting at proposals and saying "Im going to marry you some day" during pillow talk is a magical part of a long term reletionship. But then reality sets in and, for some, serious nerves.


You say her parents had problems. Do they constantly fight or take "breaks"?

LegacyUser

She has problems with her parents. Its nothing to do with our relationship. Its just the usual disfunction but multiplied by about 100 including some suicide and such. The details are not important. Essentially She needs to do one of two things in relation to her parents.
1. Talk to them again
2. Totally cut off links

I think 1 is the best option but for the last 4 years she has been pretty much smack in the middle of the two options.

Ignoring her is fine and good but in the end I want to help her even if it means that we are finished as a couple. I fear she will just continue this pattern for the rest of her life. As long as I have known her she has always been in a close relationship with a man or woman. Basically she is a serial monogoumist who lasted extra long with me. I can see parallels with another tread here.

This isn't just a fight. Its serious. Its a make or break. We have never done this before and any fight we have before is just trivial. We have hit bad points in our relationship in the past, nothing too serious but conflict isn't alien is what i'm trying to get at.

Essentially we are two very different people who get on really well, at least we used to.

I thank you all for the kind advice but I am currently ignoring her and yes Gil i did get teh text message (How are you lark). I probably won't see her for a while as I do want to make some time for myself and to get all my thoughs absolutely clear. In a month or so I might see her again and try and solve this mess one way or another. The thing is I don't want to wait too long. SHe is a strong woman and doesn't get lonely easily. Its not going to be a case where if I ignore her another week or two that she will be on to me begging for me to come back etc.

Essentially her lack of committment is beyond normal 20-something barriers. Argubly she is much much more mature than I but her inability to commit is strange and would be out of character if those close to her identified it also.

PullMyFinger!

Are things any better LT?