Two Jokes for you :)

kjt

Drunk Push

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing

in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those

two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed

of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Patients

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie - what
are you doing?"Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to
Melbourne!"The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The
next day thenurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary carand she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room , and then goes across the hall into
another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?"
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shag*ing Charlie's wife while he's in
Melbourne".

rugbug86

that second one is good, hadnt heard it before!

petes

I liked the first. Been ages since I heard that.

TerrorFirmer

Lol haven't heard either before, both pretty funny