Engagement, Marriage.... ugh.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years, am happy in it. He has started to talk about engagement, marriage etc., but I just don't feel I ready for it. I'd like it eventually, but I'm only in my early twenties, and I'm worried about rushing into such a huge commitment at a young age. Also, I've found myself sometimes wistful and wondering if I am just settling for Mr. Good Enough instead of someone better .... I've met a guy at work now, have been working with him for almost a year, and whilst nothing is going to happen with him as I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I find myself shamedly wishing sometimes that I was single, that I could play the field a little. This guy at work is actually very similar to my boyfriend in a lot of ways, has similar interests, values, beliefs, and I know that if I were single that something could easily have happened. At a team night out in February, we we had a heart to heart and he told me it was a real shame I was single ... It wasn't until he said that that these nostalgic singledom thoughts really intensified. Still and all though, nothing is going to happen there.

I think that if I bring up my worries about marriage too soon, my boyfriend will take it the wrong way and be awfully hurt, and more than anything I really don't want that. At heart, he is a traditional sort of guy, but hes sensitive too and I think that his feelings (or at the very least his pride) would be really hurt, but I need to set him straight on this in as gentle a way as I can.

I'm certainly not going to be mentioning to him that I sometimes wish I was single, that theres a part of me that yearns for that old life that I had, but I'm worried that what is currently a little whisper in my head will turn into a deafening roar...

Anyone got any advice at least on how to broach the marriage issue without hurting him?

Ruhan

Quick bit of advise regarding marriage:

Be sure, or be sorry.


Definately talk to him regarding your feelings. If you're not ready, you're not ready. If you feel that one day you do want to marry him, tell him that, assure him that it's something that may well happen, just not now.

If you don't want to get married, especially to him, tell him that also.

If you don't talk up now, one of you is going to be miserable in the future.

seamus

Clarify with your boyfriend. It's quite possible he's talking about marriage and engagment, but has no intention of actually asking you any time soon. Say it out straight - "There's no way in hell I'm getting married yet, I'm too young". If he asks you and you say no, he'll be heartbroken. If you tell him before he has a chance to ask you, he won't be so taken aback.

Myself and my gf have talked about all that marriage, houses, babies, crap many many times (quite often when drunk ), and despite me telling one of her mates (While I was hammered*) "If she was back in Dublin, I'd marry her right now", I wouldn't. Neither of us have the desire to move to that place until a) we can afford it, and b) We're happy enough that we've done the things we want to do that marriage would otherwise make difficult. Although I've every intention of marrying her, the keyword is *eventually*.

Talk to him straight, don't let yourself get freaked out.

*The shame

leggo

If you can't see yourself marrying this guy happily one day, you're with the wrong guy (and I say the same for every relationship, even if it's on the first date you should still have the feeling that "maybe this is the one" or it's not).

Otherwise, it's quite feasible that these doubts are only induced by him over-reaching his boundaries in terms of commitment. There's nothing wrong with being nervous at the spectre of getting married, it represents the absolute END of any potential singles career (well...should...) or ANY relationship with anyone else. If you'd never thought that through before this guy mentioned it, yeah of course you should be afraid, you just never considered that THIS is the one you marry.

What you need to do is think like a mother****er about some questions and get back to him. Do you see yourself marrying him one day or are you just in denial that you don't love him for fear of hurting his feelings? Is it that you're not willing or ready? Is your urge to see other people just jitters or true? If true, do you enjoy the idea of that more than settling down with your current?

Be honest with yourself, THEN talk to him and tell him your honest feelings, whether the truth hurts or not.

smileygal

Is there an age gap?

Kinetic^

I don't see the point in marriage,if you're with someone,you don't need a ring to put some sort of seal on it.

simu

Just make it clear you wouldn't even consider marriage until whatever age you wouldn't consider marriage until!

Einstein

you said that you're in your early twenties and fancy some time to play the field.
Your answer is right there. Do it, i was with someone for 5 years from when I was 18. Enjoyed it at the time, but when I broke up with her, i regretted spending all those years with one person at such an early age.

Dave

fightin irish

The little whisper usually turns into a massive roar, Well in my lifetime it did, Funny thing is my GF of 7 years at the time finished it :eek: :eek: outta the blue(how life can be so brutal at times)

Any ways we led the single life again for 6-8 months, She HATED IT, and loved it, Me, Well i just ended up with loads more money on the weekends and had to deal with the freaky experience of friends coming clean and saying ''Ive fancied you for ages'' It wiered me out a bit. Anyways we met up again for some reason and ended up giving it another go(remember we both had little whispers that turned into roars) Within 4 months we had bought a house and 3 yrs later were gettin married(in sept).

I think the point im making is you will never know until you do something about it, You have to be true to YOURSELF, If you do end up splitting up and getting back even stronger then you've done the right thing, if you dont get back, Thats also the right thing. I always believe in the old saying ''Whats men't to be will be''.

So goodluck in your decision. Dam i never written a post this long before :rolleyes:

KlodaX

I think marraige is totally out of the question considering you are looking elsewhere! You should tell your boyfriend that you are looking else where and why you are, whatever it is you are looking for in the single life he may be able to provide ... I know that sounds odd .... what I'm trying to say is get some space, don't see him as often for a while ... but don't see anyone else! Go on dates with him ... meet up and pretend you are strangers in a bar!

WhiteWashMan

well, if you cant talk to him without the need for advice froma bullitan board, then your relationshiup is certainly not up to the strength needed to go tot he next step.

if he is looking at marriage, and you are looking elsewhere, my own thinking is that you should call it a day and stop wasting your time, and more importantly his.
unless youa re actually going to go ful ltilt into the relationship and give it your all, dont bother pretending.