ME: 16, living in Rural Ireland.......

LegacyUser

Well, I can't sum myself up better than that. Oh, I am Gay, just in case you were wondering.

I posted here a couple of months ago now, and I was 15 then. Got a lot of people telling me to wait longer. Well, about 6 months later and I'm now more sure than ever I'm gay.

But, kinda hit a wall here: What do I do now? I'm so sure I'm gay, but I'm unsure on when/how or even who to come out to? I'm still in secondary school(doing my JC next month)so I still think I'd be safe to not be openly gay yet. But yet, that's the thing: I hate keeping it inside of me.

My family probably don't know, only my best friend knows(I came out to him and he was ok with it) but I was wondering do any of ye have advice for me?

newgrange

Contact Belong2.

http://www.belongto.org/

memphis

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable/happy, if your not ready to come out just yet (which from your post I gather yor not) then wait til the time is right.

I'm nearly 24 and bi-curious, I'm not yet open to my family and relations, though a few of my mates know. In fact i'm probably more straight that bi if that makes sense.

Anyway, the point I'm tyring to make is just go with the flow, enjoy yur life, and your sexuality.... if down the line you feel the need to tell your family do so. Until then I suggest you experiment a little more until you are comfortable yourself with your sexuality, accepting yourself, that you are gay/bi is the first step.

Hmm_Messiah

so I still think I'd be safe to not be openly gay yet. But yet, that's the thing: I hate keeping it inside of me. My family probably don't know, only my best friend knows(I came out to him and he was ok with it)

Memphis makes alot of sense. And Belong2 definitely sounds like a place to start.

I worry about you hating keeping it inside of you. Sometime it may well be something you are proud of, as a part of you, and then it's something you may feel a need to be open about.

but open is not equal to honest.

If I am reading you wrong forgive me, but there is no need to feel guilty or think you are dishonest not being "out" to yur family especially. Sexuality is a complicated thing for every one Straight, Gay or anything else. It belongs to YOU only! .
You need to be comfortble with everything it means about you and your life. Until that time you are not being dishonest with any one; you are simply taking care of you (and your family in some way) until you are ready for what it means to tell some one you are gay.

Even when you are comfortable with it there is no need to be "out", you need to do only what you are comfortable with. There is a joy, a sense of release telling people about you (being gay is a bit of you) but its not for every one (No one here can know the exact life you live and the circumstances you face)

Try and enjoy the feelings and experiences ahead of you. Who ever you are is a remarkable person that needs to apologise for nothing; at the same time your first responsibility is to YOU YOU YOU. Do what is healthy and wise for your head.

It's good that you have told someone and that the reaction was good. In a way you have told people here too. Congrats on the journey so far. But try to remember it's about who you are as a person, its a part of you, and one you can take as long as you like feeling comfortable with. Eventually feeling good about.

Being in Rural Ireland can be tough; hopefully thro belongto, or other resources online etc, inc. boards, you'll feel less isolated. take care


Know Peace

Boston

What is it you want to do? Do you actually have a desire to tell everybody, or is it a case you want to do all the things your friends are up to except with the same sex. You'll get allot of people saying they know what you're going through, but I don't know how much truth there is in that. Personally I can't imagine the torment of knowing at your age and having to keep quiet about it. Belongto seems like a good place to start, apart from that I don't know how helpful any of us can be,.

snappieT

I made the mistake of telling everyone. Litreally everyone. I mean it was water-cooler talk in the teacher's lounge kind of thing.

People just thought I was seeking attention. Now, over a year on, people are finally copping on that I have a same-sex partner.

At your age, you may be mature, others may not. I know the immaturity of classmates has transferred into threats that if I was ever seen doing as much as holding hands with my bf, my face would be kicked in.

Suggesting you come out to your best friends, whom you can trust, and perhaps one parent. Thats how I started. Don't go further, yet. (Of course this is assuming you are ready to come out at all)

BIteen

well i am bi and i came out to my friends about and if you have the right ones they would not really care. But i honestly think u should wait a while until u tell your parents.

sarahpie

this is the year for gayness ! seriously ... ha i was sittin in mc donalds with a group of friends 2 were gay 2 lesbians 1 bi 1 straight and then me the confused if u will

voo-doo-wop

I really don't know what point i'm making, BUT, straight folk don't feel the need to come out of their collective closets! If you do start meeting other guys for "more" you shouldn't feel guilty of your own thoughts/feelings. Love will conquer all barriers, though it is a pricklier issue. What is worse your parents reaction OR living in fear of that reaction and conducting your life i secret.

Enigma365

I knew I was gay all thru secondary school but didnt come out until I was in college(am still in college). I grew up in semi-rural Ireland - Sligo town.

Looking back, I realise that my good friends would probably have been OK with me telling them, but back then I wouldn't have dared as I expected the worst possible reactions.

I know what its like to be 16 and not be out to anyone and it does suck majorly. I would definetely recommend that you do something as there is nothing to gained from keeping it held in. I would strongly urge you to do it gradually though and only tell your friends one at a time. Also only tell people whom you trust to keep it to themselves, especially to start with.

BTW, in my opinion, the people who told you to "wait longer" when you first came here were giving you bad advice. Older(esp straight) people have the mistaken idea that when you are 15 you are confused and don't really know what you want. If you have strong feelings towards guys and not towards girls, at age 15, then these feelings are only going to get stronger and are absolutely not going to change or go away. Telling people to wait longer in such situations is somewhat pointless.

Hmm_Messiah

Enigma365 wrote:

If you have strong feelings towards guys and not towards girls, at age 15, then these feelings are only going to get stronger and are absolutely not going to change or go away. Sexual orientation is fixed long before the age of 15.

IMO this is a wide generalisation, and not sure if it is even true. I think its an unwise thing to tell any teenager. Sexuality/orientation can be fixed or fluid,it can be heterosexual, homosexual, or somewhere in between both. A 15 yr old guy will be battling his hormones as well as everything else happening at that time in his life; what he responses to sexually, even strongly, might not be what he responses to, or responds more fully too later. Many heterosexual guys have "gay" thoughts, impulses and experiences in their teens.

I just think its misleading an unhelpful to tell some one who might be struggling with their feelings/desires that this is fixed and unchanging.

Enigma365

A 15 yr old guy will be battling his hormones .. Many heterosexual guys have "gay" thoughts, impulses and experiences in their teens.

I just think its misleading an unhelpful to tell some one who might be struggling with their feelings/desires that this is fixed and unchanging.

Well my advice was coming more from the point of view of remembering clearly how I felt when I was 15/16(im now 21). I just think as people get older, they forget what its like to be a teenager. I know what its like to be 16 and to be gay and I was certainly very clear on what I was feeling and was not at all "confused".

Anyone who had told me I might just be "confused" or "battling hormones", would have been giving me bad and to be honest, patronising advice.

Of course not everyone is like me. However I was certain at age 16 and this guy says he is certain. I think if you are certain that you are gay, especially at age 15+, then you are.

If someone thinks they might be gay but they arnt sure, then of course I wouldnt give them the same advice as I gave this guy.

damien

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

I just think its misleading an unhelpful to tell some one who might be struggling with their feelings/desires that this is fixed and unchanging.

I agree telling someone to commit to one sexuality is a bad idea, this can be said for someone at any age though. Hormones have nothing massively to do with it in my opinion. 15 year olds want to have sex every 4 nanoseconds and well it doesn't slow down for most guys as they get older.

Some know they're gay from an early early age and when they become self-aware at 13 or 14 or 15 then it's good if someone respects what they say besides giving them a lecture about waiting another while. Just because some people were unsure or even unaware of their sexuality in their teens or 20s or even 30s doesn't mean those that came to the realisation sooner must wait.

What needs to be done for the kids that come out early though is to have adequate protection mechanisms so they can explore and learn about their sexuality without coming to harm because as all us forum regulars know there are people around who will ty and take advantage of innocent kids. Perhaps if we did respect the kids sexuality more and helped them deal with it besides telling them to stay frustrated in the closet or that they're too young, then there's be less chance of predators taking advantage of their feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Boston

I’d just like to say first it’s impossible to reply to these threads without putting a personal slant on things. I think the point that people telling him to wait where trying to make was illustrated by snappieT. There really is no half measures with coming out. Even if you only tell a hand full of people you’re gay, it has a habit of spiraling and everyone knows. And people are fairly unforgiving of how you come out to them, like being gay makes you an expert or something, and you’re not going to **** up.

Once out I felt this huge pressure to be locked into a particular sexuality, and from there it just kind of spiraled, never a chance to think. My boyfriend seems to have avoided this, I haven’t. Friend trouble, family trouble, and all the rest came down the lines later.

I think this is the point people are making, that coming out and coming to terms with your sexuality is tough, confusing and allot of stress. I don’t doubt how you feel about you’re sexuality, four of my gay/bi friends knew at an age allot earlier then you what they where. I think there’s a fear that a 16 year old can’t handle it though. Personally, this 20 year old finds it hard to handle sometimes, so what’s the bloody difference. You’re going to get crap reactions no matter what age you come out at, it’ aint going to be easy that’s a given. 4 year isn’t going to teach you how to be at ease with your sexuality if it’s four year of keeping inside yourself.

Be aware of the risks involved, be aware of the benefits. Be aware of your own strength and ability, be aware of support groups, but most of all Make your own decision about your life, none of us will live with the consequences

Hmm_Messiah

Enigma365 wrote:

Well my advice was coming more from the point of view of remembering clearly how I felt when I was 15/16(im now 21). I just think as people get older, they forget what its like to be a teenager. I know what its like to be 16 and to be gay and I was certainly very clear on what I was feeling and was not at all "confused".

I accept totally what you're saying. Its just some other teen might happen on the thread and hear what you say as relating to him too.

Re: coming out I only have two things I understand (I didn't come out just welcomed a particular person to my family.
1: there is a difference in not saying your gay and dishonesty. Its along topic, not for this thread, but its OK not to tell people
2: COme out fully to yourself first, not as Gay, but as what everbrand of sexuality you happen to have.

Enigma365

Just because some people were unsure or even unaware of their sexuality in their teens or 20s or even 30s doesn't mean those that came to the realisation sooner must wait....
Perhaps if we did respect the kids sexuality more and helped them deal with it besides telling them to stay frustrated in the closet or that they're too young, then there's be less chance of...feelings of loneliness and isolation.

waiting...4 years isn’t going to teach you how to be at ease with your sexuality if it’s four year of keeping inside yourself.

I think those thoughts above are pretty much what I was getting at. I can say from experience that life gets a hell of a lot easier, not to mention more enjoyable when you are not keeping such a big part of your life a secret.

If you know for certain that you are gay - regardless of age, and you want to take action, then the best thing you can do is to start to deal with it in a careful and sensible manner. "Waiting" is a high a price to pay for very little benefit and I would never recommend it as advice to any teenager who wants to deal with the fact that they are gay.

My final thought is that in todays age, where things are a lot more acceptable, I suspect that the vast majorty of 15/16 year olds are aware of and do accept their sexual orientation.

Boston

I wouldn't say easier, I'd say the problems get different and maybe more manageable. But I get what you are saying. As I said earlier, it's very difficult not to put your own spin on things when replying to these threads; I've done it in the past as much as anyone else. You say there is very little benefit, but there could be allot of benefit to waiting, maybe he's not in one of those "more tolerant" situations you speak of. Maybe his family situation is such that he could find himself out on his ear, or maybe there is absolutely no benefit to it.

blank_name, I'm going to make some presumptions here, so forgive me if this is bad advice. You're about to go into transition year yes? This is a year of sitting around doing nothing, take this is an opportunity to learn about yourself and your sexuality and become confident in your choice. I know people that explored it at your age and decided it wasn't for them, while others decided that it was. If things go pear shaped, worse case situation you do your leaving at another school. You really have to sit down and decide what you can and can't do. If you don't know what you can do then try and find out what you can't.

Example, I didn't know if I could come out to all my friends, I didn't know if I could handle all there reactions. But What I did know is that I couldn't cop with sitting beside my bf day in and day out pretending just to be friends, that realisation made things simpler. Can you handle keeping this quiet for another three years and not exploring it? The same problems you face now, you will face in three years time. College, if you go, will most likely present and opportunity to explore these things, but do you want to wait three years?

All the above said, I couldn't have come out in school. Despite being forced to deal with problems which where far more pain and stress, then being gay, while I was at school. I don't think I could have done it. I don’t know though, maybe I sell myself short on that front.

Enigma365

Sorry, I should have specified...waiting because of age alone is what I meant by waiting.

BeLonG To Youth

Hi,
I know this thread was posted ages ago - but if you're still there - please contact BeLonG To as suggested

Our website: www.belongto.org
Phone: 01-8734184
E:belongto@eircom.net

If you call or mail I'll get right back to you
Michael (Youth Worker)

LegacyUser

BeLonG To Youth wrote:

Hi,
I know this thread was posted ages ago - but if you're still there - please contact BeLonG To as suggested

Our website: www.belongto.org
Phone: 01-8734184
E:belongto@eircom.net

If you call or mail I'll get right back to you
Michael (Youth Worker)

I've sent you an email now, sorry for being late!