Can't make friends...at 20

LegacyUser

I grew up an only child, for which I blame some of my problem. as anyone can imagine, i didn't start making too many friends on my first day in junior infants--i was just used to being alone/not with people my age etc.

It took me until 5th class to realise i just wasn't fitting in and had to actually do something about it.

So, i spent the next number of yrs playing social catch-up, and i think i did pretty well.

Oddly, all the way thru there was someone (at least one person) who i called my best friend, you know, the person who you sit beside in class and head out with on weekends etc: while the outer circle of friends may change, you can rely on that person.

I changed school in 2nd yr, into a school where i knew no-one--i quickly made a group of friends there, and there were a number of these ppl who i'd call best friends. Anyway, a spate of ill-luck followed as; 2 of them left the school and moved away--one of them was expelled--i had a falling out with another and i had feelings for another that weren't returned.

i stayed in touch with the expelled guy for a while but he developed a drinking problem (aping his father) and i felt i needed to let him know it was serious so i stopped the friendship.

about the same time, i got a girlfriend (Still together; over 3 yrs). so, when i went back to school for 6th yr, i found myself in an awkward situation; no friends, and a bit late to try and force my way in with the jocks. so i started hanging around with my gf. that was ok, except they were all girly-girls so basically my weekends started to dry up.

I thought that when i came to college i'd make at least a few friends, and i think most people like me, it's just i can't seem to get close to anyone to the stage where i get invited out on the weekends/nights out etc. so, in coll i'm either with the gf, or on my own--i don't even get asked to go for lunch etc.

wtf can i do??? I'm a nice guy, but i feel like i'm just the most insignificant person, always trying to look for someone to hang around with--ringing up friends from playschool assking if they wanna go for a pint--i even made a failed attempt to re-initiate my friendship with the alco-fiend.

Help.

LegacyUser

ignored, again....adapting...ok, fine now. ta

KnowItAll

Maybe it's the way you behave around people. I had this problem. Even though I'm a friendly person I wasn't acting in a friendly manner. I thought nobody liked me. Sounds stupid now!

What I did was read up books about body language etc. Only then did I realise it was me who was putting up a barrier. I did this without realising by avoiding eye contact and thinking badly of myself etc. I now realise what other people thought of me. This made me make an effort to change which I have. I'm not nervous around anybody anymore. I find people like me better.

I would suggest you do some research on the matter. It helped me and it'll help you. Good luck!

the_syco

Join a club at college. I did, and made friends there. Also, the barrier thing that KnowItAll mentioned can also be true.

Repli

Just let go, don't care what anyone thinks, go up to people and chat to them, 99% of the time they will be friendly to you, just "chill" is what i am trying to say

Dizzyblabla

why wait for others to invite you for lunch? at lunch just say, who's heading to the canteen?! (or where ever it is you guys go for lunch).
Don't wait for others to ask you, like there you are worrying about it, and I never even thought about it when I was in college, at lunch I used to ask others if they were heading to the canteen, or if I missed them, I just wandered around until I found them and then sat with them irrespective of whether or not I was invited... It's college, everyone sits with everyone else?!

I do understand the idea that you think it's like being in primary school "will you be my friend?", but people don't think of it when they head to lunch, if you hover around near enough to be asked, yet far away enough for them to think you don't want to talk to them, then of course they're not going to invite you. Spark up a conversation with someone, bitch about a lecturer, the weather, the next assignment, there's so much you can talk about to people, and then you just keep talking and walking to the canteen!
Ask people what are they up to at the weekend, on a Thursday night, check with your class rep to see if there's any class parties going on, surely they organise class nights out? Organise a class night out yourself if your class rep doesn't organise one, or get onto your class rep about organising one.
I don't think anyone gets a personal invite to the nights out anyway, people all say "We're going here tonight" and if you're there you're there, if you're not, you're not..

Don't think about it so much, I know it's obviously getting to you, but when I say don't think about it, I mean don't think about it when you go up to someone to talk to them, you're not doing an exam, and sure you already know you're a nice guy, so go make a use of it!

Good luck!! and keep us updated!

nesf

What KnowItAll said is very true, sometimes it can be an unconcious thing.

I've never found finding friends easy. Aquaintances yes, numbers in my phone book yes, but true friends are rare and hard to find.

I'll echo the above advice and say join a club or society. Easiest way to make friends in college imo.

LegacyUser

KnowItAll wrote:

What I did was read up books about body language etc.

Sound advice, it's something i try to be conscious of, eg folded arms is bad eye-contact good etc. got the name of the book handy? i reckon i'll check it out.

Dizzyblabla wrote:

why wait for others to invite you for lunch?...keep us updated!

More excellent advice thank you both, and everyone else for your advice...unfortunately, i've been reflecting on my situation and it seems to me that the problem goes deeper than not being able to make friends.

in fact it's more like not being able to hang onto them, or become "best friends", so although i'm well-liked, it's somewhat superficial and ultimately it leaves me lonely. it's one of those things where if i find an answer to one problem, it raises another problem and so on.

maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been in this situation, i really don't know what i'm at?!

Tobias Greeshman

I heard in da past crossing your arms and legs, gives off the body language of being dis-interested and a leave me alone vibe.

Dublin8

reading body language is a good idea

just one more thing when you talk to anyone just dont have any expectations that way ul never feel bad
and just b real you

b nice and you will make some friends

b open minded

murphys law

if you think something will go wrong it definately will go wrong !!

*Sassy*

DDamnedd,man wrote:

in fact it's more like not being able to hang onto them, or become "best friends", so although i'm well-liked, it's somewhat superficial and ultimately it leaves me lonely. it's one of those things where if i find an answer to one problem, it raises another problem and so on.

maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been in this situation, i really don't know what i'm at?!

I know where you're coming from here. I used to have a similar problem, maybe not as 'bad'. I'd just started writing my life story there and deleted it as I think only the last few years are the relevant ones here. Basically I'm an only child also, but I don't feel that's made too much of a difference as I've always been surrounded by other kids (at childminders while my parents worked). I actually have no problem meeting people as I'm quite chatty and outgoing (wasn't always like that really). But as you say, I find it hard to hold onto friends.

Anyway, for various long and boring reasons I am no longer in contact with any of my friends from primary or secondary school. I've always had loads of friends but never used to feel like I could really get to know a lot of them. At one stage they were all just people I went out with, or other such superficial things. Met my ex just before the leaving cert, went out with him for 2 and a half years. We both spent way too much time together.

Anyway, I started college and went on Erasmus for a year. That year was honestly the making of me. I dumped my ex while I was away, didn't keep in contact much with the 'friends' I had at home. I was suddenly really happy, confident and POPULAR! I swear, I am not being a big headed prat here but bloody everyone wanted to be my friend and I was beating guys off with a stick!

Came home and was very lonely as none of my new friends (or new boyf) lived in my city. I had made a conscious decision that I wasn't gonna be friends with anyone just for the sake of it anymore. Was sick of accepting less than I think I (and everyone) deserves from a friendship. So I didn't.

Well it took a year or two, but I built on the friendships I already had at home that were good to begin with. And believe it or not you do meet people along the way. I've actually become really good friends with some people from school that I didn't even hang around with then. Nowadays I have an amazing boyfriend and I am never short of someone to go out with. I have tons of 'acquaintances' for socializing etc. and a handful of very good friends who I would trust with my life.

I'm sorry for rambling on here, but the main thing in what I'm saying (I think) is that you need to like yourself first. You need to be happy and confident, or at least try and give that impression. Keep conversation lighthearted, take it slowly with people. You can't expect to be best mates with someone after a few weeks. You have to take each day as it comes, be patient. You also have to make a massive effort to keep in touch with people, without hounding them of course. Grab the bull by the horns and suggest stuff yourself, even as someone said about lunch or whatever.

Anyway, the moral of this waffle is not to get too bogged down about it. You're not a weirdo or anything, it's totally normal. I bet there are at least a dozen other people you know in college who are feeling the exact same. It's all part of growing up and it does get better.

pretty-in-pink

Yeah, I kinda had something like this at school. My friends were weird+pushy, I came from a tiny school,and so followed their lead, and thought they knew it all about the other girls(they had gone to primary together). I started to branch out a bit in 3 year, and discovered that the other girls in my year were actually quite nice and maybe my friends were the nasty ones.....Anyway, my popularity started to grow, but I didnt want to abondon my old friends, so I didn't go out to much.

When I came to college I was a perky, happy-go-lucky kinda girl. I was there for all the nights out- most were my suggestion. I', still all bubbly and well liked. Being one of the "popular" girls, I can say that very few of us (here anyway) ignore you cause you're a geek, or weird,or fat,or thin or anything. If you get ignored it's cause people probably think you don't want anything to do with them, or they think that you think you're better then them. If you have confidence,and you're nice without being a doormat, you'll be fine. If you don't...then you probably won't.

Seriously, chillax and be friendly, Start a conversation with people. Don't constantly harrass them and always try to debate stuff. Just have a laugh. Take a deep breath, believe in yourself, speak clearly (but not like Ross from friends!) and you'll be fine. If you seem approachable, relaxed and outgoing- then otheres will believe you are those things. A lot of being popular comes from within.....so find what makes you special, be confident,learn some self-esteem and you'll be sorted. Failing that, just change college, come to my college, we'll take you out on the piss big time.....

Sangre

Yeah, nobody really gets an invite to lunch...unless someone is really trying to reach out to someone. Like, hey he is on own, invite him to lunch but thats rare and only if the person seems approachable.
Just initiative everything, everyone likes someone who is assertive but not not cocky?
'Are you going to lunch?'
'Wanna get some lunch?'
'You heading out tonight?'
'Wanna head out tonight?'
etc.,

Just use this reasoning..if I don't do it why would they?

And don't be expecting best friends everytime a new social group appears on the scene. The are called 'best' friends for a reason.

KnowItAll

DDamnedd,man wrote:

Sound advice, it's something i try to be conscious of, eg folded arms is bad eye-contact good etc. got the name of the book handy? i reckon i'll check it out.

It was a long time ago so I have forgotting the name but there are loads of books out there on the subject of body language. I think you can find them in the psychology section in most book shops. You could also try browsing the web using a search engine. Good luck!

bp_me

@the op

I feel your pain, I really do.

It's prehaps somewhat more difficult for me, seeing as I am naturally very shy around new people, and the fact that I am the only person left doing my course (3 when i started 2 years ago w00t).

I have managed to make some new friends over the past 2 years. Take the advice that has been given already. It helps. Also, try joining some clubs (not nessiserally (spelling, anyone??) a college club. One in the town you are in for example). I have found sports clubs to be the best. There is a great social aspect to them, and you get in shape

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone who's offering advice. even though i knew that the advice in the other threads was good, I'm still surprised the advice here's been so good. I'm really trying the whole give off the old confident vibes. Made a mess of it so far but that's just nerves. I'll keep plugging away till i get there!

Tis funny; when i went to check the reponses earlier, i couldn't get on-line...because one of my friends was ringing me to go for a pint! What's that called irony?

bp_me

DDamnedd,man wrote:

Tis funny; when i went to check the reponses earlier, i couldn't get on-line...because one of my friends was ringing me to go for a pint! What's that called irony?

I think I would call it achieving a goal

Bottle_of_Smoke

DDamnedd,man wrote:

in fact it's more like not being able to hang onto them, or become "best friends", so although i'm well-liked, it's somewhat superficial and ultimately it leaves me lonely. it's one of those things where if i find an answer to one problem, it raises another problem and so on.

maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been in this situation, i really don't know what i'm at?!

Ah here, this is the talk thats gonna make sure you never have friends, I think you know very well that a friend who has to be "hung" onto isn't worth being friends with.

Just relax and eventually you should become *best friends* with someone without having to think about it!

Fantasy

DDamnedd,man wrote:

in fact it's more like not being able to hang onto them, or become "best friends", so although i'm well-liked, it's somewhat superficial and ultimately it leaves me lonely. it's one of those things where if i find an answer to one problem, it raises another problem and so on.

maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been in this situation, i really don't know what i'm at?!

I'm only 16 but I know what thats like I have always had someone I can call my best friend but I always end up fighting with them for reasons I dont know of ! I have also blamed some of this on being an only child because I hate it , I always want to have company and I dont like being alone so I think I can come across as clingy, I am working on it though. I hope all goes well with you .

p.s That advice about folding arms is helpful , I didnt know about that !

hullaballoo

Fantasy wrote:

p.s That advice about folding arms is helpful , I didnt know about that !

Careful to remember that's only advice, it's not the law...I seem to spend so much time and concentration trying not to fold my arms that I can't concentrate on the conversation--that's just a nervous disposition I have with some people though!

@OP--u should be concentrating on exams! ;p

Your post reminded me of myself. I was bullied several times when I was younger and I still have low self esteem. I know its irrational but I can't shake off the feelings I still get that people don't like me and don't want me around and I find it very difficult to talk to new people. I'm not a 'loner' though, I always have a few friends wherever I am. I did make a group of friends at college quite easily, probably more through luck and circumstances than anything else. I met a friendly looking, outgoing girl who was studying the same subjects as me on the first day of college, and as we had all our classes together, I ended up hanging around with her early on. Because she was so friendly, she talked to everyone else on the course and therefore so did I and we just ended up with a group of 5 or 6 that I now consider my best friends at college. Getting to know friendly and bubbly people is a MUST.

Although I do have friends and lots of people I say hi to, I still feel like I'm holding myself back. I never feel like I can be myself and so people see my as serious and unfriendly. I wish I could be one of those really bubbly people who is friends with everyone. I think it just takes time and as you get older, you will stop caring as much what people think of you. Be friendly, ask people to lunch, what the heck? The worst that can happen is they say no and then you haven't lost anything.

fortysixand2

At the risk of karma slapping me for not following myself some of the advice I'm about to give, I'll post anyways But yes, it's good that you're working on the positive vibes thing. It really is a thing of realising on the most essential level you can that you're worthy of this kind of friendship - often you can acknowledge this consciously but there'll always be that little part that won't accept it that manages to hold you back somehow. If you learn to simply relax and let your personality shine through the nerves, you'll do just fine.

Oh, and every single friendship, without exception, starts out superficial in some way. It's a case of letting it grow into something more than that and letting it become something more significant.

hullaballoo

My mother, a fountain of experience, always says (and I concur) that "the only people who worry about how people feel about them, are the only people who shouldn't". The point is that only nice people give a sh!t what anyone else thinks, and tbh, once ya get rid of the feeling that you don't deserve any friends, you'll be beating the friends off. :cool:

LundiMardi

hullaballoo wrote:

My mother, a fountain of experience, always says (and I concur) that "the only people who worry about how people feel about them, are the only people who shouldn't". The point is that only nice people give a sh!t what anyone else thinks

Couldn't disagree more tbh. Quite the opposite.

^^ Why is that LundiMardi? Obviously ALL people who worry about what people think aren't nice, and ALL nice people don't worry about what people think, but why do you say it's the opposite?

hullaballoo

LundiMardi wrote:

Couldn't disagree more tbh. Quite the opposite.

Let me clarify for my own sake what you mean, of course feel free to correct me; you're saying the only people who worry about how other people feel are the people who should be worried? or, you're saying, by corollary, that the people who shouldn't be worried, aren't.

Wait till my mother hears this!

Btw, you know this forum is supposed to be trying to help people yeah?

Jonny Arson

RE: original poster

I can understand where you are coming from. I'm 19 and even though I do have friends, I wouldn't say that I'm extremely close to anyone. I would be more just ''one of the gang'' and throughout my life I would definitely say that I have lacked that person who I could call my best friend which has affected me. I have always been terribly unlucky with who I have made friends with. I've been constantly f**ked around by people since my childhood, teenage years esp. and I'm still getting f**ked around by people today. Sometimes it has got to the stage where I've said to myself that I'm not bothered in having any friends. About 5 or 6 years I gave up on a group of friends and basically I spent a period of about a year hardly socialising with anyone which killed me inside. I understand how you feel and especially since I myself in college have badly struggled to make any friends. At our age it is very difficult to break in with anyone. It is evident to me everyone is in their little social circles and are very reluctant to let anyone in unless its a boyfriend/girlfriend. I can assure you the best way to meet people is by simply being yourself. Don't try too hard with people as us humans can smell desperation. Seriously think about getting involved in something that is close to your heart be it a sport, club. It is not easy but you would be more likely to meet similar people on your wavelength. It may take time but it will be worth it. I would also advise you to look into bodylanguage more. I have lost alot of confidence in myself lately and I am wondering if people are seeing this without me eve realising this.

cr

hullaballoo wrote:

My mother, a fountain of experience, always says (and I concur) that "the only people who worry about how people feel about them, are the only people who shouldn't". The point is that only nice people give a sh!t what anyone else thinks, and tbh, once ya get rid of the feeling that you don't deserve any friends, you'll be beating the friends off. :cool:

I totally disagree,
I myself have been in this situation! Which has led me to the conclusion that itellegence is a curse(bad spelling) that has been forced upon me!
I grew up in dublin,moved to the uk when I was 8,didnt fit in there because i was irish(typical racism,even though i was never bullied as ive always been bigger than most people my age),moved back to dublin when i was 14,and didnt fit in because people took me as being english/scottish! as my accent had changed!
I have always had to question/analise everything(personality trate) which put off alot of people incliding girls (as my longest ever relationship was 4 months!
) and i attract most girls who have problems! like self asteem or psycho's!
I Started listerning to punk rock around the age of 14 and now fit into the punk rock community(which isnt really fitting as, people basically spend all their time judging others, while complaining about the fact the people judge other people!)MY freinds also seem like enemies 50% of the time! this whole situation has turned me to pot and alcomohol!
which in turn makes me different personality wise to other people sober or ****faced!
Really i fit into a community where the whole basis of the community is not fitting in, and having some intellence i know this will eventualy leed to a self destructive path of social carnage which i continue follow out of ever increasing morbid curiousity!
many people who are on this path seem to self harm alot which strangely enough doesnt apeal to me being hypotcritical to a hypotcritical lifestyle!

JohnnyMobile

Hi,

some good advice in previous posts. I just have a bit of a thought on this matter. Sometimes some people want to slide straight into a friendship and when I look at the friendships I have at the moment I cant think of one of them that I conciously thought "I am going to become this persons friend".

I just feel that if you have to really try hard to become friends with omeone then it is not REAL.

I think you should just relax go out the weekend and have a few drinks and just be friendly. Most people including myself use the term "the more the merrier" so remember it is a good thing if you are there.... you are contributing to the night out not imposing.

Im heading out tonight and there are people going that I dont particularly get on with, some I get on with like a house on fire and some I dont really know feel free to PM me if you want to go too! as I said the more the merrier!

hullaballoo

cr wrote:

I totally disagree,

Yeh, I'm just not sure you got my point (or my mother's as the case may be).

OP--Johnnymobile has a good point, and an offer which I thinks pretty cool!

LegacyUser

JohnnyMobile wrote:

Im heading out tonight and there are people going that I dont particularly get on with, some I get on with like a house on fire and some I dont really know feel free to PM me if you want to go too! as I said the more the merrier!

Thats real sound of u cheers, I might take u up on it some stage too! just depends where ur from amd that

Everyone else: your help has been really great, it's made me feel just more relaxed and everything so cheers! I really appreciate it!

Dizzyblabla

I have a few "best friends" - girls I've been friends with since school, each of them are told different secrets or different aspects of my life that I don't want the other to know, it sounds odd I know, but my closest friend lives in a different county, we're crap for keeping in contact, but every so often we'll meet up and it's like we saw each other the day before...
I'm not sure what you're expecting in a "best friend" - but they are not the person that you go out on the piss with all the time, they are the person you confide in and value their opinions on things, maybe a best friend changes with age, but I know for sure that the best friend of when you're 5 and do everything together is not what a best friend is as you get older...

It's better to have lots of "friends" than one person that you depend on, because if they are ever not there for you, it's then you feel the lonliness...

JohnnyMobile

DDamnedd,man wrote:

Thats real sound of u cheers, I might take u up on it some stage too! just depends where ur from amd that

Everyone else: your help has been really great, it's made me feel just more relaxed and everything so cheers! I really appreciate it!

heading out in Dublin tonight... just ironing a shirt as we speak
right Im off out have fun tonight all