A Long Story

LegacyUser

I'm a pretty regualr poster here, but I really tend to value my personal privacy, so I'm going to go unregistered here.

I've been in love with my bf (me 26, him nearly 30) for over 5 years now, and we live together in a rented apartment. He is the love of my life. Thinking of him makes me smile even when I'm alone.

Things haven't been good for us for a long time now. Sexually speaking that is and I couldn't understand why. I can count the amount of times we've made love on my two hands in the last two years. I was feeling very rejected by him, he didn't seem to respond to anything from me. And this fustrated the hell out of me. I tried to raise the subject with him, but I get discouraged very easily, and tbh I didn't need any more rejection from him. So I suppose things got left alone and time passed on.

Around Christmas, I noticed he was in a very bod mood most of the time. He wasn't sleeping at night and it was as clear as day something was up. That was the worst Christmas for me, as we both went home to our parents. Normally he'd come down for a few days but nothing this year. Towards the end of January, he told me he wanted to leave. Now I'd suspected this was coming from, how could I not, but I didn't understand why. I knew he loved me, just didn't find me sexually attractive anymore, but he couldn't explain himself.

Then he told me that he'd been having an afffair with a woman ( an old friend of his) for nearly 2 years, and that he was in love with her. They'd been planning to move in together into a second house she owns, but when time came to leave me, he couldn't, not without telling me the truth. Because, when all is said and done, he loves me, he's just not in love with me. He finished things with this woman, because she's a player. I know her and she does manipulate people. She's married, but has been saying that she will leave her husband for ages. She hasn't because she wants to take assets out of their marriage before leaving, and my bf got sick of her doing this.

since then, we've rediscovered a friendship between us. He told me that it all started because he didn't feel he could talk to me about the state of us. Now, thats gutted me. To feel that he couldn't talk to me.

I love this man, I still do. Fool that I am. We still live together, but not as a couple, which is a bad situation, but it's not for long. I wanted to marry him, and spend my life with him. How, in hindsight, I could have ignored the lack of sex for so long, I don't know, at one stage it was a year. Imagine I'm 25 and gagging for it. And nothing.

how do I not be in love with him? I will be his friend, but I can't afford to be in love with him anymore.

LegacyUser

Simple advice here:

Dont live with him anymore and cut off all contact with him.Make a clean break.

He was shagging someone else for 2 years so you really shouldn't even be speaking to him, let alone living with him.All you're doing by continuing this suitation is reinforcing the rejection you felt.

Find someone new and put it down to a bad experience.

Staying friends in a suitation like this, where there's been so much previous deception is crazy.

All this 'loves me but not in love with me' is let-down speak btw, don't buy it.

Move on.

neuro-praxis

Perhaps it would be better for yourself to leave the friendship behind too. It is admirable that you remain a loyal friend despite his betrayal of you, but I think that for your own sanity and well being that once you move out, you leave him completely behind. This will be difficult, but I can't see any other way of getting over him.

Hard as it may be to accept, he does not respect you or love you, and his two years playing away demonstrates this. I honestly don't think he has a positive role to play in your life.

Surround yourself with people who care for you, and throw yourself into work, socialising and the fun of rediscovering being single. It will be worth it eventually.

DoctorEdgeWild

^agreed. Its never nice to hear but he f**ked you around big time. Two years of playing away and he claims to love you. Get outta there. It will just lead to more trouble for you mentally. Take the advice of the poster before me.

tinkerbell

What the other two said.

This guy doesn't care for you at all, not as a friend, and certainly not as a lover - considering he cheated on you for two years solid. I think the only thing you can do is to cut him out of your life. Move out, and stop seeing him altogether, otherwise if you continue to be his friend while you are trying to get over him, it'll take you fifty times longer to move on or maybe you will never fully be able to move on.

So sorry to hear that you got messed around He doesn't deserve your love. You will find someone who is worthy of you, and who will treat you like the queen that you deserve to be treated.

secret_squirrel

Run for it - its all very well trying to be decent an preserve a friendship - but ask yourself has he behaved like a friend? - never mind a lover.

The only way you will get over him is to break contact with him for a while. Leave it six months or so before contacting him again so you can be sure its his friendship you want not another chance with him (I assume you dont want another chance?)

You are the injured party here - you have no obligation to be reasonable - freaking out at him might be therapautic.

You seem a little lacking in confidence - surround yourself with good friends and take some time learning to define yourself as an indivdual rather than as part of a couple. Good luck sounds like you deserve better.

WhiteWashMan

why do you feel you need to remain friends? what is it you owe him that he gets to remain your friend?

youve learnt a lesson. you wont let it happen again.

put yourself first. be selfish. move on and get some happiness.

bug

I just want to say, that your story is gut wrenching, and really made me sad reading it.

My own opinion is that having an affair is not on.
Certain circumstances can be forgiven I suppose. However, this guy misled you for two years. That’s two years!!!!
That’s two years where he was comfortable misleading you completely and then tossing and turning and losing sleep, when it didn’t work out for him.

Either you are are a very patient person who loves him very much or a doormat.
But in all honesty it seems like the latter.

Regardless of what anyone says here you will make up your own mind about whatever relationship you end up having with him.

So in summary...here's a list of the things, of which the guy who "makes you smile" did to do:

*rejected you to the point where you couldn’t broach the subject of sex with him (nice open friendship there)
*ruined Christmas
*Said he didn’t find you sexually attractive
*Gave you no explanation for any of the above

*Had an affair for two years.
*Didn’t tell you about it and only lost sleep when it came to the point where he knew he would have to (full of conscience this guy)
*Planned to move in before he told you (god bless him cotton socks)
*Finished things with the unobtainable girl who wouldn’t leave her husband (i.e. things didn’t work out for *him*)

Yeah this guy is your bessie mate alright!
Some one who even platonically loves you wouldn’t be this cruel (generally most people have some semblance of a conscience)

This is not love of any description. You seem to be a comfortable fall back for this guy. You’re very foolish.

Give it up for gods sake, the worst person in the world you can fool is yourself, and if you came back here in 5 years time to P.I. stating that your husband didn’t love you... you'd be a bigger fool because he is not going to change his mind.

In fact he has walked over you so much he probably doesn’t even respect you. You know the deal yourself. You don’t have to ask a bunch of strangers. You can feel how he feels about you, when you actually choose to accept it is your own choice.

Best of luck and best of happiness, hopefully without him.

OY

bug wrote:

Certain circumstances can be forgiven I suppose. However, this guy misled you for two years. That’s two years!!!!

I guess i will jump on the band wagon here....
2 YEARS!

I am sorry that it has been this rough on you but i gots to agree with everyone. You deserve more than this crap simply because nobody deserves this!

LegacyUser

I want to thank everyone for replying. Thank you for taking the time to read this and offer your thoughts.

In my defense, I am no ones doormat. I'm a very independant strong person, but I'm lost at the moment, which is a very odd feeling for me. The ground has been swept out from under my feet and I'm finding it hard to regain my balance.

I do love him very much, and I'm not being melodramatic when I say this is a love that will last forever. I will take my feelings for him to my grave. Internally, I'm a very dilly-dallying person, and I fret over every decision I make. The outside world doesn't know that I'm this way because I'm pretty self-composed and confident. The only thing in my life that I never doubted was being in love with this man.

But that cannot be anymore, I'm going to have to change everything, and it's going to be hard

Beruthiel

yearslater wrote:

I
But that cannot be anymore, I'm going to have to change everything, and it's going to be hard

sure it will be hard
but you'll be stronger for it
stop seeing him as soon as possible, for at least 6 months - you will only prolong the pain if you contine to see him, do yourself a big favour and move on with your life.