Coping with anxiety

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I've had social anxiety for about 8 years, since i was 18. I've always been a fairly shy person but still had plenty of friends and did normal teenage stuff. But everyday is a constant battle as i try to hide my anxiety from people. It wears me out completely and i am at the stage where i don't know what i can do to improve my situation.

I go to the gym regularly and i eat healthy and i no longer take anti-anxiety medication which didn't really work anyway but i can't seem to ever relax around people and am i always on edge even around my own family. I don't even enjoy going out for a few pints anymore as i get drunk just so i can relax enough to feel normal.

I have been told that i'm a good looking bloke and that i have a nice personality but it really means nothing when i spend most of my time alone, avoiding people and constantly worrying about how people are going to react to my anxiety which believe me, comes across and seems to make most people uncomfortable.

I have found it increasingly difficult to get close to anyone, especially women. I guess i'm afraid that when people know the real me they will reject me and it will confirm what i already feel, which is that anxious people are not the type of people that most normal people like to be around. I tend to worry about the future and about the many regrets i am going to have and about a life of isolation and unfullfilment. Because underneath it all, i'm a normal guy with the same aspirations and goals as anyone else.

I guess i'm looking for some helpful advice really. If anyone is or has been in a similiar position and can offer advice on how to deal with S.A i'd be grateful as i really don't know where to turn. I've been to an anxiety group in the past but didn't find it very helpful. Thanks.

stagolee

This may sound wierd but the problem is that you care too much what people think of you, you seem to think that if others form a low opinion of you that this will somehow lessen your worth as a person. The truth is other people generaly will take their cue on how nice a person you are from what you seem to think of yourself.

the trick is to spend a little time thinking about yourself, if you can come to the conclusion that your happy with yourself (aside from the social anxiety thing of course) then all you have to do is meet up with some folks and decide beforehand that you dont give a **** what they think of you as you are better qualified to form an opinion on yourself and you happen to think your o.k. If you can do this then you will have a better perspective on the social anxiety thing and should be well on the way to knocking it on the head.

I know that my advice basicaly amounts to "decide to stop being socialy anxious" and that thats a very easy bit of advice to give and very difficult to put into practice, but essentialy the only difference between your current situation and one where you socialize normaly is this decision. you know as well as i do that no one will subject you to the rejection you seem to fear if your an honest decent bloke just trying to be friendly, and if they do **** 'em theyre arseholes anyway

best of luck mate

Mr.Nice Guy

S.A person wrote:

I have found it increasingly difficult to get close to anyone, especially women. I guess i'm afraid that when people know the real me they will reject me and it will confirm what i already feel, which is that anxious people are not the type of people that most normal people like to be around. I tend to worry about the future and about the many regrets i am going to have and about a life of isolation and unfullfilment. Because underneath it all, i'm a normal guy with the same aspirations and goals as anyone else.

I guess i'm looking for some helpful advice really. If anyone is or has been in a similiar position and can offer advice on how to deal with S.A i'd be grateful as i really don't know where to turn. I've been to an anxiety group in the past but didn't find it very helpful. Thanks.

First of all, you need to start feeling happy about yourself. Stop worrying about people rejecting the real you. What you should do is make a list of all your great qualities and realise that people would be lucky to have the real you as a friend or to have a relationship with. As for the future, acknowledge that your destiny is in your hands and your hands alone. Again write out a list, this time of your hopes, dreams and objectives and work towards them.
Albert Camus said that "Life is a sum of all your choices". Start making good choices and notice your life improving gradually.

As for the feeling of anxiousness around people, work on it day by day but don't expect immediate results. It will take time and effort. Work on things like your posture and tone of voice and if you tend to have negative thoughts, a good tip is to find the place behind your front teeth where your gum meets the tooth. There is a small ball here. By touching this with your tongue you can actually cut down on alot of negative thoughts. I read about this and I found it helped me. Also, consider meditation as it is not as bad as many make out and there are some very useful breathing techniques to be found on the net.

Hope this has helped. Good luck.

Uthur

I've had SA/SP for my whole life - 30 years now. I'm getting pretty sick
of it too to be honest!

I reckon I'm going to need Therapy at some point soon to get this sorted
out - maybe you should consider that too?

I also have panic disorder - which is an even worse condition. I can't function
at all - socially or otherwise!

I've been on quite a few drugs for PD - and some actually affect the SA
as well. I just came off Tofranil, and when I was on that drug I didn't
care much about anything - whether people liked me or not or anything
else.

I bet a psychiatrist could actually find you a drug that would sort you out
if you were willing to be very patient with the treatment.

I assume you've tried Buspar? Lots of SA people love that drug - it has
few side effects too if you start it slowly.

Please let us all know if you have any breakthroughs.

nesf

Uthur wrote:

I've had SA/SP for my whole life - 30 years now. I'm getting pretty sick
of it too to be honest!

I reckon I'm going to need Therapy at some point soon to get this sorted
out - maybe you should consider that too?

I also have panic disorder - which is an even worse condition. I can't function
at all - socially or otherwise!

I've been on quite a few drugs for PD - and some actually affect the SA
as well. I just came off Tofranil, and when I was on that drug I didn't
care much about anything - whether people liked me or not or anything
else.

I bet a psychiatrist could actually find you a drug that would sort you out
if you were willing to be very patient with the treatment.

I assume you've tried Buspar? Lots of SA people love that drug - it has
few side effects too if you start it slowly.

Please let us all know if you have any breakthroughs.

Very good advice. I've suffered from GAD on and off for years, but one thing that I found really helped for it was a combination of therapy and meds. It's a long term problem though, so you can't expect it to go away quickly, it takes alot of effort to overcome it.

I'm not saying that you should or should not be on meds, I'd just try to find a good psychiatrist and a good therapist and try to work with them on a solution to the matter. Anxiety problems cannot always be corrected via postive thinking, sometimes it requires medical assistance in order to overcome it.

Good luck regardless.

ando

Hey,

I kinda know what your going through. I used to have real problems with blushing for no reason around people, even my family. It was really embarrassing and made me feel like there was something wrong with me, and it made me avoid people because of it. It’s only when I noticed my social life was suffering I had to do something or change the way I talked to myself (inner self talk). It still happens from time to time nowadays but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I've learned to let my body do its thing and accept it, not to fight it and now the condition is gone before it’s begun.

It sounds like you have generalized social phobia, as the fear you have is not directed towards anything in particular, more like a fear of any social or group situation where you feel you might be watched or evaluated.

The treatments for Social Phobia are as follows:

Relaxation Training
Abdominal breathing... deep relaxation etc etc which is practiced on a regular basis

Cognitive Therapy
Replace the negative self talk with more positive supportive statements

Real life exposure
Gradual and incrementally facing social situation or situations you are phobic about

Medication
I would tend to stay clear of this unless last resort

Social Skills Training
Making eye contact, smiling and maintaining a conversation

Assertive Training
The ability to say 'No' to what you don’t want


I'd recommend you try a self help workbook. The best book for anxiety disorders is: 'The anxiety and phobia workbook, Third Edition' by Edmund J Bourne. Its A4 size with a LOT of info in it. I got it from Amazon. It’s by far the best anxiety book I've read so far and is where I've learned all the above info from


Hope I helped

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice. I really don't want to go back on medication again. I've been on seroxat, effexor, Cipramil and buspar over a 4 year span and to be honest my physical health suffered and my any positive effects were minimal. I would like to try CBT but i believe the waiting lists are quite long. Some days i can't even maintain eye contact with people which is a real worry as it can come across as rude which i definately am not.

My confidence has been shattered because of the S.A and i know from experience that most people will avoid people with anxiety, not because they are bad people but more because they don't know how to deal with it.

The eye contact thing is a real problem for me. I can't look a person in the eye when i'm anxious because it makes them uncomfortable. God, judging by some peoples reactions sometimes, i must look freaked out when i'm nervous. I guess people think it must have something to do with them which of course it isn't. I think i'll try to arrange CBT and see how that goes. Thanks for all the replys.

nesf

S.A Person wrote:

Thanks for all the advice. I really don't want to go back on medication again. I've been on seroxat, effexor, Cipramil and buspar over a 4 year span and to be honest my physical health suffered and my any positive effects were minimal. I would like to try CBT but i believe the waiting lists are quite long. Some days i can't even maintain eye contact with people which is a real worry as it can come across as rude which i definately am not.

My confidence has been shattered because of the S.A and i know from experience that most people will avoid people with anxiety, not because they are bad people but more because they don't know how to deal with it.

The eye contact thing is a real problem for me. I can't look a person in the eye when i'm anxious because it makes them uncomfortable. God, judging by some peoples reactions sometimes, i must look freaked out when i'm nervous. I guess people think it must have something to do with them which of course it isn't. I think i'll try to arrange CBT and see how that goes. Thanks for all the replys.

(the following isn't medical advice just opinion btw)

Ok, in my opinion, if you have worked your way through more than one medication and found that the benifits don't outweight the side-effects then you have two options. You could ask your psychiatrist to think about more exotic drug combos (a last resort), or you could say to your psychiatrist that you don't feel the drugs are worth it and would like to give therapy a shot. In either case, consult with your psychiatrist! You want a medical opinion on things like this, believe me!

Now as far as therapies go. CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) is very effective for some people. It tends to either work well or not work at all in my experience. In your case since you are interested in it, you should try to get yourself on that waiting list, or try to get your psychiatrist to get you it asap. Just because there is a waiting list does not mean that you shouldn't apply. This problem will more than likely still be around in 6 months when you get the call to go to therapy, it's a chronic condition rather than an acute one. What you want is to find a long term solution, don't be afraid to join a waiting list for a therapy you want. It's a fact of medical life in this country, I had to wait 3 months for a specialist psychiatrist to have space to take me on. It was well worth the wait. (and that was going for private btw! I don't want to think about what it would have been like as a public patient!)

There are also many forms of therapy, and all are effective. You need to go through a few therapists before you find the right kind of therapy and the right therapist for you. Don't be afraid to ask your psychiatrist to find you a therapist to start with. Keep going to your psychiatrist and use his/her experience to your advantage. They can help steer you towards therapists that would suit your problem, and help you avoid any less effective therapies.

Remember it's a long term problem, you need to approach the treatment from a long term perspective. You are taking action to help yourself, take a second to pat yourself on your back and have a smile about it. You are doing fantastically, just keep it up