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Duck Jokes, please add more if you wish

  • 18-04-2005 9:58am
    #1
    Glipmac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 631 ✭✭✭


    A duck walks into a bar and sits down, looks at the barman and says

    "Got any bread?"

    Barman replys: "no, sorry mate"

    Duck: "Got any bread?"

    Barman: "I just told you i haven't got any bread!"

    Duck: "Got any bread?"

    Barman: "If you ask if i have got any bread one more time i am gonna nail your F***in' beak to the bar!"

    Duck: "Got any nails?"

    Barman: "NO, I DONT HAVE ANY NAILS!"

    Duck: "Got any bread?"

    Glip :cool:


Comments

  • #2
    DonkeyStyle \o/
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,145 ✭✭✭DonkeyStyle \o/


    Hehe :D


  • #3
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    brilliant!
    Keep em coming...


  • #4
    Glipmac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 631 ✭✭✭Glipmac


    A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there and that's where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

    The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" "I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

    And

    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

    Also

    Q: Why did the duck cross the road?

    I asked some of the greatest (well, at least most well-known) minds of all time, and here are some of their replies:

    PLATO: For the greater good.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of ducks to cross roads.

    KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

    TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no duck has gone before.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all ducks will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the duck: "Thou shalt cross the road." And the duck crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more ducks have to cross the road before you believe it?

    RICHARD M. NIXON: The duck did not cross the road. I repeat, the duck did NOT cross the road.

    MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the duck crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

    JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this duck doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

    FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the duck crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES: I have just released the new Duck 2000, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. It is not compatible, however, with Duck 1997. Or Macintosh.

    OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the duck cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the duck crossing? And what about the grassy knoll?"

    DARWIN: Ducks, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.

    EINSTEIN: Whether the duck crossed the road or the road moved beneath the duck depends upon your frame of reference.

    Glip :cool:


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