Friend in bad relationship

Seoige

A close friend of mine has been seeing this guy on and off for about two years. He is the biggest flirt in the entire world. He flirts with me and all my friends other girlfriends, he flirts with randoms, he flirts with his own female friends, I mean serious flirting, not just ‘charm’!. He ignores my friend when they’re out, he makes her feel guilty for being cross with him. He thinks going away for weekends with groups of female friends without his girlfriend or her thumbs up is ok.

She reckons its her own insecurities getting in the way and she’s over reacting blah blah blah. She’s not, he’s awful, really really bad. I think he’s completely immature and not ready for any kind of commitment. If my boyfriend acted even a tiny bit how he does he’d be out the door and I’m pretty relaxed!!! They broke up for a while last year and I think it was the best thing that’s even happened to her. She admitted what a pr**k he was and I thought she was over him. She had picked herself up and moved on.

But they’re now back together. He still acts the same. Anyway I’m not going to rant any more about him, but I’m so worried about her. Her self esteem has taken a total nose dive and she’s back to square one. I dunno what to do, I know its her own life, she makes her own decisions and that really it’s none of my businesss, but when we get together and she tells me what he’s been up to and asks me for advice and then ends up letting it go and blaming her feelings of insecurity on herself I just don’t know what to say. I don’t want to tell her exactly how I feel about him because I’m one of the only people she’ll speak to about it so I have to be careful.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation with friends or even been in a relationship like this? What did you do?

PS Reading over what I wrote and just to clarify there’s no violence involved what-so-ever in the relationship, in case it might have sounded that way :-)

arbeitsscheuer

Judging from your post, it seems like everyone can see this guy is a jerk, even herself.

That's really important: I 've seen my friends in similar relationships, with people who just treat them so badly - but it's always they who are the last to see it (and sometimes don't see it at all...). In those situations, you've just gotta be supportive of your friend, don't go trying to insist on how much of a prink the partner is, cos basically your mate will just be hurt that you'd say such things: "Why can't you just be happy for me?" is a retort that springs to mind.

But as I say, this situation is different. According to your post, she's admitted as much that he was a pr*ck. So she knows (presumably) what you think of him. In this case, be a good friend - Don't constantly nag her bout how much of a git this guy is, but any time you're on a night out wit herself and himself, and he's actin like a c*ck, just make sure you let her know that his behaviour is just not acceptable.

P.S. Just for the sake of interest, how old are these ppl?

Victor

If she considers it cheating / inappropriate then it is. She has two choices, put up with this or give him an ultimatum.

Seoige wrote:

PS Reading over what I wrote and just to clarify there’s no violence involved what-so-ever in the relationship, in case it might have sounded that way :-)

Thats odd, I didn't see anything suggesting violence.

Seoige

They're in their early 20's. She claims there's no cheating going on, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him though :mad: Thanks for the advice. Am trying to be supportive!!

The Sweeper

It's so difficult to be supportive of a friend when they're with someone who you feel just isn't good enough for them.

Unfortunately, your friend is in one of those positions where, confronted with less-than-desirable behaviour from her partner, she's turned the spotlight on herself. "I'm so insecure, I wish I could just get over the fact that my partner behaves like he's single."

I don't think she should have to get over it. However, if nobody's told Don Juan there that they think he's being a bit of a prick, perhaps he's got no idea how hurtful he's being?

And as for not saying anything to your friend, have you tried saying something to him? Admittedly it could all blow up in your face - you could tell him you think he's a bit of an ass, he could tell your friend you started on him, your friend could take his side...

Still - either way, have you either ever asked your friend why she puts up with it? Don't go "I think he's a puss bag, why do you let him..." - try a line of "How come, when Mr Big there starts up, you assume it's you that has a problem because you don't like it? I wouldn't like it if he did it to me to be honest..." and then stay quiet and see if she opens up at all...