Experienced Swingers please advise

LegacyUser

My girlfiend wants us to go to a swingers party and I'm not too sure, I just think things will never be the same once she sees me having intercourse with someone else.

Has anyone been down this road - I find it staggering that this **** is so common in ireland.

MojoMaker

Second part of your first sentence gives it away.

Why bother?

Sarky

And things wouldn't change when you see your girlfriend having intercourse with someone else? It swings both ways, if you'll pardon the pun.

OY

I am pretty liberal with things but i never understood this... i do not think i would get off on seeing my other half with someone else.
It just seems wierd to me.

So you are not enthusiastic about this and looking for someone to pump you up so you can do it. It is a pity because if your girl wants to do it then there is a problem there, no pressure or nothing.

BuffyBot

The fact that you're not sure seems to indicate that this possibly isn't the best of ideas. You ask about how your girlfriend will feel seeing you having sex with someone else - have you thought about how you will feel if you have to watch her have sex with someone else.

At the end of the day, activities like this demand a solid relationship with a high degree of trust. You need to talk this over with your gf before the event telling her of your concerns

Zombrex

BuffyBot wrote:

At the end of the day, activities like this demand a solid relationship with a high degree of trust.

You forgot the most important part, you both have to want to ..

I have been in solid relationships with a high degree of trust and we didn't swing, or want to (afaik). Not wanting to swing doesn't mean there is anything weak with your relationship.

I have never been in a swinging relationship, but the ones I have known about or heard about, it is almost always one persons idea that the other person goes along with, often just to please there partner. And that doesn't end well. To OP, if you are nervious or unsure that you want to do this don't do it.

People seem to think that jealously is an unnatural emotion that in this modern liberal world we should try to surpress and be more "open minded". TBH that is bull. If you think jealous will enter the relationship because of this then don't do it, because bringing jealous and miss trust into a relationship (on purpose) is a very bad idea.

Simply close your eyes and imagine your girlfriend getting f**ked by another man. Now imagine her really really enjoying it. If that image doesn't trouble you in anyway then you probably won't mind swinging.

Dinxminx

Wicknight wrote:

Simply close your eyes and imagine your girlfriend getting f**ked by another man. Now imagine her really really enjoying it. If that image doesn't trouble you in anyway then you probably won't mind swinging.

I agree with Wicknight. Try that.

It all sounds a bit screwed up to me. If I saw my boyfriend scr*wing some girl and enjoying it there's a good chance I'd run out of there in tears, and I would like to think (though, knowing my boyfriend and his problem with me looking at other guys, it's more like something I know ) my boyfriend would go ape if he watched me having intercourse with some dude. In fact, I'm prety sure it would be detrimental to the dude's health.

It sounds unnatural. As they've always told you

JUST SAY NO

Zoned

What ever happened the good ol days of going to the pictures...

Dont Do It....you will never look at each other the same way again....

LegacyUser

I suppose I hadn't really thought about anything other then the fact that I would get to shag loads of women. I reckon the only way I could go through with this is if I had no real respect for my girlfriend and don't really see any long term future.

I could never let a woman so promiscuous kiss my children goodnight.

I'm going to go along and have a look. My friends say there'll be nothing but manky middle aged saddos there.

If there's even one goodlooking girl - bonus - either way afterwards I'm finishing it with the girlfriend.

I'll let you know how it all goes tomorrow.

4Xcut

No-one seems to have mentioned the potential health risks.

Cake Fiend

4Xcut wrote:

No-one seems to have mentioned the potential health risks.

Are you aware of any added risks to swinging that aren't present in regular casual sex?

kasintahan

Dinxminx wrote:

It all sounds a bit screwed up to me. If I saw my boyfriend scr*wing some girl and enjoying it there's a good chance I'd run out of there in tears

It's a bit difficult for a guy to have sex with a girl and not enjoy it.
If I were you I wouldn't go seeking your boyfriends honest opinion on a MFF threesome anytime soon...


To the original poster: If you aren't comfortable with it then it may be best not to.

embee

Err.. the health risks should be pretty apparent.

He is in a monogamous relationship with this girl. Both partners having sexual intercourse with various others at a swingers party raises the likelihood of contracting an STI quite a good deal higher.

kasintahan

The risks are no more that most of the [edit] applicable [/edit] population willingly accept each week when taking someone home from a nightclub.

Bazz

I thought swinging was something people in their forties with dried up coose's, desperate for a good rattling did.

Zombrex

kasintahan wrote:

The risks are no more that most of the [edit] applicable [/edit] population willingly accept each week when taking someone home from a nightclub.

Actually they are.

By mixing in swingers circles you are exposing yourself and your partner to people who would tent to have larger number of random sexual partners than your average block or girl on the street. This won't always be the case, but generally over time it would be.

It is like sleeping with a hooker. You are not just sleeping with an average person, you are sleeping with someone who regularly has casual sex, and more importantly, regularly has casual sex with other people who regularly have casual sex. Therefore the whole not just sleeping with her/him but everyone they have sleep with and everyone that there last partner has sleep with etc etc exposed puts you in a higher risk category.

Take the hooker example again, because it is easier to explain. If you sleep with a hooker you are not just sleeping with an average woman (or man). In fact you are not just sleeping with a woman who has had a large number of sexual partners (which again you could find in any night club). The important and distinctive fact to remember is that you are sleeping with a woman who has sleep with men who have probably sleep with other hookers. And as such the hooker you sleep with is exposed to all the STDs that her last client was exposed to while sleeping with other hookers, who themselves would be high risk etc etc etc.

So the same can be said about swingers. You are not just sleeping with an average woman/man even one with an above average number of sexual encounters. You are sleeping with someone who mixes sexual in a culture that would contain a lot of casual sex with a lot of partners. As such each of there other partners before you would probably also have had a large number of casual sexual encounters with people who would also have had a large number of casual sexual encounters and so on and so on. As such you would be in a higher risk area than even someone who just pulls randomly in a night club.

Probably didn't explain that very well, but anyways

BuffyBot

It's worth keeping in mind that safe sex is practised at *most* well organised swingers events - now that's no guarantee of safety in the least, but let it be a counter to the impression that is being created of wild, unprotected abandon.

Zombrex

BuffyBot wrote:

It's worth keeping in mind that safe sex is practised at *most* well organised swingers events - now that's no guarantee of safety in the least, but let it be a counter to the impression that is being created of wild, unprotected abandon.

Well like i said, i don't know much about swingers, that may be true.

But it is also worth keeping in mind that if you increase the numbers of partners the effect of safer sex to prevent STDs begins to drop (i.e. condom fails 1/10 times, so sleep with 10 people odds are you have been at a risk level the same as unprotected sex at least once. If the person you were exposed to also has a larger number of casual sexual encounters the odds that the time you are exposed you are exposed to someone with an STD is greater and so on) especially when included in an environment of casual sexual encounters.

flogen

Wicknight wrote:

Well like i said, i don't know much about swingers, that may be true.

But it is also worth keeping in mind that if you increase the numbers of partners the effect of safer sex to prevent STDs begins to drop (i.e. condom fails 1/10 times, so sleep with 10 people odds are you have been at a risk level the same as unprotected sex at least once. If the person you were exposed to also has a larger number of casual sexual encounters the odds that the time you are exposed you are exposed to someone with an STD is greater and so on) especially when included in an environment of casual sexual encounters.

1/10 times? what brand do you use?!

I'd have to agree with what most people here are saying. Forget the health risks, the fact that you have to ask someone else's opinion (and at that people you don't know) means you are quite unsure and possibly uncomfortable with the idea. Unless you have thought it all through, especially the prospect of seeing your other half in the midst of a wild and passionate moment with someone who isn't you, and are happy with what you're getting into, don't do it. tbh I can't imagine how I'd feel to see my partner having sex with someone else, but I know damn well I'd either vomit with disgust/anger/shock while crying uncontrollably or else I'd see red and attack whoever it was while crying uncontrollably, and possibly vomitting on them too. I'd expect that even the more "male friendly" mff type relations would be just as fraught with danger too.
In my opinion that kind of stuff is best kept as far from emotion and relationships as possible

Nevyn

it depends on what she means by a party. It could just be a meet and greet and she could well take a good look arround and go yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk Ick.

Such a suggestion could come from frustation or some sort of lack of compatibily between the two of you. Maybe try having a really frank talk about
your own sexaul realtionship and preferences and work on that first.

simu

Given the average beauty levels of Irish people, I can't see how this could go well unless they've got a strict "ugleh filter". And before people start giving out to me about being superficial, the whole point of going to watch your partner have sex with others and vice versa is to get visual pleasure, no? (Also, I know beauty is subjective but I imagine such a policy of aesthetic filtering would go with current fashion magazine norms).

Sure, you could try taking your sex-life to the next level but are you sure that level is a good place to be?

athena 2000

Thaed wrote:

Such a suggestion could come from frustation or some sort of lack of compatibily between the two of you. Maybe try having a really frank talk aboutyour own sexaul realtionship and preferences and work on that first.

OP,
You’ve met the boundary line and it is you. By that I mean that you’re not sure and you’re also probably very uncomfortable with the idea of swinging. I’m guessing you’re probably serially monogamous and aren’t sure what to think about the suggestion from your girlfriend. You’re surprised that swinging is “so common” in Ireland (or so they say – whoever ‘they’ may be). Depending on how long you’ve been together, swinging might be an interesting fantasy, but personally I don’t see how it could make sex special, or more create more intimacy between you and your girlfriend. Interchangeable partners seem a bit impersonal, but that’s my opinion on the subject.

I think Thaed’s advice would be the most productive if you took it. Taking the time to discover what you want and need from each other and developing it might be your “next level”.

po0k

I recommend against it.

Also, 'Troll tbh'.

Zombrex

flogen wrote:

1/10 times? what brand do you use?!

Durex

They have a physical fail rate of 2.5% - 5% (meaning if used totally correctly the condom will actually fail 5 times out of 100) ... when add to that the normal likely hood that the condom will slip/rip or be put on wrong, the average likelyhood of a condom to expose the wearer while using the condom is about 1 /10 (source www.unaids.org)

If you are very careful this is obviously lower, but who is very careful these days. When was the last time you stopped to check the condom is still ok during sex. Even if you notice it has slipped down, you have still exposed yourself to a potential STD.

Sigh ... we need better sex education in Ireland ... people still believe that slip a condom on and they are totally protected ... it is why it is now called safer sex instead of safe sex, because people were believe they could do anything they wanted with anyone and they were safe aslong as they had a condom on, which is not true unfortunately.

Bri

Not to hijack the thread here but I thought the failure rate was wayyy lower. Like when those fake condoms were discovered for sale recently the failure rate quoted was 2.5%; this was 10 times the accepted failure rate. Is this different than the physical fail rate?

Zombrex

Bri wrote:

Not to hijack the thread here but I thought the failure rate was wayyy lower. Like when those fake condoms were discovered for sale recently the failure rate quoted was 2.5%; this was 10 times the accepted failure rate. Is this different than the physical fail rate?

Quick Google ....

Correct Condom usage -

http://www.14-condoms.co.uk
What is the rate of becoming pregnant when using condoms?
High quality condoms, when used consistently and correctly, provide an excellent barrier against pregnancy. Clinical trials have shown that correct and consistent use of condoms can have between 95% and 98% contraceptive efficacy rate. The success of any form of contraception depends not only on the method, but also the consistency of use.

http://www.blushingbuyer.co.uk/acatalog/Condom_Information.html
In a European study less than 2% of partners of people that had AIDS contracted the disease when the couple used condoms regularly and correctly.

Real World Condom Usage -

http://www.blushingbuyer.co.uk/acatalog/Condom_Information.html
For regular condoms, the typical failure rate is about 12% (the rate for the Reality female condom is 21%), somewhat worse than birth control pills (8%), but better than the diaphragm (18%), withdrawal (19%) and rhythm (20%).

Don't get me wrong, everyone should use condoms, all the time. 2% risk is better than a 100% risk. But people should be at least aware that a condom is not a full proof method to prevent pregnecy or STDs.

GuanYin

Wicknight wrote:

http://www.blushingbuyer.co.uk/acatalog/Condom_Information.html
In a European study less than 2% of partners of people that had AIDS contracted the disease when the couple used condoms regularly and correctly.

Just a quick note on this bit.

As someone who worked with STI patients I can assure you that this is not a good indication of anything.

Apart from the fact the proportional sample number is quite small, you also have to take into account the demograph of those likely to accept doing a survey and more importantly the honest of the answers.

Patients lie. Often not maliciously, but its human nature.

On top of that you cant contract AIDS. YOu can contract HIV and develop AIDS. BIG difference. On top of that HIV is one of the least infective STI's and its not even the most prevalent. As such I wouldn't imagine that the 2% if very accurate either way.

neuro-praxis

Wicknight wrote:

Durex

They have a physical fail rate of 2.5% - 5% (meaning if used totally correctly the condom will actually fail 5 times out of 100)

No, you're not understanding how statistics work.

This doesn't mean that for every hundred times you have sex the condom will fail 2-5 of those times. If that was the case then most sexually vigorous couples using condoms would probably get pregnant every year.

What it actually means is that every time you have sex there is a 2-5% chance that the condom will fail. Basically you are 95-98% guaranteed that it will not fail, and those are odds to be pretty happy about.

In the same way - those statistics you posted about the pill - let's assume that an 8% failure rate is accurate. It doesn't mean (because it cannot) that 8 out of 100 times you have sex the pill will fail. What that actually means is that the pill is providing 92% success rate every time you have sex.

This is why it's called safer sex.

Sorry for digressing.

Bri

Don't apologise I think that's something that needs to be clarified for the good of all.

Zombrex

neuro-praxis wrote:

No, you're not understanding how statistics work.

This doesn't mean that for every hundred times you have sex the condom will fail 2-5 of those times. If that was the case then most sexually vigorous couples using condoms would probably get pregnant every year.

What it actually means is that every time you have sex there is a 2-5% chance that the condom will fail. Basically you are 95-98% guaranteed that it will not fail, and those are odds to be pretty happy about.

That is the same thing.

Where do you think the 2% comes from. The chances of a product breaking like this is measured over a large number of the products and looking at how many fail. So you have 100 condoms, 2 will fail, your failure rate is 2%, which just means each time you buy a condom you have a 2% chance that condom is one that will fail, or put it another way a 98% chance that your condom will be totally fine. And statistically if you got through an average batch of 100 condoms you should find 2 that fail, which is exactly how Durex came up with the 2% figure in the first place.

Every time you have sex there is 2% chance the condom is one that will fail is the same as saying if you had sex 100 times the chances are the condom failed twice. Or put it another way, if 100 people were having sex at the same time, 2 are having sex with a failed condom.

That is what the 2% means, 2% of the overall number of condoms, ie out of 100 condoms, 2 condoms. There more condoms you go through (ie the more times you have sex) the more likely you are to get to a condom that will fail.

Oh course in the real world you could be unlucky and have a condom fail your first time or you could have sex all your life and never have a condom fail. But statistically you will have a condom fail once every 50 uses.

The odds of 2% are very good if you only have sex once. But the more times you have sex the more likely you are to have sex with a condom that fails. If the odds of having a condom fail is 2% (2 out of 100) then for every 100 condoms you go through, statistically you are likely to find 2 that fail.

Oriel

Wicknight wrote:

That is the same thing.

That is what the 2% means, 2% of the overall number of condoms, ie out of 100 condoms, 2 condoms. There more condoms you go through (ie the more times you have sex) the more likely you are to get to a condom that will fail.

Actually, it's not. What it really means is if 100 women have sex every day for a year, then 2 of them will fall pregnant, on average.
I think it says that on the leaflet in the box, or somewhere like that.

S.