Self-loathing

LegacyUser

Ok so I'm not really sure where to start on this one but this is basically going to be about self-loathing(oh god this sounds so self-obsessed) and not having a clue how to snap out of it. Over the past year and a half I've become very aware of my appearance and how awful it actually is. Before I never even gave it a second thought but now when I look in a mirror all i want to do is claw my skin off and get sick. Everynight before I go to sleep I look at my face in this small mirror I keep beside my bed and I study how ugly it is, and it's the most depressing feeling amd I almost always end up physically harming myself in some way. Now it's not as if I've been bullied about my looks or anything, but on occassion I have been made very aware by other people of how unattractive I am compared to other females.I have an incredible bf and he always tells me I'm beautiful but this is so hard to believe because the girls he looks at and comment on are so incredibly stunning and perfect that it drives me crazy that I can never be like that for him. He's so into appreciating beautiful women and thats fine it's just it leaves me feeling so hollow and sick knowing that I never have been nor will I ever be what he desires appearance wise. I know this all sounds very shallow, but it's become a consuming problem. I'm finding it so difficult to let someone love me when I absolutly hate myself. I'm quite aggressive all the time now and I'm pushing everyone away.I dont know what do to anymore.

Call Me Jimmy

yeah it's like, during teenage years you think, I'm only ugly while I'm in this transitional period, and that you'll grow out of it, and then you realise one day that your ugly forever, and when the hope is gone and you look in the mirror saying "this is it" and you just wanna kill yourself, pretty terrible feeling alright

kasintahan

I think you'll find that guys outside of a relationship are very, very shallow (and most of us don't claim to be otherwise). We go after the women we perceive as beautiful.

When your boyfriend agreed to go out with you he did so because he believes you are beautiful.

Beauty is but one of a number of factors involved in interpersonal attraction, I should know, I just wrote a psychology paper on it.

Besides,
(1) physical attractiveness becomes less important once you are in a relationship.
(2) physical attractiveness is perceived differently from one person to another.
(3) physical attractiveness is dynamic, you can change how you look through excercise / attitude/ clothes / makeup etc

Zombienosh

I hate myself tbh........... i understand how you feel.

Gordon

Call me Jimmy, I deleted your second post. Don't post like that again please.

petes

Gordon wrote:

Call me Jimmy, I deleted your second post. Don't post like that again please.

Should have deleted his first tbh not very helpful. Think you need to realise where you are at the minute as kasintahan said your boyfriend believes your beautiful. Guys will look at other women even when in relationships, its natural, do you not look at other men and say to yourself that hes a good looking guy.

b3t4

when I look in a mirror all i want to do is claw my skin off and get sick.

Something wrong here, me thinks, what do you think??

Everynight before I go to sleep I look at my face in this small mirror I keep beside my bed and I study how ugly it is, and it's the most depressing feeling amd I almost always end up physically harming myself in some way.

Step one: Remove the mirror from beside your bed. If anyone looks at anything long enough flaws can be found.

I have an incredible bf and he always tells me I'm beautiful but this is so hard to believe

You believe that you aren't beautiful. This does not mean that you are ugly. It is just how you see yourself. In your boyfriends opinion you are beautiful and you have to learn to respect his opinion. When you start to believe that you are beautiful for who you are, I can guarantee you that other people will pick up on this. You spoke about how other people have said how you weren't as attractive as other females, is there any chance that they were picking up this negative attitude about you from yourself??

the girls he looks at and comment on are so incredibly stunning and perfect that it drives me crazy that I can never be like that for him.

When did he ask you to change into one of those girls?? I can guarantee if your boyfriend wasn't happy he wouldn't be with you, it's as simple as that.

it leaves me feeling so hollow and sick

Your boyfriend is human and will look at other females and will comment, boys are like that Jee's even girls are like that. I know myself that I can appreicate a good looking woman. If it is really upsetting you I would have a short chat with your boyfriend and explain to him how you're feeling and that if he could possible tone it down a bit till you get yourself some help.

I dont know what do to anymore.

Well, I for one know what you need to do and that is to go see a counsellor. They will help you find out where all this negativity towards yourself stems from. Maybe you even know yourself but haven't realised it.

A.

Zombrex

Unreg for this wrote:

Everynight before I go to sleep I look at my face in this small mirror I keep beside my bed and I study how ugly it is, and it's the most depressing feeling amd I almost always end up physically harming myself in some way.

First things first, "ugly" is totally subjective. You don't view yourself in the same way others view you. You like in the mirror and see a pimple on your nose that if a hundred people passed you they wouldn't notice. Also how other people see you attractive wise is so connected to how you talk, act and move around them , all things you don't see yourself when you look in the mirror. WHat you see in the mirror is not what anyone else sees when they look at you.

Secondly, I very much doubt you are seeing an ugly person in the mirror because you are actually very unattractive. This sounds far more likely a body image / depression problem. Your physical attractiveness has nothing to do with this, it is in your head, especially if you are feeling like doing self harm to yourself.

99% of how we view attractiveness is not to do with physical attributes but to do with our own mental image of attractiveness. That is why 10 years ago Pam Anderson was what every woman wanted to look like, not it is what every woman doesn't want to look like. She hasn't changed, but the idea of what is attractive has.

Likewise how you feel about your body is controlled by your moods and a mental picture in your head, and very little by what you actually see in the mirror. That is why it is all too easy for people who are depressed or under stress to start viewing themselves as very unattractive. You could be Britney Spears (on a good day) and still think you look really ugly because you are depressed and having problems with your body image, not because you are ugly.

My advice to you is to see a councilor. If you are in college you probably have a free councilor on campus. If not there are a number of support groups that could put you in contact with a local one. http://www.aware.ie would be a good place to start.

combs

You may have a certain condition... I can't remember its name... It's a mental condition where one is consumed with the perceived hideousness of one's appearance. Some even try to involve themselves in disfiguring car accidents, thinking that the ensuing corrective plastic surgery is sure to improve their looks. Look it up.

lucid

combs wrote:

You may have a certain condition... I can't remember its name... It's a mental condition where one is consumed with the perceived hideousness of one's appearance. Some even try to involve themselves in disfiguring car accidents, thinking that the ensuing corrective plastic surgery is sure to improve their looks. Look it up.

Body Dismorphic Disorder?

combs

Aye, I think that's the one.

LegacyUser

I looked up body dismorphic disorder and thats definatly not whats going on with me. I don't fixate on a specific part of my body and thats what that disorder seems to describe. What i'm feeling is more to do with being disgusted with my appearance but also hating who I am as a person. The odd thing is some of you have said that maybe people percieve me as ugly because of the vibes I give off, but you see I'm actually quite confident and a very sociable person. No one has any idea whats going on with me. These bouts of depression usually occur when I'm at home at night. I do appreciate the advice. A councilor is possibly the only way to go on this one, but its proving quite difficult to get up the courage to go to one.

Zombrex

Unreg for this wrote:

IA councilor is possibly the only way to go on this one, but its proving quite difficult to get up the courage to go to one.

It is nothing to be ashamed of ... everyone goes to a councilor these days ... it has got to the stage where if you don't then that it probably a sign something is wrong, like people who never go to the doctor and then find out they have 101 things wrong with them that they were just ignoring.

anyway, I hope things work out for you

Sangre

Wicknight wrote:

It is nothing to be ashamed of ... everyone goes to a councilor these days ... it has got to the stage where if you don't then that it probably a sign something is wrong

Don't be stupid.

MojoMaker

Although it may not appear immediately obvious there is some truth in what he says Sangre. It takes great awareness and courage to admit everything ain't rosy and actually take a step towards doing something about it. Every human alive has psychological issues of one sort or another, sadly a lot of people never contemplate the immense healing and benefits offered by psychological address. Ireland wouldn't be such a fcuked up country if we could all learn how to manage our feelings and have a more spiritual focus to our lives, and by that I don't mean religion in any shape or form, but getting in touch with one's own spirit and recognising what actually drives us personally forward in this life. Pschotherapy is certainly one avenue to finding out more about yourself and usually (sadly not always) leads to a higher level of self-awareness.

To dismiss the suggestion that psychotherapy wouldn't have benefits for virtually everyone is frankly quite naive.

Sangre

So its naive that I don't believe that not going to a counsellor is a sign that I must have some pyschological afflication?

Har. har. haraaaah.

MojoMaker

That's why I said some truth. I understood what Wicknight meant even if he didn't say it terribly well. Everyone can benefit from it at various stages in their lives and it should not be something that is considered only for people that appear to exhibit symptoms of "having a problem". Often the people that see the inherent value in counselling/psychotherapy are in many ways more enlightened than folk that instantly dismiss it as being only for the disaffected or the "crazy". That would constitute a very naive perspective, although one that is quite common in this country, sadly.

Zombrex

MojoMaker wrote:

I understood what Wicknight meant even if he didn't say it terribly well.

What I meant was to try and get this poor girl to see that she needs to see a councilor and that there is nothing wrong with doing so, nothing to be ashamed of, everyone is doing it these days, and people who refuse to see councilors are normally the ones that need to see one the most.

Sangre if you have nothing constructive to say to help the OP maybe you shouldn't comment This isn't Humanities.

Gordon

Sangre please explain your statement or I'm considering that a personal insult.

solas

sounds like its just a case of low self esteem.
You dont say how old you are, but I think its a common situation that young adults face, whether its comparing their social skills or their appearance with their peer group.

call me Jimmy wrote:

yeah it's like, during teenage years you think, I'm only ugly while I'm in this transitional period, and that you'll grow out of it, and then you realise one day that your ugly forever, and when the hope is gone and you look in the mirror saying "this is it" and you just wanna kill yourself, pretty terrible feeling alright

I wouldn't pay much attnetion to posts like this, in fact its usually the contrary. Once you "grow up" you stop fixating on looks and funnily enough when that happens, and you become more comfortable with yourself, that will become more apparant and you'll probably find that your not so bad afterall!

If its a skin condition your suffering from there are many products and treatments available out there now, most of them not too expensive and usually give great results.
If you are suffering from low self esteem, perhaps a counsellor could help you regain focus, but I would advise you to speak with your doctor first. He might be able to recommend a resolution with regard to skincare or treatment for outward appearances first, which if required should boost your confdence. If its the cause of depression, resolving the root problem is the best way to go about dealing with it.

Talk to your GP.

Sangre

I said his point of view was stupid. I don't see why it needs clarification.
This may not Humanities but I still think I can point out stupid advice/reasoning when I see it.

gubby

right on!!

Gordon

Please do point it out, but posting one liners like "Don't be stupid" isn't helpful, if you want to point out flaws in someones statements I expect you to put a bit of effort into explaining, I don't see "Don't be stupid" as valid advice, it's a personal insult and a statement of your belief that has not been elaborated, when it should have been.

Sangre, I appreciate your wisdom on many matters, I'm surprised at your lack of it in this case. My previous post was a warning, please PM me if you wish to discuss this more as this thread is going off topic now.

uum

Always always look on the brightside.
you have a partner. thats more than alot of good looking, out going males and females can say.
who says you are ugly? You do. almost Everyone is their own worst critic. go easy on yourself. im the ugliest fella going but i dont tell myself this. i tell myself im fit and intelligent and have a lot going for me. it helps a lot. throw out the mirror
Look after yourself. i get the impression you have acne? if you do get it sorted by a derm and watch ouy for roacccutane and its depression
if you are overweight- work at that. the fitness section is a good place to start.
Never ever hurt yourself. i used to and its a slippery slope bigtime. at the end of it is a noose. ive been there.
If it ever gets too much for christs sake say it to your boyfriend. do anything but dont bottle it up.
Always think there are ppl worse off than yourself and there are many. everyone gets bad days or bad weeks. you'll pull through and in time you'll laugh at this i promise

LegacyUser

No I don't have acne and i'm certainly not overweight. And I do realise that there are people in a much worse postion than me...and I guess thats why I find it so hard to understand. It would appear that I have no reason for feeling like this yet I can't control it. I'm a glutton for self punishment and I can find a good reason for doing it each time. The mere fact that I even give this so much thought is so self obsessed in itself that gives me reason enough for such punishing, hatred of myself etc. Looking in the mirror and seeing this hideous face starting back is only the tip of the iceberg as far as my opinion of myself is concerned. When I posted here I'm not sure what I really expected to achieve, I already knew I should possibly see a councilor but to be honest I doubt I will end up doing so, and not really because I'd find it hard to take that step anymore but more because the thought of spending an hour talking about myself is quite sickening.

MojoMaker

I think you have a confused perspective on what counselling actually involves. No counsellor is going to demand you spend an hour talking about yourself, in fact in the early sessions quite the opposite. Their job is primarily to make you feel comfortable and to gently build the channels through which communication may commence. It really is a very stress-free experience and for most people it is incredibly liberating. I strongly recommend you arrange a consultation and participate with an open mind. Through your expression here it sounds to me like you are in strong need for a non-judgemental dialogue with someone from outside your family or social circle.

There is no silver bullet or magic wand involved I'm sorry to say, and a point won't just materialise where suddenly everything's hunky dory, but I cannot stress enough how important the process is and just how tangible the benefits can be. Mark my words, after just one hour with a trained counsellor (assuming you approach with a truly open mind and don't try to resent the experience) you will feel a difference. Even if it turns out to be a 60 minute cry, it will make a huge difference. Nobody judges, nobody offloads questionable advice, nobody tries to steer you in 'their' direction. It's two humans compassionately talking and building trust.

Please go for it.

b3t4

Unreg for this wrote:

I'd find it hard to take that step anymore but more because the thought of spending an hour talking about myself is quite sickening.

As MojoMaker said you don't have to spend an hour talking about yourself. The counsellor won't even force you to stay for the hour if you don't want to. You may leave the session at a time of your choosing with in the hour. There is absolutely no pressure on you to either talk about things you don't want to talk about or stay in the company of someone when you really don't want to talk.

I can appreciate how hard it is to get up the courage to go to a counsellor. It took me 4yrs to go back to couselling. I'm very glad that I finally worked up the courage to go see one again.

Why not try it once and after that, if you don't like it, then diss it.

A.

Victor

So you can acknowledge to yourself that you might be being shallow. Its a start. But that actually needs to sink in. You actually need to accept that shallow is well, shallow, and you need to move on. Yeah beautiful people have a certain attraction, but to be honest I much prefer a nice smile and someone who takes the times to say "hi" over someone with a pretty face and a sole sole of semi-detached braincells.

Now that said, you seem to be over-concentrating on your looks, this is either a real problem or a real-to-you problem. Based on the conversation so far, it seems to be the latter. In either case, perhaps a chat with someone independent may help.

Counselling is one route that people have suggested, it's no magic cure, then agin, nothing is. It might however help you find yourself.

Victor

Oh, you don't seem to actually say why you feel ugly - spots, scars, etc. Care to fill us in?

From the mod with the bad hair cut, spectacles, christmas jumpers, asymmetic pizza belly ...

LegacyUser

no scars, no spots....like I said my appearance is only the tip of the ice-berg. It's ok though i'll deal with it in some way or another.

LegacyUser

To the OP:

It sounds as though you are suffering with what I suffer with - Body Dysmorphic Disorder (or BDD). This is a psychological condition where you find yourself physically repulsive - finding any reflective surfaces and photographs very upsetting. I have been physically ill looking at photographs of myself.

I know that nothing anybody says to you about how you look will affect how you feel about yourself.

See a counseller - somebody specialised, preferably. There are reasons that you feel this way that are UNCONNECTED TO YOUR APPEARANCE.

For me, my mother had on several occasions called me ugly and compared me unfavourably to my sisters and cousins. This is not the only factor - but situations such as these become distorted in the memory and our entire self worth can become about how others see us.

Here is my advice to you.

1) See a counseller. This person can do two things - provide "sticking plasters" - that is, coping mechanisms so you can get through the day better

2) Make the most of your appearance. You probably comfort eat or starve yourself. Get into a healthy eating plan and fill up on good foods. Start exercising several times a week. Spend money on yourself. Get your hair done, buy well fitting clothes and wear a little make up. You have probably reached the point where you don't take care of yourself at all, and that makes things worse.

3) Stop your mirror habit. Only look in the mirror when absolutely necessary.

4) Stop the comparisons. Stop saying "I am the ugliest person in this room".

Fact is - you are quite obviously attractive because you have a committed boyfriend. If you were unattractive he would not stay.

Good luck. There is a way out.

b3t4

Victor wrote:

Oh, you don't seem to actually say why you feel ugly - spots, scars, etc. Care to fill us in?.

Somebody doesn't have to have anything physical that makes them feel ugly. It's a feeling that comes from inside them. No matter how beautiful a person is to other people it is irrelavent, the person themselves see's something else.

I have felt like the OP in the past and can totally understand where they are coming from. I get told from a number of people in my life that I am beautiful, gorgeous, blah, blah and I never believe a word of it. I am working through all this at counselling. OP if you want a chat feel free to PM me.

A.

Gracie_05

Agree with b3t4 here.

I went through a mild eating disorder when I was young.
I was going through a phase of depression, and got it into my head that I needed to lose weight, that I would then feel better and more confident, when in fact there was nothing whatsoever wrong with my figure. Even as the lb's were falling fast, and I must have been looking unwell, I was under the delusion that I looked better!

My point is(as others have already pointed out) that how you perceive yourself on the outside is directly related to your self-esteem - this is what you need to work on.
What you are doing is self-perpetuating. You have to change your behaviour and thinking-patterns, maybe begin by reading some self-help books, if you are not ready to benefit from counceling. Have a browse on amazon.com, and you should find something that's recommended by other readers.

The pressures on women, especially young women these days to buy into the culture of beauty, fashion, dieting, cosmetic surgery etc. can be overwhelming. Especially if you spend much time watching tv(like that horrible program, The Swan, for example), reading magazines etc. with all these stunning looking(heavily made up/airbrushed) women.
If this is part of the problem, just imagine what these same women look like with no makeup on/no photoshop done on magazine images, wrinkles, scars airbrushed out etc. Most of them would just look ordinary, just like you or me first thing in the morning.

Anyway, best of luck. Oh, and you can PM me too if you want to talk more privately.

LegacyUser

I've spent the past few days going over things and i've talked to my bf about whats been happening with me and he advised me against going to see someone as it would possibly be wasting their time and prevent someone with real problems getting help ...and to be honest I agree with him. I appreciate everyones advice and to be honest just getting it out of my head here was a help.

thanks

MojoMaker

Do you want an end to this once and for all or will you be content to spend your whole life avoiding reflective surfaces everywhere you go?

What do you think constitutes a 'real problem'? I'd urge you to reconsider and not bow to negative pressure from people close to you. It's your own life you're trying to liberate remember and what you have [so passionately] described earlier needs real attention.

Victor

Unreg for this wrote:

I've spent the past few days going over things and i've talked to my bf about whats been happening with me and he advised me against going to see someone as it would possibly be wasting their time and prevent someone with real problems getting help

WTF?

You will not be preventing someone else from getting help. Does having dinner mean someone else must go without?

The test as to whether you have a problem would be does it stop you from being functional? Comments like "but now when I look in a mirror all i want to do is claw my skin off and get sick" would seemt o indicte that it is causing you problems. Perhaps talking to someone independent might be good.

neuro-praxis

Omg, your boyfriend sounds completely unhealthy and unsupportive.

What you have described are *very real problems*!!

b3t4

Unreg for this wrote:

he advised me against going to see someone as it would possibly be wasting their time and prevent someone with real problems getting help ...and to be honest I agree with him.

Now, when and where did your boyfriend get his qualification in this area????

Go talk to a *professional* let them do the deciding on whether you need help or not!! Just go once and see from there.

If you had a broken leg, would you believe your boyfriend if he said "well sure there is nothing wrong with you, sure you don't have a real problem at all". While at the same time you are limping around and in an extreme amount of pain. Whats going on for you is causing you pain and it isn't nice is it?

And how on earth would you prevent someone else from getting help, honestly girly, that's just ludicrous.

Please go see a counsellor. They are very nice people and you will not be wasting their time. You know in you heart of hearts that something is wrong, that is what your instinct is telling you. Please go get help from the professionals out there.

For a brief while some years ago I believed that my problems were nothing that I would be wasting the time of counsellors. When I went to a counsellor it turned out that I was daft to be even thinging that way.

This is only another way of putting yourself down. Please see this kind of attitude for the negative thing it is. And I will say again please go to a counsellor.

A.

Dinxminx

1. Take the mirror away from beside your bed.
2. Even on normal days when you're just slouching around, dress up so that you feel good about yourself.
3. Get a councellor.
4. Keep reminding yourself of the very true fact that if your boyfriend is into appreciating beautiful girls and he's with you, then that means you are beautiful.

Hope this helps.