Jon Bon Jovi FACTS!

Giblet

So I've decided this forum doesn't have enough Bon Jovi appreciation, and decided to make a thread telling you about how awesome Bon Jovi is.

- Bon Jovi is like 40 now and still sleeping with 20 year olds. Awesome.

- Bon Jovi may or may not have a space between Bon and Jovi

- Bon Jovi once gouged out roadie's eyes with his thumbs

-Real name: John Francis Bongiovi. Make fun of his middle name and he'll **** you up. The purpose of Bon Jovi is to flip out and kill people.

-Jon Bon Jovi is also available for weddings, birthday parties, and bar mitzvahs.

-Jon Bon Jovi once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming down the road.

-He started up a prison band and is touring most prisons. He also escaped once by chewing through the brick walls IN A SINGLE NIGHT and then carried over thirty people out through the hole at once.

He wasn't recaptured, he turned himself in because he promised his cellmate he would play for him and Bon Jovi NEVER misses a gig.

-In 1986 Bon Jovi f*cked a groupie and got her boyfriend pregnant. That is how manly he is.

-Bon Jovi has the original Shraud of Turin in his home, not on display but on his bed.

-Not only does Bon Jovi's **** not stink, it's also composed entirely of sugar-coated candy sprinkles.

-In Asia, Jon Bon Jovi is hunted for his fine horn, which is then ground up and sold as an aphrodisiac.

-The true form of Jon Bon Jovi is far too much for any mortal to see and live.

-Jon Bon Jovi has a blood-fued with every member of Rush.

And he plans on killing Phil Collins with a motherf*cking SPEAR!

-Looking at an early manuscript dating to times long before the dead sea scrolls, shows that the word used for "creator" and "god" does in fact translate to Bon Jovi.

-In countries in the early medivial era, Jon Bon Jovi had the right to sleep with any young virgin the eve before her wedding.

It was called, the Rite of Jon.

-The line from "Dead or Alive" says "I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all". Not true! JBJ has seen billions of faces, and has a %150 faces-rocked ratio, meaning he has rocked more faces than he has seen.

-Whatever you do, do not go into your bathroom tonight and turn off all the lights and say "Bon Jovi" 13 times into the mirror. This will summon the vengeful spirit of Bon Jovi and he will play a wicked guitar solo right into your ear that has made some go insane.

-Every December 24th, Bon Jovi flies around the world with a space ship on loan from Boston and delivers rock to all the boys and girls. Good girls get a power ballad. Good boys get hair extensions. Bad children get actual rocks.

-Bon Jovi once rode a steel horse across the equator, twice.

-Bon Jovi once saved a schoolbus full of children when their bus stalled on railroad tracks by picking the bus up and gently placing it down safely away from said tracks. As he walked away, a single tear could be seen running down his cheek.

-Bon Jovi played a show in Thailand in the late 80s and one night Jon Bon Jovi wandered into the back room of a bar where there was a game of Russian Roulette in progress, a bunch of guys sitting around a table passing the revolver.

The guy who owns the place (who is watching the game from the corner, taking bets) doesn't like the foreigner wandering in like that, and demands Bon Jovi is put in the game. Everybody gets all quiet because it turns out five guys have already pulled the trigger onto an empty chamber, and Bon Jovi is next in the rotation. He put the gun in the mouth, squeezed the trigger, and it misfired.

-Bon Jovi has a dog made out of Hitler.

-JBJ once heard that water swirls down the drain the opposite way in the Southern Hemisphere. So he conducted experiments with a sort of supertoilet--perfectly balanced on the equator--and was able to produce antimatter from the process. Then he wrote a song about it.

-Freddie Mercury was walking offstage from a gig one night to the noise of the roaring crowd. A young man stopped him as he walked down the stage.

"Fred," this man said, his eyes silently pleading. "You should stay home tonight."

Thinking this man was a crazed fan, Mercury shoved him away, but the man grabbed on to his arm and held it tight.

"Freddie, you really, really should stay home tonight," the man said. His lips were trembling and a tiny tear was welling up in his left eye.

Freddie Mercury called for the bouncers to drag this person away. Later on that night, he ended up contracting the AIDs virus from an infected sexual partner.

Friends, the man after the gig was a young Jon Bon Jovi. If Freddie Mercury had heeded his warnings, Queen would still be rocking us today

-Jon Bon Jovi was surgically separated from his conjoined twin brother at the age of 12. The twin, as tragically hideous as Jon is angelically beautiful, died on the table and was later cast inside the plaster frontispiece to Jon's summer home on the Riviera.

-Out of deference to the world's Muslim population, Jon has never appeared shirtless on camera, because the enormous scar on his abdomen spells out the true name of God in Arabic.

-Jon was the original lead singer for the Jackson 5, but had to be replaced by a hastily-adopted orphan named Michael because the blackface makeup irritated his sensitive skin.

-Jon donated a kidney to one of the police officers pulled from the rubble of the World Trade Center after 9-11. Whose kidney it was, sadly, remains unknown.

-In his autobiography, Richie Sambora has alleged Jon was the person responsible for tattooing the kanji characters for "small wonder" onto former Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach's penis.

-Bon Jovi once fought in Vietnam and saved over 20 people from a mortar blast, one of which was his Lieutenant. He also became the worlds No.1 ping pong player and played people from all over the world. Later, he formed a shrimp company with the Lieutenant he saved in the war and became a millionare. He then ran back and forth across America numerous times.
He married Jenny and then she died of aids.

He then formed Bon Jovi in her honour.

joejoem

What the hell is that about?

Maximilian

Genius. Loved this one:

-Bon Jovi has a dog made out of Hitler.

WizZard

You spelled "shroud" wrong!* otherwise some funny bits

*Spelling & Grammar Nazi

Goodshape

Very good

-Not only does Bon Jovi's **** not stink, it's also composed entirely of sugar-coated candy sprinkles.

^^ROFLMFAO^^

Megatron

Ahh now that really put a smile on my face .

Fave is " He once roade a iron horse arcous the equator .. twice 2

open_book

punched a hole in a cow to see who was coming down the road!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brilliant!!!!! bon jovi can suck my dick what a ****!!

Cake Fiend

open_book wrote:

bon jovi can suck my dick what a ****!!

The irony of this post is almost as funny as the Hitler dog!

Trip Hazard

Thats Just GENIUS, Random as ever But Very Very Funny I lOVE IT!!!!!!!!

kmart6

Definatly worth a read

open_book

Quote:
Originally Posted by open_book
bon jovi can suck my dick what a ****!!



The irony of this post is almost as funny as the Hitler dog!

I obviously did this on purpose...

Capt'n Midnight

Giblet wrote:

-Out of deference to the world's Muslim population, Jon has never appeared shirtless on camera, because the enormous scar on his abdomen spells out the true name of God in Arabic

.

Cake Fiend

Adult content:

http://www.neilswaab.com/comics/wiggles/images/rehab144.jpg

Geranium

Ba ha ha ha ha....excellente compadre.

JimboPope

This sounds like the saturday night live bill brasky skeyches, and i quote:

"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky'
... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting?
Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?'
On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive?
He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks then iron man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."

Capt'n Midnight

JimboPope wrote:

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting?
Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle.

kinda wondering why they wern't on anymore

Giblet

I've only seen SNL were half of that list appeared

TomTom

I cried

Drummer

That wasnt funny - ?!

Airwaves

haha good stuff