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Number 17

  • 23-03-2005 1:07pm
    #1
    Plunky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 975 ✭✭✭


    Okay this is the 1st time I've posted here. I don't title my poems, rather I number them. And I haven't written in over a year, but I dunno, I guess I'd like to get some real opinions on them - not just "ooh that's pretty" but real discussion stuff on 'em!.. So here's Number 17...


    Looking onto the snow
    He turns away
    Hoping if he does
    He won’t have to pay
    Attention to the pain
    That’s killing him internally
    Wishing that his departure
    Would forever be delayed.
    The two girls by him,
    Faces wet with tears,
    Know the chances are,
    It will end up being years
    Till their three paths cross again.
    They stand in silence, the three,
    For no words of this world
    Could do justice to the sense
    Of utter lack of want
    For the existence that they face.
    His companions stand and watch
    As he takes his first steps away
    They stand and watch him go
    Until no trace is left to see.
    And then they turn their heads,
    And bodies take their turn
    As empty shells they walk
    Away from the pain and hurt.


Comments

  • #2
    MojoMaker
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,930 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    I didn't like it...then I read it twice and three times and it got better. I like surprises, and this was a kinder egg. Not perfect but definitely worth unwrapping. :)

    Could benefit from breaking it at certain points I think. The first eight work, the last eight work (well), the middle ten didn't flow as smoothly for me. The meter builds, breaks, and builds again, which is why I think I had trouble with it the first time around.

    Lines fourteen, nineteen, and twentyone stand out. They shouldn't. Once again a personal observation - they may work ok for others.

    Have you put any of poems 1-16 here before btw?


  • #3
    flogen
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 10,247 Mod ✭✭✭✭flogen


    interesting piece, although I would suggest that you pay a little bit less attention to rhymes and just let the piece flow more.
    these lines here:
    "He won’t have to pay
    Attention to the pain"
    shouldn't really be split like that, it didn't help the flow of the piece (I know you were trying to get a rhyme, or at least it seems that way, but the sentence as a whole makes it easier to read through)

    flogen


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