Obsessive Jealousy Wrecking Things

i_should_go_go

HELP!

I've been with my fella now almost 2 yrs.
He's completely perfect in just about every way.
He's never cheated on me or anyone else he's been with.
He appears to worship the ground i walk on & manages to put up with all the bizzare things i do o so often.

The problem is that i can't seem to manage to get the images of him with his ex's & 1 nighters out of my head!
It's unhealthy & really unpleasant (4both of us)!
It's making me miserable & interferring with all sorts.

Anytime things aren't earth-moving in the bedroom, i keep obsessing over how things must've been better with these other women. (&there's been a fair few)

I've even consented to doing things i wouldn't even dream of doing in any other circumstances, just because i know he's done them with some of his ex's.
& I end up feeling really horrible about myself after, but daren't tell him because he'd feel awful that i'm feeling awful (he's such a nice guy!).

I've briefly considered counselling but i would be able to actuallu *talk* to anyone face to face & i'd totally clam up.

I'm totally confident with strangers, just totally lose my bottle when it comes to people i'm close to & know me pretty much inside-out.

Anyone any experience with medication or herbal remedies to calm these nerves?

HELP!

WhiteWashMan

PM me with those images.
you can talk to me in confidence.

Gordon

This is not a forum for prescribing medication.

Pills are not a magical cure-all thing in life. Your insecurities can be reduced if you talk to him. Talking is not a thing you should feel bad to do, especially if you are feeling bad without talking about it.

The relay of information has started by you conversing on this message board, make the next step and converse with the nice boyfriend.

tinkerbell

Why are you so hung up about your boyfriend's exs? They are his EXs for a reason. If he wanted what he did / had with one of his ex-girls, he wouldn't be with you for two years. He obviously likes you for what you are.

Be yourself. Don't do things you are uncomfortable with. You should be able to talk to him about stuff at this stage, if not - then it's a big problem if you've been going out for two years and cannot communicate.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

chump

You just need time.

And you need to stop worrying about thinking about these things... if you think about them, fair enough, but then don't beat yourself up for thinking about them, because then you'll spend as much time thinking about not thinking about them, which won't work...

So, cut down worrying because you DO think of them and that will cut the thinking in half, and eventually all thoughts will fade, and in a few years yall laff at yourself for being so caught up with such trivial things

DArcy

Don't measure yourself up to his ex girlfriends. He's with you because he likes you (as you say, he worships the ground you walk on). Exes are exes for good reasons.

You shouldn't try to be what they were. It seems to me that you're lacking in confidence in some ways. Be yourself. Don't do things you don't want to do. & if he breaks up with you because you wouldn't do the things his ex did, then he's a stupid idiot, & you're better off without people like that.

I'm sure if you talk to him, he'll put your mind at rest. Have some faith in yourself!!!

galwaydude18

Talk to him! Thats probably one of the most important things in a relationship! Communication is the key to a successful and long lasting relationship (hopefully for life!)

i_should_go_go

Thanks for all the advice guys.

The truth of the matter is that i *do* talk to him about these things & it upsets him greatly & doesn't really help me that much either.

I only know about what he's done in the past because we were mates for a fair bit before we hooked up & we talked an awful lot during that period & i got to know a fair few of his ex's & previous 1 nighters.
I've no problem with the 1's he can't stand or who he dumped, it's the 1's he's still really close to & who've dumped him that i fixate on.

If he thought i had done something in bed that i wasn't 100% sure in he'd be so freaked to touch me in case i didn't like it, he wouldn't come near me for months!!
Also a fair degree of trust'd be lost & he'd hate himself for it when it's not his fault in the slightest.
I do those things because i'd hate to think of him 'going without' or worse still thinking of past experiences that he's enjoyed far more with other people when he's with me.

Sorry to be such a moany contradictory bit(h about things, you'd be surprised at how sure of my self i am in most other situations!

ps. sorry for askin so blatently about the meds, i know this isn't a medical forum & it's bad news to take too much praise for drugs to heart over the net, was just hopin someone else had been in a situation similar & found a nice easy solution.
somehow i'd prefer this to me a medical problem than a psychological one. ;o)

KlodaX

I know I probably shouldn't say this .... at the risk of being banned ... but you sound like the girlfriend of the guy in the other jealousy PI thread.

If you are ... or even if you aren't ... it might be nice to see the other perspective .. you should have a read of that thread.

Does your man still hang out with his ex?

Beruthiel

i_should_go_go wrote:

sorry for askin so blatently about the meds, i know this isn't a medical forum & it's bad news to take too much praise for drugs to heart over the net, was just hopin someone else had been in a situation similar & found a nice easy solution

this is real life, there are no nice easy solutions and you certainly won't find them in drugs.
If you can't get your head around your b/f's ex's then why not talk to a professional?
Quit thinking so much and just enjoy what you have without trying to find reasons why it will never be perfect, all you are doing in the end is destroying what you have. I say that because if my b/f was to continue going on about my ex's I'd have to tell him where to get off.

i_should_go_go

KlodaX wrote:

I know I probably shouldn't say this .... at the risk of being banned ... but you sound like the girlfriend of the guy in the other jealousy PI thread.

If you are ... or even if you aren't ... it might be nice to see the other perspective .. you should have a read of that thread.

Does your man still hang out with his ex?

I'm not (that would be too strange, even for me).
He's still really close to some of his ex's & it would be completely unfair of me to ask him to limit his contact with them (although he has stopped seeing them as much recentlywithout really making a big point about it).

I know how awful it is to live with a jealous psycho-a-like from past experience & i know that it's awful & very awkward when you're trying to save the other person's feelings.
that's why i'm reluctant to talk *too* much about these things.

KlodaX

You seem to be jealous for sexual reasons. You have been together 2 years. Maybe more than his previous exs? Try re-assuring yourself with the fact that he really likes you, focus on your good points when you get jealous. Don't turn yourself off the sex by doing things you don't want to.

The Corinthian

So, have you always had problems getting the acceptance of your father or was this only in childhood?

Beruthiel

that is not a helpful comment TC :mad:
B

The Corinthian

Beruthiel wrote:

that is not a helpful comment TC :mad:

Just trying to get at the root of her problems so that she may better address them. Personal amusement is simply a secondary consideration.

pickarooney

i_should_go_go wrote:

Also a fair degree of trust'd be lost & he'd hate himself for it when it's not his fault in the slightest.

Whose trust? Your jealousy, your discomfort with him in sexual matters and the fact you won't tell him the real reason for this discomfort suggest you don't have a lot in him (or men in general, I don't think TC was only having a laugh).

Kell

i_should_go_go wrote:

The truth of the matter is that i *do* talk to him about these things & it upsets him greatly & doesn't really help me that much either.

Upset him how? That you dont seem to be trusting him? At the end of the day if he is completely open with you about his dealings with ex's etc then realistically what is the problem? If he was of the "erm, I was out with a... erm mate, yes thats it" variety, then maybe you have cause for concern. You have been with him for 2yrs so obviously he is sexually happy with you. No one in their right mind stays around that long if the sex is crap.

Also, on that topic, really dont do anything you dont want to do anything in bed, dont. No point in you wandering around feeling dirty for someone elses benefit. Relationships are supposed to complement eachother not have one party override the other.

TC, I dont think she has a father complex. Doesnt smack of it at all.

K-

The Corinthian

Kell wrote:

You have been with him for 2yrs so obviously he is sexually happy with you. No one in their right mind stays around that long if the sex is crap.

Ahem...

Amz

The Corinthian wrote:

Ahem...

Oh dear ...

LegacyUser

i_should_go_go wrote:

I've no problem with the 1's he can't stand or who he dumped, it's the 1's he's still really close to & who've dumped him that i fixate on.

First: the good news. This is a completely natural feeling. I've read lots of articles and advise columns about feeling this way. If a guy is friends with an ex who dumped him, unless his girlfriend has unbelievable confidence there will be a part of her that is made insecure about it.

A part of you probably wonders about how broken hearted he was, if the reason he stayed friends with her is because he wanted to get back together with her, if he still feels that way.

Second: the bad news. The only way to get over this is to make yourself. Talking to him won't really help at this point, he knows how you feel and he isn't the one causing your pain. In fact, he probably feels that you don't trust him which will make him feel worse. You say he has reduced his contact with his exes, he may end up resenting you for this & he is probably sick of hearing how much you hate it.

I have been where you are and it nearly tore my relationship apart. (not with the sex part, I've always been confident about that). But I was always obsessed with those exes, about one in particular. I felt that deep down he still pined for her a bit & I felt that she pitied/resented me as she still believed that he pined for her. I had no grounds for this, it's just what my mind came up with. At first my boyfriend tried to understand, then he got hurt & p****d off, then he alternated a bit between the 3.

Eventually after the biggest argument we ever had about it I decided that this was my problem not his. I stopped telling him that I had a problem and used to talk to one of my friends who had similar ex issues in her relationship. We would rant about it on email and phone and most importantly we joked about it. And faster than I would have imagined it stopped being a problem. I'd be lying if I said I was one 100% comfortable with the girl, but I'm maybe about 92%, which is along way from the minus a thousand I was at 10 months ago.

Unfortunately my boyfriend still feels uncomfortable about it, after over 2 years of me having a problem and telling him I'd work on it, he still isn't sure that I feel how I say or if I'm just saying it for his sake.

It's not going to be easy, but if you don't want to split up with him, you need to accept that he has exes. Then you need to decide if there is something he is doing to make you insecure other than an honest friendship with his ex. If there isn't and the problem is just in your head then you need to accept that and realise that it is up to you to make it go away. And that you really can make it go away. When the feelings rear up, laugh at them. Make them be a joke. Be friendly with his ex and remind yourself that she is just a person and not whatever you have in your head. (maybe avoid books and movies where the hero realises their ex is the one for them).

And most importantly stop doing things in bed that you don't want to do, just tell him actually you don't enjoy it that much, you tried it, you don't like it and you'd prefer not to do it anymore.

TCamen

Great post above ^^^^

A useful page I found on my 'net travels with regards jealousy of this kind is below.

Jealousy of a Past Relationship - Advice

Evil Phil

Nice Avatar.

i_should_go_go

Thanks for the thoughts everyone (especally The Corinthian, i have since spent plenty of time with my father figure & am pretty sure that by reciting a full explaination of the off-side-rule i have truely gainned his full acceptance!).

If i was to be far too honest than i'd like, i'd admit that i don't really care for sex that much & much prefer 4play with a stranger or post-coitial cuddling with my fella than penetration. So most of my insecurities in regards to sex is probably stemming from not actually being able to differentiate the good from the bad!

Again, thanks again!

Kell

The Corinthian wrote:

Ahem...

Son of a Bítch!! Your forgetting there was a lump of shiney rock attached to said femme's finger. And I wasnt in my right mind. And...........and.........and...........Rotter- I'll get you for that.

K-

Amz

(teehehe!)

Beruthiel

hahaha kell
*ahem*

now
back on topic!!
B