Breaking up after 5 years

bringitdown

Forgive me any incoherence, alcohol has been consumed.

Well as the title suggests I just broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years give or take. Or more to the point she broke up with me. The main reason being we wanted different things. I seemingly wanted to settle, marry and have kids: I won’t deny this as a long-term goal. She said she could not see herself settling with anyone, or even living with anyone i.e. me.

We’ve had our ups and downs, but lately (i.e. the last year or so) I thought we were on the straight and narrow. I’ve always have (I think) taken good care of her, always tried to show her how much I care, whether that be through gift giving or just whispering sweet nothings.

This is tough; there are 5 years of photos, memories, best friendship, pet names, silly talk, sex, etc to just leave behind.

I just don’t know. My head is saying yes this is right, she doesn’t want what you want but my heart is dying. It is literally whimpering and crying out for her. I know it will heal in time but ….

It is just so sudden, no hints, no fights, nothing… I asked was there someone else, the answer was no and I’d tend to believe that.

Thank God, Allah, Buddha, Mother Nature, whoever though for my friends and family. My Mum and mates have been great. It is so good to know that someone else loves you.

Anyway no point really to this just me seeking solace.

galwaydude18

If ye both lasted 5 years there has to be a lot of love, affection, close bonds, trust, ect. between ye so what I reckon is that ye both need to sit down in a calm manner and fix this! Did ye live together in the five years ye were going out together? maybe there is something really bothering this lady and she is afraid to tell you and hence broke it off with you even though deep down she did not mean it or mean to hurt you! Find out if there is something that is really bothering her like something that happened in her past that has sparked off a very bad memory or the likes?! worth a try if you ask me! anyone going out with each other for five years has a lot to offer each other! sure what relationship doesnt have its ups and downs? Now if there were never any downs I would like to meet the couple in that realationship!

bringitdown

I *think* I know the girl pretty well at this stage and I can see from her reasoning why she'd do this, I don't think she is hiding something from me.

I haven't posted extensive info in terms of why this has come about. Without going into too much detail she has parents who live with each other but may as well not - seperate rooms, no respect etc. Her father is for want of a better word an a**hole, a relic from male dominated Ireland. She doesn't see a future in "couples" or married life given this background and modern Ireland / divorce etc. I have constantly tried to help her deal with this situation, but she still goes back (to her "family") for more, comes back to the same conclusions and never moves on. She basically said that having given thought to it for a long while she said she cannot see herself settling with anyone ever, she'd not be able to give me or anyone that leap of faith that is sometimes required. She'd hate to end up like her mother, married to some dick and not leaving for the sake of the kids or the catholic church.

Its hard to post a balanced account, I don't want to paint her as a bitch, she has problems, as we all do.

We did live together for a period 4 years ago, but that was never planned as a long term thing, and we spent months together on the road in Australia, and I thought that would make or break the relationship. It didn't break it .... or maybe this is a delayed reaction - like a 6 month delay.

Some of this debacle doesn't add up in my mind, I feel somewhat used - hard to explain that, but I don't want to drag this out - fight for it and get hurt more, leave it try and heal and if she comes back then yay!? She has hurt me before and I think this time I am not going to fight. My head is telling me not to, but my heart has broken my resolve before.

LegacyUser

give her time, from the sounds of it she still loves you, it's just her parents relationship that is affecting her and her beliefs in her own relationships..

I think when she's on her own she may realize what she's missing, and maybe come to her senses a little.. but keep in touch with her etc etc

WhiteWashMan

i did post a large post, but i pressed the back button on my mouse and lost it all.

grrrrrr.

anyway, gist of it was that at least she is being straight with and not dragging out the relationship unnessecarily.

my only quibble is that you do not seem to have had a chance to find out what it is she want to do really, and why you can not be included in it. after all, if you did have a strong relationship that wasnt full of fights for the last year, then why you would you do anything different?

The Sweeper

Hey bringitdown - that sucks. However, the great thing is you seem to have a decent head on your shoulders, which should stand to you over the next three months.

Five years is a looooong time. And nobody throws a five year relationship away easily - for that reason, I'd say don't hang out for the hope that you'll get back together. It must have taken a lot for your ex-girlfriend to split up with you, because it's not something you do lightly after five years. The fact that she has done it means something wasn't right for her - and there's a big chance that that something won't get fixed overnight.

The first three months are the hardest after you split up with someone you've been going out with forever.

The most important thing about coming out of a long relationship is that you keep your interactions with your ex-partner very clean. Don't give in to the one-week-on lonely phonecall syndrome. If you need to meet up and talk, do it during the day in a coffee shop, not during the evening in a pub. If you're going drinking, leave your mobile phone at home, and don't accept calls or texts from her if you think she's drunk.

You need to find out why she's decided to split up with you. You also need to approach that with the understanding that, sometimes, the only reason is that you're just not "the one". Whatever about whether or not "the one" exists, if your partner thinks they do, and you're not it, they'll never be 100% with you and you'll always be the stopgap until a potential "the one" appears on the horizon.

You're very lucky to have friends and family around you at a time like this - use their help as much as you can, and look after yourself first and foremost.

bringitdown

Cheers guys, I do feel I'm owed somewhat more of an explanation, if this has been on her mind for so long why'd she not talk to me about it etc. etc. however I don't want to take up the phone and start a shouting match... I need time before I talk to her again, so my mind / heart is a little less broken.

Sound advice on the phone thing MAJD, that has been a problem for many of my mates before.

WWM: it seems to be more of what she doesn't want to do - she is (her words) afraid, she doesn't want to lead me on, so to speak. i.e. Say she kept the status quo now but felt the same 2 years on. I guess it makes sense, just try and tell my ickle heart that.

Anyways I'm gonna try and concentrate on me for a while now, my life has literally revolved around her for a long time.... I hope I don't sound callous / uncaring, I do (obviously) love her very much.

Raskolnikov

I've been down that road before. The most important thing is to not get suckered back into the relationship. You obviously want very different things and unless she changes you don't really have a future.

uberwolf

people's backgrounds can have such an influence on their perspective on relationships. This can cause an utter sense of futility about the entire thing.

I'm not inclined to say you should try and get back, or just to leave it. If you want her back then this insecurity of hers is probably worth focusing on. If not, satisfy yourself that you'll enjoy single life for a while and when someone else come's along cool.

WhiteWashMan

bringitdown wrote:

WWM: it seems to be more of what she doesn't want to do - she is (her words) afraid, she doesn't want to lead me on, so to speak. i.e. Say she kept the status quo now but felt the same 2 years on. I guess it makes sense, just try and tell my ickle heart that.

then i think you need to really find out why it happened, not so that you have something to pin all blames on here, but so that you have something to accept.
and once you accept that these are the reasons (as stupid as some may seem, they are probably important to her) then you can close this off and move on.
finding closure after 5 years will take a long time, and until you get that closure you wont be able to have a sensible relationship with anyone.

also, and this is something i say to people who split up after long realtionships, dont mix up loneliness with love. those nights that you miss her so much you could cry, after a while, are not about love. their about feeling on your own. its about missing those things you used to do toegethr, the way you used to snuggle up, the way you used to haeva routine, they way you used to go for a walk ona sunday. whatever they are, whenyou remember them and feel pain, just remember that its only because you are missing the things you have had. its an importnat part in the love relationship, but down the line, you realise that its these things that make any relationship special. its not the person you are missing, but the little things you did together. its the loneliness of not having those things. and that is what usually drives couples back toegether after they have split up.

so stay strong. find out what you need, and start the healing process. they joy of getting drunk, remembering your freedom and chatting up other people is all good. flirt lots. it will make you feel good.
rememebr, youre a free agent now

CathyMoran

My heart goes out to the OP - I was there 2 years ago after a 5 year relationship broke up. It is good that you have your family. The first month after my split seems a haze, I moved back with my parents but essentially cried for the whole month. Something gives you strenght in the end and gives you the motivation to move on. Looking back, I would not have moaped for the month - it is tough but you need to look forward not backwards - 5 years is a long time but it would be worse if you spent longer time together and split. Resist the temptation to spend time with her unless it is at her behest. Life is strange and you never know how things will work out but they do. This situation will make you stronger.

bringitdown

WhiteWashMan wrote:

also, and this is something i say to people who split up after long realtionships, dont mix up loneliness with love. those nights that you miss her so much you could cry, after a while, are not about love. their about feeling on your own. its about missing those things you used to do toegethr, the way you used to snuggle up, the way you used to haeva routine, they way you used to go for a walk ona sunday. whatever they are, whenyou remember them and feel pain, just remember that its only because you are missing the things you have had. its an importnat part in the love relationship, but down the line, you realise that its these things that make any relationship special. its not the person you are missing, but the little things you did together. its the loneliness of not having those things. and that is what usually drives couples back toegether after they have split up.

You are spot on there WWM, sometimes you actually make sense! I'm still in a bit of shock, but it isn't affecting me as much as I expected sleeping okay etc, maybe it is just the shock. Anyway thanks for lending me your eyes / hands!

pickarooney

bringitdown, if your girlfriend were to say that she definitely didn't want children ever, how would you react? I don't know what ages you are, but there's only a certain length of time you can put it on the long finger, and the pressure can get enormous when one partner wants children and the other is totally unsure. Does she know for certain what your reaction would be? There may be all manner of reasons why she wanted out, but you don't seem to be able to put a finger on what exactly pushed her. You say she knows what she doesn't want, but unless she knows what she does want, it's hard to understand why she'd leave, if it weren't for the purely unselfish reason of leaving you with an opportunity to eventually have kids with someone else.

It's probably too late to save it at this stage, but it might help if you could get one tangible reason why it happened.

bringitdown

pickarooney wrote:

bringitdown, if your girlfriend were to say that she definitely didn't want children ever, how would you react?

Badly I guess - I would like to at least have the possibilty of that in the future so ruling it out would not be to my pleasure in the long term, so you're right there. I think she does need to sort out a lot of things, it is hard to interpret it all. She may need to do this on her own and having me there as a crutch wasn't helping so to speak. Of course I could be wrong. Anyway I will talk to her about in the future when the pain is a little less grating, I am trying not to dwell on it too much now. I have kept channels open through mutual friends but won't talk to her directly until I am ready.

As WWM said: I'm a free agent now. I'm gonna try and concentrate on that now!

katieo

i can understand your pain myself and my bf for nearly a year broke up a few weeks ago its no where near 5 years so i really cant say i no how painful it is but i understand a bit as do most people these days.he broke up wit me for no reason at all and everything was going really well at the time.i can tell you right now you'll always love her espally after 5 yrs but u'll move on.i can also she her side about not wantin to settle down ever your parents are your role models for realationships the guy/gal you go for etc my parents had a horrile divorce that lasted from i was 2 til the day my dad died when i was 17 my bro's and i went through so much pain cause we where put in the middle for so many yrs and i would never want to put my children or myself through the pain that my whole family went through so i can honestly say i cant ever see myself or any of my bro's gattin married all though i do want to have kids some day i dont ever see myself walking down the alse in a white dress after all its just a piece of paper!!

WhiteWashMan

bringitdown wrote:

You are spot on there WWM, sometimes you actually make sense!

jesus, keep it down will ya!

bringitdown wrote:

I'm still in a bit of shock, but it isn't affecting me as much as I expected sleeping okay etc, maybe it is just the shock. Anyway thanks for lending me your eyes / hands!

its like giving up smoking. its easy at first, and then it get s a little hard, and then you start to forget.
and every now and then, you get just a little pang, and then its gone.
and then even those go.

but when youa re drunk and in a pub, just have the willpower not to lite up!

WhiteWashMan

katieo wrote:

i can understand your pain myself and my bf for nearly a year broke up a few weeks ago its no where near 5 years so i really cant say i no how painful it is but i understand a bit as do most people these days.he broke up wit me for no reason at all and everything was going really well at the time.i can tell you right now you'll always love her espally after 5 yrs but u'll move on.i can also she her side about not wantin to settle down ever your parents are your role models for realationships the guy/gal you go for etc my parents had a horrile divorce that lasted from i was 2 til the day my dad died when i was 17 my bro's and i went through so much pain cause we where put in the middle for so many yrs and i would never want to put my children or myself through the pain that my whole family went through so i can honestly say i cant ever see myself or any of my bro's gattin married all though i do want to have kids some day i dont ever see myself walking down the alse in a white dress after all its just a piece of paper!!

can you use pargarpahs, full stops and rewrite this?
im sure its heartfelt and useful, but i cant be arsed to read it. sorry.

NewFrockTuesday

way to go katieo!

that should help him loads.

LegacyUser

I know what your going through - Me and my ex broke up after 5 years last yr and it is the hardest thing ive ever had to do.. But WWM is right - MOst of the time it is the things you did in the relationship that you miss and its like a knee jerk reaction to just wanna go back and do those things again.. Its only natural - both your hobbies, music taste, tv programmes - after 5 years merge to become 1 and its bloody hard to be able to still do the same things -except on your own. From a girl who knows - it will take a helluva lot longer than 3 months - theres no 'magic' period that one day you will wake up and be ok.. Over time other people will drift in and out of your life (and not lovers just friends ect) and they will have an influence on you and very slowly your ex and the things you now have in common will become a distant happy memory and you will move on - I wish u the best of luck cos i really know how you feel

Eager

Im there right now, 4yrs just down the drain. but Im a huge believer in fate, eberything for a reason. the advice here has been spot on,its ringing so many bells!

but at the end of the day, you have your friends and i know how lucky people like you and me are to have people like them to care about us and help us through it. stay busy, learn to do things that make you feel good again and enjoy your freedom.

theres someone out there that will worship you and want the same things, its just a matter of finding them. but dont be in a hurry to do it, make the most of life and when its time........they'll find you.

take care chick,
be thinking of ya

PullMyFinger!

Hey Bringitdown, I feel for ya man. Nearly 6 months on and I cant shake my feelings for the ex. Going out with mates on the beer is good in the short term ("short term" for me has been 6 months :rolleyes:) but I find when you're hungover the next day you will feel like throwing yourself in the liffey when you realise she's gone. This lifts tho and is replaced with a weird kind of numb that I dont think ever fully goes away till you meet someone else. The pangs that someone else spoke of are only ever really cured I think when you fall in love again. Heartbreak's a bitch eh?



I was actually ok 3 months on till I found out she met someone else and then the pain came back 10 times as bad so *dont* ask about what she's upto, I would try to avoid those shared friends you spoke of, tell your mates you dont want to know if they hear she's moved on (women seem to get over these things quicker if the breakup was even half mutual).

I would also maybe take on extra work or whatever to keep busy or you'll go insane thinking bout what she's upto, men seem to put our ex's in situations in our head ("is she shagging/laughing/eating/kissing her new man right now?") that are blown out of proportion.

Most importantly, as you're already doing, spend alot of time with (*good*) mates and family and as little as possible on your own (once you've done some reflecting). Id have been fcuked without one or two friends in particular.


Keep us posted and dig deep within yourself to get through this

Shilo

Hey there. I'm coming at this from the other angle and I don't know if any of it will help but it's worth a try.

I've been with someone for 10 years. I love him. I have children with him. We're even married. But we always looked at our relationship in different ways. His parents have been married since forever and my dad got married last year for the 4th time at the age of 63. I could never believe that I was getting married for life. I never saw myself as completely settled and I don't know if I ever will. That's partly to do with my parents and their influence (unitended, obviously) and partly to do with my own emotional weirdness. I can't think of anyone else I'd've ever wanted to have children with. I don't believe I was using him (I've asked myself this one a lot recently!) and I don't regret anything about the time we've been together.

I've been dithering over this for the past year or so, wondering if I could make it work and wondering if I could reconcile the very deep differences between my view of life and my partner's. Having been with someone that long, it's kind of hard to imagine life without them. But this year, the feelings changed. And I came to some realisations.

You can't hang on to something/someone for the sake of habit and fear. If you want different things and you feel different feelings, you can't always talk things through and you can't always 'work it out.' We are both in our late twenties and I decided that I am simply too young to live in the sort of limbo that we're in. (There's obviously more to it than that but it's private and not relevant to this discussion.) We could stay together, compromising on so much, for the long term and neither of us would really be getting what we want out of life. So, why drag it on any longer? It's never going to get any easier to walk away (or walk away as much as you can when you have children) so if we agree to this now, we may have a hope of salvaging some kind of good relationship for the future.

Unfortunately, there's no nice way to split up with someone, even when it's amicable. And there's bound to be hurt on both sides in some measure. But anyone who said 'give yourself space' got it right, I think. Spend some time apart and if, in time, you both feel that you can be friends (I know, I know, that's such a cliche....but sometimes it's worth more than you think!) then all well and good. I'm not saying that this is the same reason why you two broke up. It may be nothing alike. But it's a different perspective on the issue and it's offered with good intent.

Good luck with everything