Complaint letter of the year - gold

Pugwash · 19-03-2005 11:04am #1

got this letter in a chain mail and thought it was absolute gold, enjoy

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter of the year.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A
real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints
dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six
weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your
no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock
jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or
not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
of ba***rds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - **** though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John