Gazza (what a guy)

smoke.me.a.kipper · 22-08-2001 1:03pm #1

hehehe, very good!

Bard · 22-08-2001 1:25pm

lol... nice 1... that gave us a few laughs here !

Paul Gascoigne - human definition of the words "utter muppet"

Bard

'First motorbike in the bible ???? ---- a Triumph --- 'Yea verily Moses struck down the ammmanites and all the land heard the roar of his triumph !!!'

the fnj · 23-08-2001 12:49am

After reading Footballers and Philosophy I had to stick this up!

THE CRAZY WORLD OF PAUL GASCOIGNE
> >50 Mad Moments In The Life Of The Greatest Living Englishman
> >1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny
Baker and
>Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit...
boots
> >
> >included.
> >2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the
nurse:
> >"Church Of England."
> >3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a
>workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded
the
>pavement to the amusement of shoppers.
> >
> >4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money
move
>to
>
>the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he
reminded
>him of Bud Abbot.
> >
> >5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of
>augmenting
>team line-ups with film of each player mouthing his own name.
Gascoigne's
>genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'F***ing
>W***ker'. The BBC had to use it all the way through the tournament.
> >
> >6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate
Tony
> >
> >Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
> >7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for
England's
>upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off
Norway."
> >
> >Then
> >ran off laughing.
> >
> >8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager
Bobby
>Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking
out of
>his sock.
> >
> >9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped
>enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined 39,000.
> >
> >10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair
extensions.
> >Looked
> >a fool and had them taken out a day later.
> >
> >11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers
to
>the
>
>hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'.
> >
> >12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in
> >London's
> >Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus
driver
>said
>yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu
performance.
> >
> >13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones
after the
>infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
> >
> >14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he
knew
>to
>be a transvestite.
> >15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On
one
>occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his
hand
> >
> >high to signal a free kick.
> >16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove
that
>refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the
>official
>
>had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for
his
> >
> >troubles.
> >17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which
spelled the
>beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his
>doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the
> >
> >Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One
>reporter asked:
> >"What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I
feel
>like a kebab with onions."
> >18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack
> >Charlton,
> >spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to
> >give
> >him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw
all
> >but
> >the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown
into
> >the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a
>whopper.
>Lesson over.
> >19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship,
took
> >Kevin
> >Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the
Newcastle
>Underground.
> >20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed
> >Enzo
> >Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he
was
> >play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one
leg
> >with
> >his tongue lolling out.
> >21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a
post-season
> >
> >tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An
> >emotional
> >Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to
bring
> >it
> >to
> >the airport.
> >
> >22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from
Italia 90
>by
> >wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the
legend
> >'Gazza'.
> >23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could
speak
>Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's
Swedish
>Chef.
> >
> >24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped
out
>the
>filling and replaced it with cat excrement.
> >
> >25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his
>training
>socks and ordered lunch.
> >26) Paid 320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of
Dunston,
> >
> >then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local
kids.
> >27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn
with a
> >
> >few
> >of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the
shoulder
> >of
> >a
> >diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the
shoulder
> >
> >the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him
in the
>cheek.
> >
> >28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he
>informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and
>knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife
inside
>that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred
Daz or
>Omo.
> >
> >29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground
and
>caused 310,000 worth of damage.
> >30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard
Gough.
> >31) Handed 1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the
burly
>boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of
his
>nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.
> >
> >32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new
interest.
>Picked bingo.
> >33) Bought a 1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five
> >Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat
man."
> >34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned past him during
the
>national anthem at Italia 90.
> >35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important
tournament
>by
>
>playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.
> >
> >36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before
the
> >
> >1991 FA Cup Final.
> >37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown,
> >Oliver
> >Hardy and Braveheart for 'photo opportunities'.
> >38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough,
marched
>into a Sheffield barbers and demanded "a Waddle cut".
> >
> >39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise
the
>deal
>with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in
> >
> >Hadley
> >Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met
> >then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like
to
> >thank
> >you for the best three days of our lives."
> >40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were
>treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck
pond.
> >
> >41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his
minder
>the
>
>slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The
minder
>thought he'd committed suicide.
> >
> >42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off
with a
> >
> >cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers".
> >43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence,
then
>farting at ear-splitting volume.
> >44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the
number 13
> >
> >that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together.
Oddly,
>the
>combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
> >45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a
laugh".
> >46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course
in
>his
>four-wheel drive Jeep.
> >47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did
not.
> >Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's
Boys,
>We
>
>Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'.
> >
> >48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a
banner
>which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta'.
> >
> >49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with
>virtually every member of the Genoa side.
> >50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no
bacon for
>breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's
no
>bloody bacon!"
>