Cant get ex outa head

oreilly2

I dont know where to start with this post but ive got a problem with my ex girlfriend and how we split up two and a half years ago.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me due to the fact that I still think about her so much and remember her.
Basically, Ive suffered from depression since I was in my mid teens and she got fed up of my odd bout of being down.
Im generally a positive person, but I had the odd relapse when I didn’t feel too good.
I always treated her well, but she eventually got sick of me and my moods and ended it.
She never said that was the reason why we split but she made it clear that she wanted to have fun, and that I was bringing her down.
Basically, I wish Id never of shared my problems with her, maybe if she didn’tknow how I
was feeling she still would have been attracted to me.
We went out for four years, and went through a lot together, and since we split nothing has compared to that relationship.
Ive dated a few women but theres been nothing solid, and there isnt a few times every day when I dontthink of her.
I have no idea what shes doing now, or if shes seeing someone, and I have no intention of getting in touch with her as on a logical level she treated me badly at the end, but I cant help but wonder what i・I had of held myself together.
In the relationships since Ive never let things go past a superficial, as I figure other women would also run a mile if they knew I used to suffer with depression.
Is this correct?
Ladies, could you date a guy like that?
Would it be a huge turn off?
Have any of you guys been in relationships with people who were depressed?
How did you find it?
Would you do it again?
Do you reckon there are women who can handle a depressed guy without seeing him as a wuss.
I feel totally ashamed by how I behaved, in that she had so little respect for me at the end. ugghhh rant over.
While I get on my dad, my mam suffers from depression and finding, as I did today, a book on depression and fighting it really gets to me.
Could do with some advice experiences, how do I get the ex out of my head, I must be abnormal to be fantasising about a relationship that ended nearly 3 years ago.
Anyone else got an ex from the past that they just cant forget?
Im kinda a fed up to be honest, and today im feeling very sorry for myself.
I need to get out of the environment in which I live but I cant afford to and will be living with my depressed mother for at least another 3 years till I get the funds for a deposit..does anyone else get fed up thinking that they are knocking their head off a brick wall In terms of saving for a flat?..

Sleepy

We all have the one that got away in our past somewhere, I've a couple in my own.

From what you've said about your ex, you're honestly better off without her and I think you need to ask yourself is it her, or the relationship that you miss? Your post makes me think it's having a girlfriend you miss more than the girl herself.

Your history with depression is part of who you are and any relationship with a future has to be based on who you really are, not a facade of what you'd like to be. Making believe may not cause any short-term harm but I can't help but feel that pretending elements of yourself don't exist in order to try and impress someone is a bad idea. Living a lie tends to build up and could quite conceivably trigger a relapse.

Face forward, stand straight and take your future on. The past is behind you and in this case, it certainly seems like it's best left there.

Evil Phil

If she really likes you she won't care that you suffer from depression, sounds to me like you are suffering too. What is your situation? I'm guessing your in college. Maybe you should join some societies or clubs and make some friends you'll eventually meet somebody new. It's difficult to get this girl out of your, I'm guessing, because you've such good memories of her and the years you spent together while now things are bad for you. Presevere and things will improve (at least you're saving for a deposit).

I'd also guess that all of this will stand to you in the end - make you more mature and understanding to other peoples needs. And kinder too. They are important quailities my friend, very important.

Lex_Diamonds

What he said. She should have been supportive.

Evil Phil

A whole lot of guessing going on in my post there. Sleepy hit the nail on the head I reckon. Sounds like you longing for the good times because the current times suck. Stick with it and you'll get there.

In my experience most women don't have a problem with a history of depression as long as you've tried to do something about it and talk to them when you're feeling low so they can help.

ChRoMe

/edited becuase I just realised that the whole post was me feeling sorry for myself about a very similar situation and was of no help to the original poster

ven0m

My ex's in general couldn't handle my problems with depression, drug or alcohol abuse. My most recent ex was cool with it all (I was over my drug & alcohol abuse in general before meeting her), but when I hit a depression spot, just being around her used to balance it out & make it go & is wasn't a big issue & she knew when I was depressed & didn't make an issue out of it & was very supportive. Us breaking up had nothing to do with my depression or past problems - the way I look at it is some people don't have problems being supportive of their partner's problems & helping them through it, others do - depends on the person....

The one thing I learned is you can either be a prisoner to your past or the architect of your future. Might I suggest you get yourself the following book & read it; 'The monk who sold his Ferrari' by Robin S. Sharma, very inspiring book & very good for getting over stuff like this - helped me alot.....


::: ven0mous :::

ClareBear

I've spent an entire year still mourning my ex. The thing is we didn't even go out for that long but we were (and still are) the best of friends for a few years....the hardest thing for me is still seeing him all the time and hearing about girls he's with etc...it gets me down so much stometimes, I compare every guy I see to him. No one matches up to him in my eyes. I haven't even really been attracted to any guys since because he was perfect in my eyes. He's my perfect type in every way and no matter how gorgeous a guy I meet is, he won't match up to the person I'm in love with. It's obsession and while he's still in my head I won't even give someone else a chance. I thought I'd get over it but it's been a year now and the longer it goes on the more it gets to me.

I know how you feel about longing over your ex....and until you're ready to let go and find someone as amazing as she is (and there are plenty out there, you just can't see it) then you're going to continue to feel this way. All the advice in the world won't make you feel better. It hasn't done me any good anyway. Best of luck with everything, I hope things work out soon for you.

Megatron

Well dude, i'm in a similar situation myself.

I was going out with the girl for about 2.5 years, we where i though happy , however she decided differently and ended it. Since then ( oct 2002) i haven't really dated anyone up untill recently, but even then i didnt' have the same sort of expectation as i did when i was going out with my ex. I guess after having my heart broken by a at least 3 of my ex's i've become slightly not bitter, but pesimistic about relationships, i do try and keep an open mind as to how things will go but, hey there ya go.

The advice i can give is just to carry on, day by day, if you have any pics/gifts the like, if you can't bring yourself to chuck them , put them in a box, and stick them somewhere you don't usualy look, or go ( attic or something).

And put your best foot forward...

*Page*

everyone has problems and you need a partner ready to accept and help as long as you do the same..
i suffer from depression and my partner helps alot. dont go on every women just because of 1..

if you still think about things that happened with her id advise talking to her even though they ended badly and she didn't treat you well, for your own mind you need to put certain questions at rest.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Kell

Mercury_Tilt wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Well said. Has the original poster sought counselling for his depression? Also, seems like he was using his ex as a crutch in the absense of being able to support himself. Such people arent necessarily bad, just they lack the ability to be happy with themselves and without proper counselling will always need support.

K-

Lex_Diamonds

Im sure he still was fun when he wasnt in his depressed stages. Granted, if he was a depressed **** all the time fair enough, but if it was an occasional thing then I think she could have been a little more accomodating.

PullMyFinger!

Its tough. Its probably the hardest thing you'll ever do, but you need to try and get her out of your head O'Reilly. Some days will be better then others.

I'll post up a more constructive reply when I get a chance.

GraveRobber

Thats harsh. I may have a possible solution tho. When I was younger I wasnt the happiest of kids, everything that could go wrong for me did. When I was 13 I got a chronic condition. Spent about 10 months in hospital on 4 occasions in total as a result - but it was there I realised that "s-hit happens" and ya gota laugh at these things no matter how bad they are. Always look for the good in the bad. Funnily enough about 2 months after I got better I got hit by a car and was in a very critical condition for about 3 weeks - I laughed all the way through it (Doctor kept askin did I want to see a phsycologist because I wasnt taking anything seriously).

I no it seems like im rambling on but I have a point here.

You should go to rowanda or somewhere and do volentary work for a year or 2, join the army - anything thats a big change in your life. Its in these extreme times that you will realise how much worse things can always get. Its like the saying , you never no what you have until you loose it. You need to learn how to appriciate what you do have. Im not taking a shot at you, its just that if you see mothers trying to feed there kids contaminated foods or people dieing around you youll have new meaning in life. Have a good think about it... I cant think of a better way to say this so dont take it the wrong way but - Stop feeling sorry for yourself and try help others instead. S-hit happens and until you can appriciate what you do have you will never be hapy. Hope this helps.

PullMyFinger!

I said Id get back you GR, I more or less said what I had in mind in this thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=236824&page=2

Hope things are getting better

RopeDrink

Been depressed on and off for many years now, and finally decided (quite a while ago) to bend it towards good use.

Basically, I chose a day to semi-rant (about 3 Boards pages) about a few of my problems here and hoped that it'd put some peoples problems into perspective, and also to make people realise that now matter how bad things get, there is always a logical solution to your problems that does NOT involved suicide. I felt a lot better, and quite a few people approached me about things they went through. Rather than having a mass gathering of people moaning and being down, we basically banged heads and, if anything, had a laugh about things to make light of the situation - We all felt better.
So talk to people, friends or family, or anyone willing to lend you an open ear.

Then the next part. Rather than trying to get her out of your head, why not try to fill your own? To be thinking about her that much after so long must mean you have a lot of time on your hands, and that can be hell when you have issues. Your mind can go ballistic when you have too much time to think on your hands, and that can drag you down (or should I say, you'll drag yourself down).

Get active, get out there and enjoy your free time by working on your social life and meeting new people, take more time enjoying your hobbies. Anything like that can whisk your mind off a lot of garbage you may be thinking about. Of course, it's very hard to get things out of your mind, but try to make light of it and remember the good times you had... There are also plenty of people out there who can show you better times, too, don't forget.

That's what she wanted to do, why don't you try the same?

That's just my opinion anyhow.

PS. Remember, we all started off alone...
Be content with yourself, and it'll be easier for people to be content with you.

neuro-praxis

I honestly think seeing a counsellor for a few months may be the way to put the memories of her to rest.

Good luck.

pwd

no counsellor is disempowering. You need something empowering to shift your depression. Fear and prolonged physical pain will stimulate your mind and make you think about things that aren't her. Intense exercise will work. Changing to a less secure occupation will help too, or taking up pastimes with some degree of risk. Make your brain concern itself with your survival and it will forget about her. You can achieve extremely high levels of personal growth if you take sane levels of risk.
[This is why it is impossible to kill yourself by setting yourself on fire or through exposure. The stimulus of extreme heat or cold shocks your brain into action and your survival instinct kicks in, and you save yourself.
This idea suggests that everybody who kils themselves by high impact methods changes their mind the moment before they die. And high impact is the most successful method. Only one person has ever bounced off a train.]

whipping therapy helps too, although it seems rather crude :

http://english.pravda.ru/main/18/90/360/15176_whipping.html

taby

Hrmmmmm......

Well from what Ive read most people seem to have said it was her problem and it wasn't in any way to do with your depression her dumping you. Ive known people who have had depression - some close friends of mine. Its a hard thing for them to deal with but they always ring me and if they're feeling down i always just try and make them see the funny side of things ( i usually do stupid yet so funny things which always make my friends laugh). I think the best idea as someone said above is to join a few clubs and socities. Try getting in tocuh with any mates youve lost contact with. Try let someone close to you know what you're going through and maybe just spend an evening watching some silly film or playing some silly game. I think support is what you miss and what you need right now.

*hugs*

LegacyUser

Ive got that problem too, i was with a girl for about 3-4 months then we split up, 4 months later we tried again and split up about 5 months later and since then (like november last year) i havnt been able to stop thinking about her and how much i love her still, its driving me mad because no other girl seems to even come close to how perfect she seemed to be in my eyes, i was hoping to get back with her like in the next couple of months, but i just learnt shes got someone else, and i just feel so gutted. Stupid i know. I just cant understand why i cant just let her go and move on .

LegacyUser

Same problem, I dunno what to tell you really. I still think about my ex a hell of a lot and about a month ago I got really, really depressed over her, I don't think it was anything else I've really made and effort to get on with my life doing new things meeting new people going out with other girls and not comparing them to her or at least if I do, know thats what I am doing.

I think I cracked it for me anyway, I started a diary I haven't touched it in about a week now because I'm feeling good about things, still think about her a lot but its not a problem. I would recommend it. Your probably not going to get over her to the point where you no longer think about her. I'd disagree with people who say you miss the relationship or the "Your the best thing in my life" feeling. You can miss that person for no good reason at all. But you can manage your feelings and get on with your life.

PullMyFinger!

sametroubles wrote:

I think I cracked it for me anyway, I started a diary I haven't touched it in about a week now because I'm feeling good about things, still think about her a lot but its not a problem. I would recommend it. Your probably not going to get over her to the point where you no longer think about her. I'd disagree with people who say you miss the relationship or the "Your the best thing in my life" feeling. You can miss that person for no good reason at all. But you can manage your feelings and get on with your life.

Yeah same here, I still miss the ex like mad 6 months on and its getting worse lately (I think I shouldnt have blocked out the first 3 months by shagging around and pretending she wasnt anything special). I dont think I'll ever get anyone as amazing again and that kills me. Do you just write about her in the diary SameTroubles?

LegacyUser

PullMyFinger! wrote:

Yeah same here, I still miss the ex like mad 6 months on and its getting worse lately (I think I shouldnt have blocked out the first 3 months by shagging around and pretending she wasnt anything special). I dont think I'll ever get anyone as amazing again and that kills me. Do you just write about her in the diary SameTroubles?

Not really no, I vent there. When I fall into that mood other things get effected and it all gets thought out in the diary and left at that. Whatever is in my head really, both good and bad. I think it works because its the one place were I can be totally honest with myself, talking this stuff out with other people wouldn't be a strong point with me, can never quiet get across what I want to say.

PullMyFinger!

Thanks for clearing that up. Hope the head is feeling better.

LegacyUser

in the same boat dude, thought i had it licked there, 2 years on, but there's still feelings there.

funny thing is, i could never commit to the relationship when we were going out, we went out for 2.5 years, and had a couple of break ups.

we did stay in touch a bit, which of course made it harder, but i didn't want to let her go completly.

this was a bad move, she's bought a gaf with her current bf, marrage and kids will be next.

i have had a few flings since, with some cracking girls, nothing's come close, except for recently, and i really hope it works out.

i just think some people are better at leaving 5hit in the past than otheres.

i have to let her go completly, v hard, just the wasy i'm wired i guess.

good luck with it dude, fiends and keeping busy helps.

LegacyUser

I can't get my ex outa my head either. I had forgotten about her until I met her this weekend. Now I have continuous stomach pangs. This is horrible

LegacyUser

Confuzzzled wrote:

I can't get my ex outa my head either. I had forgotten about her until I met her this weekend. Now I have continuous stomach pangs. This is horrible

Thats loneliness kicking in. Go do something, sport, mates, go out. Gets worse if you dwell on her.

LegacyUser

would hypnosis work?

Gilgamesh

I know I know, removed my prvious comment, just remembered it from a horror movie.

scojones

Gilgamesh wrote:

whatever you do, don't try a drill on your temple, it doesn't help.

Read the charter Gilgamesh.

jamieh

I am going through the very same thing, went out with a girl for 2 years, was happifully in love, and then she went off with another guy.

3 months on and I'm still constantly thinking about her.

Someone recomended a book called "Healing the addictive mind" to me. Its all about changing your thinking patterns and the mind goes where it knows and it will stay there if you don't do anything about it.

I haven't read the book yet but I have ordered it from amazon.

Here's the link if anyone is interested!!!

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0890876231/qid=1113950195/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/002-7578955-3176045?v=glance&s=books&n=507846