Fighting desperation

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster here, but I'd have this one over my head forever if I posted under my usual name.

Basically, I'm a 20 year old male, never had a girlfriend/never even been kissed. This has caused me to go mental on the inside. I went to all-boys schools for most of my education, as a result I don't have any female friends. I once had one female friend but I ended up falling for her and (not surprisingly) she rarely speaks to me anymore. I've even fallen for girls on the internet, which is probably much worse.
I fall for a girl too easily, which means that I'm destined to be hurt. I don't seem to have any standards anymore, I'd probably settle for anyone at this stage of my life. My feelings have been made worse since I started doing some work in an all-girls school, just for this week btw. I was working in a class with eighteen 6th year girls and was eyeing up several of them. I'd never make a move though, that's just my nature, I look but don't act.

What can I do to fight these feelings of obvious desperation? Its not healthy, but I feel like I missed out on everything that other people got to do at a younger age than me (e.g. meet girls, chat, kiss, hold hands etc). I don't think of sex too much, but I'd say its there somewhere. I know I'm desperately looking for a relationship, but I also know some of you will tell me that this is part of the problem. I have to fight this as it has totally taken over me, please help if you can. Thanks.

Kell

going_insane wrote:

What can I do to fight these feelings of obvious desperation?

Talk to every single female that crosses your path. Every one of them. About anything. Ask them about themselves, what they do where they are from etc. Find a common ground. You'll be surprised at how easy it is. Also, you wont come across as sleazy as all you are doing is talking.

Before you know it you'll have a rash of womens numbers in your phone, most of which you'll wonder how they got there and have a choice of who to spend your nights out with. And they'll all think "thats that guy that spoke to me as an individual and not some piece of meat to drool over".

K-

ChRoMe

"And they'll all think "thats that guy that spoke to me as an individual and not some piece of meat to drool over".

Followed by he seems so "nice". And bang he's into the deepest darkest depts of the friend zone never to return.

Altheus

Yeah, you really have to find the sensitive/sexual balance, takes some time to perfect, a lot of guys have it down to a tee since secondary school, others well it's a learning game.

I reckon the 'friend' zone is a good place to be though, it helps you talk to women as human being rather than objects of affection/lust/companionship.... Just don't fall in love. It's not love, you think it's love because everything just seems so right, and she's probably hot.

seamus

ChRoMe wrote:

Followed by he seems so "nice". And bang he's into the deepest darkest depts of the friend zone never to return.

No, Kell does it right. He talks just enough that they'll listen because he's not coming across as a sleave, but not so much that the women think he's just a nice guy.

OP, half of the issue here is your own view of yourself. Most of the pressure you feel to have had a girlfriend, talk to girls, have one night stands, etc, comes from what you think other people are thinking about you. Sure, you'd like to get to know girls etc, but in your own mind, you also worry about what other people are thinking about you, never seen with girls, etc. Nobody cares. Get that, first of all.

Rule number one: You want a girl for yourself, not so you can please anyone else, or appear 'normal'. That should lift half of the pressure off, right away.

Rule number two: Girls will not just fall into your lap. Well, actually, they can, but you could be 35 before it happens. If you were as good looking as Brad Pitt, you'd know about it by now. Unless you're rich or famous, women will not fawn over you, or approach you to chat you up. This is true for 99% of men in this country, good-looking or otherwise. Just because women don't spontaneously talk to you, doesn't mean you're unattractive.

Rule number three: Your attitude means everything. Just like all the other "I can't"'s - "I can't lose weight", "I can't save money", "I can't stop smoking" - 99% of what you need to change is your attitude towards this perceived problem. You need to think of women as just people, not the other half of your animal cravings. There's some social buildup, and I don't know where it comes from, that men and women are a world apart, that anything you say to the opposite sex will be dissected, misinterpreted and laughed at. In some senses they are, but for the most part, they're just as happy to chat about random things, laugh at jokes, talk about themselves in the same way as you would talk to another guy you've just met.

I hate the word proactive, but it explains exactly what you need to be. Most people tend to be most successful either in college or in clubs with a good social life. This makes sense, it's a comfortable environment where the bias isn't towards pairing up, and everyone is sharing an interest. This makes it much easier to meet and get used to talking to women.

BuffyBot

I'd probably settle for anyone at this stage of my life

Well you know, that's probably the biggest shame on all. You feel the need to have these experiences for whatever reasons, but ask yourself - do you want to have them with just anyone, or someone you've really got to like over time and who you are reasonably sure likes you...?

BrianD3

going_insane wrote:

What can I do to fight these feelings of obvious desperation?

Strenuous exercise may help. I am a good bit older than you and have always been crap with women. This used to get me down and I had similar feelings to you - I felt desperate and anxious and was always worrying about the future and was bitter about stuff that happened in the past. But since I started doing weight training things have changed. I look better, feel better, am more confident, more laid back, stronger, more healthy etc. Doing weights gives me pleasure and keeps me occupied and the fact the women deem me unworthy of their attention doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore.

BrianD3

ChRoMe

"fact the women deem me unworthy of their attention doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore."

jesus christ if you are writing sentences like that its CLEARLY having a massive effect on you. Why does everyone think that women are these allmighty gods they are just human beings like blokes with faults and all.

Kell

seamus wrote:

No, Kell does it right. He talks just enough that they'll listen because he's not coming across as a sleave, but not so much that the women think he's just a nice guy.

Who have you been talking to? Eh eh eh??

K-

Blub2k4

I understand where the poster is coming from, boarding school also made me a very late developer and to be honest I had very similar feelings at one stage. What did I do? I just kept being myself and eventually it all fell into place, dont worry OP when it comes to the rihgt time then it happens.
Sorry I cant be of more help.

BrianD3

ChRoMe wrote:

"fact the women deem me unworthy of their attention doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore."

jesus christ if you are writing sentences like that its CLEARLY having a massive effect on you. Why does everyone think that women are these allmighty gods they are just human beings like blokes with faults and all.

What are you on about? That sentence shows nothing of the sort. All it does is state a FACT that women are not particularly interested in going out with me. Sorry to spoil your little dreamworld but some people just don't have a lot of success when it comes to dating which is something they have to deal with. Ask any 25 stone woman with BO and acne if she has confidence in her ability to attract men because after all men are "human beings with faults too"

BrianD3

ChRoMe

Brian you are so far off the mark its not even funny any more. I have seen on regular occasions (and you will too if you look) incredably ugly,overweight blokes get great looking women. Why you ask? simple confidence. There really isint anything else to it (dont believe start reading through the PI archives and see how much the confidence issue is brought up on these threads)

Give yourself a break man dont be so hard on yourself. And when you type fact in caps it shows how much you have allready defeated yourself in your own head.

Chucky the tree

going_insane wrote:

My feelings have been made worse since I started doing some work in an all-girls school, just for this week btw. I was working in a class with eighteen 6th year girls and was eyeing up several of them. I'd never make a move though, that's just my nature, I look but don't act.

lucky bastard.

why dont you act though? A relationship wont just fall into your lap, and you wont wake up one morning and suddenly have loads of female friends. You have to make the move somewhere along thel ine.

And there really isnt any better place then a all-girls 6th year class!!

kasintahan

BrianD3 wrote:

Strenuous exercise may help. I am a good bit older than you and have always been crap with women. This used to get me down and I had similar feelings to you - I felt desperate and anxious and was always worrying about the future and was bitter about stuff that happened in the past. But since I started doing weight training things have changed. I look better, feel better, am more confident, more laid back, stronger, more healthy etc. Doing weights gives me pleasure and keeps me occupied and the fact the women deem me unworthy of their attention doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore.

BrianD3

Funnily enough I took up gym/weights too (very much a work in progress ).
But that's to get women - not to take my mind off them.

Either way, a gym and the fitness board come recommended.

Gone West

its unhealthy for a regular hetero male to "try and take his mind off women".

Sleepy

OP, in a word: RELAX! Just chill out a bit, try not to worry about things so much and you'll find that they'll sort themselves out eventually. Some of the best cocksmen I know have had their off-years.

ando

yea if you can surround yourself in women and try take steps bit by bit, you'll get it eventually. Being surrounded by a lot of 17 and 18yr old girls is a good start *ando drools*

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. It sounds a little funny to talk to any girl I meet, I'm a very shy character towards girls so that will take a bit of work, lol.