"Violation" - feedback welcome!

ven0m

Young girl alone in the world,
It the oyster & she the pearl,
Violated by a man violently,
Can never now just grow up & be,
Happy & carefree,
left to suffer in misery,
His eyes burned like stars in the sky,
left wondering how it happened & why,
She wants to die,
But now she got a child inside,
Strugglin on what to do & how to get by,
Should she lie & say the sex was unprotected,
So she alone bears the pain,
And won't be less respected,
Relives the memory in reflections,
A drama so surreal,
forgetting the possibility of infection.

Shed tears hidden away from her peers,
9 months until the child appears,
what would she do when it's not up to you,
Still unsure if she can make it through,
Eyes glazed over no longer aquatic blue,
red from the tears, heart broken into pieces,
Searchin for the answers seekin self-release,
An inner peace,
No fairy tales for this young girl,
Left to struggle & recover been raped by the world,
It's so hard tryin to make a life go on,
When you been left like that, how can you be strong,
And it's wrong,
Cryin herself to sleep tryin to find a peace,
Hopin the very least she ain't caught a disease,
Feelin like he stole her heart & soul,
Shattered shell of a woman it's takin its toll,
no longer whole, given a seed she never asked for,
A hellish chore to raise a child born from hate,
Seed planted from the selfish act of rape,
Is it a mistake to carry the seed to birth,
Is it heaven sent or a hell on earth?

So many options, one chosen as she cries,
Self determined option of suicide,
Left alone in pain & left to die,
She tries to swallow pills to block it out,
Some might say she takin the easy way out,
But how's it easy when you feel like this,
Some bastard steals your soul & you left with ****?
You reprimand like you possessed with a golden hand,
It didn't happen to you, so you can't understand,
You point a finger but there's three pointed back,
Whatever her sins,
you can't judge her or give her her life back,
Instrumental in being so judgemental,
What does it say about society when we not sentimenal,
it's detrimental when this happens to the person involved,
We should be resolved not standing trying to be absolved.

It's all our responsibility to look around & see,
Make sure that we there for other's needs,
Show support, respect, understanding & love,
Instead of being cold, uncaring & devoid of,
The soul that defines our humanity,
One that should reach out to every seed,
Cos every seed they grow into a rose,
It's a truth that we need to expose,
And not oppose when someone put in this position,
Not treat them like they a sufferer of a condition,
They're the victim not the perpetrator,
They're the violated not the violator,
We should do the best we can to try to understand,
Not point a finger but hold out a hand,
Help rebuild their lives, regrow & withstand,
This ain't complicated so don't misunderstand,
the lost innocense can't be replicated,
But a sense of soul & heart can be reinstated,
Self worth, self status, belief inflates
Relearn how to love herself as she narrates,
A story of what happened committed to memory,
So she can continue her life & find peace in relief.


::: ven0mous :::

BEAT

I really love what you have done here, I did notice a handfull of grammatical errors though.
It seemed like you traded proper grammar for the ability to ryhme when a differnet word could have been used...

like in this line: Cos every seed they grow into a rose
the word 'they' should be replaced with something like, 'does'
so it looks like this:
Cos every seed does grow into a rose

I noticed in a few lines you used the word we when it should have read: We've or We're
just something to go over and correct but all in all I love it

ven0m

BEAT wrote:

I really love what you have done here, I did notice a handfull of grammatical errors though.
It seemed like you traded proper grammar for the ability to ryhme when a differnet word could have been used...

like in this line: Cos every seed they grow into a rose
the word 'they' should be replaced with something like, 'does'
so it looks like this:
Cos every seed does grow into a rose

I noticed in a few lines you used the word we when it should have read: We've or We're
just something to go over and correct but all in all I love it

Yeah - I did 'trade-off' against rhyming, mainly cos I was putting it as a hiphop style piece of writing to go over a sick beat I put together over the weekend, hence the trade-offs & gramatical errors....... but thanks for the feedback....


::: ven0mous :::

BEAT

ahhh well that does make sense then , leave it so

Lilliput Girl

I really like that - can I call it a poem? I'd like to. The way you punctuated it to highlight the beat is really clever and you make it flow very well with the use of rhyming words at the start and MIDDLE of the lines as well as at the end, which to me constitutes good 'rap'. So... all in all... Kudos to you !

ven0m

Lilliput Girl wrote:

I really like that - can I call it a poem? I'd like to. The way you punctuated it to highlight the beat is really clever and you make it flow very well with the use of rhyming words at the start and MIDDLE of the lines as well as at the end, which to me constitutes good 'rap'. So... all in all... Kudos to you !

Thanks for the feedback. I love to include rhythm into writing hiphop pieces, because apart from the fact rhyme plays a big part - it's a musical writing form, so rhythm & flow is a big part of it...


::: ven0mous :::

humbleCounty

wow its great, pretty moving,

only thing i'd say is the last verse is kind of preachy, does it need to be in there?