Oh boy!

LegacyUser

Okay, I'll lay the foundations of this story.

Boy meets girl. Boy fancies girl. Girl is just coming out of messed up relationship. At this point the boy and girl are still young and in school. Boy and girl become best of friends.

Boy introduces girl to friends. Boy's friend fancy girl. Boy's friend gets with girl for 2 and half years, but boy loves girl all this time, but girl loves boy's friend.

The boy's friend and the girl break up. The boy picks up the pieces. Boy and girl are a little older now, and out of school. Boy professes his love, and is rejected. Apart from a few stolen kisses, there was no return. Girl thinks that they should stay being friends but doesnt feel that way.

Boy tries this, but either out of shame, or resentment or the pain inside eating him up because he can't have girl; Boy then stops being friends with girl. The boy and girl live separate lives, occasionally meeting up talking about the 'good' oul times, but different social rings and living in different areas.

Time passes by, a year or so, and boy and girl still are only occasionally meeting up.

Girl is depressed, medicated and borderline alcohol.

Boy is depressed, self-medicated and borderline schizophrenic.

Boy then meets a new girl. Boy falls in love with this new girl. New girl makes boy happy, stop self medicating and his mental issues fade away. New girl loves boy, boy loves new girl.

Then last night, boy and girl are in the pub, laughing and joking, having a drink. The girl knows all about new girl. She is so happy for boy. They talk about the past, about how there are no hard feelings about boy's friend. Boy understands now what she had, because he has new girl, and the way she loved boy's friend. Girl turns around to boy and says "I never loved him, as much as I loved you." Girl kisses boy. Boy kisses girl, for a moment, holds his head in his hand and runs.

What should boy do?

Is girl just jealous (sabotage)?

Is girl just acting out of mental instability?

I'm sorry for the 3rd person but I sorta of amn't quite able to fully immerse myself into this reality just yet.

Altheus

Sounds to me like the girl might have feelings for you, you've gotta ask yourself whether you love her or your new girlfriend more. It's a tough cookie, glad I'm not in your shoes.

LeperKing

IMO Possibly....

Girl likes what she can't have
or
Boy is relationship backup for girl, and girl is getting desperate

Either way, look forward and not backward.

LK

ando

She may be stuck in a rut and may see you as a possible outlet. IMHO she would be using you and I'm not sure how long it would last until she lost interest. From trying to understand your post, I think you should stay with your current GF if you are happy

DoctorEdgeWild

LeperKing wrote:

IMO Possibly....

Girl likes what she can't have
or
Boy is relationship backup for girl, and girl is getting desperate

Either way, look forward and not backward.

LK

Exactly! Good advice.

The high maintenance type of girls (from what you have said in your first post, I deduce she is one) often have a backup guy who they like to keep hanging on to the possiblilty of getting with them. These are often the sort to only be attracted to those they can't have. Its a killer of a situation but Personally, I'd go for the new girl, she seems to be the favourite here for the sh1t end of the stick.

REDZ

well told.
i guess sometimes we never know we want something until somebody else has it. and i think girls are a bit like buses, as they tend to fall for you when your already attached. dunno i think it has something to do with the extra confidence you have from being loved.
the potential relationship with the original girl must be very tempting,due to the long term feelings involved. but we are living in the now, not the past. i don't think original girl is being unstable, or trying to sabotage your new relationship. but she is deffo confused. and in acting like this and telling you that, she is being very very selfish towards you. which show in my opinion that she places what she wants now, above what is probably best for you and your new relationship.

Pigman II

LeperKing wrote:

Boy is relationship backup for girl, and girl is getting desperate

Sound assessement. You're her spare Mr.Boy.

joseph brand

It's always the same.

Feast or famine.

You're not with a girl for say three years!! Then all of a sudden, girls that you know want to seduce you, like it's a challenge. And they can be quite cunning in their short skirts and hooker boots, classy, which is what happened to me, (Sucker for mini skirt and hooker boots).

The grounds on which your long term friend decided to kiss you are a little suspect, she probably thought she could always rely on you as someone to fall back on, which is a little disrespectful IMHO.

Conclusion: stick with current GF, you always have the other girl to fall back on

LegacyUser

Right.... The girl is not the that desperate, she's the type to eat up chew and spit out men for breakfast. I've know 15 different men who've told her that they loved her. She's extremely attractive, a master in the art of seduction, and ultimately a very cool human being.

My dilemma is that I'm not sure whether she just wants what she can't (well probably cant have.) or whether she isn't lying. When someone turns around to you and just says, I don't think I ever loved him as much as I loved you, out of the blue like that it's a little bit weird. I should mention that earlier that night another friend of hers (male) had told her his true feelings. Also to add insult, I was there with her ex boyf and saying how there was never any hard feelings, he always knew I had feelings for her, and that in honesty he couldnt think of a nicer guy, and that it was all cool.

Then he left to meet other friends and it was just me and her, I was saying how they were so good etc... and then boom.

Chinafoot

i'd go with the others advice that girl probably thought you would be around for good pining after her. its always nice to feel wanted especially if life is a bit of a mess.

new girl makes you happy and remember that.

never go backwards.

Altheus

Don't let yourself get beat up about it, stay with your girlfriend. If the girl wants you know, she'll still want you when you're single. The same way you still seem to have feelings for her. I don't see why you should let her come between you and the girl you love.

Skank

Maddening hows it goin man? that seems very confuseing on your acount dude , well on one side you have
girl A and on the other side you have girl B

girl a will be your ball and chain and b the girl you always like loved ...

what i would do is not see eather of them for a least about a week and go for a walk every day with the mp3 in your ears and just walk of the fustrations of it all you need to get your head around what has happened once ya get tht done well then ya can decide what your going to do we cant give you any answers well i can cause its not my place to what i will say is your not married etc etc , what i would say is take two peace's of peaper , rite there names on them write out all there bad points and good points then read over each a few times an answer is there all rite, and i beleave you will
make the best dession its not an essy one but you will figure it out now the other thing the girl could really like you and actuly tell your gf wwhat happened so what ever you do your going to have to be honest to ...

i just recomend talkin to your mum or something i have about my women problems but always get diplomatic answer so i just go of and think about it ....

athena 2000

Maddening wrote:

Right.... The girl is not the that desperate, she's the type to eat up chew and spit out men for breakfast. I've know 15 different men who've told her that they loved her. She's extremely attractive, a master in the art of seduction, and ultimately a very cool human being.

Wow, there's the red flag on a stick waving in your face!
By your comment, the insight you've got working for your protection is alive and well. You already know she's not really worth wasting any time thinking about. She just wanted to see your reaction to her "confession". She got something from your shared kiss - assurance that she's got some power over you. It's likely that relationships are all about power to her, and not love and intimacy. I'm sure you deserve better than someone who's emotionally unavailable and probably unstable and selfish.

I vote that you stick with your current girlfriend and develop a great relationship with her. That's a much better opportunity.

Zillah

It all seems remarkably clear to me right now. The first girl, the one you've known for years, she's poison dude. She is emotional acid and she will scar you if you let her. Don't let the pretty visage fool you, she is the eater of men and is terrfied that her fall back guy might not be around anymore.

She is poison to you...like heroin, sure it feels good but it'll destroy you in the end.

Zulu

You are happy with the new girl, and you've been offered a poision chalice - with the word "POISION" written on it.


...it never ceases to amaze me the choices sane people take in the name of love!

D

Stay with the new girl(girl .

You said yourself that earlier on she(original girl, girl A) just wanted to be friends. Stay friends with her by all means but let her know in no uncertain terms that you are in a happy relationship. You said yourself that B has made you happy and you are in a much better relationship.

Stay with the new girl!

Rossonero

D wrote:

Stay with the new girl!

.

I agree with everyone else here. Stick with your new girlfriend. The first girl you mentioned, the one you knew for years, reminds me of someone I know. She used me but won't leave me alone. She might do so for a month or two, but every time she feels lonely she falls back on me. It would be painful for me to give in to her, and I'd say it would be the same for you too. On the outside she may seem really cute, but she's poison inside.

I don't know if its desperation on her part, it may easily be that she doesn't want her "fall back boy" being taken. Be strong, what you have now is much better.

pickarooney

Very comprehensible way of telling the story.
What, if anything, do you feel is lacking in your relationship with new girl that might make you consider chucking her for girl? Do you feel that you should want girl because everyone else does and you'd be wasting a chance others would kill for?
Is 'borderline schizophrenic' just a dramatic turn of phrase or is there a real medical history (is that even something that's really treatable)?

flangeman

There is some men here talking with serious experience. Mr. Fall Back Boy is definitly what box your currently in.

Mr. Boy, if its love, she has a lot of explaining to do regarding how so many guys have said the words 'I love you' to her. A Ms. Girl that gets them in, deludes them and then drops them like a hot snot once they get serious has got some serious relationship problems. And this are problems for a professional not you. You probably won't change her (thats why some women go out with assholes, to change them).

I like the see none of them for a week lark and walk around town. Very romantic, and the head will be clear.

pickarooney

To be fair to girl, it could just be that a lot of guys think they fall in love with her because she's gorgeous, cool and the rest, but when you scratch the surface they're really only besotted. It can be very hard for someone like that to find someone who truly loves them and knows it. Each guy that falls for her could just be the one - it's kind of unfair to expect her to ignore a guy because the percentages say he'll end up being just another lovesick fool. Despite apparences, with guys all around her everywhere she goes, it can be a very lonely position to be in. Most people have a hard enough time finding one person who loves, or thinks they love, them, so can often convince themselves that they love someone who professes to love them, though the feelings are really somewhat less.
The fact that boy (Madenning) is in love with someone else disqualifies him from being one of those lovesick puppies who thinks he's in love with girl, and thus makes him more of an honest attraction. If this makes any sense...

Consider also that it's probably actually quite irritating for a good-looking woman to be constantly hounded by blokes and that having a boyfriend at least reduces that hassle.

Obviously I don't know that any of this applies to girl, but I'd be hesitant to go painting her as a slapper, a tease or a fickle creature.

LegacyUser

Hey, sorry for not writing a reply sooner, havent had net access...

Right, thanks again for all the advice, I think I've made the decision to stay with my girlfriend.

I texted girl but she didnt write back, and frankly I'm not going to be the one to try and start a dialogue with her. To be fair to the girl 95% of the guys she's with do think she's gorgeous, mysterious, admirable and ultimately a great thing to have around, I think they objectify her, and thusly fall in love with her persona, and body. I thought about it and I think I was one of the few people in her life who liked her for the person she is, rather than the "token".

I spent last night with my girlfriend, and she definitely vibed something off me, but we were able to iron out our own problems, and without a doubt I've made the right choice for ME.

My biggest concern now is that 'girl' is just going to have even more self-worth issues, and attract some more of the types that she has in the past.

I think you've hit a very important nail on the head pickarooney, it is just the fact that I'm unavailable that I've become more desirable to her.

In the past I was actually sabotaging my own relationships because things were hotting up between me and her, and I always thought, now is the time to strike. This is the first time in the last 2 years that I've not allowed her to make me feel this way (women have their ways, I wont get into it, subtle touching, conversation, THOSE looks and this must be the reasoning..

All in all it was a bit of a royal headphuck, but I think it's sorted now, thanks a million.

D

Huzzah!! Sorry "ye olde worlde" moment passed. That's really good to hear.

WhiteWashMan

Maddening wrote:

, boy loves new girl.

Maddening wrote:

Boy kisses girl, for a moment, holds his head in his hand and runs.

if boy loves new girl, i dont see what the issue is?

surely you love new girl. so what is the problem with the old friend.

regardless of whatever her issues are (drink mixed with loneliness mixed with old times, thats pretty potent mojo there), and the past, the most telling thing is something you have failed to tell us.
your feelings for girl at this time. you used to love her. you now love new girl.
girl kisses you., you run.
had a quick kiss with an old flame, you stopped it. good for you.

i dont think the unavailable thing is really importnat. in fact, while the girl is your friend, her position and reasoning isnt important here. only you and your new girl are important.
and unless you are still carrying a torch for this old girl, there is no problem.

by the way, and this goes for ALL men, when you say -

Maddening wrote:

This is the first time in the last 2 years that I've not allowed her to make me feel this way (women have their ways, I wont get into it, subtle touching, conversation, THOSE looks and this must be the reasoning..

i think what you actually mean is 'this is the first time you have made your own decisions based on someone other than this girl. she did not *make* you want her. she did not drug you and make you sabotage your relationships. you did it. you did it becuase you thought something, that may not have been there. some people are tactile, they like to touch. im a touchy feely person. do i flirt? yes i do. im an outrageous flirt. does it mean i want to shag someone? no. not in the slightest. dont mistake what you think is going on, with what is *actually* going on.

men are their own worse enemies when it comes to this. but thats not to say that women dont do it at all, but ive been there, and i know. men just over analyse to the point it drives them nuts. and then blame women!


anyway, im not entirely sure what the point of your orginal post was other than to ask about the state of mind of this girl, unless the ommission of your feelings towards the girl are accounted for?

Zombienosh

D wrote:

Stay with the new girl!

tbh

D

WhiteWashMan wrote:

JACKPOT WINNER!

Seeing as you're rich can I borrow E20 for food?

LegacyUser

who ever said that girl wanted a relationship - all it was was a kiss?!?

Victor

REDZ wrote:

i guess sometimes we never know we want something until somebody else has it. and i think girls are a bit like buses, as they tend to fall for you when your already attached.

No woman wants what no woman wants.

Just a point... wrote:

who ever said that girl wanted a relationship - all it was was a kiss?!?

Significant others tend to object to this.

LegacyUser

In response to WhiteWashMan:

The girl did play games on me before, she admitted it to me previously, she always put it down to just being a bit confused and it was okay anyway because we're just mates, to quote, "You're like my brother."

I think my feelings for the old girl took time, they'd been buried deep in library to be processed in some future time, and when you blow the dust off the cover sometimes you do feel a little nostalgic, and wonder about all the time you once spent, and whether or not you still could feel the same, is it worth the risk and hurting? I suppose another important factor is that I was having trouble with my girlfriend sexually aswell. Not our chemistry, but her medical problems, compounded with mood swings... in fact a lot of people on this board recommended I make a clean break... which I decided against.

In response to Just a Point:

It was only a kiss, but it was also the words "I love you". Now while a relationship and love can be mutually exclusive, generally they roll in and out of one. And yes, a kiss is grounds for a hard time from my girlfriend.

solice

Boy said boy loves new girl......
Boy said new girl loves boy.....
Old girl hurt boy, unintentional......
Boy knows exactly where he stands with new girl.....
Boy isnt sure where he stands with old girl.......
Better the devil you know?

Zillah

solice wrote:

Boy said boy loves new girl......
Boy said new girl loves boy.....
Old girl hurt boy, unintentional......
Boy knows exactly where he stands with new girl.....
Boy isnt sure where he stands with old girl.......
Better the devil you know?

Wait wait wait..... So the detectives knew that internal affairs were setting them up!?

Sharza-

Maddening wrote:

In response to WhiteWashMan:

The girl did play games on me before, she admitted it to me previously, she always put it down to just being a bit confused and it was okay anyway because we're just mates, to quote, "You're like my brother."

I think my feelings for the old girl took time, they'd been buried deep in library to be processed in some future time, and when you blow the dust off the cover sometimes you do feel a little nostalgic, and wonder about all the time you once spent, and whether or not you still could feel the same, is it worth the risk and hurting? I suppose another important factor is that I was having trouble with my girlfriend sexually aswell. Not our chemistry, but her medical problems, compounded with mood swings... in fact a lot of people on this board recommended I make a clean break... which I decided against.

In response to Just a Point:

It was only a kiss, but it was also the words "I love you". Now while a relationship and love can be mutually exclusive, generally they roll in and out of one. And yes, a kiss is grounds for a hard time from my girlfriend.

For the love of god man stay with your girlfriend.
And ditch the other as your friend too.

Shes just out to mess with your mind and use you. Its total bull**** that all this time she was shagging your mates and people around you that she loved you.

This is the fact. She knew she could have you so didnt, shes the challenge type girl, novelty lovers. If you meet up with her in 5 years time again with a wedding ring on your finger she will probably propose to you. Its quite a common breed unfortunately too.

You might think I sound bitter but im not, I just know EXACTLY whats going on with you because it really is 100% the same as what happened to me a few years back.

Shes a user and you deserve better from a so called friend.