Should I break up with her?

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl since October of last year, and I'm really falling for her. She's beautiful, smart and fun to be around. I've never been with a girl for a substantial amount of time before and this is the first relationship I've been in that I thought could last (I'm 18 and she's almost 20 by the way).

Before we met she was going out with a guy for over a year and as far as I know it was over but they decided to stay friends. They are still friends now and they still see each other socially quite often, I'm a pretty trusting guy and I'm not the jealous kind, so I made a deal out of it.

She left a few of her things in my bedroom when she left on friday. One of these things was her journal, I noticed there were a few photographs in the journal, so I opened it just to look at the photos, I had no intention of reading the journal entries. But as I was looking at one of the photo's my eyes got drawn to one of the journal entries, it said something like "johnsmith is really sweet .... but I still love x" johnsmith being me and x being her ex-boyfriend. I closed the journal immediately and didn't read any more.

I really have no idea where to go from here. Common sense tells me that if she still loves her ex-boyfriend then I should break up with her, but I really like this girl a lot and it would kill me to lose her.

What should I do next?

StupidLikeAFox

Might get a lot of crap for this but id say read the whole journal. Unless this was the very last entry, her mind may have changed. It'll also give you an insight into what shes thinking. If your gonna break it off anyway, ya might as well

I am MAN

This is a very intrusive thing to do and is really going to lead to a headf*ck for you. Of course she still has some feelings for her last boyfriend she was going out with him for over a year but if she says she still loves him at this stage her feelings towards you may be questionable.

Sit her down and ask her about how she feels for you and does she have good intentions for the relationship...you dont want to be rebound material.

LegacyUser

ColHol wrote:

Might get a lot of crap for this but id say read the whole journal. Unless this was the very last entry, her mind may have changed. It'll also give you an insight into what shes thinking. If your gonna break it off anyway, ya might as well

The journal entry was about 2 weeks ago. She took her journal back on saturday, so reading more of it is not an option. I haven't said anything to her about it yet, I'll be seeing her this evening. I don't want to break up with her, but am I just fooling myself if I stay with her?

Really need some advice before I see her again this evening, I have to confront her about it, but at the same time I don't want her to know that I read her journal.

LegacyUser

johnsmith wrote:

... I'm a pretty trusting guy and I'm not the jealous kind, so I made a deal out of it....

Just to clarify I meant to say that I didn't make a big deal out of it.

I think that I'll go and register another account, because it's annoying having to wait for your posts to be moderated.

johnsmith

ok, I have registered under this username to make it easier to post.

D_ranged

She might have left her journal there to test you. Women are the best when it comes to headf*cks!

johnsmith

@ D_ranged: Yeah, thought at first that she might have wanted me to read it because she left it next my computer, it's not like I went routing through her bags to find it. but I honestly don't think she would want me to read something like that.

@ I am Man: are you suggesting that I tell her that I read her journal albeit only a few lines, or should I just say that I was feeling that way anyway.

I am MAN

johnsmith wrote:

@ D_ranged: Yeah, thought at first that she might have wanted me to read it because she left it next my computer, it's not like I went routing through her bags to find it. but I honestly don't think she would want me to read something like that.

@ I am Man: are you suggesting that I tell her that I read her journal albeit only a few lines, or should I just say that I was feeling that way anyway.

@ColHol: I replied to your comment as a guest, if it doesn't appear within an hour, I'll reply again.

Dont say anything about the journal, Just say you have been thinking alot lately and would like to know how she feels.

johnsmith

I am MAN wrote:

Dont say anything about the journal, Just say you have been thinking alot lately and would like to know how she feels.

I asked her that about a week ago (before I read the excerpt from her journal). She said she was falling for me and she was so glad she met me and stuff like that. TBH that's enough for me at the moment I'm not expecting any exclamations of love.

I'm more worried about how she feels about her ex and if she is thinking about him instead of me. I'm gonna have to tell her that I'm not comfortable with her seeing him anymore. If I say all of this she will know that I read a bit of her journal. I have to say certain things to her, but she is going to figure out that I read her journal and that will really piss her off.

Gone West

just forget it for now, try and see by her if she does really have it bad for you/him.

preytec

here mate, if she felt love for the ex you can turn it around and use that to get here to love you, there's an ebook out there by ross jeffries and tells how you can get her to love you, it's a bit underhanded and kind of kicks the **** out of "love" but it's good and can come in handly

johnsmith

preytec wrote:

here mate, if she felt love for the ex you can turn it around and use that to get here to love you, there's an ebook out there by ross jeffries and tells how you can get her to love you, it's a bit underhanded and kind of kicks the **** out of "love" but it's good and can come in handly

Don't have a clue what the ebook is about. But I don't want to do anything "underhanded". Just want to know if the relationship is worth working on.

Pinx

Hi, I know you said her journal was left out in the open beside your computer, but what are you going to say to her if she asks if you read it? Prepare yourself! If it were me, I would deny it. I know I would absolutely die if my boyf ever read my diary! I don't think he would, but I know it would be pretty tempting. You don't know how ur girlf was feeling when she wrote that. Maybe she'd had a bad day and was reminded of him and that's just what she felt spontaneously. It doesn't mean she feels like that normally! She loves you and you know that, so my advice would be to forget about it and leave it at that!

I am MAN

Also bare in mind if she did feel that way about him she would not be clumsy with her journal.

Chinafoot

ask her out straight.

just say you've been thinking about the relationship and something doesn't feel right.

i would not recommend mentioning the journal. regardless of whether it was an accident or not it will be seen as a major invasion of privacy.

just tell her you're feeling a bit insecure about things and you're wondering if maybe she has feelings for her ex.......its a valid question when they are remaining friends, which can be very difficult in some situations.

even if she does still have feelings for him it doesn't mean that she has any intention of acting on them. i went out with a guy for almost 2 years and for months afterwards i still had feelings for him, despite seeing other people. and yet i knew that we ended our relationship for very good reasons and i would never go back. i reckon its the same thing here.

neuro-praxis

I think you should tell her what you told us. You only read a single line in her diary and that was it, you closed it. I think that's commendable! I would almost die with the temptation to read someone else's diary if I knew they would never know. And I would *certainly* understand if somebody couldn't resist reading mine. People are human. And they do dumb stuff. it is my responsibility to keep private things out of their way.

Only you know her and how she might respond, but if I were you, I would tell her I had seen that line on a page, had shut the book, and was now rather worried. If she absolutely flips out and breaks up with you - then this will have been her excuse to do it.

If she is reasonable then I think you guys may be able to work it out. Lying is never a good idea if you want the relationship to last. If you hadn't seen anything of consequence in there, there would be no need to say anything. But this is important. Don't waste your time with half truths and games. Be straightforward and things will work out easier. And if not easier, at least your conscience will be resting easy.

nobodythere

"She left a few of her things in my bedroom when she left on friday. One of these things was her journal, I noticed there were a few photographs in the journal, so I opened it just to look at the photos, I had no intention of reading the journal entries."

Lol just admit to opening it up and reading it:P There's some term in psychology (and I'm damned if I can remember it) to do with subconsciously leaving things around in places where they're likely to be found because subconsciously you want to tell somebody something but you can't say it straight out. Once you're aware of it you might notice yourself doing it from time to time. I have anyway. I'm just saying that she may have wanted you to see it at a subconscious level, possibly to rid herself of guilt.

Doodee

Its unfortunate that you read that journal. cause reguardless of whats said and done your still gonna feel weird everytime they hang out, it will pass through your head at some point in the future, and you'll begin to question the relationship and where you stand. best bet, probably come clean, if she throws a looper at your for reading her journal then i guess you've hit a nerve, if she is more compasionate about how you feel then maybe ,as people have been saying, she was having a bad day and just thinking about the what ifs.

At the end of the day dont let it ruin your night.

OLDYELLAR

I think honesty is the best policy here , just tell her the truth that you went to look at the photos , if she does go off the head about it , theres not much you can do about it ,
In fairness shes the one writing down she still loves her ex and then leaving it over at your house where you have every oportunity to read it , Get it out in the open maybe a heated argument is just what you need , this is when people mainly speak the truth anyway they just say whats in their head
If it was me i think id dump her because , theres nothing worse than not being able to trust a person and it just wrecks your head so much in the end , but its up to you at the end of the day can you handle the fact that at this moment in time your gf who your mad about is writing in a journal that she loves somebody else and she still spends time with him ?
I think i`d get way too paranoid and itd end in tears either way .
Its a very tough call though

Agent 99

Hi..

fair play for not reading the whole thing, if i were u i probably wouldve read it front to back,at least wouldve checked the last entry. But honestly, from a females perspective here, i dont recommend you tell her not to see "X" again, I think that'll just make you into the bad guy, because she wont appreciate you telling her what to do like that and id say it could end up being the source of many arguements to follow. Its a risk, you could pretend you never read it and take each day as it comes,maybe tell her you feel a bit jealous of the ex and wonder how she feels about him.if she was so sure it was him she loved she wouldnt be with you. However your head could be wrecked all the time so even tho its a risk, maybe tell her the truth. Explain how you never read on so you dont know if her feelings changed by now. what happened actually seems pretty innocent to me and could easily have happened to her!.. It also backs up my reasons for not keeping a journal... ALSO, if she is with you and genuinely loves someone else,thats not fair on you, so you need to find out.

good luck!

johnsmith

Ok, I talked to her last night. I told her that I was worried that she wanted to be with someone else (I didn't mention who someone else was). She said that she didn't understand. I kinda repeated the same thing again. She didn't really say anything so I said that if she's feeling like that maybe we should just call it quits. She started crying and told me that she didn't want that and she thought everything was ok. I asked her to tell me if I was the only one, she told me that I was. Long story short it ended in kisses and hugs.

At the time I thought it was resolved, but looking back now, I'm not quite sure. Maybe I should have told her about the journal because then I could've asked the questions I really wanted to ask her.

I might tell her about the journal this evening. What do ye all think I should do?

Thanks for everyones input up to now. It really has helped.

vorbis

tbh, I wouldn't confront the issue a second time. You'll start sounding like YOU want to end the relationship. Did you believe her when she said you were the only one? if you didn't you probably should break up anyways.

Sleepy

I wouldn't recommend telling her that you've read her diary. An ex of mine gave me her diary to read in a "wanting me to understand her better" thing and said after we'd broken up that it was something she felt ruined the relationship. Now, bare in mind I had permission to read it and never used anything in it against her in an argument or even teased her about any of her earlier teenage entries...

A diary isn't meant for someone else to read. TBH, I'd have read the full diary in your situation but I'd never have mentioned it or it's contents to her.

Leave this to rest. She's with you, not him and as you should know by now as a bulletin board user, we all write things that we look back at and think are stupid even a few days after we initially posted them.

The Clown Man

preytec wrote:

here mate, if she felt love for the ex you can turn it around and use that to get here to love you, there's an ebook out there by ross jeffries and tells how you can get her to love you, it's a bit underhanded and kind of kicks the **** out of "love" but it's good and can come in handly

ROFL!

Oh my god am I the only one who finds this really really funny and slightly disturbing?

You, my friend, need to sort out your fairly serious misconceptions of love and life.

OLDYELLAR

If i was your girlfriend id appreciate you being honest , id be sorta pissed you read my diary , but then again if i didnt want you to read it i wouldnt leave it in your house.
i think you should just tell her , your posting on here and its obvious last nights chat wasnt enough for ya , unless you get it out in the open it`ll eat away at ya and you`ll make it seem an even bigger issue than it may be in your head.
Anyway ye should`nt be spending too long on the subject of you reading the diary , just get it out , why would you write you love someone else?
I mean you read this right and then you asked her out straight about it , and she still said nothing , your being honest about the diary so she should be honest about what she wrote , rant rant you read it , thats not really an issue anymore her not being straight with you is .

logic1

johnsmith wrote:

At the time I thought it was resolved, but looking back now, I'm not quite sure. Maybe I should have told her about the journal because then I could've asked the questions I really wanted to ask her.

I might tell her about the journal this evening. What do ye all think I should do?

Thanks for everyones input up to now. It really has helped.

I'd just leave it now mate and stop torturing both yourself and the girl in question. You asked her if you were the only one and she said yes, in a relationship all you have is trust so take her word for it and let time tell.

.logic.

secret_squirrel

You opened pandora's box by reading the journal - you have to deal with it. Dont bring her into it or you will damage your relationship further than you have done already.

Plus the fact that most women I know would go crazy if someone read their diary.

You made this mistake - show some maturity and deal with it on your own.

chump

Read it... I know I would

Tell her you read it, and say you're disappointed with her for not being honest with you...

At the end of the day, you're already onto a losr, so you may as well push the envelope

Oddysseus

D_ranged wrote:

She might have left her journal there to test you. Women are the best when it comes to headf*cks!

yes. That's what I think, too. Just imagine...maybe she did it to check IF YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY.

A MAN SHOULD NEVER READ A DIARY. never. You can't win. You always lose.

My advice :

Pretend that you didn't read her diary. Don't talk about it.

Souperfreak

There are 2 scenarios here....

1. You tell her you read the diary and she blows her top and dumps you. (in that case she isn't worth it, you are human and you made a mistake)
2. you don't tell her and you becom, paranoid and freak out at her every chance you get over stupid things. (She will dump because you become possessive)

But there is third scenario

You calmly explain the situation. Come from the angle that it was an accident and you deeply regret it and you wish you could forget it. But you can't because you care about her too much so here you are in a complete dilemma and you need her help and understanding.

Tell her how much you care about her and you are worried after reading that line because you want the relationship to become so much more. You realize that you may not be at the love stage yet but you are working toward that.

If you come from the angle that you need her help she will forgive you.

Women want to be helpful and needed.

YOU MUST TELL HER OTHERWISE IT WILL FESTER AND YOU WILL RESENT HER AND THE EX AND TAKE IT OUT ON HER IN POSSESSIVE WAYS.

BE VERY VERY CAREFUL WHEN DEALING WITH THIS IF SHE GETS HER BACK UP ABOUT THIS YOU MUST NOT RISE TO THE ARGUEMENT BUT WITHDRAW AND CONTINUE TO APOLOGIZE. SAY THINGS I CAN SEE YOU ARE UPSET AND THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION I AM JUST WORRIED BECAUSE I REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU.

GOOD LUCK!

OLDYELLAR

personally i dont know how you have`nt went off on one about this yet , if my boyfriend left a diary around , i`d try not to read it , but i would`nt really expect to see anything interseting in there anyway , but if i saw that i would`nt even let him question me on why i read it , I`d be the one making him expalin why he`d write down i love x , and again why he`d leave something with i love x wrote on it somewhere that i could possibly read it and get very hurt about it , I think diaries are a bad idea , things you say can be blamed on the heat of the moment , things you write involved thought and can be very hurtful if the wrong person gets them , fair enough bla bla diaries are personal you should`nt read them but human nature is human nature , I would`nt go anywhere near a friends diary but a partner thats different .
Just say it to her , why did you write it ?

LegacyUser

Was in this situation once, read the gfs diary in a moment of curious weakness while she was not around. Felt guilty as ****e until I came across a simliar entry that hit me for six.

Long story short we had a confronation on the issue (I never mentioned I read the diary) and she still wanted to be with me. I became quite untrusting and it did fester, always questioning her on her whereabouts etc. My trust in her went , (as I'm sure her trust in me would if she ever found out I read it) Eventually I got very possesive, resenting and paranoid and that led to us breaking up.

Upshot is you may have to reset your brain and try to wipe any knowledge of the diary entry from your head. You must trust her or you are doomed.

Not sure there is any advice there just a warning.

Victor

I don't think it's a crime to still love someone form your past. Wouldn't it be an ultimate betrayal of love* to say today "I love you" and then to not love that person in a year's time? If you love someone that should be it, unless they do something Really Bad™, you should not stop having (at least some) love for them. Do you not look back at your ex.s with some fondness?

She's with you, she likes you. Work on it. It may not be "Happy ever after"™, but enjoy the ride.

I denouce any soppy elements of this post.

WhiteWashMan

Victor wrote:

I don't think it's a crime to still love someone form your past.

but there has got to be a time when really, you have to move on. it may not be a crime, but it does get unhealthy after a while....

Victor wrote:

Wouldn't it be an ultimate betrayal of love* to say today "I love you" and then to not love that person in a year's time?

no, why should love have to have a time limit on it? people change, and circumstances change, and love is as subject to these circumstances as any emotion.

Victor wrote:

If you love someone that should be it, unless they do something Really Bad™, you should not stop having (at least some) love for them. Do you not look back at your ex.s with some fondness?

most of them, yes
but i also dont agree that you if you love someone you should stick withthem. ive been there, and it didnt work. we didnt do anything bad to each other, we just werent meant to be. and a relationship is not built just on the emotion love. it is built on friendshsip, respect, companionship, humour, love, lust and a myriad of other things. and if some of thee dont work, you cant just keep fooling yourself that you 'have to work harder' to make it work. if it doesnt work, it doesnt work. doesnt mean you dont love them. just means youre not good for each other.

Victor wrote:

She's with you, she likes you. Work on it. It may not be "Happy ever after"™, but enjoy the ride.

why cant people have happily ever after? why should people sell themselves short?
theres a difference between being realistic, and just killing all hope in people!

Victor

WhiteWashMan wrote:

but i also dont agree that you if you love someone you should stick withthem. ive been there, and it didnt work. we didnt do anything bad to each other, we just werent meant to be. and a relationship is not built just on the emotion love. it is built on friendshsip, respect, companionship, humour, love, lust and a myriad of other things. and if some of thee dont work, you cant just keep fooling yourself that you 'have to work harder' to make it work. if it doesnt work, it doesnt work. doesnt mean you dont love them. just means youre not good for each other.

OK, fair enough, I'm not saying because you love someone now that you must eternally love them, however the dominant discourse of "hate your ex" is a tad extreme.

WhiteWashMan wrote:

why cant people have happily ever after? why should people sell themselves short? theres a difference between being realistic, and just killing all hope in people!

Call me a lonely cynic. I'm not saying "sell yourself short", but like the guy who holds out for the best possible deal, sometimes the deal goes elsewhere when the seller gets fed up.

athena 2000

johnsmith wrote:

At the time I thought it was resolved, but looking back now, I'm not quite sure. Maybe I should have told her about the journal because then I could've asked the questions I really wanted to ask her.

Johnsmith, you had your chance to be fully honest and you didn't follow through. Now you feel unsure and it's too late to mention this again to your girlfriend. I don't mean to be highly critical, but you played a mind game with her without revealing the truth of your mistake. As a result you got the news that she wanted to be with you. You should be satisfied with that answer - it's what you settled for instead of asking the questions you really wanted to.

I agree with secret_squirrel and the others here that think you need to leave it alone and deal with it on your own. You made a mistake, so forgive yourself and go on. None of us get any guarantees that the object of our affection feels the same way about us that we do about them.

Gone West

you cant live in the past move on i know its hard, but you should try

WhiteWashMan

Victor wrote:

OK, fair enough, I'm not saying because you love someone now that you must eternally love them, however the dominant discourse of "hate your ex" is a tad extreme.Call me a lonely cynic.


I'm not saying "sell yourself short", but like the guy who holds out for the best possible deal, sometimes the deal goes elsewhere when the seller gets fed up.

and i agree with noth of thopse statements.
i dont hate any of my ex's
i think that sort of thinking is a bit sad tbh.

and i think through experience you get to realize the person you should stick with may not be 'the one' from a fairy tale, but is the best you are likely to get.
im glad i got all my fairy tales though, so maybe there is room for the happy ending?

pickarooney

I agree with Victor, I think if you can only truly love someone if they bring about positive change in your life, otherwise it's just treading water or romantic sparring. For me, the love you have for a person stays with you all your life, it's just that its importance lessens over time or in relation to what you feel for someone new.

johnsmith

I agree that it would have been better to bring the issue up earlier. The way I see it I have two options now.

Not tell her: I will continue to have unsure feelings around her and her ex will always be in the back of my head.

OR

Tell her: She may resent me for reading it, she may even break up with me, but at the very least it brings a resoloution and I won't always be worrying about her true feelings.

I have been thinking that maybe I should show her this thread because I'm pretty bad at expressing myself and talking about sensitive subjects like this. Then at least she can read some of my thoughts on the issue, just like I read some of hers in her journal.

Have people got any advice on what to do?

I should probably mention that she's gone to work and her bag is in my bedroom now and more than likely her journal is in it, but I really don't want to go down the road of reading more of it.

johnsmith

Anybody have any advice?