Somebody help me with this.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 4:57pm #1

I have been goin out with a girl for a number of years and over the last while things have been crap. Here is what has being going on.

My g/f goes out every weekend with just her mates and doesn't invite me. I don't mind her being with her friends but the problem is we haven't gone out in months together. I ask her does she want to go anywhere when she doesn't have plans and all i get is "Sorry i'm not in the mood", after about an hour she will get a text or phone call from one of her friends and she will run out the door and down to the pub to be with them. All I want out of this situation is for her to spend some time with me because it comes across to me that she is embarressed by me. We never had this problem before and she broke up with me saying that she just wanted to get her feelings strainght. I was really cut up about it and I begged her not to break up with me. She took full responsibility for the break up yet all of a sudden it is now my fault for various reasons that are completely untrue.... i.e. I'm suppose to be possessive, lazy, uncaring, selfish and a whole host of other things.

What do you all think???????

Gilgamesh · 10-02-2005 5:01pm

don't know what you want to know.
If I read it right you aren't with her anymore?
Get out there then and have a fun time.
You could have gone out yourself in the time she left you sitting at home, there was nothing really stopping you.

Sleepy · 10-02-2005 5:03pm

Have some dignity and end the relationship. You don't need to be with anyone you have to beg for anything. Sure, you may love her but you definitely don't seem to be in a very loving relationship. Break up with her and get on with your life. You'll find that when you do find someone that you love and that loves you back you'll look back on this and wonder what the hell you were ever doing with her.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 5:04pm

I did try to go out and she fealt guilty that I went to the pub on my own so she invited me to the pub she was in with her mates and when we got home that night she ate the head off me. All I want is to salvage what is a great relationship or at least part on talking terms but she said she won't talk to me unless I beg for forgiveness and change my ways so that she can spend no time with me and 7 nights a week with her mates.

fade2black · 10-02-2005 5:04pm

Honestly....I think this girl enjoys being out and pretending she's single. Id say she also likes sitting in and watching DVDS with you on a monday or something. The reason she doesn't like going out with you is because it's telling everyone that she's not single...

ChRoMe · 10-02-2005 5:04pm

If you aint with her anymore what does it matter what she thinks. You werent really in a relationship by the description you gave of her turning you down to only run off with her mates.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 5:05pm

Sleepy wrote:

Have some dignity and end the relationship. You don't need to be with anyone you have to beg for anything. Sure, you may love her but you definitely don't seem to be in a very loving relationship. Break up with her and get on with your life. You'll find that when you do find someone that you love and that loves you back you'll look back on this and wonder what the hell you were ever doing with her.

I love her more than life itself but this is my fourth serious relationship where at the end I have been walked all over.

Beruthiel · 10-02-2005 5:06pm

if you have any self respect left you will dump her and get on with your life,
unless you like being treated like a piece of crap?

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 5:07pm

the problem is she never even stayed in the same room as me. when I tried to go home she begged me to stay the night. we do nothing at all together anymore and thats whats is killing me. I've tried everything.

tinkerbell · 10-02-2005 5:07pm

She's treating you like crap. You can find someone better, you don't need to put up with being treated like second best.

Sleepy · 10-02-2005 5:07pm

Well, it's time to grow a spine then and stop letting people walk all over you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but people only walk all over you if you let them.

Beruthiel · 10-02-2005 5:08pm

sad&lonely wrote:

I love her more than life itself but this is my fourth serious relationship where at the end I have been walked all over.

do you see a pattern here then?
it would be a good idea to stay single for a while and work on your own self esteem, if you allow people to walk all over you, they will

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 5:09pm

ok just to clear a few things up. she is really lovely and this only started happening when she started hanging around with one girl in particular. the girl took an instant disliking to me even though she never spoke to me and my g/f seems to be turning into her.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 5:10pm

Beruthiel wrote:

do you see a pattern here then?
it would be a good idea to stay single for a while and work on your own self esteem, if you allow people to walk all over you, they will

I don't let them but the second that I stand up for myself she says i'm angry and shouting when it is not the case. I know I can be an a**hole at times and I say sorry and make it up to her but she somehow has an image of me being some sort of control freak.

Tobias Greeshman · 10-02-2005 5:18pm

I was in a relationship similar to OP where I always felt second best, and I have to say its painful and hurts a lot. I liked her a lot and she always put me after her friend. I seemed to think that she would change every time I was out with her or sleeping with her. I kept saying that it'll get better, but it didn't.

It seems like this new friend is the problem, give her an ultimatum. "Its me or that bitch".

Also in general people dont change! Its of no fault of your own, its theirs!

daddy's girl · 10-02-2005 5:26pm

sad&lonely wrote:

I ask her does she want to go anywhere when she doesn't have plans and all i get is "Sorry i'm not in the mood", after about an hour she will get a text or phone call from one of her friends and she will run out the door and down to the pub to be with them.

What do you all think???????

sweet i'm not a mean person but from that piece over there, the writings on the wall, just gather up wat you have left of self respect and out the door of the relationship and end it quietly. don't argue, just leave while you are still sane. okay, just do it.

:cool:

Chad ghostal · 10-02-2005 5:57pm

sad&lonely wrote:

I don't let them but the second that I stand up for myself she says i'm angry and shouting when it is not the case. I know I can be an a**hole at times and I say sorry and make it up to her but she somehow has an image of me being some sort of control freak.

this is her manipulating you, she is beating you down by playing the victim and your falling for it..
trust yourself, you know you're not being either of these things.

sad&lonely wrote:

ok just to clear a few things up. she is really lovely and this only started happening when she started hanging around with one girl in particular. the girl took an instant disliking to me even though she never spoke to me and my g/f seems to be turning into her.

she sounds like a childish insecure *****, just dump her sorry ass and feel good about it.

she has no respect for you and obviously doesnt care about you.

She will dump you as soon as she finds someone else.

get on with your own life.

neuro-praxis · 10-02-2005 6:08pm

You teach people how to treat you.

I know that you love her, but love is not feelings, it is actions. She does not treat you in a loving way therefore she does not love you. Your self-esteem is going through the floor and you need to pack your bags and go.

Then take some time looking at yourself and why your relationships may be failing. If this is your fourth serious girl then at least you know that you can attract women! So learn from your mistakes and get back out there. You will be happy eventually if you know what you want.

seamus · 10-02-2005 6:14pm

sad&lonely wrote:

this only started happening when she started hanging around with one girl in particular. the girl took an instant disliking to me even though she never spoke to me and my g/f seems to be turning into her.

Sounds like something has changed recently. New job, new college course, new something. Now she wants a new image and a new life to go with it, and probably a new man.

No matter how much you try and justify anything by replying, you've as good as admitted yourself that the relationship is almost dead. Finish it off.

MizzKattt · 10-02-2005 6:36pm

Wow! It does not sound as if you are ready to give up on her no matter how she treats you.
*Is the relationship repairable?
*Have you tried talking to her about this?
*If so, what type of results did you receive?
*Did she say she would work on it?
*Did you?
*Is the relationship worth putting yourself through more of the same?
I think you need to ask yourself what you really want out of life and out of a partner (not whom it should be with), and decide from there if she will be the person to help you achieve it.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 6:39pm

nothing has changed with her other than this new friend. the "friend" when they started being so ignored her for 2 months and everynight she cried on my shoulder about it and I was there for her. i know if I tried I could attract more women but I don't feel like I'm that attractive. I try my best but nothing seems to work, I gave her the ultimatum of me or her friend and she wouldn't choose because I would not like the choice so I decided to leave and she asked my to stay. they didn't talk for a while and now the friend is sniffing around again and that is why i'm being treated so.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 6:44pm

MizzKattt wrote:

Wow! It does not sound as if you are ready to give up on her no matter how she treats you.
*Is the relationship repairable?
*Have you tried talking to her about this?
*If so, what type of results did you receive?
*Did she say she would work on it?
*Did you?
*Is the relationship worth putting yourself through more of the same?
I think you need to ask yourself what you really want out of life and out of a partner (not whom it should be with), and decide from there if she will be the person to help you achieve it.

Wow! It does not sound as if you are ready to give up on her no matter how she treats you.
*Is the relationship repairable? I think so........
*Have you tried talking to her about this? Yes.........
*If so, what type of results did you receive? Nothing other than I don't have enough time for you because college/work comes before you then after you is my friends.
*Did she say she would work on it? yes. she worked on it and the last few months have been grand apart for the going out with me once in a while thing.
*Did you? yes. I stay awake till 3,4,5,6 in the morning to collect her from the night out with her mates, I buy her gifts, I do everything for her.
*Is the relationship worth putting yourself through more of the same? it was until recently... but she still insists she loves me but I have to change.

MizzKattt · 10-02-2005 6:48pm

sad&lonely wrote:

it was until recently... but she still insists she loves me but I have to change.

If you have to change to make her happy, does she really love you? You're breaking my heart with how hard you're trying and accomplishing little to no results. It doesn't sound as if you have been happy in this relationship for some time. What makes you want to stay?

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 6:51pm

MizzKattt wrote:

If you have to change to make her happy, does she really love you? You're breaking my heart with how hard you're trying and accomplishing little to no results. It doesn't sound as if you have been happy in this relationship for some time. What makes you want to stay?

I have been happy but out of the blue she dumped me saying that she has been acting happy. I want to stay because I know what kind of a person she really is.... lovely and kind. It is killing me thats things have come to this and she won't even look at me let alone speak to me. I don't know what to do.

goin'_to_the_PS · 10-02-2005 6:57pm

*************sorry

goin'_to_the_PS · 10-02-2005 6:58pm

Beruthiel wrote:

do you like being treated like a piece of crap

got it in one

(some minor editing)

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 6:58pm

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

got it in one

(some minor editing)

no I hate it, it drives me mad.

MizzKattt · 10-02-2005 6:59pm

I think you're doing it. You have to mourn the loss. She might very well be a lovely, kind, and wonderful girl, but you have said she hasn't been to you as of late. She may well be those things again in the far future, but it sounds as if she is still sorting herself out for now. It is a tiny shred of hope, one I wouldn't hold too hard to.

Additionally, her friend may be a source of instigation but ultimately she decides what she does and doesn't do. She is allowing herself to be led astray by this friend.

Based on what you have posted, I think you and she would be better with some space from each other regardless of how much it hurts.

PM me if you need to vent or b*tch and moan.

goin'_to_the_PS · 10-02-2005 7:01pm

it looks to me like you feel like you need her, why do you need someone who treats you like crap?
do out a list of reasons why you love her. (i'm say it will be short)

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 7:04pm

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

it looks to me like you feel like you need her, why do you need someone who treats you like crap?
do out a list of reasons why you love her. (i'm say it will be short)

The list is long, I adore everything she does but recently I'm sick of it. I don't want to loose her I just want her to change back to the person she was, the person I fell in love with.

Mizzkattt thanks.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 7:40pm

come on peops helpme out.

Jekell · 10-02-2005 7:44pm

sad&lonely wrote:

I did try to go out and she fealt guilty that I went to the pub on my own so she invited me to the pub she was in with her mates and when we got home that night she ate the head off me.

Why did you go to the pub on your own? Did you not have other friends to go out with?

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 7:47pm

i do but i was staying in her house that night and she lives a good 45 min drive from me. i was already in her house when she just up and left.

MizzKattt · 10-02-2005 7:57pm

We have all been there. Once in our lives, most of us have loved someone more than they loved us. Mr. Sad&Lonely, everything you post makes the relationship sound so one sided and not in your favor. Honor yourself. Demand more respect for yourself. Everyone is entitled to basic considerations. She will either live up to it or not. If she is unable or unwilling, then you have to be willing to respect yourself enough to wait for someone who will.

Are you certain the girl you perceived her to be is who she really is?

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 7:59pm

she is. I know in my heart she is. she has acted like this for only about 5% of our relationship. if even.

tinkerbell · 10-02-2005 8:14pm

sad&lonely wrote:

but she still insists she loves me but I have to change.

Eh ... YOU have to change? Isn't she the one that won't go out with you and when you suggest to go out, she says no, then one of her friends calls and she's out the door like a rocket? She obviously has no respect for you at all.

I reckon SHE is the one that needs to cop on and stop acting like a selfish twat. You're better off without her if she's making you feel miserable. She doesn't love you if she's treating you like crap. But if you want to stay in a loveless relationship, then go ahead.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 8:21pm

i don't want it to be a loveless relationship I want it to go back to the way it was.

neuro-praxis · 10-02-2005 8:29pm

It's not going to go back to the way it was unless SHE changes. You can't make her change so YOU need to call it a day.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 8:40pm

i have agreed to be more affectionate and understaning and all the crap she listed to me if she changes and she just won't accept it yet that she also has to change.

tinkerbell · 10-02-2005 8:48pm

Well try again and make her see that she HAS to change, coz she's being a selfish git the way she's acting at the moment. She's treating you like total crap and making you feel bad about yourself when she's the one at fault here.

If she refuses to change, well then you have two options:
(a) dump her and find someone who will respect you and love you
(b) stay in this relationship and you change your ways and be a lot more miserable, she doesn't change her ways and continues to walk all over you.

If she listed a load of stuff to you, then YOU list stuff to her. If she refuses to co-operate, well then you know where you stand. A relationship is a two-way thing, not a dictatorship. She can't tell you to change, and then refuse to change herself. It'll only work if she cops on, if not, well then you'll just have to move on.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 8:54pm

tinkerbell wrote:

Well try again and make her see that she HAS to change, coz she's being a selfish git the way she's acting at the moment. She's treating you like total crap and making you feel bad about yourself when she's the one at fault here.

If she refuses to change, well then you have two options:
(a) dump her and find someone who will respect you and love you
(b) stay in this relationship and you change your ways and be a lot more miserable, she doesn't change her ways and continues to walk all over you.

If she listed a load of stuff to you, then YOU list stuff to her. If she refuses to co-operate, well then you know where you stand. A relationship is a two-way thing, not a dictatorship. She can't tell you to change, and then refuse to change herself. It'll only work if she cops on, if not, well then you'll just have to move on.

I know, i'm trying at the moment. i bumped into her today and asked her to talk to me and she said she will text me this afternoon with a time/venue to talk and I haven't heard anything yet but i'm trying to be optimistic.

I love her so much though and I don't know why she can't see that this is driving both me and her crazy.

40crush41 · 10-02-2005 9:22pm

im very sorry to read all this, i just wanted to make a comment that u said she used to be one way, and now she has changed into something worse.

sometimes people change. not always for the worse, but sometimes, yup, they do. in the case here, it seems that she has sadly changed for the worse due to a nasty little friend she has. i do not know the girl, but it kills me that this once lovely person was brought down by the influence of another stupid person. i havn't a clue of what u can do to change this. surely if u tell her her friend is corrupting her, she'll flip. but as long as the friend is around, can u do anything to help the relationship? it seems that shes one way with you, and another with this friend. crazily enough, i know what this is like b/c a dear friend of mine is currently doing this to me. and it hurts. but yea, i love my friend and i want whats best for her -just as im sure u want whats best for this girl.
but then again, at the same time ur needs can't always be forgotten. how much can one sacrifice for another person who doesn't even appreciate the sacrifices being made?
what to do, what to do.. this wasn't much help was it?
wish u the best, take care ~Beth

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 9:25pm

40crush41 wrote:

im very sorry to read all this, i just wanted to make a comment that u said she used to be one way, and now she has changed into something worse.

sometimes people change. not always for the worse, but sometimes, yup, they do. in the case here, it seems that she has sadly changed for the worse due to a nasty little friend she has. i do not know the girl, but it kills me that this once lovely person was brought down by the influence of another stupid person. i havn't a clue of what u can do to change this. surely if u tell her her friend is corrupting her, she'll flip. but as long as the friend is around, can u do anything to help the relationship? it seems that shes one way with you, and another with this friend. crazily enough, i know what this is like b/c a dear friend of mine is currently doing this to me. and it hurts. but yea, i love my friend and i want whats best for her -just as im sure u want whats best for this girl.
but then again, at the same time ur needs can't always be forgotten. how much can one sacrifice for another person who doesn't even appreciate the sacrifices being made?
what to do, what to do.. this wasn't much help was it?
wish u the best, take care ~Beth

it was a good help. everybody here has hit the nail on the head. I will always try my hardest with her and I just hope that sooner or later her friend gets lost because she will then see all I have done and all that I continue to do for her.

40crush41 · 10-02-2005 9:42pm

but what will u do while the friend is around?

since the friend is such a jerk, i wouldn't die of shock if she dumped your girl to go mess up someone elses life. (man, i can be a bit harsh at times). and yes, hopefully she will see all that u have done for her, and that u stuck by her, listened to her, bought her nice things, and really do love her. and if she doesn't, i'll give her a swift kick in the bottom. no, im just kidding.

in the end, i say its a gamble, but it seems like you think shes worth it

may it work out for the best ~Beth

secret_squirrel · 10-02-2005 10:09pm

sad&lonely wrote:

it was a good help. everybody here has hit the nail on the head. I will always try my hardest with her and I just hope that sooner or later her friend gets lost because she will then see all I have done and all that I continue to do for her.

And you wonder why you always get walked over? - for gods sake show some spine and dump the wagon.

Your self respect is more important than your love (dependence?) for her.

sad&lonely · 10-02-2005 10:52pm

secret_squirrel wrote:

And you wonder why you always get walked over? - for gods sake show some spine and dump the wagon.

Your self respect is more important than your love (dependence?) for her.

but it has to do with her friend so it is not her fault that is why i want her because when her friend gets lost she will be back to normal.

Dr. Paco · 11-02-2005 1:25am

Sad&lonely,

Dr. Paco feels your pain....we all have someone we love so dearly, and end up losing at some point. But let me ask you this question.....

Who are you? and once you ask yourself who you are, as in the person you are, then do you really want to be something you are not? It sounds as if the love you have for this girl is a love you may have for the type of person she is....and not the person that she's being. Although life is never easy, you must realize that one should not have to change their entire personality to please one person. Minor character flaws can be corrected such as nail biting or hair style....but the bigger picture of who you are should remain the same.

Dr. Paco knows of this all to well with a recent young woman that crossed his path. As much as she may have been something of a desire to Dr. Paco, he remembers that one must not change into something they are not simply to impress on person. Many others who like you for you and will like you for you will outnumber the one.

So as much as it hurts, Dr. Paco says to experience the pain, mourn the loss of time and invested strength, and prepare to move forward to someone that will appreciate and desire you for who you are.

Remember when life gives you lemons, find someone whom life gave vodka to and have a party.

40crush41 · 11-02-2005 1:55am

<Remember when life gives you lemons, find someone whom life gave vodka to and have a party.>
thats awesome

well done dr. poco, those are some good words for sad&lonely to hear. (i mean ur whole post, not just the quote

)

Dr. Paco · 11-02-2005 2:28am

40crush41....thank you. Dr. Paco enjoys to just share his insights on life with others and is happy to have stumbled across this board through the assistance of a friend.

meepmeep · 11-02-2005 8:24am

sad&lonely wrote:

but it has to do with her friend so it is not her fault that is why i want her because when her friend gets lost she will be back to normal.

This is the most frustrating thing I ever read in my life.

What age are you btw? Coz adults surely don't behave like that.

Don't be such a wimp, and dump her. This whole begging her to be with you thing is pathetic - get some self respect man.

Excuse me:

(arrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

sad&lonely · 11-02-2005 9:20am

meepmeep wrote:

This is the most frustrating thing I ever read in my life.

What age are you btw? Coz adults surely don't behave like that.

Don't be such a wimp, and dump her. This whole begging her to be with you thing is pathetic - get some self respect man.

Excuse me:

(arrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

I am in my early 20's. I do love the girl for what she was and how she used to treat me. Now that it has all changed I tried to talk to her and she just rubbishs it off on how I feel. She has gotten rid of all her friends and people she used to talk to and ony talks/hangs around with this one girl. I know that her friend told her many bad stories about her two best friends and she basically told them to get lost so as far as I am concerned the problem lies with her friend not being a friend to her. She wanted to text me and was out with this friend, she sent her friend a text saying I miss/love him so much I'm gonna text him and her friends advice was not to that she would find somebody that treats her better.

Somebody help me with this.

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