Here are a few jokes

Lucifer · 05-04-2001 9:39pm #1

"The Voodoo Dick"
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold
sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll,
but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the
dildos, for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the
old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and
he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick."
"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box
carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its
box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole
door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, go back in your
box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there
quietly once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered
to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for
his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The
voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided
she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go
to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly
made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping
and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a
voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, Voodoo
dick my ass!"

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"My Dog, Sex"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He
said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said
he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand.
I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a
kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room
for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there
looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told
me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I
had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog.
I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me
too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday
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"Bar Prostitute"
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe
walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her
and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the
rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to
him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it
true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new
Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me,
it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with
her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob
was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible"
"Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my *******s."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on *******s. Trust me,
it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her,
and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the
pleasure he receives.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm
hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where
between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan"
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"Dumber by the minute"
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy
walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger
than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the
beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
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"Smart-Ass Excuse"
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that
would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no
excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death
in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room
asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best
to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the
student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write
with your other hand."
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"Ten Blondes and a Brunette"
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. (I
don't know how they got there -- it's a joke, okay.) Ten were blonde, and
one was brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if
they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette gave a really
touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others.
All of the blondes started clapping.
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"Penis Tattoos"
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis
to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible;
when deflated, it read Wy.
After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was
delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two
beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional
beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a
cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the
bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to
stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his
penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend
must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA.
ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"