sick of 'boyf'

LegacyUser

Hi all.
Im just wondering what i should to re: my boyfriend/father of my son..
While in work yesterday my mum came into me very annoyed/upset because dave(my bloke) was after slapping my 15 month old son for absolutly no reason at all. According to my mum dave is constantly upsetting kian, if not shouting at him then picking him up by his shoulders and shaking him. Lately, past month or so, dave has been teaching him to headbutt. Last saturday morning kian climbed onto our bed grabbed daves hair and headbutted him and as a result his nose bled quite badly, he totally lost his head and started to slap kian, poor kid is still marked, he told me that if 'you dont shut it youll get it next'. He apologised to me after he had calmed down and gave kian a cuddle. Im very hurt over this as kian is only a baby and dave has been showing him this, he didnt realise it was wrong. He spends all day in my mums house as he left his job before xmas. My mum told me yesterday that she wasnt gonna let 'that scumbag' look after her granchild anymore and she is willing to take care of him while im at work, she also said that if i ever left kian with dave again then im not welcome at home(parents) any more . This is causing a LOT of tension with dave now... he told me that his hand 'collided' with kians. I cant afford to leave him as we've got a house together and kian and myself wont have anywhere to go. Im scared that this is going to get extremly out of hand though. i dont know what to do.

Gordon

It requires a great stretch of the imagination to believe that your one year old child has been taught to give his father a Glasgow kiss. To my memory 15 month olds are babies. However I am not a parent so my understanding is light on this matter.

However, you are saying that your boyfriend has physically abused your 1 year old child and 'didnt realise it was wrong'?

How old are you by the way?

RicardoSmith

Babies head butt its normal. They also bite, and kick, they dont know any better. Theres no reason in the world to slap a 15 month baby. They need to be taught, not salpped about. Thats just abuse. To be honest this is an issue for social services. That bloke needs sorting out, and really you should have more sense than to stay with someone who is willing to hit your baby and you. Hes a scumbag. What more do you need to know?

gerryk

You can't afford to leave because of co-owning a house? Well here's something to chew on. How will you feel if/when then next time he hits Kian that he ends up more than 'still marked', possibly permanently scarred or worse.
Put a stop to this now!

koneko

Your child deserves better than to be beaten, and you deserve better.
'if you dont shut it youll get it next' sounds healthy to you?
He's a scumbag, as Ricardo said, and this is NOT a good situation for either of you to be in. Get out now. Surely you can stay with your parents if you don't have anywhere else to go, or with friends? It will be hard at first, but it's better in the long run I'm sure.

Sleepy

Listen to your mother.

pickarooney

Lock him out and get a restraining order, after you've reported his child-abuse to the police. Or at the very least put your child in safe hands (your mother's sound like a good bet).

skywalker

as has been said before 15 month olds dont generally headbutt people or "climb up onto beds" to the best of my knowledge. sounds trollish.

anywho leaving that aside. how can you say you cant leave him for financial reasons when hes "left his job" surely hes not contributing if hes not working.

bottom line is he sounds like a complete scumbag and you need to leave him, if not for your sake, then for your babies.

Chad ghostal

THROW dave out the ****ing door..
who the hell slaps a 15mo child?

b3t4

xxericaxx wrote:

I cant afford to leave him as we've got a house together and kian and myself wont have anywhere to go.

There is always somewhere to go and always a means to do it, it's wheither you can be bothered/concerned enough to organise it or not is the question. Your parents place by any chance, a loan to cover some initial costs...

This is for the safety of your child, do what a parent should do and protect their child. Remove this guy from your life at once or remove the child from yeer relationship by sending the child to your parents to live. If you don't do something and take control of the situation you can be damn sure it will get worse.

Also, just as a reminder, your child does grow up and you'd be suprised at what they can remember.

A.

[Jackass]

Dave is a scumbag...leave him and get your independence now, before your trapped with him, unable to leave...sounds to me, you could stay with your mother untill you get back on your feet...which would be worse? Leaving him now and having to start again? Or not being able to leave him if/when he starts to beat on you....
BTW, he also sounds like an idiot...he teaches a kid to headbutt...and eventually the kid headbutts him, so he kicks the crap out of him? twat.....
And whoever said it's natural for kids to headbutt etc., that's true, but very few of them have been trained to split a grown mans nose with one!!
You don't want your kid growing up learing that stuff do ya?

Zulu

Assuming you're not a troll, just remember:
YOU are RESPONSIBLE for your child.
Do what ever you have to, to protect your child.

davej

There's been some question over what a 15 month child can and cannot do..

http://www.pamf.org/children/common/development/15mon.html

Gross Motor (large muscle group movements):
Walks along steadily. Stops and starts, stoops and recovers, walks backwards and explores. Can crawl up stairs and climb on objects. Rolls a ball and anticipates the return.

Fine Motor (hand movements):
Uses cup well. Starting to use spoon. Scribbles spontaneously. Builds tower of two blocks.

Language:
Can say three to six words. Understands simple commands such as "Give me" and "Come here." Can point to things he/she wants. Points accurately to one or two body parts.

Social:
Recognizes self in mirror. Hugs. Pats a picture book and pays attention to a story being read. Needs to say "No." Growing independence. Starts "testing" parents. May have temper tantrums.

davej

petes

You say he shakes your son. Ever heard of shaking baby syndrome. Not trying to scare you but you should read this http://www.thearc.org/faqs/Shaken.html

tinkerbell

Your child will hate you when he grows up for staying in an abusive relationship. Have you not even considered how your child will turn out by being hit like that at such a young age? By being brought up by a violent father, the child will probably adopt your boyfriend's values as well.

Not only is your boyfriend beating your child, but he also threatened you. How much more of a wake up call do you need? What happens when he turns on you and beats the crap out of you, or even beats your son so bad that he puts him into intensive care?

Don't be a fool - listen to your mother. Your boyfriend doesn't love you or your son if he's like that.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend is a scumbag. Leave now.

LegacyUser

Very apt. signature Cheesedude.

LegacyUser

im nearly 21 to the person that asked. This is not a troll. Im genuinely worried about Kian, he is quite capable of climbing, up on couch up on bed up the stairs ect...and he is wel able to headbutt, ive seen dave teaching him as did my parents/olivia (daves sister) in fact she lost her temper with him for shouting at Kian. Thing is hes not always horrible to us, Kian seems to pick up on his moods pretty well and omly seems scared when dave raises his voice.
I dont think dave would allow Kian to live with my mum/dad. He doesnt really get on with them.

RicardoSmith

DubGuy22 wrote:

...
And whoever said it's natural for kids to headbutt etc., that's true, but very few of them have been trained to split a grown mans nose with one!!
You don't want your kid growing up learing that stuff do ya?

They do it to test the response and to see what it feels like. Same way they'll whack themselves and make themself cry. They'll also mimic what they see without really know why they are doing it.

Stark

There are womens groups who should be able to help you with the practicalities of splitting up from him.

Calibos

He spends all day in my mums house as he left his job before xmas.

I dont think dave would allow Kian to live with my mum/dad. He doesnt really get on with them

?????

b3t4

xxxericaxxx wrote:

I dont think dave would allow Kian to live with my mum/dad.

The way Dave is treating your son means that it doesn't matter what he will allow or won't allow, that is now irrellavent. Do you think the parents that have their children removed from their care because of neglect or abuse have any chose in the matter when social services gets involved??

If you do not do something to protect your child from this abuse you might as well be committing the abuse yourself.

A.

Slutmonkey57b

If "dave" wants to continue seeing his kids he needs to get help. In any case, he's in the wrong and has no business dictating to you what the family needs or who looks after his kids. A lot of your post is nonsensical though.

* You say you can't leave him as you have a house together
* You say he lives at your mum's house because he has no job.
* You say he doesn't get on with your mum and dad.

All these statements contradict each other. Talk to his family (like his sister) and have a meeting with him & them to explain the situation. Tell them you think he needs help but until he gets it you can't risk letting him hurt the babies.

MojoMaker

I understand you wanting to stick by him as the father of your child but unless you want to be slowly sucked into this dangerous lifestyle and in the end become just as bad as him I wholeheartedly suggest leaving as soon as you can. These kind of people never change, the best you can hope for is that his drinking doesn't get too out of hand in his 30s and 40s or he will probably seriously injure you, or worse.

Anyone, I repeat anyone, with a predisposition towards violence (even passive) needs counselling and guidance to handle their emo. I'm very sorry to say but based on the slight glimpse into your you've provided us with it would seem very obvious that there are sad times ahead unless you change your current direction. I'm sure he's a nice usually, but he's possessed of a major character flaw which will destroy any relationship he ever tries to establish, with you, your son, your parents, his parents - without help this man will NEVER know what a relationship based on respect is. The bad news is it gets worse over time.

LegacyUser

Calibos wrote:

?????

he doesnt like my parents as he knows my mum cant stand him she just tolerates him for myself and kians sake. He stays in my mums when im working, gets his dinner there ect ect, gets on quite well with my sisters at home.

LegacyUser

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

If "dave" wants to continue seeing his kids he needs to get help. In any case, he's in the wrong and has no business dictating to you what the family needs or who looks after his kids. A lot of your post is nonsensical though.

* You say you can't leave him as you have a house together
* You say he lives at your mum's house because he has no job.
* You say he doesn't get on with your mum and dad.

All these statements contradict each other. Talk to his family (like his sister) and have a meeting with him & them to explain the situation. Tell them you think he needs help but until he gets it you can't risk letting him hurt the babies.

he doesnt live at my mums house, he stays there during the day while im at work, at the risk of repeating myself, its mostly my mum he has a problem with. myself dave and kian live about a mile away from my parents house at the moment. we go halves on the bills ect as he does have somew money. just cant see it lasting for ever.

Red Alert

I think you and your son need to leave him. It will cause a lot problems as Kian grows up, especially in the earlier years where he learns the "basic values" - how is he to know that it's wrong to threaten your wife/mother etc. if he sees his dad doing it. The family law courts look quite favourably on a spouse who has to take the child/children away. In the short term you should sort out some alternative acoomodation and then deal with the legal issues.

athena 2000

xxxericaxxx wrote:

... Thing is hes not always horrible to us, Kian seems to pick up on his moods pretty well and omly seems scared when dave raises his voice.

Children pick up on the moods of their parents instantly. Just because they can't understand what's happening doesn't mean they aren't sensitive and intelligent. This behaviour is imprinting your son with fear, abuse, and later on if it continues, possibly sets him up to be an abuser himself. Do you want a mentally healthy and emotionally sound child? I think you do.

Just because your boyfriend/partner is "not always horrible" to you and Kian doesn't cancel out his physical and verbal abuse or threats. He's not a protective and caring father, and he has no idea how to be one based on what you've told us here. Do not make excuses for him any longer.

Even if you're afraid, your first priority is to protect your son now, and also the man he will eventually become. Your parents will help you. I think quite a few doors will open and you will recieve help if you ask for it. You won't be alone.

RicardoSmith

xxxericaxxx wrote:

....... just cant see it lasting for ever.

What are you waiting for then?

DRankin

Guys,

I think all this evidence points to a troll.

All these statements contradict each other. :rolleyes:

If its not a troll then, get yourself a council house for you and your ''child''

secret_squirrel

For the sake of some balance in this thread lets assume this guy isnt a complete scumbag shall we?

You said he recently lost his job - was he violent before that? Its quite possible that he isnt handling this well and his suppressed emotions are resulting in these outbursts of violence. In which case he needs counselling not condemnation.

Do you trust your mother to tell you the truth about this guy? If she has never approved of him - she could be using this as a wedge to split you up.

Do you provide any discipline for your child or do you leave it all up to him? And when you said he scares Kian - is that because he is the only one who tells him off?

LegacyUser

secret_squirrel wrote:

You said he recently lost his job - was he violent before that?
Do you trust your mother to tell you the truth about this guy? If she has never approved of him - she could be using this as a wedge to split you up.
Do you provide any discipline for your child or do you leave it all up to him? And when you said he scares Kian - is that because he is the only one who tells him off?

I tend not show if im annoyed/upset around kian, i dont approve of anyone raising their voice to a toddler, hes not a bad kid.. v lovable. imo its next to impossible to lose you temper with him.
he shouldnt need discipline hes too young.
i do trust my mum, my older sisters husband paul had told my parents and myself that dave was a waster, before i ever got pregnant. paul commited suicide a week after he said that, himself and my mum were pretty close and i think because of that she never really gave dave a chance and when i got pregnant she lost even more time for him.
He wasnt fired from his job, he walked out of it before xmas, he has always had a hot temper but he can also be so sweet at times.

Zulu

xxxericaxxx wrote:

...he has always had a hot temper but he can also be so sweet at times.

Oh, well then, thats different. If he's sweet, never mind that he beats a 15 month old baby.

ferdi

here's a number you can call: 999 - ask for the police.

peckerhead

Look, I'm sorry about your brother-in-law but this is about you & your kid. You've got some good advice here, now follow it. I couldn't give a f*ck about the guy's 'loveable' hot temper, if he's hitting and shaking your 15-month-old kid I don't care what his issues are, he's a danger to you both. Get the f*ck away from him, whatever it takes, before something really serious happens...

Kimbot

I have a four year old son and if anyone ever layed a finger on him I would break there legs. I have only ever had to slap him one maybe twice and they were taps not slaps that leave marks. I couldn't bring myself to ever hit a child and it shouldn't be tolerated. if your 'boyf' does nothing all day and you admit he is a hot head then you should get rid of him because it will only get worse. Asking for advice here even shows how worried you are so you know what you have to do.

$lash

from what you have said he is a complete tosser ... get rid of him!

Zombrex

Your partner is being physically abusive to a 1 year old baby ... sorry to be blunt, but wtf is the issue you are not sure about ...

what exactly does he have to do before it becomes clear that you need to leave him and protect your child. Personally if I was your mother I would have called the guards and had reported him to social services. This isn't about your relationship with him, this is about his relationship with his child. He is abusive to a child that couldn't possibly understand what is happening to him or how to avoid it. He is not giving a 5 year old a slap on the leg because the child ran out into a busy road, or pulled his sisters hair. He is hitting a baby for apperently no other reason than he doesn't seem able to deal with the baby without getting angry. Seriously there is no issue here, he has already crossed the line, you need to protect your child or you are as much to blame for letting it happen. Who is going to protect your baby if you don't

pickarooney

If you're still in confusion/denial, just leave your contact details and I'm sure someone will ring the guards to report you for endangering a child's health by not doing anythign to protect him.

cajun_tiger

it sounds like dave neededs to realise that kian isn't a toy.. he will mimic what he sees.

if you don't do something now you'll have alot to deal with later on in life..

either get dave in to some form of parenting corse or buy him a book..

or leave him(hard and unwanted information i know but keep it on your mind as a soultion)

your child comes first, and hitting a baby is out of the question.. still to this day i don't let my father mind my daughter after he slapped her one on the legs.. she was 4 and had spat at him, there are better ways to deal with misbehavour. two wrongs don't make a right

Sleepy

Do you have any brothers? If so ask them to beat the guy within an inch of his life while you're leaving him.

LegacyUser

Yeah sleepy ive got 3 older brothers, cajun tiger i totally agree with 2 wrongs dont make a right. I try my best to protect my son, i love him to bit. I have thought about leaving dave but im going to try and sort out living accom. first.

Sleepy

Every day you spend living with this guy is another day you're putting your baby at risk of being killed by him. Remember that.

LegacyUser

hes not alone with kian anymore.
we will leave but we cant go until we sort out accom first.
i dont want to lose kian, already some people on boards think im an unfit mum, id just be worse if i made us homeless.

Gordon

Sleepy please don't condone near-death violence on PI.

Chinafoot

surely if your mam thinks he's a scumbag she'd be more than delighted to see you and the sprog arrive at the door with bags in hand??

to be honest, from what you have said (assuming that this isnt a troll of course) it doesnt sound like you will leave him. and unfortunately, like in so many abusive relationships, the only way that you will leave him is if something terrible happens. i just hope that you wont let it get that far.

secret_squirrel

xxxericaxxx wrote:

I tend not show if im annoyed/upset around kian, i dont approve of anyone raising their voice to a toddler, hes not a bad kid.. v lovable. imo its next to impossible to lose you temper with him.
he shouldnt need discipline hes too young.
i do trust my mum, my older sisters husband paul had told my parents and myself that dave was a waster, before i ever got pregnant. paul commited suicide a week after he said that, himself and my mum were pretty close and i think because of that she never really gave dave a chance and when i got pregnant she lost even more time for him.
He wasnt fired from his job, he walked out of it before xmas, he has always had a hot temper but he can also be so sweet at times.

Ok in that case I withdraw my objections - as everyone else has said - can this losers ass.

tinkerbell

xxxericaxxx wrote:

hes not alone with kian anymore.
we will leave but we cant go until we sort out accom first.
i dont want to lose kian, already some people on boards think im an unfit mum, id just be worse if i made us homeless.

For god's sake woman, move into your parents house til you can sort out alternative accommodation. Quit putting that violent boyfriend of yours first and put your son first.

Miss Judy

I'm sorry but I cannot believe you are still there...get the hell out. Who is more important?. Dave or Kian. Cop on girl, protect your child, god only knows what's next. Your mother sounds like a good woman & she will help you. Your child is being abused & you are doing nothing about it. I am a mother, & I tell you now, anyone so much as touched my kids I would KILL THEM & report them to the cops. If it was my bf/partner/husband I would get them removed by the cops from the house, get a barring order & not let them near the kids. The day any man hits his own child or partners child is the lowerst thing ever & you should be stronger and get out of there for your childs sake. God love him he must be miserable, poor baby, that's all he is. You better get him out before your mother or social services do. I am LIVID after reading your post, get a grip will you and get out of there. He's a bully, scumbag, a**hole..jesus he's a sicko!. Screw the house!, that can be sorted out legally & you'll get by in the meantime whereas your sons life can't if he is getting abused like this!.

cajun_tiger

how are you two now??

trust me on this i know how hard it is to get out..

and its not so easy for a working mum to get a place to live on her own..

can i ask why you should leave the home? why not get him out..
you are co owning but for your sons best interest stay in the house just get him out.

Sleepy

I think cajun tiger has the right advice here: kick his ass to the kerb.

Ask your brothers to stay for a few days if you think there's gonna be trouble.