Attached fella.....what to do?

LegacyUser

ok well i'm probably going to get a lot of shít for this but i need some advice.
theres this guy i've known for a few years...he's more of a friend of a friend. we snogged once about 6 years ago but that was it. recently we've started talking a lot more and we get along really well. problem is he has a girlfriend of 4 years. anyway, over christmas we had a big chat outside the pub and he told me how unhappy he is in his relationship....anyway we ended up kissing that night. nothing has happened since then as i've only seen him out once and he was with his girlfriend. thing is he's been texting me a lot and they can get quite suggestive. i do like him a lot but he has a girlfriend and although i dont even know the girl i know how it feels to be cheated on.
he seems to want a bit of fun and i think im just a welcome distraction from the monotony of his relationship. im under no illusions about what this would be if i did persue it....it would be just "a bit of fun".
i'm so annoyed with myself that im seriously considering this but i do like him.

am i being incredibly stupid?

fade2black

Ok, let me tell you how it is.

Men + Beer = Horny.

I don't want to be mean or overly blunt but if I were to make an educated guess I would have to say that this guy was (possibly) just looking to get into your knickers that night. He knew you knew he had a girlfriend so he made out that he was unhappy so he could have a chance with you.
Also, in my opinion the words "a bit of fun" do not appear in any female's vocabularies, especially if they happen to like the person which you do seem to. This guy is getting slightly bored with his relationship but I don't think he would want to end it..he should be thinking about ways to spice up his relationship rather tha looking for a way to spice up his life.

If he was walking down the street one day and he saw you, he'd stop and talk right? If he was walking down the street with his girlfriend what do you think he would do?

George Custanza put it the best way..

"For years people have been wanting to have their cake and eat it too...it's just not possible."

This person wants cakes, donuts...cream buns......

You must ask yourself what you want to be. :-)

Sangre

Basically if you like this guy you have to tell him this but you must tell him that nothing is going to happen as long as he is still going out with his girlfriend.
This will make him decide about what he really wants, this will rule out the situation of him using you as a cheap trill and then returning to his steady gf and it will stop you from being 'that girl' who broke up that 'great couple'.

Not easy to do but it is the best solution from a logical point of view. Do it now before you get emotionally tangled.

fade2black

so who has cake?

Victor

Sounds like a road to trauma. You should be telling him "We shouldn't be doing anything while you are with your girlfriend", which leads him to breaking up ... and the two of you having "a bit of fun", that might last 2 hours, 2 days .. 2 years maybe,

But to be honest to ourselves, I think it would just break up his relationship, you two will do stuff and then realise it isn't what you want and loose him as a friend.*

fade2black wrote:

so who has cake?

I've jaffa cakes, if it counts

*PS Somewhere I also want to call you a schemeing bitch, but don't have the vocabulary to say it politely.

Amz

Sangre wrote:

Basically if you like this guy you have to tell him this but you must tell him that nothing is going to happen as long as he is still going out with his girlfriend.
This will make him decide about what he really wants, this will rule out the situation of him using you as a cheap trill and then returning to his steady gf and it will stop you from being 'that girl' who broke up that 'great couple'.

Not easy to do but it is the best solution from a logical point of view. Do it now before you get emotionally tangled.

Agree with sangre, don't allow yourself to be led on if he's only looking for a bit on the side don't cheapen yourself like that.

Ask him to make his choice, but don't be surprised if he chooses to stay with his girlfriend. When push comes to shove he's quite likely to remain in the secure relationship, whether he's truly happy or not. He may be afraid because if he leaves her things may not work out between the two of you. A lot of people won't risk being lonely even if it means being happy in the long run.

Also if he cheated on his girlfriend of 4 years who's to say he wouldn't do the same to you if the oppertunity presents itself/herself?

Are you willing to risk that?

cajun_tiger

hey been you and been the girlfriend#(differnt times)

my advise is let it go.. if you do like him then leave him come to you, singel.. it could be what i cant have i like/want...

if you must tell him that the texts arent a good idea. make him remember(more than once if needed) you have a girlfriend! men(please no one take offence) they think with their c0cks.

if you find that you still really like him and if he still goes on that he's unhappy then let him know that you like him(unless you already have)

CathyMoran

Steer clear if you can - even if you do say that you will not do anything until he breaks with his girlfriend they may still get back after he has had a few months with you...is it really worth it?

Oh, excellent post Victor.

Victor

CathyMoran wrote:

Oh, excellent post Victor.

Fancy a Jaffa?*

*Cake, not orange

LegacyUser

well cheers for the replies. i know its asking for trouble, just like him unfortunately.

as for me being a scheming bítch.....dont agree at all, if i was i would have slept with him by now. the opportunity has been there. all i've done is kiss him once and had a few text conversations. it may sound likea cop-out but im not the one who is attached here. but you're entitled to your opinion Victor.


anyway he's already sent me a text today (just an innocent, "how are you? any news?") but i havent replied. will probably see him later. see how it goes.

The_Conductor

Confuddled wrote:

am i being incredibly stupid?

Answer - yes, you are.

Its the road to ruining a nice friendship, along with all the guilt and ****e that knowingly being his mistress would bring. Its not worth it. Sit down have a chat with him, an honest chat. Spell out where you are, and where you think he is, and what would have to change before you would consider dating him (i.e. that he would have to be free and single).

Bring a box of jaffa cakes, you could be talking a while.... :rolleyes:

fade2black

That could be a way of having you cake i guess....

CathyMoran

smccarrick wrote:

Answer - yes, you are.

Its the road to ruining a nice friendship, along with all the guilt and ****e that knowingly being his mistress would bring. Its not worth it. Sit down have a chat with him, an honest chat. Spell out where you are, and where you think he is, and what would have to change before you would consider dating him (i.e. that he would have to be free and single).

Bring a box of jaffa cakes, you could be talking a while.... :rolleyes:

Even if someone leaves a long term relationship to be with somebody else the relationship rarely lasts - these relationships are more often the result of problems within the initial relationship and a desire to break free than they are of a desire to be with the new person. If you do choose to go out with him (after he has left his gf of course) then at least give him a few months to decide what he wants before you consider dating him. He may have issues with his current gf that just need to be resolved, even if he does not it will be always be a stale taste knowing that he left someone else for you. Please be careful here - especially as you so obviously like him.

Sleepy

Confuddled wrote:

am i being incredibly stupid?

Yes.

secret_squirrel

Confuddled wrote:

i know its asking for trouble......<snip> .... see how it goes.

Seems to me you are talking yourself into it already - you have developed an emotional connection via the flirty texts...and you are looking for excuses to deepen it. Im betting you are going to get with him even though you know better....

seamus

Confuddled wrote:

i know how it feels to be cheated on.

..........

im seriously considering this but i do like him.

You already know the answer. Sangre surprised me and posted exactly what I would.
The problem here is that you know exactly what the reaction here will be, but you're only posting up to give an airing to your morality, to try make yourself feel better for questioning it. You're still going to do what you want to do, regardless of what anyone here says.

This will turn out easily. You're a good mate. His gf will eventually find out that he's been spending more time with you - he'll casually mention your name when she asks who he went out drinking with. Your name will appear more frequently, he'll receive more texts from you, he'll text you more, and his gf will be aware. You see, men aren't born liars. By and large, we are *awful* liars, and leave our dirty linen everywhere (both in the metaphorical and real sense). Actually, it's not that men are terrible liars - it's that women are great liars, and as such, takes one to know one, etc.
Now, while this is going on, you'll be having fun, forbidden fruit and all that, but eventually you'll want more of his time, you'll find yourself jealous of her, and you'll start pestering him to break up with her. This is already an issue. If you weren't already his mate, then the "bit of craic" might be feasible. But it's not.

Eventually, some event will occur that results in the catastrophic end of his relationship (don't worry, judging by his current attitude, this is on the cards anyway), and send him running into your arms - much to your delight. You'll be the rebound girl. From this point, you'll quickly bore of eachother, the excitement in your relationship gone, or he'll quickly pull the same trick on you, and cheat on you.

Before long, you've got two broken and spiteful relationships, no good friend, and if word gets around, you'll have a bad rep to boot.

My advice is to wait until the inevitable end of his relationship, give him two months to sleep around and then make your move. But you won't listen.

CathyMoran

Good post Seamus - I was the girl that was left for someone like the original poster, though I do have sympathy for her. In my case my ex realised his mistake when it was too late.

To the original poster - do not go near this guy until he has left the other girl of his own volition. DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BREAKUP, if it happens. Make sure that he is single for a few months before you even consider to date him. You seem to be looking for validation for your own course of action which you are already intending to take but for your own sake please give the guy time, you will only get hurt otherwise.

StandnDeliver

i agree with cathy morgan no point in it

MojoMaker

One of the two of the protagonists here is, how shall I put it, not terribly attractive and more than a tad needy. Wouldn't dream of finishing before giving you a clue, it isn't the guy in this story.

Sangre

seamus wrote:

You already know the answer. Sangre surprised me and posted exactly what I would.

Oi! Is that a jab at me?

LegacyUser

MojoMaker wrote:

One of the two of the protagonists here is, how shall I put it, not terribly attractive and more than a tad needy. Wouldn't dream of finishing before giving you a clue, it isn't the guy in this story.

eh i'm sorry but do you know me?? pretty sure you dont.

im not trying to give an airing to my sense of morality and im in no way determined to do anything with him. if anything i think i just needed people to tell me what i already know....that its not a good idea. i dont want a realtionship with this guy at all....even if he did break up with her i know that i would be the rebound girl.

anyway thanks again