Ireland for beginers

Blitzkrieger · 02-08-2000 8:59pm #1

Ireland for Beginners:

* Pub etiquette

The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each participant
takes turns to "shout" an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual;
you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may
appear only too happy to substitute for you. But make no mistake, your
failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed. People will
mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation will follow you to
the grave, where after it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs
as well. In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a family
nickname.

* Woolly jumpers

Ireland produces vast quantities of woollen knitwear and, under a US/Irish
trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without a
minimum of two sweaters, of which one at least must be predominantly green.
Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before you
are allowed to disembark.
Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a woollen
jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Americans to identify them to
muggers, thieves and knackers.

* Irish people and the weather

It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come
into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did
around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for
conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March to
see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying
the
air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin. The Irish attitude to
weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience: Every time it
rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed. Then we go out
and buy a new umbrella.

* Ireland has two time-zones

(1) Greenwich Mean Time and (2) "local" time. Local time can be anything
between ten minutes and three days behind GMT, depending on the position of
the earth and the whereabouts of the man with the keys to the hall. Again,
the Irish concept of time has been influenced by the thinking of 20th
century physicists, who hold that it can only be measured by reference to
another body and can even be affected by factors like acceleration. For
instance, a policeman entering a licensed premises in rural Ireland late at
night is a good example of another body from whom it can be reliably
inferred that it is fact closing time. When this happens, acceleration is
the advised option. Shockingly, the relativity argument is still
not
accepted as a valid defence in the Irish courts.

* Irish Dancing

There are two main kinds of Irish dancing: (1) Riverdance, which is now
simultaneously running in every major city in the world except Ulan Bator
and which some economists believe is responsible for the Irish economic
boom; and (2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly blouses
and you still may not express yourself, except in a written note to the
adjudicators.

* The wearing of the green

Strangely enough, Irish people tend to wear everything except green, which
is associated with too many national tragedies, including 1798, the Famine
and the current Irish soccer team. It's possible that green just doesn't
suit the Irish skin colour, which is generally pale blue (see Weather).

* Gaelic games

St Patrick's Day brings the climax of the club championships in Gaelic
games, which combine elements of the American sports of gridiron and
baseball but are played with an intensity more associated with Mafia turf
wars. The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference
being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is also "camogie,"
which is like hurling, except that in fights the hair may be pulled as
well.

* Schools rugby

St Patrick's Day also brings the finals in schools rugby, a game based
around the skills of wrestling, kicking, gouging, ear-biting, and assaults
on other vulnerable body parts. The game is much prized in Ireland's better
schools, where it's seen as an ideal grounding for careers in business and
the law. It is well-known that St Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland.
Less publicised is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears and
Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, all of which were regarded as nuisances by the
early Irish Christians.

* Signposting

In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one place
to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Signposting here is heavily
influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round) of
space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point
in
the universe,or not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and
distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for
neighbouring road-signs. The good news is Language. Ireland is officially
bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road-signs. This allows you to
get lost in both Irish and English.

* Clothes

Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask:
What clothes should I bring? The answer is: All of them!

* Religion

Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main denominations
being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group you
belong to, the correct answer is: "I'm an atheist, thank God". Then change
the subject