Surviving in Dublin

Draco

This is a highly personalised guide to the verbal life of de cappitel city
of Ireland.
The lessons:

1) SURVIVAL OF THE MEEKEST

Dublin is a tough city on the face of it. Most of the aggression is
ritualistic and it is essential to know how to deal with basic street
encounters. Technically speaking, the streets are full of:
- bowsies
- hardmen
- hardos
- gougers
- hardshaws
- and many other assorted tough type characters that roam the streets
looking for excitement and throwing shapes.

It is essential not to stare at these gentlemen, especially if you have a
non-Dubbelin accent. You must cultivate an intense vacant stare and respond
with such monosyllabic mutterings as "whah?", "hoh?", the less common but
equally inoffensive "nggggguh?", or any other meaningless grunts that might
imply mild intoxication and/or a non-educated disposition.
If, by misfortune or dogged stupidity, you happen to look at these people
straight in the eye, you will be assumed to have challenged them. They will
consequently confront you with: "You lookin at me pal?" or "Got a bleedin'
problem mate?"

The answer to this confontationallly sensitive encounter is ALWAYS:
"Sorry" followed by a rapid exit (i.e, a "leggar").

If you respond: "No", the gouger will duly feel obliged to ask:
"You callin me a liar?"
And then you are in the much-feared "deep ****e" zone (see later lesson for
involuntary excretions). The only way to alleviate the tension in this
difficult situation is to pretend to be Danish. That will leave them baffled
long enough for you to run like the "jayzis".


2) THE PUB

Dubliners are constantly on the look out for being set up in conversation in
"de pub". They will constantly question the veracity of overheard statements
with a contemptuous negation, such as in the following scene:

Person1: "Manchester United are bleedin' fantastic".
Person2: "They are in me **** ".

Sobriety is seen as pityful affliction which may be remedied by copious
pints of stout and lager. There are numerous names for this, most of which
are also used elsewhere in Ireland and even further afield, but it is
important to be fluent in all of them:

- Flutered
- Hammered
- ****ed
- Stocious
- Mouldy(pronounced mowl-dey)
- Bollixed


3) PEOPLE

a) The use of nouns for different categories of people is very regular and
simple:
- Males are fellahs
- Females are wans
- Boys are then youngflas
- Girls are then youngwans
- Oldermales become oulflas but your father is THE oulfla
- Olderwimmin are oulwans but your mother is THE oulwan

Note: oulfellas and oulwans also belong to the class 'AJH' (Ah Jaysus Howye)

b) Regions.
Dublin has now expanded enormously but in olden days it was divided into two
parts by the River Liffey:
The Nortside (where all true Dubbeliners live) and De Soutside (full of
homosexuals, foreigners, academics, teetotallers, etc.). This classification
is no longer valid as Da Soutside now has some very respectable places like
Tallaght, Ballyfermot, Drimnagh, Crumlin and Clondalkin.

c) Culchies are those from any part of the globe who is not foreign and who
does not speak with a pronounced Dubbelin Accident. They work in the civil
service and police, listen to Daniel O'Donnell or Big Tom and are also known
as:
- bog men
- boggers
- muckers
- mucksavages
- culchies
- mulchies
- munchies
- red necks

It is the worst possible insult to be called one of these names if you are
from Dublin. You must respond with immediate violence or emmigrate.


4) ACTIVITIES

Expect to see regular nightly excursions by 10 year-old kids driving cars at
high speed around residential areas before leaving them blazing away on a
sidewalk. Fondly referred to as "joy-riding", this extreme pursuit provides
regular Northside Dublin children with a healthy adrenalin rush and a bit of
respite from busy schedule involving truancy/drug
thing/prostitution/racketering.