long distance, how long can it last

LegacyUser

Just wondering if people who've had long distance relationships, i'm talking about ireland and england, could say how long it takes before you realise it won't work if you keep it long distance. I've been at it over 3 years, (we're both in our 20s) we've never lived together, we see each other maybe one weekend every 5 to 10 weeks, talk on the phone every day. I want it to become something more substantial, she doesn't like talking about the future.

Beruthiel

disillusioned wrote:

I want it to become something more substantial, she doesn't like talking about the future.

if you wish to make it more substantial and she is not willing to discuss this, it doesn't bode well for you by the sound of it.
Seems to me that you are going to have to sit her down next time you see her and ask her straight out.

Zena

you gotta sit down with her and talk about this. If she doesn't want to talk about it -tell her you need to. It might involve a comprimise from 1 or both of you to take the realtionship one step further. By comprimise I mean either her or you moving to spend more time with each other - think of what you are prepared to do to make this relationship work before you chat about things.

calhob_ie

I was in a similar situation myself about 3/4 years ago. The question you have to ask is either of you willing or able to relocate for the other. If the answers no then there's very little if any future in it. If the answers yes then you have to have a serious discussion about whether or not you both feel the relationship is worth the upheaval and stress of moving to another country.

The way my girlfriend and I choose to do it was that I was the one to move over here, I arranged a 6month work contract through an agency and rented a room in a shared house with the understanding that at the end of the 6months we'd see how we were doing and I could choose to either go or stay.

Fortunately everything worked out great and I've been here ever since.

On the other side of the coin a good friend of mine was seeing a girl from London he met on holiday (we were in Glasgow) for a couple of years. Neither of them wanted to move, he was nearly finished a long stint at uni doing architecture and had just got a flat and she was making great money as a PA in the city but they dragged it out to the end of his course when the crunch finally came and they realised that it didn't have a future and it all ended very badly.

The toughest thing is that whenever you meet your "long distance lover" one of you is always in holiday mode. One of you is in a new place away from home with time off work/uni/whatever and a big list of fun stuff to do so its really hard not to have a great time and think your partner is wonderful. Its tougher when you get over here and you have to start making time to see each other around all lifes other responsibilities, then you get a chance to see the real person.

Oh and one last bit of advice, dont move in together straight away:

A Its far too much pressure on what is still a relatively new relationship
B If you rent a room in house somewhere you'll have a chance to quikly meet new people and expand your social circle, making you less dependant on your partner

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Chris

MG

calhob_ie wrote:

I was in a similar situation myself about 3/4 years ago. The question you have to ask is either of you willing or able to relocate for the other. If the answers no then there's very little if any future in it. If the answers yes then you have to have a serious discussion about whether or not you both feel the relationship is worth the upheaval and stress of moving to another country.

Calhob offers some very good advice. I was in a similar situation, three years apart, then I moved over to her for a while, now we have come back. Both of us were willing to move for the other and we both had a good idea of what we wanted in the future. Long distance relationships are held together by the hope of being together properly in the future. Sooner or later you need to put down firmer plans for the future and your g/f needs to discuss it with you.

LegacyUser

I also agree with Calhob's advice.

I'm currently in relationship with a girl from London. I live in Dublin and we see each other every 4 weeks or so. We talk on the phone every day. We have been going out for about one and a half years. We haven't made any firm plans yet but have discussed me moving there this year sometime. I will definitely get my own place first as Calhob said, then if everything is still going well then we will move in together.

What do you mean she doesn't like talking about the future? I think you should ask her exactly where she sees your relationship going. 3 years is a long time and there's no point in sticking at it if you are both wasting your time.

Macseamusa

My brother had the same problem. He met a girl from southamton, he called her every night and they got on great. Every now and then he would go over to see her. Over the summer(04) he went to stay in an appartment near her, so that they could be together, he basically just left the country without really planning about a job and stuff so he was skint for most of the summer. At roughly september they both decided to move in together and are living happily together. Hopefully something like that will happen to you( well not the being skint part)
The girl obviously likes you as you have been going out for 3 years, but she is probably just unsure about the prospect of either you or her moving over. It's a big step to take and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. But do as the other users have told you, you need to talk about this to her, if you want the relationship to work. Just if one of you do decide to move, make sure that you have a job arranged in the area.