football funnies

WhiteWashMan

> >

---

> >
> > > The football year ahead ........
> > >
> > > JANUARY
> > > David Beckham again denies that wife Victoria is anorexic, telling
an
> > > interviewer: "She doesn't even wear anoraks, so how can she be
sick of
> > > them?". Just hours before their flight to Brazil, Manchester
United
> > > announce
> > > that they are to withdraw from the FIFA Clubs World Championship
to
> take
> > > part in the Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s
> > section).
> > > "You can't stand in the way of progress," says chairman Martin
Edwards
> .
> > > After the success of Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography "Managing
My
> > Life",
> > > Paul Gascoigne releases his own tell-all memoirs, entitled
"Mangling
> My
> > > Wife".
> > >
> > > FEBRUARY
> > > Fulham owner Mohammed Al-Fayed fails in his latest bid to win an
> English
> > > passport. Several members of the Liverpool squad immediately offer
him
> > the
> > > use of theirs, on the grounds that they have no plans to visit
Europe
> at
> > > any
> > > time in the near future. Commemorative Nuneaton & District Schools
> > > Challenge
> > > Cup (Under-12s section) winners' shirts go on sale at the
Manchester
> > > United
> > > Megastore.
> > > After John Gregory's dismissal, Glenn Hoddle returns to
> > > management as boss of Aston Villa and pledges never to repeat his
> slurs
> > > against the disabled. "Anyone who thinks I'll fall into that trap
> again
> > > must
> > > be a complete spastic," he says.
> > >
> > > MARCH
> > > In a shock press conference at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson and
> > Martin
> > > Edwards announce their intention to withdraw Manchester United
from
> the
> > > 1999-2000 Champions League due to fixture congestion. Both angrily
> deny
> > > their decision has anything to do with the fact that they were
knocked
> > out
> > > of the competition the previous night by Lazio.
> > > Arsenal drop out of the championship race after having all ten
> outfield
> > > players sent off in the first half of a Premiership game. "I
didn't
> see
> > > anything," says Arsene Wenger, who admits he is furious about the
late
> > > goal
> > > which allowed Sheffield Wednesday to earn a 1-1 draw.
> > >
> > > APRIL
> > > Manchester United transfer-list Gary Neville, Paul Scholes and
Ronny
> > > Johnsen
> > > after all three are captured on film obeying the speed limit .
Leeds
> > wrap
> > > up
> > > the Premiership, but their celebrations are ruined when Alan Smith
and
> > > Jonathan Woodgate are found to have swapped their championship
medals
> > for
> > > some rare Pokemon trading cards.
> > > Chris Sutton is a surprise late entrant for the election to become
> Mayor
> > > Of
> > > London. "He's the most complete 'mare I've ever come across,"says
> > > campaign
> > > backer Ken Bates.
> > >
> > > MAY
> > > Arsenal win the FA Cup. Their victory parade through the streets
of
> > North
> > > London ends at Highbury, where they immediately face Cambridge
United
> in
> > > their third round tie from season 2000-2001, brought forward
because
> of
> > > fixture congestion . There is some consolation for beaten
finalists
> > > Newcastle United as, along with his loser's medal, The Queen hands
> Bobby
> > > Robson a telegram. "I was planning to send you this later in the
week
> > > anyway," she explains.
> > > After Barcelona humiliate Chelsea 5-0 in the European Cup Final,
an
> > angry
> > > Gianluca Vialli lambasts his side, claiming: "We played like a
bunch
> of
> > > schoolgirls out there." The players point out they were only
acting on
> > > orders from coach Graham Rix.
> > >
> > > JUNE
> > > David Beckham is sent off to a chorus of boos as England crash 3-0
to
> > > Portugal in their first game of Euro 2000. When asked afterwards
how
> > he'll
> > > cope with the stick, Beckham replies: "I don't think she'll mind
at
> all.
> > > Victoria doesn't really like football" .
> > > ITV's tournament coverage is thrown into chaos when analyst Craig
> Brown
> > > flies
> > > home straight after the first round. After successive defeats by
> Germany
> > > and
> > > Romania, England are out too and Kevin Keegan turns his attentions
to
> > the
> > > forthcoming World Cup qualification campaign. "I think we can win
it,"
> > he
> > > says.
> > >
> > > JULY
> > > Italy beat Germany 2-0 to win Euro 2000. In the wild celebrations
> which
> > > follow, David May is pictured proudly holding the trophy aloft.
During
> a
> > > hectic four-week campaign, Manchester United play every other club
> side
> > on
> > > earth and defeat them all. A subsequent poll asks: 'Are Manchester
> > United
> > > The Best Team In The World?', 95% of readers say no.
> > > Released by United, Teddy Sheringham signs for Fulham and receives
a
> > brand
> > > new Harrods racing bike from owner Mohammed Al-Fayed as part of
the
> > deal.
> > > "I
> > > can't wait to show those Gooners my pedals," he says.
> > >
> > > AUGUST
> > > Paul Gascoigne's much-rumoured move to a top American outfit goes
awry
> > > when
> > > it is discovered that he is too fat to fit inside the Ronald
McDonald
> > > suit.
> > > Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the
> > > Premiership
> > > because of fixture congestion. Explains chairman Martin Edwards:
> > "Removing
> > > these 38 meaningless games from our schedule will give us ample
time
> for
> > > our
> > > important friendlies against Singapore Rattans, Kuala Lumpur
> > > Neckstretchers
> > > and the Arkansas Howdy-Doodies, plus the defence of our Nuneaton &
> > > District
> > > Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section) crown".
> > >
> > > SEPTEMBER
> > > Alan Shearer is among eight Newcastle first teamers sidelined with
> > dental
> > > problems. Club insiders blame Bobby Robson's insistence on
replacing
> the
> > > traditional halftime oranges with bags of Werther's Originals.
> > > After a disappointing start to the new season, Blackburn sack boss
> Tony
> > > Parkes and immediately re-appoint him as caretaker manager.
> > > Called to the Premiership match between Leicester and Coventry,
the
> bomb
> > > squad manages to defuse Martin O'Neill, though Gordon Strachan is
> > > destroyed
> > > in a controlled explosion.
> > >
> > > OCTOBER
> > > Hounded out of England, David Beckham joins Juventus and announces
> that
> > he
> > > has topped former team-mate Roy Keane's contract by signing a
> lucrative
> > > 51,000 lire-a-week deal.
> > > Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the EC
and
> > > NATO.
> > > Following months of frustration at Peter Johnson's refusal to
sanction
> > the
> > > purchase of new players, Everton fans are delighted when new
chairman
> > Alan
> > > Sugar arrives at Goodison Park.
> > >
> > > NOVEMBER
> > > Robbie Fowler tells an interviewer, "it's a privilege to be one
small
> > part
> > > of the greatest club in the world." Sadly, the club he is talking
> about
> > is
> > > "Ikon/Diva"
> > > Bored of winning everything in Scottish football, Glasgow Rangers
turn
> > > their
> > > hand to politics and sweep the board in Scottish elections. Sadly,
> their
> > > domestic excellence is not mirrored by a dismal set of European
> > policies.
> > > Bonfire Night is one to forget for Ryan Giggs, who is involved in
an
> > > accident with a firework. He sobs, "The gaffer's always telling me
> that
> > > I'm
> > > no rocket scientist".
> > >
> > > DECEMBER
> > > After protests that 1999's event was too subdued, Gerard Houllier
> > > announces
> > > that Liverpool's Christmas party will be held in a sleazy dive.
"That
> > > sounds
> > > right up my street," declares Michael Owen. Chris Sutton spends a
> > fortune
> > > on
> > > a top-of-the-range PC for Christmas, but a defective modem ensures
he
> > > can't
> > > find the 'net.
> > > Manchester United call on the Russians to withdraw from Chechnya
and
> > > Michael
> > > Douglas to withdraw from Catherine Zeta Jones . Asked whether he
is
> > > enjoying
> > > life in Italy, David Beckham replies, "is the Pope Catholic?" Adds
the
> > > midfielder: "Well? Is he? I really need to find out."