cant think straight.

LegacyUser

I really don't know where to start or what I hope to get out of this. At worst it will be good to just get it off my chest.
I'm fast approaching 30 and my life is just a series of messes and I am constantly feeling down, confused, torn up and any other range of (bad) emotions which has all been increased 10 fold by a dream I had the other night.

My biggest problem is that I have no one bar my girlfriend that I can call a friend, and those people I can actually class as acquaintances I can count on one hand, heck 3 fingers would do. I have never been very good with meeting new people and get very panicky when I do and have pretty much no conversation skills when face to face with some one, including "friends" and family. When I do have something to say it always seems as if people ignore me, whether this is bad timing in a conversation or something else I don't know. Due to all this I find it very hard to actually go out which pretty much ruins any chance of meeting new people.

I have had several good friends over the years but with each and every one they have severed the friendship for reasons that have never been made clear to me. This has happened to me as far back as 12. I've gone over these friendships and what happened in my head over and over to try and figure out what if anything I did to mess up but I honestly can not pin point anything.

As I mentioned above, I do have a girlfriend. I have been going out with her for about 7 years now and she was the first person I had sex with and I've only had two other girlfriends before her, 1 in 6th your of school and 1 in college, neither of which lasted more than a fortnight so relationship wise I am pretty inexperienced. While we both really love each other I have recently been having itchy feet and have been fantasizing allot about being with other women and have even been considering paying for the experience.

For those interested, the dream (2nd time i've had this one) was fairly innocent, and it involved a girl (T) who I was very close with in the last 3 years of school but never intimate with and lost touch with after graduation. I am in a club / beach type setting and a girl who I have just met and has shown interest in me, tells me two follow her and she walks off into the sea. Instead of following her, I head off back in to the club to search for T. I find T in side lounging on a sofa with a few people who she sends away. I then ask her what I should do about the other girl and at this stage I wake up. Both times I have had this dream it has torn me up in side and have even tried to find contact details for T (to no avail).

Apologies for the confusing and rambling nature of the post.

DEmeant0r

You obviously love your girlfriend, otherwise you wouldn't be in that relationship for seven years, right? Why risk this relationship for something that might have been(Your current g/f might find out).

As for your lack of conversation skills, you could try and practice talking in a mirror, and I'm sure there are classes available somewhere to build up your social skills and confidence. Other than that it's just down to meeting new people and actually forcing yourself to have a conversation with him/her. You're going to have to try, otherwise you might die a very lonely man.

[EDIT]In fact, your friends/family could help you build up you social skills, just invite them for a coffee/beer and then force yourself to converse, talk about anything, the more you do it the more your confidence builds[/EDIT]

gubby

I understand exactly what you mean.. and you are not alone. there are a lot of people out there who just dont know how to have a simple conversation!!
I am 51 yrs old and I too find that I can be in a crowd of people and feel as if I am alone, and am often ignored in mid sentence. I have tried to figure it out and I think its just that some personality types can "command" an audience.
I suggest you join a drama group or do an assertiveness class could help. Have you talked to your g/friend abut it?

elivsvonchiaing

all alone wrote:

I'm fast approaching 30 and my life is just a series of messes and I am constantly feeling down, confused, torn up and any other range of (bad) emotions which has all been increased 10 fold by a dream I had the other night.

What the dream suggests I'm not qualified to suggest. I would think a qualified psychotherapist might be a port of call. If you are Irish you will probably have an inbred suspicion of such people - and fear your friends find out - nothing ventured - nothing gained! Try it - just my 5c!

Mr.Nice Guy

all alone wrote:

For those interested, the dream (2nd time i've had this one) was fairly innocent, and it involved a girl (T) who I was very close with in the last 3 years of school but never intimate with and lost touch with after graduation. I am in a club / beach type setting and a girl who I have just met and has shown interest in me, tells me two follow her and she walks off into the sea. Instead of following her, I head off back in to the club to search for T. I find T in side lounging on a sofa with a few people who she sends away. I then ask her what I should do about the other girl and at this stage I wake up. Both times I have had this dream it has torn me up in side and have even tried to find contact details for T (to no avail).

The sea is a wild and unpredictable thing.This girl who shows an interest in you goes into the sea but instead you go in search of a girl from your past.
You then ask this girl what you should do about the other one.
I'm no expert on dreams but if you want my opinion perhpas it means you are lacking excitement in your life and that you're being nostalgic in your outlook on life?
From your entire post that is the impression I got.

You seem a bit disillusioned with your current relationship and you bemoan your lack of real friends.Indeed your dream was about an old friend!
My advice?Join some groups and take up a hobby you like.Join a class perhaps.
As for your girlfriend,sounds like you need to spice your relationship up a bit.Go away for the weekend somewhere?Only you can figure that bit out.

Hope I've helped you in some way but on the plus side,we're just about to begin a brand new year!Make some resolutions,set some targets and make something of your life!Good luck...

vibrant

Is there a local sports team you can join? Is there a local GAA club you can go to (with your girlfriend) once a week or something? How about a book club at your local library? I think these would be fairly good social situations to put yourself in - and I'm sure you would find them helpful in improving your conversation/social skills.

It's been my experience that straining at the leash in long-term relationships is relatively common. Mr. Nice Guy had good advice - take a little holiday by yourself and take the time out to decide what you want to do. Although I must admit, I think that if you broke up with your girlfriend you might really regret it: (I hope this doesn't sound crass) recovering from the breakdown of a 7-year relationship without a string of friends could be incredibly difficult.

WhiteWashMan

why do you think that your 'partner is your only friend' is your biggest problem?

LegacyUser

WhiteWashMan wrote:

why do you think that your 'partner is your only friend' is your biggest problem?

I would love to have a girlfriend who is my best friend all in one....

WhiteWashMan

i know. getting either one is going to be trouble enough!

but i was more interested in why he thought that this was a problem. the amount of friends you have does not change your happiness.

seamus

As I mentioned above, I do have a girlfriend. I have been going out with her for about 7 years now and she was the first person I had sex with and I've only had two other girlfriends before her, 1 in 6th your of school and 1 in college, neither of which lasted more than a fortnight so relationship wise I am pretty inexperienced. While we both really love each other I have recently been having itchy feet and have been fantasizing allot about being with other women and have even been considering paying for the experience.

7 year itch eh?
Don't worry too much. You'll be hard pressed to find any man or woman who at some point in a relationship didn't fantasise about jacking it all in and starting off again as a batchelor. Particularly people like yourself (I'm the same) who hadn't played the field much before landing in a relationship, can start to feel uneasy about the lack of experience - "How I know that the person I'm with is the right one?", "If I've never been with that many people, how do I know that this person is truly special, maybe it feels this way for all mediocre relationships?", "Maybe my life is being held back - my single friends seem to be having all the fun, while I spend most of my time doing nothing with my girlfriend."

What you forget, particularly when you weren't a single adult for very long, is the lonely nights in watching TV, the nights in the pub with attached mates, longing for someone like that.

You don't say if you live with your girlfriend, or if not, how many times a week you see eachother. A key ingredient in a solid relationship is finding an agreeable position on how much is too much. You cannot spend every night and day with this person, no matter how much you love them. Find time to yourselves - join a club that gives you time with people, and without your girlfriend, for an hour or two twice a week, and maybe half a day a weekend. When you go out, go out separately (going out separately we've found is very agreeable - she doesn't find my mates interesting, I don't find hers interesting, so why should either of us suffer for the sake of a few drunken hours together?). Even take days just to sit on your ass, watching TV, alone, taking some time to yourelf.

I'd say have a good talk with your girlfriend. Not about your interpretation of your dream, obviously, she'll go ape****. You may find sometimes she feels similarly lonely and trapped. Discuss what you can do. Perhaps a long holiday together, to somewhere different - India or China - can put a whole new energy into a relationship, give you more things to talk about.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the input.

I have though about joining a club or society before but find it really hard, going out in social settings brings on a near panic attack but that is something only I can really work on.

Whitewashman, I wasn't suggesting that my girlfriend being my best-friend was a bad thing just that she was my only friend. While the amount of friends may not help with happiness it does help to have more than one person to turn to. Living with my girlfriend for 2years now so I see her daily and things can become a bit strained at times.

vibrant

all alone wrote:

I have though about joining a club or society before but find it really hard, going out in social settings brings on a near panic attack but that is something only I can really work on.

Would you consider chatting to your GP about this? This is no way for you to live your life.