Reflections (swearing, violence and implied sexual abuse. Not for the squeamish)

Fysh

His reflection stared back at him from the mirror, an almost-blank expression curiously conveying his insolence and lack of empathy more completely than any other, more defined expression could have done. It was, he decided, down to the dead look about the eyes. There was no sign of any intellect glimmering behind those white spheres, simply a blank void that seemed to corrupt any light going near it.

He looked down at his wristwatch, then pressed the Record button on the dictaphone clutched in his right hand. A faint whirring sound rasped out of it, and he spoke.

"My name is Hal Seymour, and this is my confession. Within six hours of the start of this recording, I will be dead, due to the overdose of paracetamol and alcohol that I have just ingested."

"This recording is primarily to appease my own intellect. I don't particularly intend to give a detailed personal history here; rather I aim to satisfy myself that my greater plan has been carried out adequately, in the hours before I die."


*****

The full story is attached (it's too long for one post). Any comments appreciated.

Zombienosh

thumbs up from me.

Raphael

Woah...That is amazing...Fantastic writing, the character you created (i hope its a character you created) is just brilliant

MojoMaker

I like it. One or two cliches to eliminate but the idea is solid. Can I recommend Stephen King's writing companion as an invaluable read for story contruction such as this. Get it for Christmas and read it twice. Then try re-writing the passage with what you've learned, you should see a big difference and a tighter story less prone to the foibles of indulgent writing.

Careful with your habit of changing from narration to speech and back again. It has to be seamless for it to work, and in some places I noticed the change, where no change should be visible.

Great idea though. Opening paragraph really grabbed me. If it was me I would have finished the opening at "Within six hours of the start of this recording, I will be dead" and not bothered to bring in a movie cliche about drug overdose. Leave it up to the reader to wonder why Hal Seymour will be dead in six hours and take it from there. You have to feed the the reader titbits at a time so they reading the book/novel/short story makes them feel in some way clever, perceptive, and curious.

BEAT

Your opener does grab me and make me want to read more...
I cant open the file at work so am looking forward to reading this when I get home

BEAT

well Fysh,
the first word out of my mouth when I finished reading that was, wow.
Well done, is this something you are working on publishing?
It definitley gave me feelings of shock and horror and made me a little sick picturing this guy standing there telling his story and inturn picturing that story...
then to picture him doing that to himself in the end,
wow.

You definitley have the makings of a great writer!
I'd love to see some more of your work

Shad0r

Great writing Fysh. Very interesting character you've created. My only negative comment would be that I got the vibe that you got towards the end and didnt really know where to go with it. Or you got to a point where a word limit became an issue.

It could just be because I'm so tired right now that I can barely focus on teh monitor but I felt that the ending lacked what the rest of the story had. You develop such an interesting character and then I felt he was sort of sold short at the end. Overall I would say excellent writing but you need to have a kick in the tail.

Of course thats just my (one) opinion, and I'm no expert, but I'd love to see what that story would look like with twice as many words and a twist in the tail. Keep up the good work.

Droogie

This is excellent... No complaints... Its simply compelling... well done.

That is up to the standard of any dark modern literature that we can find on a bookshelf today... Pat yourself on the back.