workmate headwreck

LegacyUser

right the story is, a few months ago i snogged a fella i work with that i've liked for quite a while, lets call him Dave. he's a bit younger than me and neither of us wanted the whole relationship thing due to other commitments like college and family etc so nothing has happened since. i still really like him and he seems to like me too but theres another person in the equation now.

so anyway, it was Daves birthday a while after we kissed and we were supposed to all meet up for a few drinks but it ended up that he didnt come out and just had a few drinks in his house. if i'm honest i was a bit disappointed as i had built it up in my head that maybe something could happen again. so anyway, me and the girls got drunk that night and still had a laugh and i ended up chatting to another guy from work, lets call him Joe. i was a bit drunk and feeling ****ty about Dave and ended up snogging Joe.
suffice to say, this was a bit of a turn-off for Dave as Joe isnt the most liked of people in work.

anyway since then i have been with Joe two more times but he's being a bit of a dick about it, he gets annoyed if i mention it to anyone which makes me think that he's embarassed by it, even though when i said it to him the last time we were together he said "its not like that". i dont want a relationship with Joe and im positive he doesnt either but its wrecking my head. he makes me feel ****ty afterwards yet i still go back for more. when we're in work we bicker and argue and he annoys the shít out of me (and im sure i bug him too) but when we're out its a different story. i guess im just confused as to why im with him when i dont think i fancy him.

anyway, the last time i was with Joe was in the nightclub after being out with Dave and a few others and getting pretty close with Dave (holding my hand at one stage) but when i suggested going to the nightclub he said he just wanted to go home cos he was tired. the hint is well and truly taken about Dave and im sure i'll put it down to "just one of those things" but the Joe thing is wrecking my head. he can be so arrogant and obnoxious but then theres times i see a different side to him.

i know all of this is pretty jumbled up .....im not too articulate tonight....but any advice about any of the above would be greatly appreciated.

LegacyUser

Sort yourself out. Dave obviously liked you but his opinion of you has fallen well and truly because of you scoring Joe. Can you blame him?

If you liked Dave enough, you would not have scored Joe regardless of whether or not you were feeling ****ty.

darkened_corner

cheesedude, I think that's more than a little harsh/insensitive...

SillyGirl, I've been in similar situations myself. I understand the whole fancying and yet not feeling. For me, when it happened, it was a case of I was feeling low, pretty ****ty as you put it, and very vulnerable. It sort of changed my outlook and how attractive I found certain guys, whom, had I been in a proper frame of mind, I wouldn't have touched with a ten-foot pole. You just end up so ****ed up in the head about what you do/don't want that you just keep going back on autopilot without being able to take control and say, "Right! I do/don't want..."

Basically, what I would advise is that, barring work, where you can't really avoid it, stay away from Joe until your head clears up. Also - be sure to get plenty of sleep. From my own experience, being even a little tired can mess your head up more than anything else!

Hope this helps even a little. Best of luck sorting it out.

pancakeman

cheesedude wrote:

Sort yourself out. Dave obviously liked you but his opinion of you has fallen well and truly because of you scoring Joe. Can you blame him?

If you liked Dave enough, you would not have scored Joe regardless of whether or not you were feeling ****ty.

exactly.

klap trap

i know a guy called dave so i can understand where you're coming from

Sherifu

cheesedude wrote:

Sort yourself out. Dave obviously liked you but his opinion of you has fallen well and truly because of you scoring Joe. Can you blame him?

If you liked Dave enough, you would not have scored Joe regardless of whether or not you were feeling ****ty.

I agree.

LegacyUser

Poor dave though! Think of how he feels! He really liked this girl obviously. And now he has clearly and rightly so no interest in her anymore. Why should he?

In all fairness, if a girl is feeling insecure and vulnerable, there is no reason to pass the hurt around and score another guy if she claims she "really likes" the guy she originally scored in the first place.

I mean, think of Dave....

I know I sound like a guy who has been ****ed around by girls, but i most certainly have not(touch wood). I am just trying to bring Daves feelings into consideration. I mena it is common sense and logical.

darkened_corner

*despairs for the state of humanity*

So she made a mistake; yes, not once but several times. That kind of a loop is ridiculously hard to break out of, especially when you start feeling worse and worse about what you're doing, yet what you're doing is still the only escape from that ****ty feeling. You end up feeling confused and ambivalent, not sure what you're doing, and your subconscious just takes over and steers you back into the bad habit.

I know that Dave got hurt, and that the feelings of both sides need to be considered, but that's just the thing - the feelings of BOTH need to be taken into account, hers too.

I'd just like to question what the point is of people posting here if all you're going to do is beat the girl down and condemn her, instead of trying to give her advice on how to FIX things? That IS what this board is for.

Sherifu

No ones beating anybody down.
We're just telling her why we think <insert name here> doesnt wanna know.
If she wants <insert name here> then she should drop <insert name of lamo here> like a hot bun and tell <insert name here> how she feels.

**Im not very good with names.

MojoMaker

She can "fix" things by getting a grip on her emotions and stop pandering to the need of every arsehole with a hardon out there. Of course she is atracted to the lad that takes the pis$$ out of her, jesus she isn't the first woman in the world to go for the asshole bad boy but in time she will learn, possibly too late but that's often the way teenage/early 20s relationships go ffs.

The nice quiet well-mannered Dave will always come second best until such point as her world stops revolving around herself and she wakes up to life and stops trying to validate herself through the eyes of others, particularly those totally undeserving of such responsibility.

darkened_corner

Huh. All I see here is a series of responses that had to have come from straight men - these posts show such a stereotypical lack of understanding of women's basic emotional process that if I'd seen them anywhere else I would have assumed it was meant to be funny. I think I'm deleting my subscription to this thread before I throw up at the level of immaturity.

SillyGirl - hope that things work out for you, and take it from somebody who knows, anytime anything like this happens, vultures like this lot just seem to descend out of nowhere...

tinkerbell

If you don't like Joe, don't keep getting with Joe.

Sleepy

Joe's a bastard. Women love a bastard. You're a woman. Do you really need much more explanation?

aidan_walsh

darkened_corner wrote:

Huh. All I see here is a series of responses that had to have come from straight men - these posts show such a stereotypical lack of understanding of women's basic emotional process that if I'd seen them anywhere else I would have assumed it was meant to be funny. I think I'm deleting my subscription to this thread before I throw up at the level of immaturity.

SillyGirl - hope that things work out for you, and take it from somebody who knows, anytime anything like this happens, vultures like this lot just seem to descend out of nowhere...

Oh give over... FFS, her problem is that the guy she claims to like is obviously hurt by what she has done, but she can't seem to stop hurting him, and is getting progressively confused about why he is distrustful of her. Personally, I reckon he has every reason to be... Hell, the last time it happened she was with both of them the same night!

SillyGirl - We ain't vultures, we're telling you what you probably already know. If you want this guy, stay away from the other one. Simple as that.

pickarooney

I think darkened corner has a fair point. I don't think a man could understand this kind of behaviour. Applying logic is useless.
Imagine yourselves in the reverse situation. Whether or not you had feelings for Joan, you wouldn't beat yourself up about getting off with her. And as for Davina, well, if you didn't take the chance when you had it, you probably didn't care enough.

Lemming

pickarooney wrote:

I think darkened corner has a fair point. I don't think a man could understand this kind of behaviour. Applying logic is useless.
Imagine yourselves in the reverse situation. Whether or not you had feelings for Joan, you wouldn't beat yourself up about getting off with her. And as for Davina, well, if you didn't take the chance when you had it, you probably didn't care enough.

True pikarooney, but the thing is that "Dave" *is* a guy, ergo he is going to look at it from a guy's perspective, so SillyGgirl needs to try a little empathic understanding. If she can understand why he's acting the way he's acting then she can figure out what she's doing that's causing it, and by proxy causing further emotional upset to herself. Then she can fix it ....

Personally I think doodle_sketch has things bang on the money with his last post.

pickarooney

SillyGirl wrote:

the hint is well and truly taken about Dave and im sure i'll put it down to "just one of those things" but the Joe thing is wrecking my head.

I'm just assuming that Dave is history and she knows full well why. As for Joe, there's one kind of attraction (physical) but not the other (emotional). Just one of them would be largely enough for most men, but SillyGirl would probably prefer more of a balance, and can't rationalise her feelings.

LegacyUser

darkened_corner wrote:

*despairs for the state of humanity*

So she made a mistake; yes, not once but several times. That kind of a loop is ridiculously hard to break out of, especially when you start feeling worse and worse about what you're doing, yet what you're doing is still the only escape from that ****ty feeling. You end up feeling confused and ambivalent, not sure what you're doing, and your subconscious just takes over and steers you back into the bad habit.

I know that Dave got hurt, and that the feelings of both sides need to be considered, but that's just the thing - the feelings of BOTH need to be taken into account, hers too.

I'd just like to question what the point is of people posting here if all you're going to do is beat the girl down and condemn her, instead of trying to give her advice on how to FIX things? That IS what this board is for.

Oh for ****s sake! Cop on to yourself!

If I like a girl and I kiss her, If i really like her and want something to happen, I would not go off and score her workmate regardless.

So what is my advice to the girl which she requested: Sort your emotions out. Sort your feelings out. If you like someone and want something to happen and make this known, you do not go off and score a workmate because that guy you like and vica versa did not come out...that is just low.

Dr. Loon

darkened_corner wrote:

- these posts show such a stereotypical lack of understanding of women's basic emotional process

Women's basic emotional process is, "I feel a bit low, I'll score a guy I don't want to be with even though I really like another bloke" Is that it? Cop on. The harsh but true advice here, will at least give the original poster a bit of perspective, and possibly cause her not to make the same mistake again. Basic emotional process my arsé.

BEAT

I think that if Dave was interested he would have shown up for drinks that night, he didnt so she went with Joe...
If Dave had the slightest interest it went out the window with her behavior with Joe..I can only assume.

My advice, stop snogging people you work with and move on. Keep your personal life outside of your work life, mixing the two will never be a good thing.
Try going to a club and meeting someone you dont work with, maybe you will be happier for it


Btw, a comment was made about the *nice* guy finishing last , so to speak...
I wonder why that is...are they too shy? seems like the Bold men have no problem finding girls...not because they are *bad boy* but probably because they speak up and let the girl know they are interested...all a girl wants is to know someone has interest...who does'nt?
If the nice guy spoke up more often then I think the girl would choose them everytime...who wants to be treated like crap honestly?
I know I am still waiting for the nice guys to emerge from the shadows and for the jerks to take a step back

Kali

I can see theonion headline now... "Area Woman In Doesn't Know What She Wants Shocker"

BolBill

klap trap wrote:

i know a guy called dave so i can understand where you're coming from

Yeah me too now that I think of it, cool !!!!!

BolBill

On a more serious note.
Sillygirl (and oh yes you are) some simple advice. Tell Joe that you don't want to mix business with pleasure, in other words, dump him (you said he can be a prick, well treat him like one). In regards to Dave, tell him you LIKE him, nothing major and see what he says. It could be that he's just way too shy for his own good (I know, Im him (not actually him but have been there)) because I can't see him holding your hand if he didn't at least like you a little.
Anyway let us know how you get on, its intriguing

EKRIUQ

Sillygirl your after commiting the mortal sin with men, If Dave liked you before as you did Kiss then you went with the "ass" Joe, its after lowering Dave's opinion of you and he can't be seen to be Joe's seconds. Try finishing it with Joe then tell Dave that you don't know what you were doing with Joe, try really bad mouthing Joe as then you will go back up in Daves opinion again and you then may have a chance.

LegacyUser

TIPPTOP wrote:

Sillygirl your after commiting the mortal sin with men, If Dave liked you before as you did Kiss then you went with the "ass" Joe, its after lowering Dave's opinion of you and he can't be seen to be Joe's seconds. Try finishing it with Joe then tell Dave that you don't know what you were doing with Joe, try really bad mouthing Joe as then you will go back up in Daves opinion again and you then may have a chance.

Eh no it won't. It will make you look like an absolute whore who didn't find Dave good enough so went after Joe and then back to Dave.

You have to seriously start again with Dave if you want to. Do not try being two faced about the situation. You knew he was a dick before you scored Joe.

eth0_

I think she's a bit of a slag, tbh!

aidan_walsh

BEAT wrote:

Btw, a comment was made about the *nice* guy finishing last , so to speak...
I wonder why that is...are they too shy? seems like the Bold men have no problem finding girls...not because they are *bad boy* but probably because they speak up and let the girl know they are interested...all a girl wants is to know someone has interest...who does'nt?
If the nice guy spoke up more often then I think the girl would choose them everytime...who wants to be treated like crap honestly?
I know I am still waiting for the nice guys to emerge from the shadows and for the jerks to take a step back

That, my dear, is a whole other thread...

LegacyUser

PS: Nice guys do finish last. You gotta be an arrogant ****er in your teens if you want to get action.

kensutz

cheesedude wrote:

Poor dave though! Think of how he feels! He really liked this girl obviously. And now he has clearly and rightly so no interest in her anymore. Why should he?

In all fairness, if a girl is feeling insecure and vulnerable, there is no reason to pass the hurt around and score another guy if she claims she "really likes" the guy she originally scored in the first place.

I mean, think of Dave....

I know I sound like a guy who has been ****ed around by girls, but i most certainly have not(touch wood). I am just trying to bring Daves feelings into consideration. I mena it is common sense and logical.

I agree with cheesdude on this as I was in the same situation with a girl in work, 2 of us liked each other then I went over to England for a match and she decided to get off with a fella in work too. She didnt want anything to happen to us beforehand as she wasn't ready yet she had no second thoughts of being with the other fella in work, I said she's not worth it and haven't looked back. She still likes me and I've been told but I'm having none of it. So I'm with Dave, show absolutely no interest in her again and move on.

LegacyUser

we folks, first of all thanks for the advice.

i told Joe last night that we'd be better off not letting anything happen again and he agreed with me so thats cool.

as for Dave, i dont think i was very clear on the situation there. i was with Dave almost 4 months ago and it was only once and nothing has happened since. i had hoped it would and he seemed to like me but at the same time he was sort of meeting this other girl for a little while, which i was slightly disappointed but all in all ok about. there were a few opportunitites where something could have happened but neither of us did anything about it. (we're both a bit shy when it comes to stuff like that) i didnt see my being with Joe as being unfaithful or anything as some people here seem to be alluding to. there was nothing happening and i am the first to admit that by being with Joe theres fúck all chance of anything happening again. but the point of my post was more about Joe and you're right, business and pleasure dont mix and i have learned my lesson.

thanks again

Lafortezza

Dave and Joe are probably getting down and dirty in the stationary cupboard and wondering how to get rid of this emotionally fúcked up hanger-on chick that they both scored recently...

Canis Lupus

lafortezza wrote:

Dave and Joe are probably getting down and dirty in the stationary cupboard and wondering how to get rid of this emotionally fúcked up hanger-on chick that they both scored recently...

heh heh... now that would be funny if true.