mom

LegacyUser

My boyfs mother is from hell. Literally. though shes always been nice 2 my face.
She was having an argument with him.
She screamed nasty things about me when I was in the house, knowing full well I would hear. I think she was trying to get to him by bitching about me!
Im very hesitant about goin back to his house. we are both in our late 20's.
help.
Has any1 experienced nasty parents of your other half?!!

koneko

Did you say anything to him?
What nasty things did she say about you? Are they nasty-nasty, or based on truth?
Will need more to go on.

LegacyUser

thanx koneko.
yes hes v.sorry for what she said. He doesnt like his mother at all. shes always on at him for something or other..
its really petty how the argument started.. he had done something for me (i didnt ask him to), she got annoyed about it....
thing is, hes living at home. i think its getting to her. but stil no reason to say bitchy things!!
I dunno what to do.

Bright Smile

you should NOT have to deal with that- you're a human being and you fe*king deserve some common curtesy when you go into anyones house-its a case of damn good manners and nothing else! retain the fact that your relationship is with him and not his mother thanks be to god, and next time, say it to him. be brave, actually go in as many times as possible and be as nice as pie actually- then at least you'll be trying for your boyfriends sake and you'll kill her with what we all hate- niceness!

tinkerbell

Yah - feck her! She's the one with the problem, not you. Say it to your boyfriend and tell him to sort that crap out! That and be syruppy-sweet nice to her everytime you meet her, it'll drive her nuts!!

mad m

Bright Smile wrote:

you should NOT have to deal with that- you're a human being and you fe*king deserve some common curtesy when you go into anyones house-its a case of damn good manners and nothing else!

Well the mother can say what she wants in her own home now,cant she...We dont know full history here only the one side of coin here...Mother or family in-laws are a part of going out with someone and a big PART when or if you get married,they are classed as luggage(So a marriage counsellor said to all of us at a marriage course i was at before i got married) and boy are they luggage.....So bite your tongue and be nice in her house yes,but if it goes outside house in public place then have your two cents.

StupidLikeAFox

tinkerbell wrote:

Yah - feck her! She's the one with the problem, not you. Say it to your boyfriend and tell him to sort that crap out! That and be syruppy-sweet nice to her everytime you meet her, it'll drive her nuts!!

Girl Power!!!!

(Btw, i actually agree with what shes saying though)

Aava

Not trying to be harsh, but she probably doesn't like you. The whole being nice to you thing is just an act, I know because my mother gets all fake in front of people she doesn't like. You're just gonna have to avoid her...

Beruthiel

annoyed gal wrote:

Has any1 experienced nasty parents of your other half?!!

ten years back I arrived at my new b/f's door to pick him up on my motorbike, she took one look at me and decided she didn't like me - so for the next 4 years while I was going out with him, I never made any effort with her again, eventually she came around and was nice to me - my advice is just don't bother making an effort, don't bother going around to her place, if she wishes to produce some manners and makes an effort then give her the chance, if not, why should you bother, you're not going out with her, you're going out with her son, if she doesn't like it, she can lump it!
Remember, no girl will ever be good enough for her little boy anyway....

Occidental

Beruthiel wrote:

Remember, no girl will ever be good enough for her little boy anyway....

Yep. Lots of mothers look at girlfriends as competition. I've seen a few who actually run their sons life, often without him even realising.

How keen is he to move out and does he stand up to her, or just bitch behind her back. These things should tell you where you really stand in the relationship.

LegacyUser

Aava wrote:

Not trying to be harsh, but she probably doesn't like you. The whole being nice to you thing is just an act, I know because my mother gets all fake in front of people she doesn't like. You're just gonna have to avoid her...

I dont think that she doesnt like me. she has absolutely no reason to not like me. Its kinda difficult to avoid her since I'd like to go around to my mans house. its not fair if he always comes over here...

Bright Smile wrote:

actually go in as many times as possible and be as nice as pie actually- then at least you'll be trying for your boyfriends sake and you'll kill her with what we all hate- niceness!

No I cant be nice to her when I know she talked about me in that v. rude manner, making sure I could hear!! I really think she was trying to get to my boyfriend by dragging my name into the arguement... But there was no need for that.

The_Conductor

There are different ways of looking at this tbh

In the past it would have been normal for people to move out from home and do there own thing when they reached a certain age (late teens/early 20s).
He is still living at home. His Mom has watched him growing up, as her son, and possibly still views him as a child more so than as the adult that he is. Its not really a fault on her part, more a fact of life really. Bringing girlfriends home and changing lifestyles as you grow older can be difficult for some parents to accept, particularly as they may feel that as he is still at home he should obey certains rules as they see fit. Keep in mind- she may be quite old fashioned/conservative, she may feel that she has certain morales and ideals that young people today just do not adhere to. You do not have to agree with these morales or views.

You are dating her son, not her. However- as your b/f is still living at home- you will unfortunately have to deal with her, probably a lot more than you are happy with.

Its probably not anything to do with you- inspite of the nasty comments that were made. I think it might simply be a manifestation of a lack of acceptance on the part of his mother that he is now a fully grown adult capable of making his own decisions and running his own life.

Ultimately, until such time as your b/f asserts this independence by being an adult in the eyes of his mother (which I very much doubt is the case at present)- this sort of thing will continue, irrespective of who he is dating.

The one thing you have to keep in mind- is you are dating your b/f, not his mother. You do not have to like her one little bit. You should however be civil to her and as tactful as is possible and appropriate about her to your b/f. Don't go down the road of making ultimations about family members with him (e.g. if I do not get an apology from her I will do X) it will put him in hell effectively asking him to choose between you and his mother. Its a bridge that you have not encountered yet- but just don't do down that road, its not worth it.

Unfortunately what you are describing is part and parcel of modern life- you'll just have to work around it.

S.

Bri

Yeah as said above, I'd say test the waters a bit with him but don't openly bitch about her to him unless it's necessary. Tact is the name of the game as she's still his mother and he's (likely) to have longterm loyalty to her even if she's a cow!

BuffyBot

she has absolutely no reason to not like me

I think you're missing the point. She doesn't need a reason, you're going out with her pride and joy, and quite a lot of the time, "mother in laws" take an irrational hatred to those who are dating their children.

Beruthiel

annoyed gal wrote:

Its kinda difficult to avoid her since I'd like to go around to my mans house. its not fair if he always comes over here...

if your b/f is in his late 20's why is he still living at home?

The Corinthian

My mother had a similar, if not more difficult, experience when she married into my father’s family. To begin with she is Irish, not Italian (already a black mark against her) and was additionally not considered to be from the same social class as my father’s family. As a result, I have vague childhood memories of heated rows where my grandmother would refer to my mother as “that foreign peasant girl”. A tentative peace and acceptance has formed over the decades, but it ultimately was as a result of what I can only describe as a protracted war of attrition on both sides. Moving to Ireland helped, I suspect.

Ultimately if you remain with him, you are going to have to deal with the same thing (although, perhaps not as extreme). Bare in mind, there are a number of dynamics in play here, of which two will be of principle influence. Firstly his mother is excreting her natural instinct to protect her (not-so-)young, who has apparently not yet left the nest. Secondly as his focus for a female role model shifts from her to you, her matriarchal authority will now be under threat.

So her strategy shall be to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend and force him, sooner rather than later (when he may be too involved with you to let go later), to choose between the two of you. Note that this strategy is probably not even a conscious one upon her part.

In this she has the advantage of being his mother when fighting for his affection, which would seem insurmountable on the onset. Of course, you have the distinct advantage of being able to offer him something his mother cannot - sex - and that will most likely be one of the principle means that you will be able to employ to wean him out of the nest.

So welcome to one of the oldest social conflicts in existence, probably second only to the one played out between the genders.

LegacyUser

Occidental wrote:

How keen is he to move out and does he stand up to her, or just bitch behind her back.

Hes dying 2 move out, money is the problem. He has lived on his own before, survived more like! but didnt last long, due to money probs...

The Corinthian wrote:

Firstly his mother is excreting her natural instinct to protect her (not-so-)young, who has apparently not yet left the nest

This hasnt really got anything to do with it.... the arguement was along the lines of "you live in my house, obey my rules,...i dont give a dam bout her (me), my house" etc etc
She wants him to move out, do his own thing.
it was upsetting when she mentioned me in that manner. a lot of effing etc

Beruthiel

annoyed gal wrote:

Hesthe arguement was along the lines of "you live in my house, obey my rules,...i dont give a dam bout her (me), my house" etc etc
She wants him to move out, do his own thing.

well
in all honesty
she does have a point....

pickarooney

That "money problems" is a bit vague. Gambling debts? Laziness? Sheer bad luck?
Whatever it is, how come you understand it and not his mam?

None of our business really, but the problem is between her and him, right? You just happen to be there and get a bit caught in the crossfire, if I understand correctly.

simu

Beruthiel wrote:

well
in all honesty
she does have a point....

Yup, I agree. It can be very stressful if a total stranger comes in and starts living/hanging around a lot in your house. Resentments build up that never would have existed had it not been due to overly-prolonged proximity. They usually fizzle away when some distance has been established so I don't think it's impossible for you to have an okay relationship with this woman at some point in the future.

Beruthiel

simu wrote:

Yup, I agree. It can be very stressful if a total stranger comes in and starts living/hanging around a lot in your house. Resentments build up that never would have existed had it not been due to overly-prolonged proximity. They usually fizzle away when some distance has been established so I don't think it's impossible for you to have an okay relationship with this woman at some point in the future.

totally agree
when my daughter reaches her late twenties she will not be be bringing people back to my gaf to entertain them, she can find her own space to do that in

The Corinthian

annoyed gal wrote:

This hasnt really got anything to do with it.... the arguement was along the lines of "you live in my house, obey my rules,...i dont give a dam bout her (me), my house" etc etc
She wants him to move out, do his own thing.
it was upsetting when she mentioned me in that manner. a lot of effing etc

Sorry, I seem to have understood. Seems like it's really down to a case of his outstaying his welcome at home and you unfortunately getting caught in the crossfire. Once he move out again things should eventually settle down between them again and you and her may have a chance to start afresh also.

Beruthiel wrote:

when my daughter reaches her late twenties she will not be be bringing people back to my gaf to entertain them, she can find her own space to do that in

Too many jokes... Must resist...

Doodee

annoyed gal wrote:

Has any1 experienced nasty parents of your other half?!!

One of my Ex's fathers was trying to kill me :eek:

Victor

The Corinthian wrote:

Firstly his mother is excreting her natural instinct to protect her (not-so-)young, who has apparently not yet left the nest.

So Freudian.

LegacyUser

simu wrote:

It can be very stressful if a total stranger comes in and starts living/hanging around a lot in your house. Resentments build up that never would have existed had it not been due to overly-prolonged proximity. They usually fizzle away when some distance has been established so I don't think it's impossible for you to have an okay relationship with this woman at some point in the future.

Im hardly a total stranger! and I dont live/hang around alot in her house. I dont stay over either.. In the last month I've been there about 5 times or less. I stay up in my guys room anyway...

The Corinthian wrote:

you unfortunately getting caught in the crossfire

Yes, thats it. although its totally put me off going back there again. I dont know how im suposed to look her in the eye... shes a b!tch.

Victor

annoyed gal wrote:

I stay up in my guys room anyway...

What if you engage with her? Do a "girls night" (yes, I grossly mis-state that)?

simu

annoyed gal wrote:

Im hardly a total stranger! and I dont live/hang around alot in her house. I dont stay over either.. In the last month I've been there about 5 times or less. I stay up in my guys room anyway...

Yes, thats it. although its totally put me off going back there again. I dont know how im suposed to look her in the eye... shes a b!tch.

Well, if there's no hope of reconciliation, you might as well have some fun with her. Try being super polite and smarmishly friendly just to mess with her head.

Sarky

I'd agree. If you want to give her a metaphorical bitchslap, be extremely nice to her and completely ignore any of her nastiness.

GuanYin

simu wrote:

Well, if there's no hope of reconciliation, you might as well have some fun with her. Try being super polite and smarmishly friendly just to mess with her head.

Yeah, the best way to deal with rude people is to be sickeningly insincerely nice to them, it infuriates them but they can't do or say anything about it

The_Conductor

Ffs- if you genuinely have any long term aspirations of remaining with her son, and would like to be on good terms with the family- psychological warfare is **not** the best path of action. There are a myriad of ways of showing that her actions are not getting to you. Being polite is fine- but making a point of being ultrapolite just for the sake of it is an open invitation to outright warfare. Be yourself- and treat her as you would like her to treat you. If she is not able to deal with it- then keep in mind- you are not dating her- you are dating her son, and you are doing it for his sake.

I know financials make it difficult to move from home- but it does seriously sound as though your b/f has outstayed his welcome? A more productive path of action might be to sit down and openly discuss this with him?

S.

LegacyUser

My mother has bitched about most of the girls I have brought home, behind my back to my family. My mother doesnt get on with her mother in law and my grandmother never liked any of her daughters in law. I think mothers are overprotective of their sons and fear that the woman who has done everything for them their entire life is no longer needed now they are in a relationship. You will probably be the same with your son when he starts dating

LegacyUser

thanks every1 for the advice!
I have decided Im not going to go over to his house for a few months, at least. It won't be difficult, considering I feel v.unwelcome there!

Being nice to his mother- no. If i do that its like Im letting her walk all over me. She'll think she can say what she likes about me! and it sets the tone for my relationship with her in the future.. No way!
I'll act indifferently to her. Just "hi" with a forced smile, ye get the picture.

In a few months this thing will blow over anyway. Hopefully!

pickarooney

Do you have your own place?

LegacyUser

No, im still at home, im at college and have a part time job.