Boyfriend Problems

LegacyUser

Hello everybody!

Regular poster but don't want any of this stuff getting back to my boyfriend, who many of you know!

The thing is, we've been having a few problems recently and I'm not sure how to bring them up with my boyfriend without seeming like a big moan. Firstly, we're both in our late twenties. Recently I booked a weekend away for us in a 5 star hotel in central London for over the Christmas holidays. And, rather than being grateful, my boyfriend has instead told me that he isn't interested in going to a posh hotel and would rather I booked somewhere more mid-range. I thought he'd really like this present and am shocked by his response. It seems so ungrateful!

Then, last week it was my birthday and he asked me what I wanted for it, so I told him. I would have preferred if he had surprised me with something, but it doesn't really matter. The point is, I told him that I wanted a necklace with an emerald in it (to match a dress that I have) but instead, he got me a necklace with a sapphire in it. It's really nice, and he said he got me that one instead because it's my birthstone, but really I'd prefer the emerald one. I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire! Now he's refusing to exchange it. What should I do?

I hope you guys can help me out. Thanks folks!

vibrant

Errrm.... so is he going to go on holiday with you? It sounds like a lovely, and the response is baffling. I think I know the answer already, but can you change hotels? I know their cancellation policies can be awful but if you could, you could book somewhere mid-range and use the remaining money to buy an emerald necklace.

dudara

now that's solving two problems at once vibrant

In fairness, it sounds like he's being stubborn. He might feel wrong-footed and now doesn't want to change his mind. Matter of pride and all that. I recognise the symptoms only too well. Both my boyfriend and I are as pig-headed as the other.

As to what to do about it, I would say that you have to sit him down and ask him what's really going on.

is_that_so

I would bite the bullet here, especially if you think that there are long-term prospects. It's time for a "We need to talk" conversation although I would frame it as a "Things I like/dislike about you" . That would apply to you both. You need to clear the air. The longer you put it off the more unhappy you'll become. Best of luck in it.

Xcom2

You say he is being ungrateful for not accepting your gift of a weekend away and at the same time you are unhappy with his gift because it does not suit your dress?

Who is being ungrateful?

Cop on to yourselves!

You both bought each other nice gift's,so either live with them or split up!

My head hurt's!

X

MrPinK

Do you make more money than he does?

Third_Echelon

MrPinK wrote:

Do you make more money than he does?

sounds like you hit the nail on the head here..... i could be wrong, but i think you may be right...

Lump

I live in london, if he doesn't come, I'll meet up with you

John

OfflerCrocGod

Partygirly2 wrote:

Hello everybody!

Regular poster but don't want any of this stuff getting back to my boyfriend, who many of you know!

The thing is, we've been having a few problems recently and I'm not sure how to bring them up with my boyfriend without seeming like a big moan. Firstly, we're both in our late twenties. Recently I booked a weekend away for us in a 5 star hotel in central London for over the Christmas holidays. And, rather than being grateful, my boyfriend has instead told me that he isn't interested in going to a posh hotel and would rather I booked somewhere more mid-range. I thought he'd really like this present and am shocked by his response. It seems so ungrateful!

He may not be able to match your present and therefore may feel a little embarrassed about your generosity (what MrPinK said).

Partygirly2 wrote:

Then, last week it was my birthday and he asked me what I wanted for it, so I told him. I would have preferred if he had surprised me with something, but it doesn't really matter. The point is, I told him that I wanted a necklace with an emerald in it (to match a dress that I have) but instead, he got me a necklace with a sapphire in it. It's really nice, and he said he got me that one instead because it's my birthstone, but really I'd prefer the emerald one. I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire! Now he's refusing to exchange it. What should I do?

I hope you guys can help me out. Thanks folks!

He surprised you, you didn't like the surprise. I suggest you worry about more important things then whether a necklace he got you matches your clothes. Women.

athena 2000

Perhaps the emerald necklaces he could afford weren't as nice as the sapphire he chose instead? Emeralds are generally more expensive than sapphires unless you were lucky enough to get a cornflower blue stone.

If your man buys you jewelry, he's not only listening to you, he chose something he was willing to give and that he could afford. What difference does the type of stone make? You've said the sapphire is pretty. Don't let small things ruin your relationship. What's more important? Him or the necklace? Buy a blue dress! I'm sure you'll be lovely in it and the necklace.

Etain

What the others said about money being the issue for him sounds reasonable. Is he more frugal about money or do you earn more money ? This can be a real problem for couples if they don't work it out.
About the necklace: I believe he intended for it to be a thoughtful gift. It says a lot for him that he knows your birthstone.Men don't generally think about matching jewelry with clothes. He's had his thoughtful gift thrown back in his face, that's why he won't return it.
You said that you'd rather have been surprised, but really, weren't you? If you plan to continue with him, I suggest that you buy a lovely blue shirt to go with the necklace and wear it proudly.Next time you want a surprise-- give him no suggestions-- tell him you'd like a surprise, and then be happy with whatever he thinks of.

secret_squirrel

OfflerCrocGod wrote:

I suggest you worry about more important things

Like the fact its pointless posting anon if you are going to give enough details for your BF to work out its you anyhow. Right now I imagine your BF is reading Personal Issues and planning the row for the next time you both talk.....

smiaras

This post has been deleted.

Xcom2

Maybe he does not want to exchange it because he actually put some tought into it! :eek:

And quite possibly he has a nice matching outfit as a crimbo pressie?
Or maybe not!

Either way be thankful he bought you something!

X

Victor

Partygirly2 wrote:

Recently I booked a weekend away for us in a 5 star hotel in central London for over the Christmas holidays.

5-star sounds intimidatingly expensive and he may feel he needs to reciprocate with a similarly priced gift and may not be able to afford it. Or he might not like London. Or he might feel the trip is disproportionate to your relationship. Or a million other things. Talk to him.

Partygirly2 wrote:

Then, last week it was my birthday and he asked me what I wanted for it, so I told him. I would have preferred if he had surprised me with something, but it doesn't really matter. The point is, I told him that I wanted a necklace with an emerald in it (to match a dress that I have) but instead, he got me a necklace with a sapphire in it. It's really nice, and he said he got me that one instead because it's my birthstone, but really I'd prefer the emerald one.

It's a **gift**, you can ask, you can't demand. How much of a price difference is there?

Partygirly2 wrote:

I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire!

Emerald smemerald. Do you really think most guys know the difference? Maybe he made a mistake! The concept of "get a life" comes to mind (for those not in the know sapphire = blue, emerald=green).

Partygirly2 wrote:

Now he's refusing to exchange it.

It obviously stolen.

Partygirly2 wrote:

I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire!

Then wear nothing with it!

Mr.Nice Guy

Victor wrote:

It obviously stolen.

Lol!

seamus

So you bought a really expensive present, then told him the present he bought you was ****?

I'm pretty sure that's the problem right there.

TBH both things sound like something completely ridiculous for either of you to be getting your knickers twisted about. How long are you going out?

I can't really comment on his reaction to your gift because we don't have the full story there, but on your reaction to his gift, stop being all womany and undecided, and make a straight answer.

First you say

I would have preferred if he had surprised me with something

Then you tell us

he said he got me that one instead because it's my birthstone, but really I'd prefer the emerald one

So, you'd prefer that he surprised you, that is put some thought into the gift, but when he buys you something where he has put some thought into it - but stayed along a theme, because you obviously fancied that style of jewellery - you tell us that you'd prefer if he hadn't put some thought into it and bought what you asked for?

No wonder the poor guy's confused.

The Sweeper

Partygirly2 wrote:

...Recently I booked a weekend away for us in a 5 star hotel in central London for over the Christmas holidays...a necklace with an emerald in it (to match a dress that I have) ...a necklace with a sapphire in it...I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire! Now he's refusing to exchange it...

eh, tbh?

Lump

Sorry for my meaningless reply... I thought I would have been told off by now... Obviously no-one pays any attention to me.... Maybe I should start a thread

john

Victor

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

eh, tbh?

Quote possibly, but Beru's policy is this type of thread might help others, so unless it becoems disruptive, it stays open for the moment.

Xcom2

Lock this thread. :eek:

X

Lump

Why?

John

Xcom2

Do I really have to say what I think?

She is a complete ******,her partner did something nice for her and she is moaning because the Jewel he bought does not match her dress?

I want to be really rude but I wont!

X

Conspiracy

You guys should read properly !!

He asked her what she wanted for christmas.
Though she would have preferred a surprise, she told him what she wanted.
He then got something different. Why did he bother asking then?!!!

In both of the examples, he ignores her opinion, and wants something else.
While the surface may reveal petty issues, there may be something underneath this.
Is there some form of power struggle going on in this relationship?
Do things like this happen often? Does one partner know better than the other often??

Not really enough information to say whats happening, but the two isolated incidents here show at the least a really bad communication environment.

He asks what you want - you tell him - then he gets something else.
You get him something nice - he knows better than you - tells you you shouldn't have gotten it ?

Unless you are saving for a house or something, if you can afford the hotel, then whats the problem?
As for guys not knowing whether it's a saphire or whatevr other stone - that is why you ask someone.
Either he knows better than the jewl experts, or again, he knows what you want better than you do yourself. Claimed it was your birthstone - and his recognition of that needed to be more important than you asking then for a different stone for the reason that it specifically matched your dress.

Sounds like communication problems here - possibly even more.

C.

the_syco

Partygirly2 wrote:

Firstly, we're both in our late twenties. Recently I booked a weekend away for us in a 5 star hotel in central London for over the Christmas holidays. And, rather than being grateful, my boyfriend has instead told me that he isn't interested in going to a posh hotel and would rather I booked somewhere more mid-range. I thought he'd really like this present and am shocked by his response. It seems so ungrateful!

I wonder how much he'd have to pay? Proberly 50-50. And he proberly can't afford it, after buying you

Partygirly2 wrote:

a necklace with a sapphire in it.

which you liked

Partygirly2 wrote:

It's really nice

He gave a reason for buying it

Partygirly2 wrote:

he said he got me that one instead because it's my birthstone

And you refuse it, teling him to take it back

Partygirly2 wrote:

but really I'd prefer the emerald one. I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire! Now he's refusing to exchange it. What should I do?

Poor guy.

Seriously, tho, I think your being a wee bit hard on him. Also, did you even ASK if he was free that weekend?

[edit]
Also, Unless it was a "gota de aceite" oil drop emerald, the shappire would be more expensive. If these rows were about money, and he got the more expensive stone, which you refused, he would proberly be a bit confused.
[/edit]

sceptre

Victor wrote:

(for those not in the know sapphire = blue, emerald=green)

Tut tut Victor. A sapphire is the crystalline form of aluminium oxide (yup, plain old Al2 O3). It can come in almost any colour - yellow, clear, pink, orange and even multi-coloured. And even green. Oh and blue as well. It also comes in red but we call that a ruby although it's basically the same, though because it gets its colour from chromium (rather than the blue's titanium and iron) impurities it's rather rarer and hence more expensive.

Emeralds are beryllium aluminium meta-silicate or something similar (beryls for short) and come in red (we call that bixbite) blue (people call that aquamarine and pretend it's something different), yellow, pink and the more usual green (iron impurities (as you might have guessed from the colour) for anyone still reading) . Very technically, unlike sapphires, an emerald is only an emerald when it's green as we've different names for all the other colours whereas a sapphire is any corundum (crystalline alum ox) that isn't red - for beryls of different colour, again, like sapphires and rubies, it's the same chemical compound arranged in the same lattice and hence the same darned thing to a science talking guy but different to a jewellery sales talking guy or a bloke apologising for sleeping with his secretary. I'm ignoring this though as it would make my next line less pontificating:).

So you can have a green sapphire and a blue emerald (or rather a blue beryl) - not that this bothers the thousands of people who'll be thronging into their local H Samuel in the next few weeks in search of something that'll make their wives and girlfriends put up with them for another year.



I've no idea whether emeralds or sapphires are more expensive. Sapphires are heavier and harder (second only to diamond - they're denser than anything else we've got after the "will ya move on to the farm" gem). Put simply, a sapphire is a better compound. You should be glad that your boyfriend felt enough about you to give you the very second best and buy a blue dress in thanks:D [1]

(yes yes, I'm kidding. The fool should have followed instructions and recognised that green does not equal blue[1]. Equally while your top weekend away might be a nice idea, he mightn't be able to afford to pay half of it or feel emasculated if you pay for it if he can't and you should consider his feelings on that one)

[1]Personally I still reckon that for nice colour a nice purple amethyst whips both emerald and sapphire into the ha'penny place unless you go and get a very expensive sapphire (emeralds aren't all that nice, though aquamarines (the blue emeralds) are particularly lovely). Comes with all that historical spiritual hooplah as well (faithfulness, dream foretelling and so on) which appeals to some. Technically as it's purple quartz it's inferior to both but unless you're spending a few thousand or up the price range is the same. Tiny little emeralds and sapphires can't capture colour at all and just veer towards black, are about as good as coloured glass and are hence a total waste of time unless they're orbiting around a big lump of something nice from de Beers. Not that I could afford to get my better half something nice from de Beers at the moment mind you. Craploads of taste, no moolah.

tinkerbell

Jees, you should be damn glad he bought you something. He obviously put more effort in buying you your birthstone. You can't throw stones if you're giving out about him not liking your weekend away - you're doing the exact same about his present!

Zulu

Did you happen to do some "christmas shopping" on this trip to London? What was your plan for this weekend? Concert tickets? Football match?

...or shopping?

Personally, a shopping holiday to London would interest me like a hole in the head. If a girlfriend got me one - the shopping had better be lingerie, or else I'd just assume she had got it for herself.

seamus

Conspiracy wrote:

He asked her what she wanted for christmas.
Though she would have preferred a surprise, she told him what she wanted.
He then got something different. Why did he bother asking then?!!!

He had no idea what to get her. So he asked to get a general idea. He didn't want to look like he was just buying her what she asked for - she did say she'd like a surprise - so he put a little thought into it, and bought her something along the same lines. She's a woman. A piece of jewellery isn't something bad if it doesn't go with anything, it's an excuse for her to go shopping.

Not really enough information to say whats happening, but the two isolated incidents here show at the least a really bad communication environment.

I'll agree with that.

You get him something nice - he knows better than you - tells you you shouldn't have gotten it ?

I didn't comment on his reaction to the hotel for exactly what you've said above. You've jumped to a conclusion without getting the full story.

WhiteWashMan

seamus wrote:

She's a woman. A piece of jewellery isn't something bad if it doesn't go with anything, it's an excuse for her to go shopping..

ah my friend, we agree on so many things, but i must admit that after reading that line, my heart was filled with sorrow at your lack of understanding of the fuller figured half of the population.

you see, for the majority of women, jewellery is much like art. you know whatyou like, and you know what you dont like.
and a lot of it is based on skin tones, colours, eyes, type of handbag you have, colour of your hair, colour of your socks, the exact placement of stars in the sky at the birth of andrew lloyd webber and so many other things that men have no idea about. when a woman says she wants a specific something, then my god, thats what she wants. its not just a pretty piece, but its about putting things together, arranging etc.
you ane me, we just throw on a wtch and head out. they put on a watch that matches handbags and shoes, and the colour in your eyes, or something.

and on the other hand, if you told your missus you wanted something, and they went and bought you something else, im sure you would be a little disappointed. i mean, if he said he was going to buy a gem, then jesus, if youre going to spend the money, get it right! unless as someone mentioned, it was purchased on the cheap, in which case, shame on him for not getting both!

as for not wanting to stay in an expensive hotel, well, there has to be a problem somewhere if someone is paying for you to stay somewhere!
for me it would have to be either something to do with being embarassed about money on his part, or he feels threatened by the outlay by his girlfriend, and feels that he will have to do the same thing (ie. hes a bit tight with the wonga) or something else entirely, who knows

so break up, sell the saphire, buy an emerald, and go on your hotel and pick up some handsome young stud muffin for a few days of hotel fantasy fun. and bring your sister.

May I just throw my two cents in and say
"I have positively never had any boyfriend problems"

Barry

seamus

WhiteWashMan wrote:

ah my friend, we agree on so many things, but i must admit that after reading that line, my heart was filled with sorrow at your lack of understanding of the fuller figured half of the population.

That wasn't meant to be my belief, that's meant to be his comeback. "This doesn't go with anything!", "Here's my credit card, go shopping and buy something that goes with it".

Putty in the palm of your hand.

WhiteWashMan

seamus wrote:

Putty in the palm of your hand.

damage in the balance of your bank!


although, of course, i just go straight for diamonds dahhhlink!

The_B_Man

so,
u spent money on him and he refused it.
he spent money on u and u refused it.

thats it, im becoming a priest!


ps for wat its worth, i'd rather stay in a <5star hotel. not coz the money, more coz of how strict they are on ppl comin in locked and passin out in the lobby. the posh hotels bars are never as good either. and lets face it, if he goes over he's gonna go on the piss rather than go shoppin. also, buy a blue dress.

Iago

Xcom2 wrote:

Do I really have to say what I think?

She is a complete ******,her partner did something nice for her and she is moaning because the Jewel he bought does not match her dress?

I want to be really rude but I wont!

X

You're her boyfriend aren't you? You can admit it to us, it's ok

fozzle

Tbh, it sounds to me like there's a deeper problem here than you realise/admit. I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about what's going on. Maybe he was embarrassed that you spent so much on the hotel? He may not feel he can equal such an expensive gift. Re the necklace, I know it's infuriating, if he bothered asking, then why didn't he listen? But maybe he thought you had just suggestted that particular stone 'cos you couldn't think of anything else? Or maybe he couldn't find a setting for it he thought you'd like?

The two of you need to take time to sit down, and for god's sake listen to each other when you do.

RasTa

fozzle wrote:

Tbh, it sounds to me like there's a deeper problem here than you realise/admit. I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about what's going on. Maybe he was embarrassed that you spent so much on the hotel? He may not feel he can equal such an expensive gift. Re the necklace, I know it's infuriating, if he bothered asking, then why didn't he listen? But maybe he thought you had just suggestted that particular stone 'cos you couldn't think of anything else? Or maybe he couldn't find a setting for it he thought you'd like?

The two of you need to take time to sit down, and for god's sake listen to each other when you do.

Your joking right ? Most non personal issue ever.(if thats even proper english)

Nala

To be honest, Partygirly, I think him putting a bit of thought into your present is lovely. And sapphire is way nicer than emerald.

cajun_tiger

hey party girl, listen he tried and you tried i know when you ask for something and you don't get it its a low but come on its a reason to buy a new dress. hotels in london upper class good for girly partys go for the mid way one and spend the cash on the mini bar. you love him you wouldnt post it here if you didn't. so kiss him for no reason and snuggle into his arms and just be glad that he's there xx

Mr.Nice Guy

The moral of this thread is to never spend your money on a woman.

tinkerbell

Partygirly2 wrote:

It's really nice, and he said he got me that one instead because it's my birthstone, but really I'd prefer the emerald one. I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire! Now he's refusing to exchange it. What should I do?

This is being really silly, to be honest. How can you not have anything to wear that will match the sapphire - everything will match it, it doesn't have to be the exact same colour to match it.

You said you'd prefer a surprise, you got one. Quit complaining and be happy!

Bessacadia

Partygirly2 wrote:

Hello everybody!

The point is, I told him that I wanted a necklace with an emerald in it (to match a dress that I have) but instead, he got me a necklace with a sapphire in it. It's really nice, and he said he got me that one instead because it's my birthstone, but really I'd prefer the emerald one. I've nothing to wear that will match the sapphire! Now he's refusing to exchange it. What should I do?

I hope you guys can help me out. Thanks folks!

For gods sake are you for real?
I just hope you were gracious and realised the poor guy probably agonised over his decision.Emerald (requested) or Sapphire(surprise, thoughtful)
He put in a bit of extra thought and got you the sapphire as its your birthstone.I think if I were him I would be offended.

Just buy a blue dress - problem solved, yes?

po0k

Original poster:

.you.silly.wagon.

Seraphina

picky ****in bitch tbh
dont be so ungrateful

Gordon

No personal insults please.

Original poster as tinkerbell said - you wanted a surprise - you got a surprise!

is_that_so

I'd say, at this stage, her head is wrecked with all this advice; 44 of us !!

evein

Eh at least he remembered your birthday!