Partner’s family helped his brother with a house, but not us—I'm struggling to reconcile this

Kangarooknowsme

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out today because I’ve been carrying a heavy burden for a while now, and it’s really starting to take a toll. I’ve tried to make sense of everything, but I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I could really use some outside perspective.

Two years ago, my fiancé and I bought our first home together. The house cost €400,000, and we split the deposit and mortgage equally. To make it work, we had to move 70km outside of Dublin in order to find something affordable. The long commute and additional costs have been challenging, but we both agreed it was a necessary step to get on the property ladder.

However, what has been incredibly difficult to process is that not long after we bought our house, my fiancé’s parents bought a €550,000 home for his brother—paid in full, no mortgage. They announced this a year ago, and I’ll never forget that moment. They said, “Our older son bought a house in Dublin!” But what struck me was that he was unemployed at the time. They casually mentioned that they had paid for it, and then, with a laugh, they complained that his new house was "too far from the shops"—just a 10-minute walk, apparently. Ironically, our nearest shop is 20km away, and we don’t have that same luxury of being able to pop out easily for groceries.

I didn’t expect them to help us, but what really hurt was the fact that they could have and didn’t. The ease with which they were able to support their son, and the way they dismissed the challenges we face, has been emotionally exhausting. The sacrifices we’ve made to afford our home and the financial strain we’re under seem invisible in comparison, and it’s hard not to feel like we were overlooked.

Meanwhile, my fiancé works a low-paid job, and after covering his share of the mortgage and transport, he has very little left at the end of each month. I’ve taken on the bulk of the bills just to keep us afloat. We’ve adopted a frugal lifestyle—spending just €50 a week on food, eating out only once or twice a year, foraging for wild vegetables, and traveling only once in two years. It’s been mentally and physically draining, and I often feel like I’m carrying the weight of our financial responsibilities alone.

What complicates things even more is that my fiancé is unhappy in his job and wants to quit to pursue a career as a full-time artist. While I fully support his creative aspirations, it’s difficult to think about how we’ll survive without a stable income, especially with no safety net from his family.

On top of everything, we’ve been engaged for two years now, but we’ve barely been able to save enough to book a wedding. It’s something I’ve dreamed of, but with everything going on, it feels like it will never be possible.

What really stings, though, is the stark contrast between our situation and his brother’s. His brother is now living in his mortgage-free house in Dublin, enjoying a lifestyle that feels completely out of reach for us. He regularly eats out, attends pilates classes, hires private coaches, and seems to have everything handed to him. Meanwhile, my fiancé and I are just trying to keep our heads above water, making sacrifices every day to get by.

I don’t want to sound bitter, but it’s hard not to feel overlooked and unappreciated when it seems like our struggles don’t matter. We’ve worked so hard, made so many sacrifices, and yet it feels like we’re invisible compared to the life his family has given his brother.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Am I being unreasonable for feeling hurt by this dynamic? I’d really appreciate any advice on how to handle these feelings and how to navigate this situation without letting it erode my relationship or my peace of mind.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’d really value your thoughts.

28064212

What did his parents say when he asked them "hey why'd my brother get a house fully paid for and I didn't get anything?"?

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388099#Comment_123388099

They just replied that they can only help one son…

bfclancy2

you're doing it on your own like most people, its nothing to do with you, its your partners family, his parents are free to do what they want with their money, looking for handouts so your fiance can pursue being an artist sounds even worse than the other brother

28064212

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388105#Comment_123388105

…and when your partner responded "Why?", what happened then? Their answer makes absolutely no sense in isolation

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058407545/partner-s-family-helped-his-brother-with-a-house-but-not-us-im-struggling-to-reconcile-this

Is it case that the brother is useless and you are not?

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388128#Comment_123388128

His parents shut him down when he started asking more questions. It also seemed that because we already had our own house, they felt it was okay to help his brother instead.

Kalimah

I feel your pain. It's very difficult when you see a close family member living the dream and you're struggling. In our early years together my husband and I were very tight for money. Some of his family had free child care and loads of support. My parents were dead so we didn't have any of that. I felt the impact of that hugely. We had cheap holidays in Ireland, drove ancient cars, and hadn't much for nice furniture or expensive hobbies. I got very depressed about it at one stage as a our noses were rubbed in it more than once over our lack of money.

Thirty odd years on and we're ok. We'll never be rich but we can do what we want to do within reason. I'd urge you not to look at the brother too much or you'll drive yourself mad. Keep ploughing away yourselves knowing you're independent. One thing is that the parents will have much more of an input into the brother's house if they bought it for him. Would you like that amount of interference in your life?

Secondly the brother will have a decent tax bill after a gift of that size. I don't think there's much of a way out of that.

I wish you all the very best. I have more respect for anyone who paddles their own canoe than those who are given everything handed to them on a plate.

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388149#Comment_123388149

Thank you so much for your reply. Reading your words really hit home for me. It’s comforting to hear that you’ve been through similar challenges and came out the other side. Honestly, it helps to know we’re not alone in this.

You’re absolutely right about the comparison trap. It’s so hard not to look at his brother’s situation, but I see now how it only makes things more difficult for me emotionally. I’ll try to shift my focus and remind myself that even though things are tough now, our independence is something we can be proud of in the long run. And you’re right—who wants that kind of interference in their life anyway? I know we wouldn’t.

AnnieinDundrum

if your fiancé want to quit work then I think you’ll have to let your house out and rent a small flat somewhere, if you can find one and hopefully you’ll manage to cover the mortgage and rent.

You can forget the big wedding but getting married isnt about the fancy party.

For whatever reason your in laws have sunk their money into one child. Perhaps your fiancé didn’t share with them how much you are struggling. Maybe they think you are loaded.

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388139#Comment_123388139

Thanks for your reply. I see what you're saying, but this feels more about the unfair treatment than comparing who is "useful" or not. The real frustration is that my fiancé’s brother asked for the house, and instead of being grateful, he attributed it to the law of attraction. Meanwhile, we've worked hard for everything and received no help from his parents. It’s hard not to feel like our efforts don’t matter when we’re struggling to make ends meet while he gets handed everything without appreciation.

28064212

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388145#Comment_123388145

Parents don't just randomly choose a child and only help them. They obviously have some sort of reasoning for why they have acted in this way. They may be good reasons, they may be bad reasons, but there are reasons.

If your partner genuinely has absolutely no clue why his parents are treating their children so differently, and the parents refuse to discuss it, then dwelling on it is pointless. There is nothing you can do to change the past. You can only look at your present circumstances and adapt to them. Starting with:

What complicates things even more is that my fiancé is unhappy in his job and wants to quit to pursue a career as a full-time artist. While I fully support his creative aspirations, it’s difficult to think about how we’ll survive without a stable income, especially with no safety net from his family.

Does he have a financial plan on how that's going to work? Or is he just abdicating responsibility and hoping it all works out? That's what you need to be concerned with right now

893bet

In a way it’s a complement. I seen it many times before. They help the one they see as less capable of providing for themselves.

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388119#Comment_123388119

Thanks for your reply. I understand that his parents are free to do what they want with their money, but it still feels unfair when we’ve had to struggle so much while his brother received such significant support. It's not about wanting handouts, but more about the emotional impact of seeing such a disparity in treatment. We’ve worked hard and sacrificed a lot, so it’s hard not to feel overlooked when we get no help, while others receive everything they need without question.

As for my fiancé pursuing his dream of being an artist, I completely understand your concern. It’s definitely a risk, and I’m not asking for handouts, but more stability and support to help him take that leap. We just want to find a balance where we can both be happy and secure.

Bogey Lowenstein

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388149#Comment_123388149

That's true, the parents will feel entitled to rock up to the brother's house out of the blue anytime they like. And consider this OP if one or both of them become unable to live in their own house due to illness or age. Where do you think they will be moving to to be looked after? He couldn't refuse after them buying the house for him.

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388166#Comment_123388166

Thanks for your reply. Renting out a room was something I considered, but my fiancé isn’t comfortable with that idea right now. We’re still figuring out the best way forward without compromising too much.

As for the wedding, I don’t expect anything extravagant, but it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by the financial strain. We’re just trying to make ends meet and find a balance.

I also think his parents don’t fully understand how tough things are for us, since my fiancé hasn’t shared the full picture with them. It feels like they’ve focused more on his brother, and that’s been hard for us.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

Deeec

Are you sure they really bought him the house. - if they casually mentioned it with a laugh then it may not be true. They must be loaded to be able to do this! Your partner needs to dig deeper with his parents over this because it doesn't sound fair at all. He should get answers from his parents. If true his parents need to give him money too or your partner perhaps needs to sadly sever ties with them.

Also I would mention to the brother that when the parents get elderly and need help he's the one that's providing the care as he's got a huge leg up financially.

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388182#Comment_123388182

I see what you're saying, and I understand the idea that they might want to help the one they perceive as needing it more. But it still feels frustrating when we’re working so hard and still struggling, while the support is so one-sided. It’s not just about financial help—it’s the emotional impact of feeling overlooked that’s been tough for us.

Thanks for your perspective, though. It’s something to think about.

Kangarooknowsme

Thanks for your reply. My fiancé does have a passion for becoming an artist, and while I fully support him, we’ve discussed the financial challenges extensively. He’s aware of the risks, and we’re both trying to figure out a plan that works without putting us in a worse situation. It's definitely a tough balance between following his dreams and staying financially stable.

I’m just trying to navigate all of this while considering both of our futures. It’s a lot to figure out, but I’m hopeful we’ll come to a solution that works.

Oscar_Madison

”Foraging for wild vegetables?”

What vegetables grow wild and where? I’ve heard of gathering wild herbs and seaweeds by the coast and what not but that’s more a hobby for most than a money saving venture - I can’t see you saving a whole lot doing that.

You say you spent 400k on a house 70kms from Dublin? What sort of house? You would have got decent accommodation for that price closer to Dublin than 70kms up to now - the further out from Dublin the more money you spend on commutes etc

You won’t benefit from the extended commuter zone that’s been moved to 50kms recently - so likely trains and buses cost a lot more and time also is more

Baybay

Know you’re not alone in experiencing the incomprehensible decisions made within families.

As someone else said, the parents will have reasons & maybe feel it’s not for other family members to know. You can drive yourself insane trying to figure them out. Perhaps they will become apparent. If there’s a chance they retain ownership of the house the brother is living in, he won’t have the freedom to move forward in life as you might.

With that in mind, think about yourselves & figure out how to move forward with what’s important to you.

Could you rent a room out at your house? Would this replace enough of your partner’s income to allow a chance in the art world?

Rent the whole house out & rent something smaller a but closer to where you both work? I know renting anywhere is a task.

Sell the house. It must have appreciated a bit since you bought it. Would it be enough to fund something smaller/closer to where you want to be?

The wedding is as expensive as you want it to be. Numerous couples in our circle have done the registry office bit with parents & siblings & then had parties of varying expense afterwards. Some had bbqs or take out food in their own gardens, one had a fancy country house party weekend for twenty five friends & another had a pizza truck in a friends barn.

Your situation is yours to make the most of. Don’t let in-laws get in the way. See it as a freedom of choosing to have as much or as little to do with them as you’d like, without being beholden.

Dial Hard

I think you're conflating two issues here somewhat.

Your hurt and confusion around why the brother is getting everything handed to him on a plate, while completely understandable and normal, are, unfortunately, a complete waste of your time and energy. Whatever family dynamic led to this - yes, incredibly unfair - situation is your fiancé's to manage. There is literally nothing you can do about it. It could be golden child/scapegoat dynamics going back decades, it could be your fiancé actively misleading his parents about the realities of your financial situation, the parents might just be absolute pricks, or it could be any combination of a multitude of factors, most of which you're probably not aware of and may never be. But there's absolutely nothing to be gained by you fixating on it. Easier said than done, I know.

The far bigger issue here is your fiancé potentially making a unilateral decision to quit his job so he can follow his artistic dreams. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that??? You (plural) need to have a very grown-up conversation about the stark financial realities you're living in and what his giving up work would mean for you both.

I hate my job. I'd love to pack it in and do something far more personally fulfilling. But I can't, because I'm an adult who lives in the real world, with real world responsibilities. So it's simply not an option. It sounds like your fiancé needs a bit of real-world talk too.

I do genuinely feel so, so sorry for you, OP. I've been in a similar-ish situation with a friend, but what kept me sane in the end was remembering the adage that jealousy is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer the effects. Mind yourself, and be kind to yourself.

Sadb

Life is not fair. I know it’s tough when it’s one sibling being treated differently than another but it’s not something you can change so why allow it to affect you and eat you up.

All you can do is move forward with your own plans. Decide on a course of action for your own lives and financial well being. If your partner wants to ask his parents for help then do so, but just move on with a different plan if they refuse.

hello2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388164#Comment_123388164

Please don't get into comparison trap.. there are loads of new houses given for free all around us.. two houses right opposite to us are council owned .. we watch those neighbours day in and day out while we are going to pay the mortgage for same house for years to come.

but we have accepted the fact of life and happy with our achievement .

u can be proud that u bought it with your own effort and paid with hard earned money.

LambshankRedemption

My first bit of advice is to just move on from it. You will go mad dwelling on it. It happened. Some people are more fortunate than you are. Fact of life.

If you and or your partner are following the brother on facebook/instagram or other social media, I would quietly and subtly unfollow them. You really dont want to be seeing pictures of them dining out in fancy places.

Finally, your partner really needs to get a better job. At the moment the economy in Ireland is booming and employment levels are at their highest they have been in 15 years. Practically every shop I have been in in the last few weeks has a sign up saying "Looking for staff".

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388217#Comment_123388217

Thank you for your reply. The older son moved into the house last autumn, and we’ve actually been there once. He’s living in it alone, even though there are extra rooms that he could rent out to help with costs. The house is in a perfect location, close to Luas and bus stop, shopping centre…which feels like an enormous advantage, especially when we’ve had to stretch our resources just to make ends meet.

What’s been really difficult is that my fiancé has asked his parents about this, but they aren’t willing to open up about it. It’s hard to understand why they’ve chosen to support one child in this way while we’ve had to struggle so much. I really feel for him because I know he wants answers, but they just aren’t forthcoming.

I agree that he should try to push for clarity, but it’s tricky when the conversation has already been shut down a few times. In the meantime, we’re doing our best to focus on what we can control and work through our own challenges, but it’s not easy when it feels like we’re being overlooked.

I appreciate your thoughts—they’ve given me a lot to reflect on.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388335#Comment_123388335

Is it possible he's got a council house? Sadly unemployed people do receive luxury expensive houses courtesy of the council.

Im an accountant and honestly people with a spare 550k is very rare. Is it plausible that your in-laws have access to this kind of money. I have relatives who delight in winding people up by telling lies about large financial purchases - none of which are true. They call it filling people with lies and love watching reactions.

I think if you believe this to be true you both need to cut contact with them and move on with your own life.

By the sounds of it your partner is marginally better off than being unemployed so there is no logic to your in-laws helping one son and not another.

Kangarooknowsme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388271#Comment_123388271

Thanks for your reply. To clarify, yes, foraging has been a practical way for us to save on food costs. In the spring, I collect wild garlic, sea beet, wild celery, and rapeseed leaf, and in the autumn, I pick various types of mushrooms from the forest. While it’s not a huge savings, it definitely helps stretch our food budget when we’re being mindful of our expenses.

As for the house, it is a four-bedroom detached house, decent size, but we had to move further out from Dublin than we originally intended. The commuting costs and time are still a strain, but we do benefit from the new public transport leap card policy, which helps ease the financial burden a bit. It’s not ideal, but we’re doing our best to make it work.

Thanks again for your perspective—it’s really helpful to get different views on all of this.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388397#Comment_123388397

Could it be the parents own the house the “brother” has moved into? Given they paid cash, they’re obviously wealthy- might they be making provision for the brother whilst they’re still alive and giving their own house to your partner once deceased?
Theres lots of possibilities that will emerge in the future and by the sounds of things, you won’t likely know what they are until it happens.
You’ve a wedding coming up - it will be interesting to see how his parents support that - it may indicate future intentions. But something tells me all is not well with the relationship between your partner and his parents - I would have thought most parents would have laid out the reasons for such a “generous” donation to one sibling and not another. Also, that figure is over the tax threshold so he now has a tax liability, albeit a relatively small one

Notmything

Can understand your feelings but rather than focus on the feelings why not look at what you can do?

Is rent a room an option? Obviously loss of privacy has to be balanced with the income you could get.

Get your partner wants to become an artist, but maybe he needs to put that aside until you can afford to take the risk. We all have dreams but reality is a kicker.

You keep mentioning his parents, what about yours?

SteM

I hate to say it but

1. If my fiancé had a low paying job and I had an inkling that he would want to chuck it in down the line.
2. I calculated we'd be struggling for money all the time.
3. I'd be stuck with a 70km commute.
4. I was 20km from my nearest shop.

I wouldn't have have stepped on the property ladder. Everyone in this country is fixated with owning property no matter the potential cost to their mental health.

Forget about what your fiancé's brother got, unless his parents have more money in reserve you're on your own. If you're struggling so much financially, and your fiancé wants to add to that burden, you need to have a grown-up conversation on how to maximise your assets and that includes taking in a lodger and benefiting from the rent a room scheme. Good luck for the future.