People who marry someone they don't like/love

lukin

Has anyone seen a situation in a male-female relationship where the guy doesn't even seem to like his girlfriend, never mind love her? I'm not trying to be controversial or provoke an argument here, just looking for people's opinions.
I have seen it a few times and it always amazes me; why is the guy in a relationship with a girl he clearly has no feelings for and also, can the girl not see that herself?
I had a friend a few years ago who was getting married and he was three-quarters of an hour late for his wedding rehearsal.
He also didn't bother going on holidays one year with his wife. The girl was fairly p****d about it and said so to him and he sounded off to me about it. He basically seemed to think that his wife shouldn't be annoyed that her husband didn't want to go on holidays with her.
I can guarantee you there are other examples I don't know about too where he disrespected her. He rarely rang her and never wanted to go away for weekends with her.
His whole demeanour before the wedding was one of disinterest and apathy. He didn't seem one bit bothered about the whole thing.
My own parents even said to me that he "isn't interested in that girl". As far as I know they are still together, I don't talk to him anymore because he treated me the same way as he treated her; never returned my calls and wasn't a very good friend basically.
He isn't anything great in the looks department (she is OK looking I would say). He has a well-paying job but isn't a millionaire.

I can't understand it. If you really loved your husband-to-be/wife-to-be, you would want to spend as much time as you can with her/him?Not treat them like some kind of nuisance that you have to keep satisfied. Maybe girls do that to fellas too but it seems to be more the other way around.

Donald Trump

Melania loves me for me.

COVID

Has your 'friend' tried marriage counseling?

Though it's never cheap, it sure can help.

I'm a pork butcher by trade myself, but I dabble in a bit of marriage counseling on the side.

If you're interested, I'll be down in my local tomorrow, skulling pints and watching football matches on the big screen.

PM me for details.

The West Ham v Liverpool game starts at 5.15.

Feel free to invite your 'friend' and his missus down for a 'session', and don't be late; that's the first rule in a thriving relationship ...  and you can have that one for free.

See you then.

Walk on with hope in your heart!

Buddy Bubs

Yep, one of my mates doesn't, and never did, like his wife never mind love her. He told us this a few days before getting married but he went ahead anyway. We chatted to him about it but he said he'd just see how it goes. Wedding was a disaster, never mentioned her once, even offered me to stay in the bridal suite if id stay for day 2, the thoughts of it!!!

That was about 10 years ago, they're still together and have 2 kids now but I've never heard him going anywhere with the wife, doing anything fun, he doesn't even holiday with them. Just gives out about her constantly.

I never really got my head around why they got married, I think it was just to buy a house.

Kaybaykwah

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122996466#Comment_122996466

She lives your body…guard

Pauliedragon

Is she the "one that got away" OP? Theres help out there. Google a place called Tinder and move on. You'll feel better in the long run.

orourkeda1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122996466#Comment_122996466

I love Ivanka for Ivanka.

billyhead

There's plenty of marriages of convenience. Peer pressure or just to get their foot on the property ladder and the benefits of dual finance.

pgj2015

Women and men are so different, you would wonder should they ever marry each other.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122996888#Comment_122996888

Back of the queue pleb. I'm next in line.

amandstu

What role did the woman in this marriage play in entering this arrangement?

Was she aware of the husband's view of her?

Perhaps these are two people with low self estime and little ambition to better themselves other than in a purely material way.

Have either anything like a sense of humour?

Maybe bad hygiene?

Keepitlemon

Oh sweet summer child

ShagNastii

I'm not being hyperbolic when I say this happens an awful lot in the country where the prettiest girl in the parish HAS to get with/marry the "star" on the GAA team.

Turns out much like the horror stories stated above. Sad thing is due to "keeping up appearances" and being from good family. Divorce or anything common like that isn't an option.

BorneTobyWilde

Pretty much every couple I know show zero love for one another. It's all bitterness and arguments.

ottolwinner

I have friends who are married and speak so highly about each other. In fact I can’t think of any couple I know that are not delighted for the most part with their OH. Alright not always seeing eye to eye but wouldn’t be very respectful of them even out of their company.

con___manx1

I have seen it many times. One friend got a girl pregnant early 20ths. Cheated on her a few times with different women . Had another kid with her and married her last year.

I have seen women at it to where they will settle for a lad in thrre mid 30ths early 40ths so they can have children.

ottolwinner

seems like so much hassle and drama to be locking yourself into and for what?

cj maxx

A regular occurrence . Mostly due to age and wanting children , security . You’ll find it in men hitting 40 and women in their late 30’s . Common enough

barneygumble99

I know a couple, married with 3 kids. 100% she married him so they could have kids. I’d say he’s only ever had 3 rides in his whole life. Like he a solid enough guy, works hard and puts a lot of effort into the kids but Jesus he’s the most boring monotone man I’ve ever known. There’s more life in a hibernating squirrel. He’s pretty much an au pair in the family house

Kaybaykwah

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997407#Comment_122997407

That’s a well put together post.

Strumms

it happens, for money and or a passport all be it im only aware of one occurrence. He’s still with this wan, married …she’s from a particularly poor region of Latin America…. Him, upper class Central European 💰💰💰. No kids as of yet as far as I’m aware or last I heard . But she’s conniving and reasonably convincing.

They’ve zero in common, her a selfish high maintenance and demanding type . Him, a geeky bookworm but affable fellow..

lukin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122996873#Comment_122996873

No I had no feelings for the girl.

From what I remember she was a nice person and deserved to be treated better.

Jim Herring

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997407#Comment_122997407

Squirrels don’t hibernate…

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997343#Comment_122997343

After a man treats a woman badly a few times and she still comes back for more then he might marry her. He knows he can get away with anything and he will essentially have a slave for life. I know plenty such marriages.

Bogey Lowenstein

The fear of being alone is so strong in some people that they would rather be in a bad relationship than be on their own.

pgj2015

You often see a nice woman with a cheeky argumentative arsehole of a husband, I see this in my job all the time. And I wonder why the hell they are with them, often the woman is far better looking as well but maybe the husband has a lot of money or something.

worded

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997520#Comment_122997520

+ The financial stress of being solo. Mortgages and rents need two peoples resources. Banks and landlords force the independence out of most people to settle for someone they can have a joint bank account with.

AyeGer

I know a few fairly unhappy marriages. One in particular I can’t understand why they are still together when I see them interact with each other. I imagine lots of marriages start off well and then turn sour, but they don’t seem to take the leap and end them.

On the other hand some people are just minded to get married and that is a goal. I grew up with a guy who wanted to marry any woman he ever went out with. He eventually got married and now separated with three children and in a new relationship.

Another one that sticks in my mind, I worked in an office about 15 years ago with 10 women, I was the only man so I got to hear some interesting discussions. One of the women was unmarried and the conversation of marriage got up and the other women were telling her not to worry she’d find somebody. She was even trying out surnames she’d like I kid you not. She is married now with children, I don’t work there anymore so have no idea how the marriage is going. But I remember thinking at the time she’d probably marry the first half decent option that turned up and I wondered how that might pan out. Plenty others out there I like that I’d imagine.

Pauliedragon

There was some stats going around during lockdown that divorces massively increased. The theory being with couples being so busy these days they hardly spend any time together. When they were forced to spend all day together it bacame clear to them that they actually didn't like each other at all.

lukin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997520#Comment_122997520

Yeah that is a big reason for it I would say. I personally think it is foolish to get into a relationship just for the sake of it. It might work out OK in a Cersei Lannister/Robert Baratheon sort of way but then again it might not and there might be kids involved and that's tough on them if the parents spilt up.

I was reluctant to post this thread, I thought I might get a load of people replying saying I am talking a load of rubbish. from the replies it turns out it is more common than I thought. I am not saying that every marriage/relationship is like that, there are lots of couples out there that are madly in love with each other and good luck to them, I am very happy for them.

Lots of people work in a job they don't like but they can put up with it because they don't have to do it at the weekend or in the evenings and they have their holidays as well. That keeps them going through the day.

But a marriage is a 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year commitment, you can't duck out of it every weekend or every evening. With that guy I posted about, the girl made all the running in it, he was half-arsed about her from the start but she was falling over him from day one. She was a bit younger than him so maybe that was why he was indifferent about her. But if he really loved her the age difference wouldn't matter to him. Her father was the CEO of a major company in Ireland so maybe it appealed to his ego that a girl like that had the hots for him. He was quite egotistical so that wouldn't surprise me.

A guy in the UK I work with got married in 2019 and described it to me as the happiest day of his life (hsi second marriage btw). They split up a few months ago and he didn't seem a bit upset by it, he was in great form every day I spoke to him. He hooked up with another woman a very short time after.

Another guy I know dropped out of college because of his obsession with finding a girlfriend. He didn't say that to me but I know that was the reason, he was fixated with having a girl. He got one eventually as a result of a blind date and they had two kids. They are busted up now too. I'd say he didn't love the girl either.

I am not looking down on people that get coupled up to stave off loneliness, I can understand it actually, I get lonely myself.

I had a depressive episode there a few years ago myself (I don't mind admitting it) and my GP aggressively ordered me to get into a relationship "RIGHT NOW!". I know he was only trying to help me but it was very irresponsible behaviour by him in my opinion. I didn't take his advice thankfully or I might be in the as situation now as my friend and my workmate.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997632#Comment_122997632

We probably all know couples who realised that, after the kids grew up and they hit retirement age, they really didn't like spending much time with each other. I have one relative, approaching 80 now, who chooses to work 3-4 days each week rather than hanging around with his missus at home. I don't blame him tbh.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997414#Comment_122997414

I do see mixed race couples out and about, where the white/Irish person appears to be 'punching' compared to the other party. Maybe it's all about the passport….

magicbastarder

I know of two cases where people I would know (not well, just to say hello to) bailed out of a wedding not long before it. One a man, one a woman. The bloke did it with not much more than a week to go, IIRC. Obviously he's going to be seen as the bad guy, but in the long run I guess you've got to respect that decision.

BrianD3

I knew a girl who was clearly interested in me for years, nice looking girl and sound/decent in many ways but too flakey for me. Eventually, after she reached age 35, she started dating another lad and got engaged quickly but made some ominous remarks before getting married along the lines of "giving it a go" and "hoping for the best". Marriage lasted a few years, enough for a couple of children - then she started on to me again, now with kids in tow. Jaysus.

Anyway, it seems as though most men are either physically unattractive or boring (or both) from a woman's POV but eggs are not going to fertilise themselves or mortgages pay themselves - so women settle. Settling is a recipe for resentment. I know many married women who disrespect their husbands and complain about them being "useless" - he didn't bring out the bins, he burned the dinner, can't change a wheel and is terrible at DIY. The latest one I heard recently was a complaint about some lad buying the WRONG mince pies for Christmas. This then become a self perpetuating thing, why bother trying if you're going to be criticised no matter what you do.

Meanwhile, celebrity men, hunks, badboys and thugs do whatever the hell they want, boning left, right and centre, fathering children with multiple women and never being nagged about mince pies. The lad described in the OP may be a badboy. Outsiders see this and wonder why the woman is with him as he's a disrespectful arsehole and doesn't give a crap about her. When in reality, behaviour like turning up late for a wedding rehearsal or not bothering to go on holidays with her (did he cheat while she was away?) may be part of his appeal. As for what he gets out of the marriage, who knows, maybe he thinks he's entitled to sex on tap whenever he feels like it.

littlefeet

Never seen it with a man but yes with a woman and not in a bad way.

Children and a home are very important to some life is very complex and people can be e happy in lots of ways.

Personally I couldn't be married to someone I didn't love but that's not the same for everyone.

freshpopcorn

I often feel people get married because they feel like it's the done thing.

This comes from both men and women.

There the type who's always trying to keep up with The Jonesea and cam rarely be themselves.

I always always feel it's sort of sad.

Sometimes you'd hear about fellas basically been taken aside by the brides friends and them basically saying he has to cop on mature and preopose to Jenny.

Then there those who basically settle.

Some people get married because they just want to have kids or the partner offers finicial security.

ledwithhedwith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997239#Comment_122997239

lol you are surrounded by shitebags

a2deden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122996873#Comment_122996873

Surprised he wasnt out love actualling lol

a2deden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997231#Comment_122997231

This doesnt happen anymore though, maybe 80s/90s but it just isnt the case now. The prettiest girls **** off to college and they marry the star of other GAA teams lol. Not one of our stars in GAA or Rugby have married anyone close to the prettiest girls in the parish.

ledwithhedwith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997950#Comment_122997950

yea I haven’t seen that being the case at all

lukin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997944#Comment_122997944

No I didn't fancy her. I hope they are still married and that he is treating her well and she is treating him well.

StormForce13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997950#Comment_122997950

Thing is that they don't need to marry them these days. Just practice on them and then move on to someone else.

yagan

I know a married couple that get on great, have kids, but he still has his long term boyfriend from before he met her. She's an extremely intelligent woman but was desperate to have kids but a couple of failed relationships left her very despondent. We went to their wedding and it was great but everyone our age knew the score, the parents hadn't a clue and were the typical in laws excited about grandkids and keeping the farm in the family etc... I could well imagine inheritances were probably at risk if the truth got out.

Maybe some suspected but really this couple had found a compromise that met all their needs and appeared a very happy couple on the day. They built their house on the far side of the farm property so I can imagine a day may come when the secrets no longer have to be kept and then he'd inherit the home house and she's have her own separate life.

Mr.Wemmick

Your perception and that of your parents could be wrong. Ever think he might be on the spectrum and is crap at the social stuff, fails miserably at being on time and his idea of a planned holiday is a certain type of hell.
ND people often come across as rude, awkward, uncaring etc. yet in private he might adore the very bones of her and that’s why they’re still together.

a2deden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122998000#Comment_122998000

Ah sure that will always be the case, my point is these pretty girls dont marry them, no harm shifting the GAA star lol

a2deden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122998016#Comment_122998016

Not everyone is on the spectrum, it seems a get out of jail free card for being a dick these days, sometimes people are just dicks

zell12

Also, couples divorce to get building planning

https://www.newstalk.com/news/couples-using-sham-separations-to-get-around-planning-regulations-1468463

thereiver

I.d say there alot of women who marry rich men who made not be in love with them for obvious reasons or even men who marry rich women is not unusual

BorneTobyWilde

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997883#Comment_122997883

Yea, anyone can have someone, if that is the only criteria.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122997407#Comment_122997407

Are the three kids called Bart, Lisa, and Maggie?

lukin

I suppose some people think that having a girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband is some kind of magic bullet that will fix all their problems. It turns out to be a bullet alright for some but definitely not a magic one.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122998150#Comment_122998150

Sham separations and divorces aren't unknown in the insolvency/bankruptcy world either.