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Is my friend an alcoholic or just drinking too much

  • 27-12-2024 11:33pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 39


    I was out with a friend over Christmas. We're in our late 30's, we both had pretty heavy sessions together in college, so I am no saint.

    Anyway she drinks 2 and a half bottles of wine on one night out over Christmas. She honestly did not seem too drunk. However the following day I was messaging her and she had no recollection of the night before. We were both laughing etc. But I was thinking it was all strange.

    I called to her house another afternoon and she offered me a drink, I said no but herself and her partner were drinking a lot all afternoon.

    She has a great job, a lovely partner and goes to the gym 4/5 days a week. She looks really well. She doesn't seem to fight with people. The only thing is she drinks and drives the following morning.

    I have plenty similar examples of heavy drinking.

    The question is should I say something to her or maybe a family member? Or is there even a problem?



Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,309 ✭✭✭DellyBelly


    It's Christmas..probably over indulgence at this time of the year



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,505 ✭✭✭harr


    maybe just Christmas , but I have friends in similar circumstances .. I probably wouldn’t call them alcoholic but definitely drink way to much .. she would polish off 2 -3 bottles of wine a night maybe 4 nights of week and he definitely drinks 6 cans most nights and would finish 10 a couple of nights.. i honestly don’t know how they function..

    It’s definitely a hard subject to bring up , you probably would be surprised at how much some couples drink and how normal they think that is ..



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,757 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,603 ✭✭✭con___manx1


    I'd say something. I wish I could go back in time as I have a friend on dislaysis from drinking. I also know a girl died from it quite recently only in her 30ths. 2 and a half bottles of wine is serious drinking .



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 964 ✭✭✭SupaCat95


    Never pat a burning dog, nobody is going to thank you for it.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,568 ✭✭✭893bet


    they are both alcoholic. Functioning ones.

    @OP mind your own business. In isolation what you saw is cutting loose at Xmas a little. She goes to the gym 5 days a week and looks well always: I would be doubtful of a drink problem. And either way. Keep your nose out.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 563 ✭✭✭Etc


    Alcoholic is a subjective term and shouldn’t be applied lightly. Everybody’s situation is different, so I wouldn’t be applying a label to people without all of the facts.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,203 ✭✭✭drury..


    He's talking nonsense

    An expert on people's lives after reading couple of lines



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,568 ✭✭✭893bet


    As you say it’s subjective. And I guess by my definition a man drinking 6-10 cans every night and a woman drinking 2-3 bottles of wine 4 nights a week are drinking to excess and I would think there is a drink problem.

    yes that level of consumption is normal lol.



  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Mod - As per the charter,

    Personal Issues is an advice forum.
    Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.
    Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased.

    In short, offer advice to the OP, or do not post.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 457 ✭✭NiceFella


    Its Christmas so people tend to over indulge. I wouldn't be overly judgemental at this time of year. But yes, 2 and a half bottles of wine is a lot.

    There can be a difference between an alcoholic and a binge drinker. You can be both of course, but many people who don't see themselves as problem drinkers are also binge drinking. Being overly drunk has knock on effects and has consequences.

    My advice, unless you are asked for help or their behavior effects you directly, it's all on them. If you'd prefer to hang around people who are more for sobriety or modest drinking then do so.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 572 ✭✭✭Bogey Lowenstein
    That must be Nigel with the brie...


    I wouldn't say anything yet. Wait and see if she carries on drinking like that after the Christmas season has ended. Like some posters have said already, I doubt she will, she is most likely letting off steam. You don't see too many nearly 40 year old heavy drinkers in the gym 5 days a week as a general rule.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,568 ✭✭✭DublinWriter


    The fact that she downed two-and-a-half bottles and didn't appear drunk is a marker. Most functional alcoholics I've known had built-up an incredible tolerance to alcohol that whereas most people would get more drunk gradually over time, the functioning alcoholics appear fine until bottle number three, then suddenly boom, total head-down passing-out.

    Personally, I wouldn't say anything to her.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,203 ✭✭✭drury..


    A lot of alcoholics are big into exercise simultaneously

    You'd surprised to hear that probably



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 745 ✭✭✭ledwithhedwith


    I mean some are , but how many really do you think? Like a pure guess I’d say 1 in 20 would be going to the gym 5 times a week at over 40 and suffering from alcoholism. Dedication and commitment tend to be lacking in a lot of alcoholics let’s be fair.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,203 ✭✭✭drury..


    I'm saying it's common for alcoholics to be addicted to exercise too



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,203 ✭✭✭drury..


    You're way off about dedication and commitment too

    Its quite common for the most dedicated and committed of sport persons to be simultaneously alcoholic the whole time



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,236 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    Would the functioning alcoholic think all the exercise somehow balances out the heavy drinking?.She is drinking a lot by the sounds of things Christmas or not ,and having a high tolerance might be a badge of honour when you are young it's proberly a big negative when you are older .If she is a good friend you could broach the subject in an non judgemental way .



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 745 ✭✭✭ledwithhedwith


    I’d disagree that there’s too many dedicated sports people being alcoholics, maybe dart players. Dedication and commitment isn’t a trait of alcholics typically sure there’s exceptions.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 745 ✭✭✭ledwithhedwith


    I’m just saying I think your wrong, I don’t think it’s particularly common



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,203 ✭✭✭drury..


    I know what you're saying but I know a lot about alcoholism and alcoholics

    Its very common for alcoholics to be simultaneously addicted to exercise

    You're way off about dedication and commitment too



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 745 ✭✭✭ledwithhedwith


    will have to agree to disagree on it , I’ve never studied alcoholism just an opinion I have



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26 cathodrays


    problematic drinker =/= alcoholic.

    Alcoholism is defined by how it affects your life not by how much you drink (i.e losing jobs, becoming violent, damage to your health). She just sounds like she consumes a lot.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,956 ✭✭✭✭fits


    that level of consumption is really really bad for anyone - alcoholic or not.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,832 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    You should read some stories about how footballers used to live their lives back in the day, drinking and top level sport went hand in hand for a huge number of them.

    Multi-day benders every week, train every day and play PL matches against world class international players at the weekend.

    And I'm not talking George Best in the 70's here, it was rife up until the late 90's.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 457 ✭✭NiceFella


    I think you are very wrong about that one. Many many functioning alcoholics are super dedicated and even obsessive people. They use alcohol to switch off to balance themselves out. They're just not counted as alcoholics because they don't think they have a problem.

    As for traits of alcoholics, walk in to any AA meeting and you could be chatting to a single mother with no job to a highly successful business owner. I've been to those meetings and you'd be amazed at how many super successful people are in them. Alcoholism can effect literally anyone.

    You can argue about numbers but it certainly isn't just people who don't function as normal in society.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 457 ✭✭NiceFella


    This is pure nonsense and is what every alcoholic claims when everyone else tells them they have a problem. If you are drinking excessively, you don't have to wait until they crash and burn to admit they've a problem.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,356 ✭✭✭Pauliedragon


    OP talking from experience the only person who can answer that question is your friend and I'd advise if you value the friendship say nothing to her, her family or her friends. It could cost you the friendship in the long term. For me in my mind I was just having fun and maybe going over the top now and then. Anyone that questioned my drinking was insulting me to the highest level. Leave it go mate.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,498 ✭✭✭Oscar_Madison


    No sugar coating it - she’s an extremely high volume drinker - 2.5 bottles of wine in one night is serious drinking - it takes a lot of drinking to get to that level of alcohol tolerance - arguably she’s not tolerant in the sense she’s no memory of the previous nights events- as for driving the following day, well it’s her life, career, money, conscience - if she wants to wash it all away in a moment of madness that’s for her to potentially face - if you want to help that aspect maybe tell her stories around people you know caught drunk driving the following day - it might make her realise what she’s doing is just dicing with her future and potentially that of some innocent person she may well kill - but she’s also an adult - she DOES know better but she’s appears to be worshiping the altar of me-Fein - so be it - you can’t and won’t change that - very likely some hard lessons will be learned soon though



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 39 Redjacketboy


    Now that you see the light do you have the people in your life who questioned you back in your life?

    On balance I think I won't say anything to her. As you all say its her life.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,804 ✭✭✭C3PO


    OP - I would be fairly sure that your friend knows that she drinks too much. I know plenty of high functioning alcoholics and all of them are well aware that their consumption is excessive. On that basis, I wouldn’t try to point it out - it would serve no purpose other than to possibly alienate you from them. Your friend may (or may not) address their problem for themselves but only when they decide that it is time!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,047 ✭✭✭JoChervil


    OP, I would say nothing simply because she won't hear you. If she is an alcoholic and still drinking, so she is in a denial and your words will fall on deaf ears.

    Interventions, if they are to work, need to be carefully prepared and planned and involve more people acting together. On your own you have poor chance to achieve anything apart from annoying her and very likely losing your friend.

    Alcoholics very often compensate, like they are cleaning their house all the time or go to gym regularly. It helps them stay in a denial and believe that everything is OK with them. Nothing unusual here….



  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 13,257 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    Hi OP - only your friend knows the true extent of her drinking but given the quantities you say she takes each night (2.5 bottles of wine) then I would say that she is almost certainly a functioning alcoholic. That quantity of wine is excessive for a man on a sole binge drinking session, let alone for a woman to be taking each night.

    Driving the next morning after drinking so much the night before is utterly selfish, reckless and dicing with a serious accident or getting caught by the Gardai at the least. It also shows that your friend is probably in deep denial of her problem.

    Recovering alcoholic myself, now almost six years sober with a lot of experience with rehab/treatment centres, AA groups and other recovery groups over the years. There's actually very little you can do if your friend does not even acknowledge that she has a serious problem. Delusion and denial are very powerful among active alcoholics - I have been there myself. An "intervention" before she is ready to admit that she has a real problem will only backfire - and probably cost you your friendship.

    Hopefully, when your friend's drinking starts to have serious negative consequences for her (and it will, given the volume she drinks on a daily basis) she will perhaps face up to her problem and seek help. You can be there for her to listen at that point but it is futile until she admits that she needs help. I wish you well.

    Post edited by JupiterKid on


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭GAAcailin


    Just cause she is going to the gym doesn't mean she is doing any kind of serious workout. Could be walking on a treadmill or using the rower very slowly. Unless she is actually reaching targets e.g. 5km in 30 minutes she could be fooling herself.

    For heavy drinkers, its much easier to address a hangover with another drink; hence daily drinking starts. Friend of mine had problems with drink for years before recognising it himself; he became arrogant, fighting with everyone, drinking on the sly. Got to the stage where he was some days sculling a naggin of vodka at lunchtime in work in the toilets - still took another while for him to realise.

    I remember we were on a skiing holiday and he finished up at lunchtime, hit the booze for the afternoon while the rest of the group were skiing and was incomprehensible at dinner time - still no admission.

    Not saying this is your friend etc, but being able to down 2.5 bottles of wine of an evening shows serious tolerance.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,604 ✭✭✭Claw Hammer


    Most problem drinkers will refuse to admit there is a problem, to themselves, or anyone else. Unchecked heavy drinking will lead to alcoholism. It will also eventually lead to health problems. There is no point in saying anything. Just refuse to join in. Don't drink any alcohol in her presence and explain that you are watching you health.



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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,304 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    @Wanderer78 I've deleted your post as it's off topic. No one here can answer that for the OP. As you know and as per the Charter, PI is not a discussion forum. Offer advice to an OP when replying to their thread.

    HS



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22 charlessmith22


    This would be my thoughts. Most people would be very sick after that volume of drink. If she's attuned her body to tolerate that without much noticeable effect, you can call it what you want 'alcoholism ect' but she has a problem.

    Ireland is very weird when it comes to this topic. Some people almost pride themselves on their ability to consume large volumes of alcohol. If you're not seeing what her friend is doing as a problem you've become too accustomed to social norms that are anything but normal in the vast majority of other countries.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,624 ✭✭✭✭Cyrus


    anyone trying to rationalise someone drinking 2.5 bottles of wine in a night needs to get sense, you have to do some serious drinking to build up that level of tolerance. Whether she is an alcoholic or not she is doing the same damage to her health.



  • Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators, Regional North East Moderators Posts: 10,883 Mod ✭✭✭✭PauloMN


    So many factors to this, including how close a friend you are to her. I have probably 3 really close friends, and loads more I'd consider friends. Of my 3 close friends, I think I would think of a way to bring up "the problem" in a delicate manner. What I mean by "the problem" is not directly alcohol per say, but the issues you mentioned related to it - the results of drinking way too much. Not having a recollection of the night before due to drink is a serious problem imo, that could get someone into a world of shite, and I'd want a close friend to talk to me about that if the roles were reversed. I'd risk a friendship over genuinely trying to help a friend if it came to that, honestly. Same for driving the morning after a skinful, that could ruin her life as well as others.

    It's easy to say "don't get involved", "say nothing" etc. - but imo that's what a friend rather than a close friend might do. It's a typical Irish approach, and personally I think is why things can get out of hand with people in different situations. It's the easy way out. Fair enough, if I was in the pub with someone I was friendly with, knew locally or we were both from the same gym, club etc., but not a close friend, I wouldn't necessarily tackle the issue of over indulging with them. But a close friend I would, if I saw it was clearly causing them problems. I consider my close friends like family - I wouldn't stand by and say nothing if a family member was having issues like that due to drink.

    To be clear - I'm talking about problem drinking. I don't drink much but am often out with people who drink a lot more than me, I don't see that as problem drinking, so I'm not talking about nagging people or being pass-remarkable about how much people drink. I'm talking about tackling the issue delicately if a close friend was having issues as mentioned in the OP.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,573 ✭✭✭KaneToad


    OP, based on the information provided your friend is over consuming alcohol.

    If you are really concerned, you should say something to them - but only raise it once. And phrase it appropriately for how you interact usually with your friend.

    If I were to bring it up with a friend of mine:

    "F***ing hell Paddy, that was a lot you put away last night. Mind yourself. We're not getting any younger and I've heard some shocking health stories before about lads who were only our age"



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,607 ✭✭✭Sono


    OP that is very heavy drinking but only they can decide if it's a problem or not, I would agree with others to stay out of it.



  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Mod - Some posts deleted.

    As per the charter, please do not post asking an OP for updates.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 39 Redjacketboy


    Thanks for your further comments.

    Is it a bit sanctimonious to not drink on front of her? And say oh its for my heath! A bit like people on health kicks scoffing at your food.

    A heard an alcoholic on the radio years ago. He said don't say anything, even family members as they need to realise themselves. Surely that can't be true? What about interventions are the effective?

    Is it a cop out to say something to her brother?

    Does a doctor routinely check liver function? I swear you'd never know by meeting her the level of alcohol consumes.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    Honestly I would find that a bit sanctimonious to be honest. I'd also find it that way if someone did it about food & essentially food shamed me for what I've chosen to eat. You can't push your behaviour onto someone else (even with the best intentions for their health).

    I think that's one person's experience. I've had a couple of alcoholics in my family & they were all talked to in a calm, rationale manner about the impact their drinking was having on their direct family. It was effective (well in the long run, took some time) for them. However it was direct family doing this and not friends involved at all. I would think it would completely depend on your friendship & how close you are if you could say something. Would you consider saying something to her partner?

    A doctor won't routinely check liver function unless there are any signs for concern & then it might get added to bloods but additionally you wouldn't necessarily know if she'd had a conversation with her doctor or not.



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